After my mom died, my dad did not want to live alone. It was understood that it's my obligation to have him live with me. He uses a walker and doesn't go anywhere. I've been taking care of his needs, i.e., food, medicines, living supplies, paperwork, etc. I'm in my 50's and have been very happy living alone by choice. If I didn't bring him in, it would have have looked bad for me. I've already raised a child, been married twice and never really asked my parents for anything since I left home 35 years ago. I'm starting to feel resentful and I don't look forward to spending time in my home anymore. I really wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't shake it.
I don't expect you to understand our selfless act of taking care of our parents. I know it was their responsibility to take care of us when we were young, but it is our turn now.
But what is this self-righteous crap "I don't expect you to understand our selfless act." What?!! The rest of us can possibly understant selflessness? I think you are on the wrong board.
You are in a difficult situation, but I can't imagine your husband leaving you. He only has his SS and would have to find someone else to supplement his income and cover his health care.
I wish you well and hope things improve. Cattails
And here is an update: I had an interview yesterday and am very hopeful I will be offered the position. The quirky dirk is that it is about 70 miles from where we live and the organization is worried about me taking the job and then deciding it's too far to drive and quitting. It's a demanding position but the pay would be good, they would pay my health, vision and dental completely and they contribute 5% of my income every year into a 401K plus a bonus at the end of each year. They asked me if I would consider moving closer to the job if I was offered the position. I said that I would. How can I turn down exactly what I have been looking for? I haven't really discussed this with my husband yet, but I suspect he will just let me go. So then, what is my obligation to these two at that point?
You need to know that my mother bought an airline ticket for she and my loser uncle to fly to NC for 18 days, so she isn't here now. This is the same woman who is afraid to live alone and wanted to live with us. She has consistently driven back to her home town (30 miles each way)to have lunch with her friends, get her hair and nails done and see her doctors. She has done nothing about trying to find a doctor here.
Also, I have not spoken to her in 6 weeks. She upset me so much when my friend was here visiting in August by the way she behaved. That incident DID make me realize how self centered she is. But wow, my husband really is that way when his comfort level appears threatened, I just didn't see it.
I suspect that these two will expect me to continue to help out financially even if I don't live here. What am I supposed to do?
Ronnystee - I can see you feel that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I must say I don't understand you husband's position other than that he is comfortable where he is, and that is more important to him than his marriage to you. You mention forcing him to get a job - forcing someone to do something does not get good results. I have a controlling streak too, from childhood issues, and am still learning. He may be harbouring resentment. I am not disagreeing that he should contribute to the household, I believe he should. Would marriage counselling help you, and him to resolve some of your marital issues?
As far as what you owe these two and what you should do, I ask what you owe yourself. Your mother has misrepresented herself, and obviously is more independent that she gave you to believe. It sounds like she has good financial resources - let her hire the help she needs. I think you have been manipulated by her, and perhaps by your husband who saw a cushy situation for himself. The job you are looking at sounds like a Godsend, in all respects, incuding moving away.
Your husband is not concerned about you moving away ' "Do what you have to do", and he will not consider how this situation is affecting you. That concerns me in terms of his committment to your marriage. Cat commented that your husband is like your mother - I think so.
Please look after yourself. Your mother has the resources to look after herself and yet she wants you to "serve" her. Your husband may still want to rely on you for support. Is that what you want for yourself?
I am listening to your feelings, and can identify with feeling at the end of your tether, and also feeling like you have been taken.
Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.((((((((((((hugs)))))))))
And yes, I am resentful that I have never in my adult life, had any time that there wasn't a child in the house and that includes my mother now. I wanted at least some "empty nester" time......what is wrong with that?
If offered this job, I will most likely accept it and move closer to the job. Which means my husband and my mother will have to tighten their belts and figure it out.
I appreciate your sensitivity to my dilemma and everyone else out there who finds themselves in similar situations. I just don't want to find myself in a situation where I am expecting someone to take care of me because I was financially irresponsible.
It is not OK that you gave up a good job, came to live in a remote area to serve your mum, or are facing losing your husband. Can you let go what others think and just do what is good for you?
Many people where I live work away from home on shift work, and return home periodically. For them. it is necessity as this is where the work is. It seems to work out for most. If you want to make a go of your marriage, would this work for you? 70 miles is not such a long drive for a weekend.
