Must I bring my elderly parent to live with me because it's my "obligation"?

Wow, libracat, what a hellacious picture you have painted of your life! Truly a horror story! I have not dealt with narcisstic people and I'm clueless. No advice to offer, but just a question -- why do you continue in this hell?

I have to face a similar situation with my own father in a short time. My mother has recently passed away and my father is having a hard time emotionally on his own. I am dealing with the guilt I am feeling over the reluctance I have in bringing him to live in my home. However there are many ways to effectively and lovingly care for a senior. Although it is sometimes assumed that the best care for a senior is to move in with family, this is not the only way. My dad has developed behaviors since my mother passed away that are not easy to manage. He follows me around the house constantly when he comes over. No matter what I say or do, he can't seem to stop himself. It gets frustrating and makes it difficult to do chores around the house. Resentment is not easy to live with day after day and will not help you to be a good caregiver. The emotional burden of being the primary caregiver is a lot and you need to maintain your well-being to provide the care your father needs. Living together is not always the best solution. Don't let your feelings of obligation blind you to other solutions for caring for your father. For myself, we are considering moving into a duplex or house with an apartment so that we can still have separate residences, but I can still keep a eye of him and have dinners with him. Hope you find the balance between compassionate care and maintaining your well-being. I know that I am still looking. Take care.

Libracat: I think your situation is a little different than russkm. You should take steps to get out of the situation you are in. That's a no brainier. Why do you continue?

Russkm: If your situation makes your life miserable then you need to talk to your dad about it. Maybe he is miserable too. Start a dialogue. I think I mentioned this before, but maybe not. You are responsible for your own happiness. Sometimes that means taking some flack for not wanting to give up your life to make other family members happy. And I'm not just talking about your dad here, but the family members who seem to feel that it's your responsibility.

Do the work that needs to be done. Talk to your dad in a kind manner, but let him know that you miss having your space. I don't know what his finances are because you didn't mention them. That's an important part of this discussion so please share those details.

Maybe you can find an assisted living place for him. He doesn't sound like he needs a lot of help and he is adjusting to losing your mom. You could visit him and be his friend. You could still handle his meds and doc appointments, paper work, etc.

Let us know if any of the suggestions have been helpful.

Russ, in a word, no. You don't have to take the parent in. No law in the land, no Biblical law says you must. Just take care of yourself. I'm here with you, I won't be taking my mother in.

Wow...this is the first place where I've actually read of people aware of the fact that they are NOT responsible for their parents, nor do they have an obligation to sacrifice their own lives for their parent. My father is an alcoholic who emotionally tortured my mom, my sisters and me. I am the oldest....married very young to get out. My dad would go out drinking after work every night and was at the club every Friday and Saturday night while my mom sat at home alone with a broken spirit. On Sundays he would be around, but we were on pins and needles that we would do something to make him mad. He didn't come to any of our ballgames, plays, events (and I guess that's for the better), all that mattered to him was being with his friends at the club. Deep inside him is a person that is kind and funny, but the layers that surround that person are narcissistic, bullying, rude, hurtful and uncaring. Mother died 10 years ago from heart problems. He caused constant stress even though he knew it was taking a toll on her health.

2 years ago he fell and hasn't been able to be at home since. Obviously he wants to come home, but that would mean he'd be calling us at all hours to help him. We refuse to let him go home unless he has 24/7 care, which is very expensive. We could let him live with one of us, but he would just take over our households (if our marriages survived) and make our lives the living hell that he made them when we lived at home.

He is in a nursing home...his mind fully functional, his legs not. No matter what we do to try and make his life easier, he complains about what we didn't do. If he wants to get out for an afternoon, he wants us to take him to the bar for drinks, and we don't go there. So then he gets angry that we won't do what he wants. Trying to set barriers and boundaries sometimes works, but not consistently...and he always *tries* to get around them.

