Not going to the funeral, is it disrespectful to not attend?

One thing I might add, is to honor your mother in other ways. I left for Mexico after my mom's funeral and celebrated the Day of the Dead in a small indigenous village. I felt my mom's presence as she knew how I love Mexico and its customs. I also have celebrated with her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and other times. I have some of her ashes so I set up an altar with flowers, candles photos etc. to honor her and keep her memory. It is my own personal way of doing and showing my love and how much I miss her. Funerals can be uncomfortable with family issues and I definitely had them with siblings who did very little.

My dad was donated to a university; no service (no one to attend anyway, he lived a long way away). Mom and I are having the same; it's on my drivers license. No service or notice in the paper; won't some people be surprised 2-3 years later?

This is the final show of love. The bullying may never stop. Will those who put you through this caregiving/partner be the winner? Will they even be there? Love according to the Bible love covers a multitude of sins. Yes, that is God's love but here is your last time to show that you cared for your mother.

It's not about "winning".

Agreed - it is not about winning. ATX has been and is showing day by day how much she cares for her mum. It isn't even questionable.

I think you should do whatever comforts you and gives you closure. Some people think funerals are mandatory for religious reasons. Those are quite often the same people who didn't help with the person's care while they were alive and usually only go to church at Eastertime.

My Mother's last request was that we not have a funeral for her so we did not have a formal ceremony. We dedicated a bench to her at her favorite park and met there one sunny afternoon. My Mom's pastor said a few words, those of us who wished to share, shared and that was that.

If you don't want to attend the funeral don't. At this stage of your life who cares what people think. If you know in your heart you loved your Mom while she was alive, then you certainly don't have to attend a funeral arranged by a bunch of hypocrites. Let them talk and snipe and whatever it is they need to do. It has nothing to do with you.

In the last 5 years, I have had two friends who did not attend their mothers' funerals... Friend 'A' had a mother in a nursing home, whose relatives-by-marriage took over all of her affairs and assets. My friend 'A' was left out of everything and had no say in anything at all. There were very bad, hostile feelings . These people didn't even tell her that her mother had died, she read about it in the newspaper obituaries!!! So, she arranged with the funeral home for a private viewing the day before the funeral. ..... Friend 'B' had one of those bad, narcissistic mothers, but took care of her for years. Both were estranged from all the family. Friend B's mother died with not a penny to her name, nor did my friend, and she was trying to get Medicaid or the county to pay for a cheap cremation at least. Friend B's family picked up the mother's body from the hospital morgue and made their own funeral arrangements (paying cash), out from under my friend's nose. Needless to say, she did not go to her mother's funeral service, but held her own, very nice, simple memorial at the board-and-care house her mother had lived. A pastor we knew and several friends and co-workers attended at a little informal picnic they had, a couple weeks later.

Oh dear, the things we are all having to put up with! I too had been left out of everything by relatives who took narcissistic mother over (all the decades of care and help I'd given her - and indeed, some of them - were totally disregarded) and when someone (one of the old family friends they'd not succeeded in turning against me? can't remember now) informed me that she'd died, I did have a bit of a panic.

There was no way I could be in the same 'room' (church) as these relatives: I knew my very difficult (aka bonkers - as we say in the UK) sister who'd 'hijacked' mother & alienated me would manage somehow to make it all about herself, as she had with dad's funeral. Aahhh. What to do?

I reflected & came up with a way that enabled me to attend, and also avoid any aggro. OK this is not a solution that's available to all, perhaps, but I'll mention it anyway: I sing in the church choir. Actually I'd intro'd mother to this church (and, indeed, taken - driven [+ lunch after, etc etc] her there for years). Sister wanted to have it elsewhere but it was finally agreed (of course, without consultation with me - by then, I'd been thoroughly scapegoated) it'd be in 'my' church.

So I spoke to the choir organiser & vicar, & explained that the only way I could be present was if we had a choir for the funeral (which was obviously not being organised by me), then I could be there as part of that.

And that's what happened.

As predicted, 'mad' sis turned up in wheelchair - having apparently managed to throw herself down the stairs (subtext: alcohol certain to be involved here). But I was able to avoid any contact with her, & simply appear for the service & be with the choir. Which was all bad enough, but OK.

I'd also - similar to posting by someone else here - taken the precaution of getting a couple of very good friends to come to the service & to come to the local pub (bar + restaurant) with me afterwards. In fact other family members who I was glad to see (not you-know-who) also turned up there, so I was able to spend some pleasant time there with nephews and nieces, who live pretty far away (Scotland & Australia).

So all worked out OK.

The reading of the will - out of which I have apparently been cut - must have happened by now; no info on that, of course.

But I hear from a relative who's in contact with sis that the (family) house is now about to be sold. When my father was alive, it was decided (about 50 years ago) that any proceeds would be shared between my sister and I. But my mother went pretty peculiar, & indeed unpleasant, and I understand that I've been cut out of everything. It would have been helpful to have something, actually; it could have enabled me to set up at least a part of a different life somewhere - I am rather stuck with my very difficult (undiagnosed narcissistic Asperger's) husband, who does pay for the roof over our heads, but manages to keep me very short of cash & won't agree to divorce - & don't have enough just to leave.

So be it. I try to make the best of every day & turn negatives into positives when I can. Though my heart is broken.

Good luck to all of you & thank you so much for reading.

I was talking with a couple friends today about this post, which I also commented here. One asked why people cannot be just kind and loving during this time. I wish I had an answer. I see so many people no longer talk to the sibs, etc after caregiving.

Just this weekend, I found my aunt, my mom's last living sib, who I used to be in touch with for years, visiting her and my uncle with my mom the many times they were ill, passed away a week ago. It hurts to know that I never got to say goodbye, and even saw her while visiting my mom's friend who lived in the same place but did not try to speak with her. She took sides during all the crap that went on with my mom's fall etc. She said she would not take sides, but obviously she did as she was impressed with the rich family members money and his gossiping wife. I blame them for my being scorned. No one stood up to them in the family but me. I can at least say that I am not a follower, stood my ground and did do the most care, if not all, for my mom while they took part in only the fun stuff.

Then when she was no longer able to stay in her home, they came in took over, put mom in an asst. living and then eventually a hospice home that had several state violations before and after my mom died there. Doubtful they even know this as they never checked anything expecting these facilities to do it all, which we know don't. I would have because I cared. And besides taking things my mom promised to me, them knowing this, and cutting me out of the will.

Glad I went to funeral mass only, for my mom and for them to see that I had friends that supported and cared about me. My rich family member's Eulogy was enough to show what a self-center person they were. Was all about him!

To this day I will never understand these people but have no regrets for my own time spent with my mom. I think whatever you choose, it will be right for you when the time comes. Blessings.