Must I bring my elderly parent to live with me because it's my "obligation"?

For what it's worth, if I had known in August 2011 what I know now, I would never never never have offered to let let Dad live here "until we found an assisted living apartment." Never. Worst decision I ever made. In fact, it takes up the top five slots of the top ten worst decisions I ever made.

Listen to what you are reading here -- you , and anyone else drawn to this question. There will always be people (including your dad) who think you should do something else. But they are not in your shoes. What matters most is that you and your REAL family, the family for whom you are truly responsible, are taken care of. The Judgers don't have a clue, and there judgments largely about making themselves feel good about their own self image. Ignore them. Avoid them. Talk back to them...whatever it takes to get them out of your head.

By all means should you ask yourself if you are doing the right thing, not just for your parent, but especially for yourself. Be prepared to have absolutely no time or privacy of any kind. Be resigned to your new position at the very bottom of the ladder, because the elderly parent will do everything in their power to put themself first. Also, get ready for no one believing anything you say about their behaviour, because your remarks will be met with "Oh leave him/her alone, she/he is old and sick", or "why are you picking on him/her?" You will have mortgaged yourself completely to being an indentured slave to them, to arrange all their outings, appointments, doing their meals, laundry, renewing of medications, arranging transportation, putting up with their visitors etc. - and G-d forbid if you should complain or let on that you don't like it, or that it inconveniences you -- because they DON'T CARE. They want what they want, will lie, manipulate and do very devious things to get their own way at all times. And may the Lord help you if they are narcissistic (I appreciate those of you who are suffering with one of these as I am) because whatever you do, no matter how hard you work for them or cater/serve them, they will NEVER be pleased because you cannot please them. In fact, their greatest joy in life is to see you working your butt off - FOR THEM.
Don't kid yourself into thinking that you might get to enjoy a lunch out with your friends, or a nice dinner and conversation somewhere, or a play or movie.....because you will pay dearly when you get home. You've enjoyed yourself, and they haven't!! You aren't allowed to! No matter how you set up an outing for yourself, with a safety net "in case something happens", be prepared to come home to a crisis that they have created for themselves in order to be the center of attention but, more importantly, to kill your joy. They thrive on sabotaging your every move - including your own daughter's wedding day.
You will also never be allowed to forget that you are THEIR child so therefore they are the parent and you have to do what they say/want. Your opinion on anything doesn't count because they are always right.
G-d forbid if you spend a moment talking to someone on the phone who has called for them, because you will be grilled to death on why you were talking so long to them "that's my friend, not yours". If you have a sibling, especially a male one, don't even think that you will ever be given credit for anything that you do for them, because they will call people and tell them "he's done far more for me than she ever has".
Yes, that's right, I (the female sibling) am stuck in slavery to my mother. I am 60 yrs old but in her eyes, I am still a child who needs to be told what to do, is not allowed to have an opinion, and what I say has no relevance because it is always discounted. My spirit is dead because she killed it in childhood. She has not gotten worse because of age or illness -- she has always been this way.
When I point out that my brother does NOTHING for her - doesn't come to see her or call or pay a penny towards her upkeep - all I get are her excuses for him - "he works and you don't" "he's busy" "he went away for the weekend". Well isn't it nice to know that someone has a life!!
I took her into my home because she convinced the doctors at the hospital that she was unable to care for herself (I should have filmed that Academy Award performance) and also because she won't pay to go to assisted living or a nursing home. Her heighth of laziness astounded me and she was very clever and getting everyone in her apt. building to bring her food, get her mail, do her laundry, buy her groceries and leave "treats" on her doorstep --- sick!!
Everything she does for you has strings attached, so beware. You are never going to get the accolade you deserve from her, so forget it. What you are doing is only important to Him.
Try to find some points of gratitude in each day - but I can't tell you it will be easy.
If you make the choice to take in an elderly parent I pray that you have one who at least appreciates what you do for them, is loving, kind and respectful - and tells you so.
Good luck.

Not everyone qualifies for Hospice.