People who think that taking care of a parent is a joy and privilege....you are lucky that you had parents who treated you in such a way that you feel that way. Not everyone was so fortunate. It's taken me most of my adult life to work through the damage done by this person, just being involved with his care puts me in situations where I have to relive the brutality of his rule. Hard to imagine what that would be like if I had to live with him again and take care of him every day.

Best wishes as you figure out what will work best for you.

Eldest: I think it's admirable that you even go and visit your dad. Thank goodness that you and your sister DID NOT take him in. He's where he needs to be for his own well being and for yours. Sorry about your mom. I'm glad you and your sister have each other. Love, Cattails

Cattails: What would you suggest I do?
Eldestdaughter: I forgot to mention that this was my dad also. So on top of the mother that I had, we had to put up with this kind of father too. So I fully understand your reluctance. I am 60 now and still haven't worked through all the damage caused in our household - neither has my brother.

JeanneGibbs: I did not fully appreciate the extent of her narcissism until she was actually moved in with us: I did say that she has always been this way, but as a child/young adult, I didn't have a label for it, and as an older adult, I lived out of town from her, would talk to her once a day on the phone but it was nothing but sweetness and light until she would start her "what will happen to me when I take sick?" (red flag). I have been ill for three weeks with a sinus infection, still managing to care for her nevertheless, and when I mentioned that I had been sick during the other night, she said to me "Well, now you know how I feel"........ so there is no winning :o(

Yes, libracat, it snuck up on you and you didn't know what you were in for. OK. I get that. But why do you continue with it? As I said, I have never had to face this and I am sincere in my question. What makes presumably smart adults stay in such self-destructive situations? You moved her in. You can move her out. That is my simplistic view. But there must be a powerful answer, because so many people apparently get trapped like this.

Libracat: You asked "What would I suggest you do." I strongly suggest that you get your mom out of your house. What you describe is horrific and I don't understand why you continue to have you mom under your roof. From your response to Jeannegibbs, I can see that you didn't fully realize what you were getting into. Now you do and now you have a label for it. Sometimes a label helps you better understand why your mom has always been this way. It gives you a greater understanding and affords you some relief knowing that it is NOT you.

Your mom has 2 options for sure. She can go to assisted living and spend her money or she can move in with your wonderful brother. Give them 60 days to figure it out. Maybe an assisted living located near your brother.

I don't want to be cruel, but you can tell your mom that after listening to her words of wisdom, you agree that she is correct is saying you don't have a life and you have decided that you need to get one.

What are your mothers health issues? How old is she? You are 60 years old and do not work. No problem with that, but I curious about why you don't work and a little more info about your history.

Listen, Libracat, we are all here for you. Give us more info and let us see if we can offer some helpful suggestions. Wishing you the best. Cattails

To eldest daughter, I so understand what you are saying, My childhood was worse than that, not only was my stepfather an alcholic but mentally, physically, emotionally and sexally abused me, he is gone but my mom needs me and I don't take care of her because I feel it is my obligation, she lives with me and I am her 24 hour caretaker because I love her. Yes I am overwhelmed and it has taken its toll, I never new how hard this would be but there is no choice now as she cannot afford assisted living or nursing home, I just lost my fatherinlaw last night, he died in his sleep and can't even go with my husband to ohio for the funeral because I have to be here for my mom, I am 52 and feel 90, I wish everyone the best and everyone is in my prayers, I know that I am doing the right thing as I beleive through prayer that this is what God would want me to do

Our country has many places for those of us who are getting older and/or ill. Not all of the facilities are perfect, but my house is far from perfect. Anyway, unless it really works for a parent to live with a relative, he or she needs to look for alternatives. There are group homes, community health homes that combine all age groups, nursing homes, assisted living, etc. I do not believe people should live together unless it it right for both individuals. I took care of my father willingly and treasured every moment. I believe he treasured those times as well. My mother is combative, self-involved, and uncooperative. She does not want to be taken care of, and I will not force myself on her. I do not feel guilty about this anymore. I am already looking for options for my mother that might make her happy. I know she does not want to live with any of her children. It could be a loving and sweet time, but her anger at the world will prevent this. I am no longer trying to fix this situation, and hope you will do what is best for your situation. Best wishes, Rebecca

