The on-going saga. I live with my 89 year old mother. I'm 65, retired, divorced no kids, good physical health and love my mother. Until recently, it was not a problem as mom was quite functional. She could walk without a cane or walker and drove short distances. I moved in with my mother after my divorce 20 years ago.
In the last month and a half, everything has gone downhill. My mom suffered a compression fracture in her back and became bedridden with extreme pain. On top of that she had a bad reaction to an insomnia drug that caused her to have an acute memory loss. I took her off the medication ASAP, but since then her memory has deteriorated. She has lost some of her balance and I feel she cannot be left alone. She gets through the house by furniture surfing which is possible since its a small house. She has had several falls.
Because of weakening condition, some cognitive loss and general uncertainty, I had her MD give a test for acuity which she passed., with some errors. I have talked to an attorney regarding a Power of Attorney (POA), in view of her deteriorating condition.
My main problem now is with my sister. She is 63 and lives 10 minutes away with her husband and one adult child. She is a bitter, unhappy person, whose main hobby when talking to my mother, is recriminating her for all the "things" my mother has done to her. She is either scolding her, railing against me (we have a rocky relationship), or berating my mother for some imagined fault. When my mother hangs up the phone, she is always upset. Her latest topic is the upcoming marriage of my niece. This is all she is obsessed with at the moment.. She refuses to come over and look in on mom. She refuses to recognize that mom is 89 and in poor health. She can only talk about herself and her children. She hates all our relatives for the imagined faults they have done to her. My aunt calls her a witch. I feel she has mental issues, but she refuses to seek help. She is the ultimate "Victim".
My biggest fear is that if she finds out I have a POA on Mom, she will go ballistic. I can't get her to sit down and talk about Mom' s problems, without degenerating into a screaming argument. How do I prepare myself for what looks to be a battle royal? I don't want to argue or expose myself to more abuse from her.
"Yes, Medicare recognizes power of attorney as legal authorization when someone else is acting on behalf of the beneficiary. ... Even a spouse can't enroll in a Medicare Supplement plan without the Durable Power of Attorney. If you wish to make healthcare decisions for another person, you'll need to apply."
As for mom's problems - have her checked for a urinary infection. Very likely after the issues she had. Take her to a pain management or osteo dr regarding the compression fracture. There is a procedure that can be performed for the fracture where they inject or put some sort of cement type material in the fracture. Helped my mom a lot with the pain. Also, ask the doctor about a daily shot that you do at home called Forteo. You do it daily for 2 years to build bone. My mother's bone density test after the two years is a normal range again and hers was a seriously low number prior to forteo. Dr said they don't prescribe it until after a patient has bone breaks or fractures like you described.
After one compression fracture, there will be more. Even sitting down too hard can do it. Perhaps drs can help you manage this problem now.
I brought both my sisters to my mother's appointment and had the doctor explain to all of us, including my mother, what her various diagnosis were and the prognosis.
Your are a human being, all you can do is the best you can. If your sister can't control herself and won't bother to spend the time to really look at the medical situation then ask, or tell her to leave.
You do not have to be verbally abused by her and neither does your mother.
This forum has tons of information on issues you might not be dealing with yet but just reading it will give you insight.
Good luck with all of this and God Bless!
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My heart goes out to you for the upcoming events. I know.... I've been battling with my sister for several years now. She always plays the victim. I found out pretty quickly that arguing does not solve anything. Be prepared to disconnect from her if you need to.
And speaking of doctors.... it may be time to find a new one for Mom if they can't find a way to have her seen by another doctor in the practice until Sept! Check with friends Mom's age and see if they have recommendations. A geriatric specialist would be welcome but in some locations they can be hard to find.
Re: your silly, self absorbed sister .... there is unfortunately nothing you can do about her. She isn't going to change after all these years and you definitely can't help anyone who doesn't think they have a problem. Sadly, she is what she is and you can't expect any help from her. I wouldn't bother to tell her that you are getting the VIDs.... just get them. Yes.... if and when you have to make some decisions for your Mom, she will go ballistic as you expect. Ignore her. If she gets stupid on the phone advise her "hanging up now. Will talk to you when you are more rational" and then really hang up! Neither you or your Mom need to be upset by her nonsense so don't permit it to happen. Unfortunately, I would guard against leaving her alone with Mom as she is subject to try to get Mom to sign a "new " PoA giving her control. I have seen that happen far too often.
Sending prayers and wishing you peace on this difficult journey.
All fun aside, it’s obvious she has a tremendous amount of power over you. Her behavior is abusive, both to you and your mother. I have a rebellious nature, so I have no problem telling a bully where to go. But we are all different kind of people, and that’s okay. I would just ask, what has “playing nice” with her ever gotten you?