Who is Eligible for Hospice

Patients referred to hospice when life expectancy is approximately six months benefit most from hospice care. While patients must have a doctor's referral to enter hospice, the patient, family and friends can initiate the process by contacting a local hospice program.

Patients can receive hospice care for 2 periods of 90 days and an unlimited number of 60 day periods. The hospice medical director must recertify the patient to receive hospice care for each subsequent period.

If a patient's life expectancy exceeds the six month period(s), hospice care can still be provided as long as he or she is recertified as having a terminal illness.

Before providing care, hospice staff meets with the patient's personal physician(s) and a hospice physician to discuss patient history, current physical symptoms and life expectancy.

After an initial meeting with physicians, hospice staff meets with both the patient and their family. They discuss the hospice philosophy, available services and expectations.

The patient or the patient's legal guardian must sign a statement stating that he or she elects the hospice benefit and waive all rights to Medicare payments for services for the terminal illness and related conditions. The patient will continue to receive Medicare benefits that are not related to their terminal illness.

Prior to service, staff and patients also discuss pain and comfort levels, support systems, financial and insurance resources, medications and equipment needs.

A "plan of care" is developed for the patient. This plan is regularly reviewed and revised according to the patient's condition.

Bereavement services and counseling are typically available to loved ones for a year after the patient's death.

russkm, It is a very hard job taking care of anyone. I took care of my dad then my sister and brother in law at the same time and had to give him his bath, then my husband. It is your place to take care of him but it doesn't mean you have to do it all by yourself. Hospice did a wonderful job for me. Call them and they will help you - find out what is availabe for you.. They would take Ed for five night every 60 days and I had the five nights to do what I wanted. If you can't handle it then by all means insist on some help. We need more information about you and you dad to give any sound advice.

My "resentment", and I am not sure that is really the word I want to use but it will have to do for now, at what I feel is being more or less "trapped" into looking after my mother to the end, here at home - we could not afford a nice, ritzy nursing home even if I were to liquidate everything and live in a packing crate under the bridge, and even if I had, mom was the type that would have griped and growled and whined and screamed herself into getting ejected anyway, just because she was such a dissatisfied person and a borderline narcissist. So, doing my best to cope or simply abandoning her were my only options, nothing in between. I had some help from a couple social organizations and for the last year the Hospice program, but essentially it was me. That is why I warn everyone to think very carefully before you start a mission of full caregiving. Now that it is all over, what I am now struggling with is not grief per se, but that I have simply lost the joy of living that I had before. I am 12 years closer to my own death, am facing my own mortality for the 2nd time in my life (I am scheduled for valve replacement surgery next month, as well, though the loss of 12 years bothers me more) and am trying to get back whatever I had before the struggle with mom began. I am just trying to warn anyone of the consequences of divoting what could be a major part of your own life, for you never have those years back. If the satisfaction of caring for your loved and loving parent is enough, go for it, by all means, I envy you if that is so. My experience just turned into a more or less constant frustration, and continues in a different way even now.

For anyone seriously considering this 24/7 care giving job - if I knew THEN what I know NOW - not sure the same decision would have been made. And it isn't that I don't love my MIL. We have been friends and she has been my 'mother' for over 40 years. But, I am JUST PLAIN WORN OUT. I can't fix that. I can't help it either. So, if I can't do this anymore - is it MY fault for wearing out or could her other neglectful kids have anything to do with it. Guess that's another good question.

We had our granddaughter stay with her overnight a couple of years ago while we took a 'mini break' - we came home the next day and by that evening we were in the ER with my mother in law! We were just so thankful it didn't happen while our teenage granddaughter was here alone with her - although she is capable of calling 911 and my MIL has Lifeline.

But it is just that this sort of life/death scenario is a LOT of responsibility to put onto someone. It's a lot to ask of anyone. It's not exactly like 'dog sitting' or 'house sitting' - you are responsible for a frail elderly person with compromised health.

Basically, you end up 'trapped' by it all while the rest of her kids live their lives as though she doesn't exist. She has 5 other grandchildren who NEVER call, write or visit. And I do mean NEVER. She wasn't a nasty person - she was a good mother. Not sure what's up with them - but it is definitely 'out of sight, out of mind.'

