My mother was abusive and neglectful. In her adult life she was manipulative and cruel. I’m an only child. I distanced myself from her for years. After several hospitalizations I stepped in and placed her in an ALF. She has dementia and multiple health issues. Long story short she has been placed on hospice. I haven’t seen her in months due to Covid. I recently got a call that she had another fall and a sharp decline. They agreed that I could visit. She recognized me right away and then launched into a litany of complaints and demands. I went back to feeling like a helpless 10 year old!!! She has always lied and made things up, and that hasn’t stopped. She mixes up her words and has very poor judgement, and seems to have hallucinations. But she also seems to know she can try and manipulate the situation. She is making outrageous accusations of the staff and saying her food is poisoned. She is cursing at me and telling me I am not defending her and she wants to leave the facility. And so on. Since my visit she is calling me and continuing with abusive behavior that is very familiar to me. I have set strong boundaries and consider myself just the manager of her business affairs. I have already spoken with an elder care attorney to insure I am managing everything to the best of my ability. I communicate with the staff to insure they understand her anxiety and depression. They have reported she is becoming a little combative. Given her dementia and reports of hallucinations, is it wrong to still be concrete, firm and direct with my responses? I haven’t returned for a visit. I am still upset.
I guess you are going to need to go back to the way you were handling things. Narcissists don't change. From what I have read, they can't do therapy because they don't think anything is wrong.
Do what you can live with. There is no right or wrong in these situations. You have to protect your heart from her abusive behavior in any way that works for you.
You have been a great advocate and daughter, she doesn't need to see or acknowledge that to make it truth.
Great big warm hug for all you have done and will do!