I so understand what everyone is going through here, especially libracat. I am my 85 year old Mother's caregiver, have been doing it for the past year. I don't think I can handle it any more, I am trying to battle with my own breast cancer, I am 57 years old. My mother just had a right hip replacement on Monday, so I thought I would have a little rest, but have been in the hospital everyday (where she has been miserable to everyone) it's embarrasing! They transported her to a rehabilitation center yesterday. I brought all her stuff and spent all day there.
She hates it everywhere she is, she wants to come home. I have "had it" with her, but don't know what I'm going to do. My sister who lives in another state wants her to live at home as long as possible (but she will only come and help once a month) It's like it is my job because I live the closest to her. Her insurance will pay for up to 100 days in rehab IF and its a big "IF" she progresses with therapy. I'm guessing she won't because all she can say is I want to go home. How can they become so selfish that they only want what they want no matter what the cost is to another person? I'm also thinking this is going to cause a big problem in my sister and my relationship, which has been very close until this "piece of work" that is my mother is going to come between us. God help us all!

Aerick54: I hear you, and thanks!! Be prepared - my mother was all set up for 3 wks. rehab, in the hospital, paid for by health insurance - but she refused to do it......the rehab nurses just stared at each other, stunned. Why have someone like her, so miserable, accepting therapy when someone else who has suffered a major stroke and needs to learn to walk, could make better use of it and be grateful?
It's really a shame about their attitude and it sounds as though we have the same kind of mother......I guess selfish is the right word - and mine just wanted to get out of the hospital as fast as she could - but when she wants in, she wants in!! Go figure.......they want what they want when it suits them, not you - and they don't give a fig about anything that doesn't concern them. If the world doesn't revolve around them, they want everyone around them to be miserable too. Very sad, isn't it? It may very well cost you your relationship with your sibling, unfortunately.

aerick: I think everyone has empathy for you and libracat. You are dealing with breast cancer and that should be your first priority. What your sister wants is understandable, but I would hope that she understands the stress you are under is not going to help you fight your illness. Can your mom afford to have a care giver at home?

I know it may sound like we don't get it when we suggest that you and Libracat take steps to protect yourself/remove yourself from what is such an overwhelming situation. Please understand that we do get it. Why are you spending all your time at the rehab center It sounds like your mom will be unhappy anyway and the people at rehab are hopefully professional and able to care for her needs. Maybe not her wants, but at least her needs. Stay away and give yourself a much needed break. Is her hip replacement due to a fall? Let us know more. My heart goes out to both of you. Cattails

aerick54, my heart goes out to you. Does your mother have dementia? Was she self-centered and selfish all her life, or is this new with old age?

It would be a terrible shame to lose the relationship you have with your sister. Her goal is to keep Mom at home as long is possible. (I assume this is what Mom thinks she wants, too -- right?) Can you and Sis sit down in person and have a brainstorming session on how this might be possible? "Out of state" could mean 50 miles away or 2000 miles, so I don't know how feasible a visit is, but an in-person meeting would really be better than a phone conversation. Think through, and talk it through with Sis, what kind of care Mom really needs. Not what she "wants" which might be someone to wait on her 24/7, but what is really required for her well-being. Come to the discussion prepared to tell what you are willing (and able) to do toward that need. What is Sis covering now? Is she willing to continue that? Increase it? So, between you, how much of the need is covered? What is not covered? How could you arrange for that to be covered? Brainstorm. When you figure out what is needed, agree on the next step. Perhaps it will be talking to a social worker and/or insurance claims person. Maybe together you will conclude that staying at home is not the best option for Mom after all, or that it is not feasible given the resources available.

The point is really to establish a good working relationship with your sister. Mom won't be with you forever, but you and your sister can support each other for decades to come. Right now you probably see Sis as part of the problem, and that is likely how she sees you. If you can work toward a solution together, that will be an improvement!

