Alzheimer's communication chart says don't argue, reason with, demand. I'm frustrated and confused. My husband knows enough to treat everyone else with respect but me. It's always been this way. He leans on my arm struggling to walk with his cane yet when we went to his psychologist this week he got up quickly out of his chair & walked steady & quickly into his office. The doctor said, " look at you!" He's 24/7 care at home. Yet I'm not to question his contradicting behavior.?
I'd want him to do all that he could do by himself. I do understand that he puts on a show in the doctor's office, though. The general advice you get re ALZ/dementia is just that, general one-size-fits-all. Well, we all know that one size doesn't fit all. Use your judgement in trying to get him to be more self-sufficient. Cajole, manipulate, lavish praise . . . Much as you would a child.
Your goal should be to get him as independent as he can be. And ANOTHER goal should be cultivating your own solo social life. Regular lunch dates with family and friends...a senior water aerobics morning...a two-hour weekly outing to the library...follow your bliss.
Can't leave him alone? Hire caregivers. In our area, a professional thru a service who will help him to the bathroom, give him lunch, play cards with him, visit runs $25 an hour. You can't afford NOT to spend that for your own wellbeing.
I wish you well. When we're taking care of a senior spouse or parent, most often we're old too. Now dactyl how we planned on spending our golden years. !!
Babalou's suggestion of leaving the room is excellent. I do that a lot with my mother. I also have some mental tricks I use, like shooting myself with my finger pistol -- not loaded, so no harm done, but for some reason it relieves the stress. Other people may have other suggestions to get rid of the stress, since you can't leave him unattended for long.
You do need to see about getting someone to come in for a day or two a week so you can get out by yourself. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't get out. Probably go crazy, since I'm terrible at sitting and waiting.
I join blannie in giving you a big group hug. From your name, I know that you pray that your husband will be kinder to you. His kindness would make it so much easier.
During your respite, do YOU get to see a psychologist or counselor? Some here would recommend using a behavioral approach, i.e., walk out of the room when he's rude. As to the hanging on you issue, I would not allow that, out of self preservation. If he needs to hang on to something while using a cane, he needs to be evaluated by a physical therapist for a walker or rollator.
I don't know if any of this helps, but hugs to you! And watch Teepa Snow ' s videos, even better than a chart or book.
One idea, could you videotape your husband in his "normal" state at home and show it to the doctor? I'm sure you'll get some good ideas from the folks on here.
I just salute you and the hard, hard work you're doing for your husband. He's lucky to have you, whether he can realize that or not or shows you any appreciation. Hugs...