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So...the situation with my mom has changed. The original plan was to live between 2 homes three states away. I rented out my home for 2 1/2 years and now we are at my home. So.....as her Alzheimer's has worsened I see that this plan will not work anymore and the dread of future permanent living arrangement is here. Of course, she's homesick and asks me everyday when are we going to her home. I have had drs and counselors explain to her that Change must occur re:living arrangement. We have gone over this for the last 3 years and she is in denial that she is not safe alone, in home care is unaffordable, and it's either my home or a memory center. She is irrational about letting go of her home. I now have the task to remove some of her belongings from her home via my 2 children's help who live near me involving time off from work and preparing home for market. Unsure of how this can be accomplished plus trying to avoid and answer her questions about when is she going home. Any ideas or input to help me through this is appreciated.

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I would continue to reinforce the facts, matter of factly, and gently. I would not avoid the question. The thing is that this is going to happen and there will be a period of adjustment. The denial is unlikely to change, and you will simply have to slog on through it.
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I’m not sure you’re being fair to yourself, based on your statement “Of course, she’s homesick and asks me every day when we are going to her home”.

You really have no reasonable way to know what she’s thinking, given that the damage to her brain increase day to day.

I’m not sure why “doctors and counselors” would attempt to “convince” a patient with dementia of anything, least of all
something that has been said to her for 3 years!

The reality of her situation is that no matter what she says, those of you who LOVE HER and are RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CARE need to find a new lifestyle for her that will serve her in keeping her safe, while ALSO allow YOU to find a life that will be healthy and nourishing for you.

There really isn’t any other choice. She isn’t “irrational”- she no longer HAS the capacity for rational thought.

For me, a beautiful Memory Care facility with 3 miles of my house was the BEST CHOICE. Would I have preferred to have kept her home, or had her live with me?

ABSOLUTELY. My rational thinking prevailed, and the MC facility proved a haven for her.

Covid is and was a disaster, but slowly we are emerging from some of its terrible effects as well.

Trust yourself to make decisions from your heart, always ALWAYS based on what you head is telling you.
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Do you have the legal documentation in place that will allow you to sell her home?

If she can only be safely cared for and can only afford MC or care in your home, you need to make the decision and tell her that this is the plan.

"That's not one of the choices, mom". "The doctors say that you can't live alone any longer". " Now it's time to move to a senior apartment".

Yes, she may be upset. The fact that she isn't at home can't be helped, can it?
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angelalutz63 Apr 2021
Hi Barb. Ty for your input. I have durable poa but have no idea if I can sell her home. I will check with attorney to ask this week. If I'm not I don't know what to do from afar. I am avoiding the consequences of stepping foot with her in her home as it may be more complicated to get her to agree to leave. I have no idea if her attorney could help without her consent. I could try to contact one locally here and make appointment when she is having an agreeable day and I don't know if legally it would be ethical to establish changes at this point. I am trying to avoid guardianship or deeming her incompetent. Any advise on this matter?
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Please stop trying to reason with her. She has ALZ. She is losing her ability to reason. Instead, you do what keeps her calm and helps you to help her. Use "therapeutic fibs" to keep the peace and get things done. So, when she asks when she will be going home, you can tell her anything: "The old house is structurally unsafe and we're waiting for it to be fixed." "When the doctor says you are able to live by yourself" You can morally and ethically tell her anything because telling her the actual truth upsets her and accomplishes nothing. You'll just keep having that conversation over and over and why do that to the both of you? My MIL is in LTC with mild dementia and short-term memory loss. She asks us that question all the time and we tell her that she can go home when she works with the staff to get out of bed on her own and can do all her ADLs. She doesn't like that the answer is "not yet" but it's actually technically the truth and we move on to other topics.

As PoA you are now operating in your mother's best interest. Do not feel guilty that she doesn't like what you're doing. She can't process it and that's not your fault. Just keep doing your best while making it easiest on the both of you. Blessings!
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angelalutz63 Apr 2021
Ty for your perspective on this subject. I only want her to be happy but she is obsessed with her home and she is making herself miserable about this issue. I try redirecting and sometimes she agrees and even goes as far as telling others that she is staying with me but then she changes again and insists on her home And says when we go to her home she's not leaving or she says I want to go to a MC IN MY STATE which is unreasonable to be separated from my families visits. You are right there is no reasoning with her but I will have to stick to my guns and not give her false hope either. She has threatened suicide and now she's on a hunger strike going on 3 hours. I'm waiting on her to see what she does next before I have to step up and be the ADULT again. Ty for your kind words
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