Be sure that you and Sis are realistic about what Mom needs vs what she wants, and also about what you can/should/will provide. Just living closer does NOT automatically give you a bigger portion of the responsibility.

Speaking of being realistic about needs/wants, now that you have Mom set up with her things at the rehab place, she really doesn't NEED you there all day everyday, does she? Maybe now would be a good time for you to travel to meet with Sis.

Best wishes to you!

A suggestion about the physical therapy. At first my mother refused to do parts of hers. They were getting her to do things like fold laundry. She would get mad and say that she already knew how to fold laundry, she had a a helper who would come in and fold laundry for her. She wasnt going to fold laundry. I had to get the physical therapist to explain to her, why she was doing what she was doing. It's not about the activity, but instead they pick something that everyone knows how to do that will give them a complete range of motion. Maybe it would help if your parents physical therapist explained the why, not just told them what to do. I found that the therapist expected them all to have dementia and never explained the why of anything. I really had to bug them about it. But it helped both my Mom and me in the long run.

Guilt is an awful thing. I hate it. Am in the same sort of boat you are in. Dad died, am an only child and felt it was my obligation to care for mom. It has been a long year and as of June 1st she is moving into an assisted living home. I just can't do this any longer either. So, don't give in to guilt - whatever that means to you. Make the decision that is the best for you. No judgements!

glad she can afford assisted living, I don't have that option, it has been 7 years and I can't even find a facility to take her for 2 weeks so I can rest, anyone have any suggestions for me, I am so totally burned out and need a vacation bad

ej, you do need a vacation! How have you gone about looking for respite care? Have you called Elder Care Services or the Agency on Aging or whatever the department is called in your state? How about your county's Social Servies? You would be looking for respite resources. These agencies should be able to refer you to what is available in your area. Respite care is expensive. Sometimes there are "scholarshps" availbe. Ask about that, too.

Is your mother on Medicaid? If not, why not? Medicaid typically does not pay for Assisted Living but can provide in-home care services, and does cover nursing home costs. When you say that your mother cannot afford these things, I wonder if you have looked into Medicaid and other services available in your county.

I have called an agency that is trying to locate somewhere for her to stay for 2 weeks, I am hoping they can help, as much guilt as I feel, I am going to look into medicaid in the fall for a skilled nursing facility for mom as I feel I am close to a nervous breakdown, I already take 4 mg of xanax and still I am stressed beyond beleif, I feel like a stranger or visitor in my own home, I want some time before I am that old to try and work on my marriage and have some kind of life, thanks jeanne, hugs

Please get the Medicaid application in the works as soon as you can. It can sometimes be a bit of a lengthy process!

I am very glad you have made a decision. I hope that relieves some of the stress.

Previous post: "I don't know why some people continue to try on this site to compare raising a child to taking care of an aging, decline parent?"

Thank you... always has been my sentiments during 32 years in the Nursing profession and now as a caregiver of my aging mother... No one... not her, not my siblings has a clue....

It's not our obligation but if they can force it on us, and somehow guilt us into doing it, they are very happy to do so........it seems that a lot of these elderly parents get to a point where they just can't "be bothered" to do anything for themselves any more and are only to pleased to have someone look after them - they use every excuse in the book "Can you fill this form out for me? I just don't understand what they want". My eyes are bad and I can't read this recipe any more - would you mind making these muffins so I can eat something for breakfast? I need you to phone _______ for me so I can get an appointment - these phone menus don't make any sense to me"
They will also complain to anyone who will listen that they aren't getting the food they "need" so that others will do the cooking and shopping for them - my mother had the Red Cross girl bringing her coffee and donuts, the mail, the newspaper and doing her laundry!!
Don't fall into the trap...............it's a very deep hole to try to get out of - I know.