My mother-in-law (who I now care for) was very much like that until the dementia set in. Crying, stomping feet, screaming, throwing temper tantrums like she was two years old. When I first met my husband and I saw her behavior I was so shocked. I’d never seen a grown adult act like such a baby - like a toddler crying in a grocery store over candy.
Why did she do it? THE POWER it gave her. She ruled with fear. “Oh no! Better not make Mama mad!” My husband, his sister, and their dad lived in constant fear of her tantrums.
No audience, no temper tantrums. You CHOOSE to let her in. Listen to her. Don’t give her that power.
Get the POA for your mom. If your sister starts screaming or becomes abusive, lay down the rules. “You can’t be around mom if you’re going to be abusive.” “No, I’m not going to listen if you’re screaming at me,” and hang up the phone. Shut the door. Don’t scream. Don’t get riled up. Stay in control. You can’t change her, but you can change your own life, and you’ll be much happier for it, not constantly living in fear.
You can file a harassment lawsuit.
Also, you can make a citizen’s arrest.
When she goes ballistic at being excluded or not informed, let her steam away by herself.
You have a lot on your shoulders now, and having peace is very important. You and your Mom need that.
I am going through much the same with my mom and posted recently. What I don't understand is if you have been living with your mom for the past twenty years, why would your sister even question whether or not you have POA. I could be wrong, but I would assume that it is you who takes her to all of her doctor visits. Doesn't really sound like your sister has much time for your mom anyhow.
My mom is 91 and in an assisted living facility for 9 months now. About three years ago I was very concerned about mom's mental status and had the doctor test her. SHE PASSED the test. 100%. WHAT? She even knew the name of the building where her doctor is at! That doesn't mean that when we left the doctor's office that she couldn't answer a simple question.
I was the only one who took mom to doctor appointments for over 25 years, and that was tough. Trust me, I am very angry with my siblings for not helping.
From what I understand from some of the responses I had from my post, POA is the easiest to get. If you decide to do guardianship or conservatorship, all siblings will be contacted to see how they feel about you being in charge. Maybe at that time they will decide to be in charge, which may or may not be a good thing. In my situation, I am going to talk with an attorney today about POA.
Assisted living was a good choice for my mom. Sounds like it might be good for your mom as well. If she is falling a lot at home, it would make your life easier. Fortunately for my mom she does have long term care insurance which helps a lot. I am very concerned that mom will fall on my watch - so much so that I am afraid to take her out to eat which she so desperately wants. She does not walk (so she says) at the facility where she is at.
Good luck to you and your mom.
My mother does not have long term insurance. We would have to sell the house, to provide the funding for any extended period. I had an elder aunt who fell into this category. My cousins, one a Retired US Army Colonel and his elder brother who was a Ret USMC Vietnam CH-53 pilot ,, sold my aunt's house to pay for the extended care. She ended up outliving the money provided for the extended care and was returned back to the care of my cousins. She ended up dying soon after at 94 .
My sister was the absolute worst! The good part is, she cant hide it ever. Every time she opens her mouth, she shows who she is, and the probate judge believed it and appointed me.
I won’t go into the following years of hell as she critiqued every decision, trying her best to hang onto our mothers checkbook.
She was living in a condo in Jupiter Florida, all paid for by a mother being “guilted.”
The judge cut her off that day.
The “conspiracy” that I was robbing, dissolved.
Its a thankless job and it will be hard, because of your sister.
“No good deed, goes unpunished.”
Having a seasoned probate attorney, makes all the difference to the judge.
Good luck ~
In regards to your sister, you are not alone. This is very typical with most families with aging parents. Do what is right for your mom and concentrate on that. PS. I might add some cameras or record some calls in case you ever need to prove the way your sister speaks to your mom because if she is stressing her - there maybe something you can do later. Just keep everything to yourself because people talk. Good Luck and stay positive..
Yes! - your situation is not at all unique - - - sadly.
My stepmother had to have her number removed from her father's phone so he could no longer call her after many abusive calls. Perhaps screen for mom?
When my Mom was in her final years, I, too, was helping her with her checkbook. My Mom handled the family finances all her life. At the end she was making mistakes in adding and subtracting and her checkbook was a mess. I can't tell you how many times I needed to rewrite her checkbook register.