I agree with gailmcg. I hired a caregiver from 9-12Mon.-Fri. and although it is expensive, the piece of mind is worth it. I was told it could cost approx. $13,000.00 per month for a nursing home! I am using what little money she has left to pay for this service, so she can stay at home a little longer, and also so I don't have to run there first thing every morning. Good luck with your MIL, I understand what all of you poor caregivers are going through, because I am going through it too, and if I didn't get some help, I would be getting a bad attitude with my mother very often, which isn't good for either one of us. Good luck.

Unfortunately, my MIL would be on Medicaid by the time she goes to NH. AL would only happen IF she qualifies for V.A. Aid and Attendance and depends on how much she gets, if any. No, we cannot afford $15 hr help. Many of us can't. Just the cost of our own insurance, (home, health, auto), utilities and property taxes and food take what we have. I am the full time caregiver - her other children will say 'I'll do what I can - I understand' and then do nothing or worse yet, show up and then leave after we do. Who needs that?

Caregiving our elders is the most difficult job there is, especially when it is not even appreciated by love or pay. And it is the only job I know of that people will do without a break 24/7 month after year. All too often constant caregivers suffer stress-related health conditions. You need breaks and not just 1 week a year. Most, if not all, Senior Services centers offer "respite care" for the caregivers. Take advantage of it. The costs are nominal - far less than the medical expenses you are likely to incur as a result of what you are doing.
You talk of placing your MIL in AL or NH, but not being able to hire caregiver help. Part-time caregiver help is a fraction of the cost of either AL or NH. No, Medicare does not pay for any of the above, unless a doctor transfers her to a NH from a hospital where she had received at least 3 days of care. Then they pay only for UP TO 100 days. You can get a lot of months of caregiver help - parttime, interspersed with yours - for the cost of a NH or even AL. I realize your MIL wants only you to care for them, dispite their verbal abuse, but there are times when you must take a stand and take care of yourself; get that necessary break.
Try hiring someone from the church to come Sunday afternoons; or a nursing student one day a week. Your MIL just might adjust after a while when she realizes she can't control you that day.
Good luck to you and find a way to nurture yourself. You deserve it!

No. Just do what it best for them and you both. Safety and sanity are not unusual demands...

I would imagine - I can ONLY IMAGINE - that if financial circumstances were different and we were able to actually afford to hire HELP that we could trust to actually come and stay and care for my MIL regularly so that I could get a break - I would never even think of considering assisted living or a nursing home.
MPh.D. didn't mention if he/she were doing ALL the caregiving ALL Alone or if he/she is in a position to hire help or perhaps has an extended family who helps.

My MIL"s youngest son came to stay a week last year and give us a break - waved goodbye to us as we merrily and stupidly went off for a week of respite - only to find out 24 hours later and he had LEFT and went back home (actually, he went on a trip to Vegas!) leaving his mother who was fresh out of the hospital and in a weakened condition and the jerk didn't even call usto tell us he left her all alone. Our son called after my MIL called him asking about medicine. Of course, we turned around and came directly home. NO APOLOGIES THEN OR SINCE. So much for his help.

Everyone's circumstances are different. Everyone's temperament is different and that goes for the Elders too. Some are sweet and cooperative and kind. Some are Sneaky, grumpy, depressed, demented, prefer lies to the truth, love to insinuate that their care givers neglect them. My MIL told her bath lady that we leave her and don't tell her where we go (a lie). She also told her that she never gets to go anywhere. (another lie). Just yesterday I asked her to go to the store with me and she refused. She always refuses. So, whose fault is it that she goes nowhere. MINE, of course. How would the bath lady know that I offered? My MIL would never tell her. We tell her whenever we run an errand. If she forgets, does that mean we didn't tell her? NO! But that is what she tells people. Sure, she has beginning dementia - but it still hurts that she can only say unkind things. It gets old.