Hello....is anyone still reading these posts? I really need some practical advice from people going through or who have gone through situations similar to mine.
My father died 15 yrs ago and I picked up where he left off with my mother. I guess I thought it was my job, oldest of 3 daughters. My youngest sister was mildly mentally retarded and had various health issues, my middle sister just simply said don't look at me, I am not doing anything. Long story short, even though my mom lived alone until just 1 month ago, she "needed" help. My dad did everything....mostly because my mother had tons of excuses for why she couldn't do them. About 20 yrs ago, she threw a fit because she wanted to move to Florida and was so awful about it until my dad sold the family home and bought her a home in Florida......2 doors down from my uncle. Frommthat point on, my mother did not do anything except what she wanted to do. 5 years later, my dad passed away. He had just started to find himself and was trying to enjoy life when he died. I immediately stepped up to take care of things for mom. Within 2-3 years, my mom began to suffer from emphysema and COPD. At first, just breathing treatments, then frequent bouts of pneumonia and now, oxygen. Having said all of that, she doesn't think she needs the oxygen, so she has it but won't wear it. She can't walk down the street and refuses to acknowledge that if she wore the O2, that she would feel better. Within the last 2 yrs, she has had more frequent bouts of pneumonia. The last one was in Feb of this year, which scared her. My husband and I gave up good jobs to move to Fl to be closer to her, as we have spent the last 15 years spending every vacation hour in Florida attending to her. When we moved here, we lived about 3 hrs from her. We have always talked about her living with us, but I guess I thought it would be at a time when she really couldn't take care of herself. At Easter, she told us she was ready to live with us, that she was afraid to live alone. She bought us a house and moved in with us. I drank the kool-aid and bought into it. I had to quit my job to move here, so we had no resources to purchase a home. Now 4 weeks later, I am ready to run away. My husband does not understand my feelings and how it took actually living with her to make me realize that I was really not ready for that scenario. He has now taken her side and our marriage is in trouble. I told him she could move back into her home (which hasn't sold) and that we could pay her back for this home. He does not understand my feelings at all. I have tried to explain that I feel a tremendous amount of resentment towards her. I think she has manipulated us into this by purchasing the home and we followed along like she was the pied piper. I now realize and recognize that she has been doing this for 15 years. We had an argument yesterday morning where she conveniently forgot all of the trips that I made for Ohio to Florida, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. Now, my mother still drives a car, can feed and bathe herself. She remembers to do her breathing treatments and travels by plane to NC 2-3 times per year to visit my cousin. I can now see that she is a manipulative, needy and lazy individual and it makes me sad that I have enabled her for so long. I told my husband that she needs to move back home, which is 30 mins from us. I told him I didn't know if I could stay here if she doesn't move. He basically told me that he loves me, but I have todo what I need to do. We had a good marriage until about 1 month ago. Mi just want our life back. She doesn't really need us, she just doesn't want to live alone. I am not ready to have her in my home yet....maybe when the time comes that she really does need us, but not yet. Can anyone help me through this nightmare? I am ready to crack.

Funny, how we worry about "it will look bad for me if I don't help my parents". I'm taking this all in; as I'm not in the position yet but I've had these same feelings and guilt worrying about "how I will look to family, neighbors, friends" if I don't take my mother in or force her into care. I see the stress everyone here is under and I'm not willing to make that sacrifice. Giving us life doesn't mean we are obligated. My parents were good to me; but I've been on my own -- they never had to take care of me in my adult life or give me money, etc.. They did their parenting job but I don't want to feel I "owe them" because they were my parents. You just have to answer for yourself. I'm sorry you are in this situation; if there is anyway to move your father out and get care elsewhere; I think you should do so. You have done a lot already. Don't feel guilty and ignore all those outsiders who think they know differently -- how many of them are in your situation?. You need your own life and space as well. I'm afraid if I had to care for my mom full time I'd resent her and how it made me feel.

No one should give up their health, happiness, marriage, family and/or lifestyle for their parent. You can be a loving child and care for your parent without having them live in your home. There are just situations that are never going to be positive. The best place for the parent is where they will be safe and healthy. How can that happen in a home where everyone else is miserable?

God bless everyone dealing with these issues.