She was experiencing loss of short term memory. Does your Mom own the home she lives in? Is her name only on utility bills? In the last few years, we went over all her assets and accounts. My brother and sister were not caregiving our Mother and pretty much ignored the reality that "someone" was going to need to step up and take care of these things. It sucks being the only competent/reliable sibling in a family. Therefore, I hired an expert elder law attorney to draw up a will and my Mom named me sole executor because she knew I could handle everything and would carry out her wishes (I am the youngest of 3). My Mom had a few small life insurance policies that were changed to me being the sole beneficiary. My name was on her joint bank accounts with me as payable to me upon her death. All this was done to avoid ANY disagreements. Our Mom discussed with me numerous times what she wanted to happen after she was gone. I discussed this with my sister and brother because they avoided these conversations with our mother. They didn't have a problem with any of the above because they didn't want to do any of the "work" involved in handling issues after someone dies. Nice, huh?
I kept METICULOUS records of income and expenses after our mother passed so there could be no issues. Everything was equally distributed in the long run. If you have been living with your Mom for 20 years, I hope there is a will in place if she owns her home. You seem to be her primary caregiver and know her best. Your sister seems to care little for anyone but herself. Your best protection is to be prepared legally.
Your Mom seems to want to tell your sister everything that's happening (POA etc) -- oh, and a health care proxy should have only you as decision maker if you feel your sister would be argumentative and not have your Mom's wishes in mind -- and that's okay. As people get older, they want to talk to anyone who will have a conversation with them, even if it upsets them. So, just get everything done paperwork-wise NOW and it will be done. Someone has to be in charge and you're it. You don't even have to tell your sister anything if you don't want to. If your sister doesn't like it, well so what. I doubt she will physically take your Mom to another attorney and change anything you both put it place. These type of siblings have a lot to say, but when push comes to shove, they don't want to actually "do" anything that will create work for them. It's typical.
My advice would be to try to avoid your sister and take care of Mom the best you can. Confront her ONCE if you must, say your peace, and be done with her. Tell her she is upsetting your Mom with her phone conversations and if it continues, you will end those in short order. You don't need to continue a toxic relationship with your sister. That's YOUR decision. Your sister sounds pretty narcissistic so calling her out about these upsetting conversations with your Mom probably won't phase her. Keep the conversations going with your Mom in a calm manner and assure her you are taking care of everything and love her very much. Just do your best for Mom and you will have no regrets after she's gone.
If I seem to be coming across a tad ‘aggressive’ it is because I AM! And Kaki, I am only doing so out of the luv and compassion that we family caregivers have for each other. And out of an urgent instinct to protect our commarades from the difficulties we learned the hard ways during our caregiver journey.
susan xoxo
Also if it does come up or you need to inform your sister for some unknown reason, you might just focus on the medical side of it. It was necessary for someone to have medical POA and since you are dealing with her medications and doctors appointments the attorney felt it should be you. If your sister puts up a stick then fine if she wants to take over moms care you will gladly hand it over, in this particular case I’m not sure offering the option of both of you having this responsibility is wise since your relationship is so strained.
The other thing I would urge you to remember when speaking and thinking about this is you don’t have POA “over” your mom you have it “for” her, I know seems a small difference but a significant one when you think about it. While in actuality may you the ability to do pretty much anything, technically it doesn’t give you the authority with your mom still considered competent.
Don't let the fear of your sisters wrath stop you from getting your mothers legal affairs in order ASAP and hide behind the attorney if you need to, they should be used to this. Good luck.
Unfortunately, this type of situation brings out the flaws in family loyalties. So, she goes ballistic. You don't have a relationship with her to save, and you may have to limit her access to your mother for her well being. Stay focused on your plan to assure your vulnerable mother enjoys some quality of life for her limited years.
I am the POA for my mother but the lawyer wrote in a sentence that I need to consult with/communicate with my 3 siblings before I make a decision. That is what my mother wanted. Just a thought.
You know how it is ,it’s application after email after phone call day in day out . it’s a job no one wants but someone has to and you need others in the family to support you if they can’t directly help ,all I want is to have mum in same state so I can watch how she is treated in the facility, and visit her daily .
I don’t have an answer for you because I’m still in the jungle with you ,trying to find pathways to getting mum safe !
But I will say one thing I’m an Empath and it’s sounds very much like you are also .Empaths do things altruistically out of love and loyalty ,not for self gain .on the other hand ... my sister and by what you’ve told us about your sister - exhibit Narcacistic traits and unfortunately , they can not relate to or have empathy for anyone other than things ,situations and people that directly impact them or do something for them ( this is not a professional opinion just an observation) ...sadly they will have to live with the guilt of not doing their best for all concerned... you on the other hand , although exhausted ,will be able to know in your heart ♥️ as will your mother know when she goes into the spirit world , that you did your very best for her , ( in my opinion)suffering for the sake of others is the highest form of love 💗 good luck you are doing a great thing .
i agree:
empathetic/kind people vs. selfish/exploitative people (dumping everything on you).
...“oh say can you see, what is in it for me”