I toltally understand you wanting a life without someone to look after, and also that you want to be in a position to look after yourself. After a few mistakes, I made sure I was in a position to look after myself fairly comfortably, even though it meant working till I was 73. However, I also worked because I loved it. I set goals and met them. I did not start this till I was 50. I think you are going in the right direction. You can't put the clock back, you can only go forward, and try not to repeat the same mistakes, as is true for all of us. I will mention counselling again - for you and/or you and your husband .It could help you to not fall back into the old patterns, and could improve your marriage.
Be strong, let your husband and your mother figure out their problems, and as jeanne says "You go, girl!"
Do let us know who it goes. You will likely need support in this. There are wonderful women on this site who will come along side of you.
(((((((hugs))))))) Joan
I'm adding you to my daily prayers. Remember that you must take care of yourself. What good would it do if you took him in, stressed yourself until you died and left him to be cared for by the very people who are making YOU feel guilty? His life and their lives would be dreadful. Choose a nursing home where staff is friendly, smiling, and caring well for residents. God bless you! Sending you hugs and prayers. Choni
I am my father's only child. He called me for medical assistance when he was ill and dying. He's now been with my husband and I for a year and a half. I thought surely as a life long trucker he would die in his bunk one day, alas, that is not the case.
His health is steadily declining and once he reaches the point that we can no longer care for him, he will be going to a nursing home.
I have arranged for him to go to the senior citizens center everyday, except for S/S. He gets picked up at 9, is fed a hot meal, enjoys activities with the other seniors and is home by 2:30.
He's been hospitalized or in a med rehab for over a hundred days in the past year and a few months.
No, you are not obligated, nor is anyone else to care for their parents, regardless of how they may or may not have loved you. YOU have to decide what's best for YOU. Your father may even be happier around people his own age. They have much more in common.
I too am in my 50's (where did those years go!), retired and also caring for my grand daughter, husband who is disabled and my daughter who just went through a double mastectomy at the tender age of 33.
The bottom line is your call. Talk with his and your primary care giver. Mine has been an absolute God send!
My father will soon be going into a nursing home and pass away as his body can't take much more.
I totally understand where you are coming from, but you have to do what's right for you too.
My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine how you have kept up or if you still are. It has been some time since your post, but if you have not already, please check with Social Services to see if someone there might suggest an alternative, so that your Mom can move into a Nursing home or some other care facility. From your age, I can think that your Mom is on Medicare and I recall one of my relatives living in a Nursing home and her stay was paid for by Medicare. It took a great deal of stress off the family and the relative. She was able to communicate with other people in her situation and I'm sure felt much better. You don't need to drive yourself batty over this or worse. Ask for help......If you cannot get out, then call. You really need to relieve a lot of the stress you are undergoing. It's no way of life for either you or your Mother. You are still young and deserve to be happy.
You see, when my dad went into a SNF, my mom didn't want to create her own life. She expected us to make her happy and so she gradually moved in with my sister and I and our families. No discussion, no thought that perhaps our husbands ought to have some say. She expected to go on every errand, every trip, every outing. I looked forward to her return to my sisters so I could have time with my husband and kids without her doing her best to make me feel guilty. Things went south when the kids were on their own and we were all empty nesters. Mom got bored, she'd cut all ties with friends and family, preferring to have a daughter take her everywhere. We tried to care for husbands with health issues with a narcissistic woman under foot who was no support at all. Eventually it got to where we couldn't leave town for a weekend because she was unsafe to be home alone. My sister's health got worse from the stress. Three years ago, a few things occurred. My sister lost her husband and realized that the stress of caring for our demanding and self absorbed mother would kill her. We'd been taking care of her for twenty years. My husband gently gave me an ultimatum - he wanted to be able travel, go out to dinner, have time together and I needed to figure out how to do this. So we found a lovely assisted living and placed Mom. She put us thru h*ll....Italian American mamas know all the buttons to push. But she had company, had help and was safe. She's since have health issues that necessitated moving her to skilled nursing. Is she pissed? Oh yeah. Is she safe and well cared for? Yes. Have we gotten trashed by her friends and relatives, the same ones who haven't helped in Twenty years? Absolutely. Our obligation is to make sure she is well cared for. They can rip us all they want...as our dad taught us, everyone has their own troubles and unless you are in their shoes, be kind. Ultimately you must look long and hard at how this will impact you and your family. No one else's opinions matter.