Ronnystee, I sure understand how you could get manipulated - the narcissistic mother is that absolute tops at that. But I don't understand where your husband is coming from - why on earth would he want to be around her? Is it that he does not actually do the work, is it money, I just don't get it, but does he understand what this is doing to your marriage? You certainly have NO obligation to be perpetual serf to a lazy parent. Whoever thought that one up?

This is really a very difficult situation that you find yourself in. Let's take moment and think about some of the things that you have said. Do you feel the need to take your father into your home because you are concerned about what others will think? In your family situation have your siblings assumed that you would be the one to take your father in so when your father needs help they go on about their life and leave you to deal with your fathers needs? Please know that families and society sometimes make us feel far more obligation then what we should feel and far more then what our parents would really want us to take on. So here is another question for you, have your discussed with your father what he considers a quality of life? Does he want to live with you or are there other options that could be available to him, such as a senior community or assisted living? In caring for my owm parents who cared for their parents in our family home they never wanted to live with their children. They made this desire known as we were growing up and as they were growing older and more frail. After my dad's passing my mother and I started our search for an assisted living community that she liked and would be comfortable in. She has been a resident at that community for two years. During that time I have heard from other relatives that it is a "shame" that my mother is living in a "home", but not one of those individuals offered any assistance when my mother needed help. Knowing this is kindly listen to their comments and state very plainly that while they are welcome to their opinion I didn't notice them helping my mother get to the grocery store or to her doctor appointments. It is important that you make a decision that works for your father and you. Please know that you deserve your own life as well and at 50 the stress that you are currently feeling can result in health issues for you. These are not easy questions to answer and this is a difficult situation to be in so I hope that my comments have helped.

Rovana, my husband and I were married (2nd marriage for both) for only 6 months when this madness first started. He has been very supportive for the last 15 years. Not that we haven't had our own personal issues, but we do love each other. Despite the many challenges, we finally made the move to WPB, Fl last year and it seemed that we were really enjoying life. And then mom would get sick and since he wasn't working, he would run up to Central Florida and take care of her. After her last bout of pneumonia in Feb, we started talking about her living with us. My fault in this whole mess is that I truly never thought that I wouldn't be able to live with her. I think the catalyst that really got the wheels turning was that my job really sucked and I was miserable, having headaches, not sleeping etc. we had made an offer on a home in Boynton Beach that would accommodate all of us. After a particularly bad day at work, my husband told me to quit the job. What was I thinking when I quit, I can't say. So, of course, we did not go through with the house purchase, drove to Central Florida to tell my mom and the next thing I know, we are looking at homes there. She basically told us she would buy whatever we wanted. I fell into a spider web of manipulation from which I cannot escape. We moved here in mid June, remodeled a garage into a master suite/living room for my mom. I guess I got caught up in the fact that neither my husband nor I were working, the lease on our rental in Florida was due to end and I had been unable to find employment in WPB.
And just to preface some info on my husband, he is an extremely laid back individual. He had lost his job in 2008 and has not worked full time since then. He was 61 at the time, so I basically forced him to find some kind of work, which he did. When he turned 62 the following November, he went on Social Security and seems to be extremely content to collect that monthly stipend and work a part time job. I have always been the one to work full time, provide the health benefits etc. it now appears to me that he is exactly where he wants to be. No pressure, no mortgage, no yard work.
Regarding this situation with my mother, he is adamant that we made a deal with her, that we are going to honor that deal and I just need to accept it. End of story. So, long story short, he is not taking my feelings seriously and thinks that I am just never going to be happy unless I have everything exactly the way I want it. Which is funny, because, that is exactly my mother. So, now I am beyond frightened that I am turning into my mother. And living with her 24 hrs a day and seeing this behavior this close up, has me more scared and depressed than ever. I think she should move back into her home, which is for sale but hasn't sold, and live there until such a time that she really does need care. We would be living 30 mins from each other so plenty close enough to help her as needed. He is emphatic that we will not do that and if I feel that strongly about it and cannot live with her, then I need to do what I need to do. Not only did I lose my life and the ability to live in my own home, it appears that I may lose my husband too.
Once again, I am now not sleeping and am having constant headaches.