So, it is less than helpful for someone whose circumstances are not as difficult as another s to diminish another person's difficulties with platitudes and a guilt trip. I agree, HappilyDivorce1 doesn't need what most of us need and that is a place to voice our frustrations so that we can 'keep on keepin on' as long as possible. But, when it becomes impossible - and for many it does eventually become impossible - there should be NO GUILT HEAPED upon someone because they just can't take it anymore.

IF the day comes when my MIL needs more care than I can provide because of extreme health issues that I cannot address (and we do NOT have the finances to hire someone to come in and care for her 'professionally' - then she will go to a nursing home and we will make certain it is a good facility and we will visit her often and continue to care for her.

How awful for the many caregivers who are near the brink of exhaustion - both physical and emotional - to be made to feel guilty when they have done their best. I cannot imagine how SOME could be so self-righteous as to do that to another without even knowing that person or their circumstances. There are not BLANKET answers - no 'one size fits all.'

happilydivorced1, if I had a parent like yours I would not be on this site, ever. Many of us have seriously tried to "be there for our parents", we don't want to throw them away. But the parent is so dysfunctional it would kill us and the parent would stand and laugh at us as we die.

Nice to see something positive, but your situation is not most of us. You are very lucky.

I will tell you a little story about my mom and my twin's chihuahuas. When Dad died 4 years ago, my girls were in the middle of nursing exams at the University of Florida. They could not fly to Alabama where my parents live for the funeral. So my husband and i decided to turn around and go back to Alabama, two weeks later, pick up the twins in Gainesville and make the 11 hour drive so the twins could visit with their grandma. Since it was spring break, no one was around to babysit the chihuahuas and grandma said they absolutely could not bring "those dogs". The dogs are sweet not snippy. I was told it is her house and she shouldn't have to have the dogs. So my family's suggestion was for us to board them, drive the 11 hours, and visit my family for two days. Neither mom or my brother have been to my house in 9 years. So, of course, we said screw it. My girls are now 25, live in another state and haven't seen their grandma in probably 4 or 5 years. I wonder why.

Be glad you Dad is sweet, Mom has always been this way. Her way or the highway.

This is a discussion forum for anyone caring for an elder, especially a parent. That means some of the people being cared for are reasonably healthy and capable, with minor care needs. Some are physically disabled. And some have dementia (often along with other ailments). In terms of what kind of care is best, ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. It can't. And that is even before we factor in the great differences among the caregivers in terms of age, health, other dependents, and prior relationship with the elder.

This is a wonderful learning venue where we can exchange ideas and experiences. Ultimately each caregiver has to make individual decisions based on individual circumstances. Russkm, I hope we've given you permission to make decisions without regard to "how it looks" to outsiders.

Best regards to you as you struggle with this.

My parents died when I was in my twenties. So, my parents never got OLD. My MIL moved here when her health was still fairly ok - she had lived on a farm on a busy Hwy and had weird people coming down the drive at all hours and she was scared to be alone there. She fell in the snow out behind a shed while burning trash. I think that scared the crap out of her.

So, having had absolutely no dealings with care giving and being 'friends' with my MIL for 40 years, we invited her to move in. It was great for the first 3-4 years and then her health failed. I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I was in for. And I do mean 'I.' Her other children do nothing to help and offering no help, respite or $ for anything EVER.

Her life now is going from one mini-crisis to the next with a major one thrown in for good measure every so often. I am worn out. She doesn't understand WHY?

Would I do this again? NO! I have also told my kids that unless they ALL help with our care (not putting the burden on just one as happens most of the time), don't even begin. Find a way to keep us in our home, then AL, then Nursing home and visit often. I don't ever want any of my kids to feel the way I do now. It just isn't fun. It is unhealthy. I too wonder if my MIL will outlive me.

One should only take on this kind of responsibility or accept the obligation if one loves the elderly person enough to make huge sacrifices. If my mother had been abusive (either physically or emotionally) I would not have made the sacrifices I am still making. As well, my family does try to support me emotionally - at least as much as they can given the stresses in their lives. Our society no longer has the customs of large multi-generational families living together (in enclaves if not in the same house). Moreover, society imposes certain expectations which most people have bought into. So it has become a travail to care for elderly and infirm family members. Don't do it if you can't do it. Just do your best to make sure your father is safe wherever he ends up.

