No one really knows when God will call us home but watching my mother this last week, I believe that her time is near.
Certainly I am running the gamut of emotions as one would expect. I anticipate a lot of the stress will be alleviated as well as some of the added physical challenges I face, being a caregiver with my own disabilities.
However watching my mother fade away like this is horrific and I just want her suffering to end, I'm not 57 anymore; at this time I am that little girl who put on her mommy's jewelry, the teenager who was more than a handful now hoping I have made up for the pain I caused during those years. The bride-to-be picking out a wedding gown, wanting to see that pride & joy in her mom's eyes.
I caress her head and recall the many costumes made by her hands for all of us kids. The countless meals made from scratch. She's still cooking in her dreams and in her 'visions'.
I recall what a good daughter she was, & what a great mother she is. My memories of her as a selfless, fun (yet always teaching) grandma, bring such happiness at an otherwise heartbreaking time.
She will soon be with her parents and sister & brother. My mom will cross over to be reunited with her husband of almost 66 years.
Knowing she'll be with my dad again makes me happy.
Funny how I am damn near 60 and I feel like a little girl as her mom's hand slips from her grasp and a sense of dread and fear envelope me.
I'm playing some of her favorite music and helping her 'cook'.
How did/will you all say your goodbye?
1. When someone is "actively dying" it sometimes helps for the loved ones to give the individual who is passing permission to go. Often times individuals who are in the dying process hold on because they are worried about their loved ones they are leaving behind.
When my grandmother was dying I laid down in bed next to her and told her that we would all be OK. I let her know I would take care of my dad (her son) and that it was OK for her to go be with her husband. She died within 5 minutes of me telling her this.
2. There is a good booklet called "Gone From My Sight" by Barbara Karnes. This booklet gives a guideline while remembering there is nothing concrete about the dying process. It tells you what you can expect to see from someone who is dying from months before death to weeks, days hours. The booklet can be purchased online for $3.00.
Anyway, the next time we were allowed to see him, I said it was ok to go. It is still as clear to me today as it was then - color returned to his face. His jaw relaxed and no longer appeared to be upset, worried, or whatever it was to make him appear tense. Totally relaxed and looked so normal except for the large gauze bandage around his head. After that visit, the ventilator was removed.
From the depths of my soul, I really think he needed us to say it was ok. It was just too painful for him to hear all of us begging him to stay.
I know I'll see her again but I sure do miss her dreadfully, every single day.
I started telling my father right after my mother passed and continued for 7.5 years to tell him that when his time came, I understood and was happy he would be reunited with my mother.
Apologize for any shortcomings - we all have shortcomings. I told my DH for 3 years that one day he would be seeing people that passed years ago and not to be afraid. I told him that while not perfect, I believe I did the best I knew how and apologized for the times I might not have given my all. Every day, many many times a day I reaffirmed my love for him and hugged him until it became too difficult to hug him. But I still tried to hug and give him physical contact.
The day he went into the pre-death coma, he was crying when he told me for the last time that he loved me.
I hope this helps you. Don't waste a precious second that you can still tell Mom how much you love her. Don't dredge up the past if there are any negative things you want to say - you can say them at the graveside later on. For now, reaffirm your love and thank your mother for loving you and caring for you.
Peace and love to you and to your wonderful mom!
To answer your question, my sweet Mama died last October at home with my Daddy and myself by her bedside. The day the hospice nurse came to meet her was when her body seemed to say "OK, I'm in good hands and I can leave this pain." I got to see her and my Daddy love each other and smile at each other and say words that I will forever hold in my heart. And then she started letting go. I told her how much I loved her, what a good Mama she had always been (she always seemed surprise when I told her this over the years because she didn't think she was) and I told her it was ok to go, Daddy and I would be fine. (I have lived with my parents for the past 6 years due to their health). The nurse told us she would most likely not be here long, but I think Mama heard that and decided to show us she would go on her timeline!!! LOL All those days I just kept kissing her face, telling her I loved her and holding her hand. Now I'm doing the hard work of learning this new norm of just Daddy & myself. Waves of grief come at the most unexpected times, but between this forum and another one on facebook, I am reminded that I will continue to move forward. Yep, I'm 60 and the little girl inside of me sometimes gets scared and wants to stomp her feet. But my Mama gave me so much of her wisdom, laughter, and strength - I carry her with me as I pass her on to my daughter and granddaughters. Take care of yourself and a very big hug from a North Carolina daughter.
This post shows that your Mom did an awesome job at raising a strong, kind woman.
This is the most one can hope when they raise a child. Sure you want your child to be successful, wealthy, have a great job, live in a big house (that they can afford).
But the TRUE measure of a person is what is inside, what others can't see. Kindness, compassion, forgiveness are among many qualities that she help instill in you. Because of that she will always be with you.
Thank her. Tell her that you love her.
I do hope you are getting help from Hospice. They will help her as well as you, take full advantage of what they have to offer.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
My mother has taught me a lot through her goodness, kindness, generosity, and yes even in the areas in which she faltered.
She indeed is a wonderful mother. Even through her passing, I am learning.
I had to do that myself many a time.
My mother and I are very similar and very different all in the wrong places for sharing a house! There have been many times I could feel myself lose patience and she the same.
In the end, our love for one another weathers all storms.
I am not there yet, but I believe I have been saying goodbye to my mother for years. I wonder if, I too, will have vivid memories of being a little girl with my mother.
This is a beautiful post. I pray you both feel the presence of the Comforter during this time.
Having others who can understand what we face, is so comforting.
I still have my Mom and I love her to the best of my abilities daily as if this one might be the last. As it seems you have done.
I think what you are doing is good. the music, helping her cook, and just being there and loving on her.
Will be praying for you. I can see how wonderful your Mom was through your words and your love for her, and you as her daughter.
This is a most difficult time, but I do feel blessed being able to care for her, and share her passing with her.