My mother was abusive and neglectful. In her adult life she was manipulative and cruel. I’m an only child. I distanced myself from her for years. After several hospitalizations I stepped in and placed her in an ALF. She has dementia and multiple health issues. Long story short she has been placed on hospice. I haven’t seen her in months due to Covid. I recently got a call that she had another fall and a sharp decline. They agreed that I could visit. She recognized me right away and then launched into a litany of complaints and demands. I went back to feeling like a helpless 10 year old!!! She has always lied and made things up, and that hasn’t stopped. She mixes up her words and has very poor judgement, and seems to have hallucinations. But she also seems to know she can try and manipulate the situation. She is making outrageous accusations of the staff and saying her food is poisoned. She is cursing at me and telling me I am not defending her and she wants to leave the facility. And so on. Since my visit she is calling me and continuing with abusive behavior that is very familiar to me. I have set strong boundaries and consider myself just the manager of her business affairs. I have already spoken with an elder care attorney to insure I am managing everything to the best of my ability. I communicate with the staff to insure they understand her anxiety and depression. They have reported she is becoming a little combative. Given her dementia and reports of hallucinations, is it wrong to still be concrete, firm and direct with my responses? I haven’t returned for a visit. I am still upset.
Do what you can live with. There is no right or wrong in these situations. You have to protect your heart from her abusive behavior in any way that works for you.
You have been a great advocate and daughter, she doesn't need to see or acknowledge that to make it truth.
Great big warm hug for all you have done and will do!
Talk to Hospice nurse about her agitation and stay away. Let the hospice nurse know that you would like to know when she is at the absolute end, medicated to the point of no anxiety IF you really feel like you need to visit again.
I find that so many folks think that there is going to be a "revelation" of love and kindness at the end of life. With a narc parent, it nevers happens. I had a friend, just this past week, go to visit his dad in hospice, hoping for an "I love you, you've been a wonderful son". It didn't happen.
When my mom (who was not by any means a narcissistic) lay dying on hospice and was comfortably medicated with morphine so that she was not anxious, my SIL asked the nurse, "why is mom not responding to us?". The nurse sighed and sad kindly "she's travelling now".
Truer words were never spoken. Mom was no longer with us, but she wasn't yet in Heaven.
If she has been diagnosed as having dementia, all of the words she says are just.... words. They are not about you. They just aren’t.
When she sees you, your image evokes from her damaged brain a reflexive succession of.........words. Not thoughts. Not insults. JUST words.
Her brain doesn’t function as an organizer, filter, expressive tool, because it is now irreparably DAMAGED. Whoever she was in your childhood is no longer here, talking to you.
You are doing for her what a loving, supportive, objective thinking person does to provide SAFE, ongoing care by professionally trained caregivers.
Your job is not to be a target. In EVERY DEALING GOING FORWARD, consider that you are honoring her with good care, AND honoring YOURSELF by ACCEPTING the fact that you are choosing to do what she needs and choosing NOT to allow her behavior to cause you discomfort.
Be good to yourself. You deserve good care too!
The limitations of my own partner's Mom were so severe that he was only relieved when she died. His Sundays were now free from the always miserable phone call, which was all they had left after a lifetime of a relationship that was a torment. He never looked back. It was what it was, not what he would have chosen.
I am so sorry, but I am also relieved to see that you are as sensible and giving a human being as you are, after all that. She will soon come to peace. And peace is all I can wish you. I hope you don't put either of your through this again. They will medicate her as needed hopefully, and perhaps hospice should now be considered. I am so sorry for all you went through in your life, and for what you must go through now. And for your Mom as well, for her life gave her only suffering without peace. It is where this inevitably leads.
Always consider yourself in this arrangement. Don't guilt yourself. Do what you can do emotionally and physically.
I guess you are going to need to go back to the way you were handling things. Narcissists don't change. From what I have read, they can't do therapy because they don't think anything is wrong.
I am not surprised she laid into you when you went to see her as you have probably always been a target for her. And of course you did that out of a sense of obligation and concern and then when we are talked ugly to, we recoil. The very last words my dad said to me before he was on hospice was "I almost hate you". I was so sad he felt he needed to say that, but I knew it was his unhappiness at his situation. He was isolated because of Covid and I hadn't seen him for 3 months. He was in hospice two weeks later. When they thought he was Imminent but he was still aware they told me I could visit, however, I would not see him as I was afraid of hearing ugly things, so I waited until he was in a coma to see him 48 hours before he died. You have to protect yourself and that is perfectly OK.
Let the phone ring without an answer.
It took me YEARS to realize that’s what’s coming out of their mouths - abusive, yes, but only words. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, dont get me wrong. But they are words. And you yourself have words. Like, “goodbye,” “Call you later,” and ultimately, “Have the staff call me if there’s an emergency.”
It’s tough, I know, believe me. My mother gets combative and she is of sound mind 100%. A few, “Hey I’m not going to tolerate thats” and she stopped, for good.
Good luck.
If caring for her "from a distance" is the healthiest way for you to manage her and your feelings then that is the way you have to do it.
You do not have to make excuses for how you feel and please do not let the Guilt word enter into your mind about how you cope.
As long as you are doing the best that you can that is all anyone can ask or expect.
JoAnn29 had not posted her reply when I answered but I had to edit my reply when I read her comment....I agree that Hospice should be trying to manage the aggression. You should talk to them about that. (Or is it possible that she only acts out when you are there? If she has done this always with you it might be the way she "gets to you" and it is ingrained in her to act that way with you) In any case discuss with Hospice medication to help with anxiety or aggression.