Dear Happily: I am so happy that your dad can enjoy so much at his age. What a blessing. Thanks for understanding that those who have parents with grave medical issues, may not be able to do all you do. I would so love to see my dad being capable to enjoying the things you dad can still enjoy. What a blessing.

Thanks for your response and for taking such good care of your dad.

I can answer your question with authority. Also in my 50’s am the sole caregiver for my 103 year young father, providing quality care revolves around love, gratitude, duty, economics and understanding. Yes, it is hard and very hard sometimes. However, when those times come, and believe me they do, all that I have to do is to remember how he chose to take responsibility for my siblings and me when we could not fence for ourselves. So many so called “fathers and mothers” walk away from their children because it is “too hard or inconvenient” to care for them. Sometimes, I must force myself to remember that even though in his days what we call abuse today was not recognized by the laws of society he’s punishment hurt very much and maybe was at today’s standards abusive. However, no child is born to this world of ours with an instruction manual on how to be a good mom or dad and care for a child properly under his/her arm.
In our country, we live in a throw away type of society. What does not provide us with immediate gratification; it is used up or gives us some degree of grief we throw away or trade for something better. We do the same with our elders when we put them in elderly homes for the simple reason that “they are inconvenient for us” or because “they will feel better around people their age”. Actually, we put them there because they remind us of our own mortality and we don’t want to deal with the notion that we are going to get there someday. I am not talking about people with mayor health issues here; those people really need special attention and care. The throw away notion is not an acceptable alternative to me. My dad has heart problems, an abdominal hernia and is 89% deaf. Nevertheless, he lives a full life in my home painting, being in the warm sun by the redwood trees in the afternoon, playing with my Rottweiler, enjoying my visitors and friends or watching television. He even travels with me when I have to make small business trips. How can we become a better more responsible society if we throw away the ones who chose to have us to start with? How can we look at ourselves in the mirror after leaving them in homes that even though a great many of them provide excellent care, medical attention and meals are not their own family’s homes? What our elders need and crave in general is the love of family. Children, grandchildren, pets, friends. The daily atmosphere of a full family unit where all generations are represented in its members. With all of the joys and heartaches a normal family experience in our society.

Easy? Not all the time. However, if I had to do it all over again I will do so. The day my father passes I will know in my heart that I did all I could do to reciprocate and even give him more than he had given me.

Vicktor Etchart MPh.D.
Clovis CA

Eddie: Since my dad moved in with me, I've told my daughter that I promise I won't expect this of her. I also hope I won't want to live with my child since I've been extremely content & happy living on my own.
To everyone who has responded, I've really learned a lot. It's amazing - I don't feel as bad now as I did before I posted the question.
In answer to another post: My sister & I took him to a senior center that looked wonderful. My dad hated it. I've brought it up a few times since, but it's an absolute NO for him. Can't even talk about it anymore.
Reading all the answers, I will continue to try....until I just can't anymore. And I'll know when it's time to make a change, without Guilt.
DT and Margeaux - I totally related to your posts, and thank you.
This is a wonderful website. Experienced, honest and supportive answers.

I think it may help if we knew how your dad felt about this. Talking to him, explaining your feelings, and asking him how he feels about a nursing home or assisted living facility just may help you figure out what you need to do.

One of the things I've heard over and over and it's so very difficult to do, is to 'take care of yourself'. I did feel extremely guilty for not taking my mom in before she died, but I had a hugely crowded home (still do) and a husband who is disabled and needs 24 hour care. I basically had to decide where my own limits were. Ma went into a nursing home, where she was miserable. However, I also know that my mother would have been just as or more miserable living in my busy, crowded, messy home as well. I visited when I could, and paid attention to her doctors and the NH staff. I brought the family out to see her even though she acted more ashamed of the family than happy to see them.

The thing is, you need to do what is best for you first, and then for your loved one -- not the other way around. Who wants to live with someone who is stressed and resentful because of our presence? Really, it would probably be best if you helped him get placed in a facility, and then spent a lot of time visiting and doing things with him. Take him out shopping, or on a picnic once in a while. It would be quality time vs quantity.

