I am the youngest of four kids and the only one who lives in the same town as my 85 yo mother, hence, I have been her primary caregiver for over 20 years, helping her out at home and taking care of any issues. She spends all holidays at our house and we invite her out to family events throughout the year, so my family (including my adult children) see how she has declined mentally over the last 5+ years. My brother and sister only talk to her on the phone and have not noticed anything in their short 15-30 min phone calls. In fact, they have been in denial of her failing mental capacity. Meanwhile, because I'm here, my mom is often verbally abusive to me and bad talks me to anyone who will listen because she "forgets." For example, telling people she hasn't seen me or heard from me yet she just spent the entire day with us. Of course, people believed her because up until recently, she was able to carry-on a coherent conversation.
In the past 5 years, her health has become an issue. She started to forget taking her meds or taking them twice and ending up in the hospital. She forgets to eat or eats bad food which makes her sick. She has very high BP, has had mini TIAs, has kidney failure and an inoperable aneurysm. She also has fallen numerous times. It started with falling outside her house and a stranger had to help her inside (let's not even get started on what could have happened there!); she fell and had a huge goose egg and a black eye. Last April, she fell and broke her tailbone. Worst part, no one had notified us she was in the hospital. We went to her house to find out why she wasn't answering her phone and found it empty and tracked her down through her last called number (911). This year, she fell again and broker her arm. Meanwhile, my older siblings, who do not live here, think she's fine. Yet I am the one who is left "cleaning up" the situation. Every time she is released from the hospital, there is always concern from the nurse and doctors about her living alone. She cannot live with me because we have a two-story house and she cannot navigate the stairs or be left alone while we are at work.
I have tried talking to my siblings for 3 years to have her placed in an independent/assisted living home where I would feel safer that she's being monitored, but they stay in denial of the situation. However, finally last summer after her broken tailbone, we all found a place for mom. My sister came in town and we took mom for a visit and she liked it. But then nothing was done. My siblings still aren't moving forward. We have to sell her house and car (let's not talk about the fact she's still driving and threatened me if I took her car keys) and all her belongings to make the move viable. She has Medicare and Tricare but lives on SS so we don't have much to work with.
The issue is, despite being the local caregiver here, my mom made my brother, who lives 2000+ miles away, the POA and executor on her Will (she now says he "tricked" her into the POA). My hands are literally tied. My biggest fault is that I am too emotional about the situation because I know I will be the one to perhaps find my mother dead, not them, and I spend a lot of time with her in person. I try to talk some sense into my siblings because my entire (local) family and all her caregivers can see the situation, but they can't. Then when I do react viscerally, they think I am a hot-head and dismiss me. My brother and sister are now communicating with each other and leaving me completely out of the decisions and telling me what they decided. Yet, we haven't moved forward or put down a deposit on a place for mom.
So what are my options? I am now considering filing for Guardianship of my mother or hiring a mediator, but my hubby and I are teachers and have a limited income for hiring lawyers. We live in Texas if that helps. I need to know what my next steps should be since this is all new to me. I cannot sit by any longer.
Texas is a one party consent state, so you can record any of your phone calls. I got an app for my smart phone and set it to record any phone calls from certain numbers or allow me to engage the recording function during any phone by pressing the home button twice (so if someone called me from a number I didn't recognize). Again, proof you have informed the POA of problems your mother is having and the POA has not taken you seriously or taken any actions to investigate further can be very helpful.
Guardianship in the presence of an existing POA is a big two step processes, with both steps being big challenges. First you must be able to _prove_ your mother's cognitive issues are bad enough she cannot handle or supervise her own affairs; you will need at least one doctor willing to state in writing she is incompetent. Making bad decisions isn't legal incompetence. Second, you will need to show you have a better plan for Mom's care than the POA and the POA has not been taking care of his/her responsibilities. I had a plan for managing my parents assets to support Dad's care in an MC for a number of years. If someone has cognitive problems bad enough to need a guardian, then you need to provide stable full time care, either in the home or in LTC.
I strongly recommend consulting with an attorney and very carefully considering all your options before petitioning for guardianship; don't do it if you can find any other way. If your petition is granted, most states reimburse your expenses from your mother's assets but it's usually the nuclear option with family relationships.
It doesn't hurt to quietly gather evidence if you are considering guardianship. Sometimes family members will agree to the guardianship rather than have your evidence discussed in open court and possibility written into public record court documents.
If your attorney is willing to process a new POA, I would suggest you get a competence evaluation from her PCP as soon afterwards as possible. Don't inform your siblings of the new POA until something happens that you need to use it or Mom's doctor feels she is no longer competent and it cannot be undone.
I have been accumulating evidence of the POA neglect of her safety and my urging to get help. I have also secretly recorded my mom's confusion and what my husband and I deal with when we are with her.
I will look at some of the options you stated and evaluate what's next. It will be hard taking her to the doctor for a diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer's because she's very paranoid about being diagnosed and wouldn't consent. She is very obstinate which has also made helping her very difficult.
Thank you again.