I'm glad I had mom placed in the NH, because I was able to have some happy times with her before she died, rather than resenting her presence all the time. But, as so many have said, it really is up to you and your dad.

Russkm, I fully understand everything you're going through! Your story is similar to mine (my husband and I brought my Mom to live with us about a year ago from another state). I fully understand the resentment and the guilt that comes with that resentment! I used to be very close to my Mom but I don't feel that way anymore. Our home no longer feels like our sanctuary even though she's not a horrible person to live with. It's just so hard having another adult in your home and especially one that has no hobbies! A lot of our privacy is gone and we never have a moment to ourselves anymore. She has no ability to go anywhere on her own (she's partially paralyzed) and we have no family in this state to take her for a few hours. I just want to sit in my own living room with my husband where she is not within earshot! Unfortunately, I don't have any solutions for you but I just wanted you to know that no one here will judge you for making any decision that you must make.

It's not a black and white situation in the caregiving scenario. In our family mom and her sister were dysfunctionally close. They were so close I use to say they were joined at the hip. They lived together, I say lived as my aunt died in January.
But they'd been living together for quite sometime before the decline of their health.

The relationship between the two was one of my abusive aunt bossing my mom around. When mom was diagnosed w/ALZ, this just became worse. They both became increasingly immobile, so this meant they didn't want to leave the house.
Mom was so controlled by her sister, that she would not even want to go with either my sister or myself if we'd invite her out to dinner, or just to get out. We eventually didn't want to take my aunt, on account of the abuse she dished out to my sister and me. So for the last year of my aunt's life, mom hardly got out, by her choice, (didn't want to leave my aunt behind). Also, this dynamics has prevented us from at least up until now to try to see whether we could find an Adult Day Health Center, so mom could get some kind of stimulation, given the ALZ. Well, now that her sister just passed, it seems highly unlikely that the Adult Day Health Center plan will ever happen. Mom has become used to just being in her home w/caregivers, or us. So I believe, that as I've read via other posts, that parents sometimes whether they've ALZ, or other debilitating conditions, kind of make their own choices. I know in our family these two elders have been oh so stubborn, and have this, "It's my way or the highway kind of an attitude." Anyway, I just wanted to mention this in terms of the fact that many times, caregivers can try their best to offer possibly the best of intentions. But when you have some real resistance going on, WHOA! After I witnessed what my aunt put my sister through, living there w/them, in hindsight, even my sister admits now, she should have found a nursing home for her. No one should feel guilt for this either. We still have our mom, but even w/ALZ, she's well cared for, and actually is no problem in terms of her personality, especially now that her sister is no longer with us. Have a great evening, Margeaux

I think Gailmcg had a great story that she shared. Your dad is not ready for a nursing home. Consider what she said and talk to your dad about it. Maybe he can sense a little tension and would be willing to discuss the situation with you. My heart goes out to you. I don't know if I could do it, but you could ask him how he feels about living with you and if he's comfortable. If he asks you the same, you have to be kind, but honest. Maybe just having that simple discussion...as Gail says, little discussions over a time, not all at once, will give you both more compassion for each other.

Having my dad with us is so difficult at times. Not because he is mean spirited or difficult, but just because it's so confining. I can't even take a shower unless my husband can watch over him. My husband works part time and his hours vary, so sometimes I don't get a shower. That's life, but it wasn't what I was looking forward to in retirement. I take really good care of my dad and I do love him. When we get him into bed at night and he's content and blankets tucked in all around him, I tell him I love him and give him a kiss. There is always a smile in return and a, "I love you too sweetheart." My heart is always torn between wanting to have some freedom to do the things I need to do and looking after him. It's not even about having fun. It's draining and I would never advise another that they should take the road that we have. It's not my place. I think Gail gave you some good guidance. If you talk with your dad and can do it in the right way, maybe you will learn more about how he really feels. You know him, I don't. Just a thought.

I suggest u put him in the nursing home. I was the same way. After putting her in the nursing home for the 3rd time this is where she gets all the care and can't get into trouble alone at my home while i am not there.

You know, I think as long as the parent isn't hateful, evil and makes you wish you were dead, then I'd have them live with me till they died. What the heck.

I think many men of the WWII generation find life without a family member very difficult. My father would be about the age of your father if he had not passed away almost two years ago. He told me when my mother was in an accident that he had no desire to live without her. That being said, you are in no way required to take your father into your house because he will probably not be happy without your mother wherever he lives. Changes are not going to happen overnight, but start with a visit together to senior citizen centers. Make jokes about scoping out the center for yourself, too. Does your father have any friends that are still alive? Take him to visit them or take them out to eat at someplace simple. Start helping your dad create his own life. I started sharing simple problems with Dad and it perked him up because he knew he was useful to people. After you have tried to get your father out of his room, ask him what would make him happier. Even if you do not find other housing, you can find a companion. Many college students would be thrilled for minimum wage for a few hours a day to be there with your father and give you some freedom. I understand your desire to avoid having your father living with you. You are not wrong to feel that way AT ALL. Do what is best for you and your father. Just know that no one has the right to judge you and don't give up on finding a solution. We can only give suggestions on this forum. If they don't fit your situation, please ignore them. Just to make you smile, my mother who has a traumatic brain injury, is 84 and refuses to have any of her children live with her until she is 94. Men and women are often different in their reactions to care when they get older. Take care and don't be so hard on yourself. Rebecca

KAT:

I'm sure you've spent 2/3 of your life taking care of everybody else's needs, and now you want to live a little. Nothing wrong with that.

If you put him in AL -- where he can have a social life -- he'd probably feel like a dog in a pound and blame you for "throwing him away." Family members will also gang up on you with something like "You're living by yourself and have plenty of room, why not take him in? ... It's your father. If it weren't for him you wouldn't be here."

Girl, it's time for a heart-to-heart with Dad. As kindly as possible, explain to him why you don't look forward to coming home sometimes. The bottom line is that his lifestyle is becoming a burden that no daughter looks forward to, no matter how loving she is. In a nutshell, he has to get off the pity pot somehow and do his best to become self-sufficient again so you don't have to worry.

Still, I have a few questions: Are you expecting your children to care for you in your later years? Would you hold it against them if they didn't?

russkm, see what I mean about the bus.............

That said, I have a mom who has told me since my teen years (and I will be 60 in April) that all of her money is to be saved for a nursing home for her and Dad. Well, she lives like a pauper and has amassed around a million dollars. So, it occured to me that the nursing home thing is just an excuse to not pay for anything. She is the Queen of Excuses.

So, she has set her fate. I will always remind her of her lifelong dream of being in a nursing home. Maybe she knows more than the rest of us. Maybe all these parents who don't want to go to a home are missing something. I have a feeling she will certainly let me know when the time comes.

I read your post many times, and this is not judgement, it is a fact you stated, yes you are involved but you still leave it on your sister, and having to care for her sister which makes it your aunt, whether you liked her or not, as God says love one another and yes you and I are in the same boat no children, no one to care for us, sad but true, and I have accepted that, I don't have any guilt because I do all I can for my mom, I also have a husband in poor health, we all have our burdens to bear, sometimes I am spread really thin but have my faith and it keeps me going everyday, I pray for all on this site as I know the hardships that come along with caring for the elderly, so prayers will be said for you too, If you feel guilt, it is your own, not mine

ejbunicorn: If you re-read my post, I did not say that all of the responsibility falls upon my sister. I do not live there, but still do participate. She lives there with my mother, with her two daughters. I work, so does my sister and situations are such that we just cannot leave our jobs. Mom is well taken care of throughout the week by paid caregivers. My brothers are the ones that do not participate, but oh well! I am sorry for you that, as you have stated you have siblings that don't participate. and use the rationale that I do not have kids and I won't be taken care of, etc. as a justification for your situation in this regards. It is one thing for people to take on the responsibility of caring for a parent, but we should not assume here any things about one another. Our story is way more complex, with the added fact that we had to care for her sister also, who was extremely abusive. We are talking about guilt here, are we not?