My dad is an addict. My whole life mess after mess. 4 years ago I moved away and it was great! Now he is old and had many hospital stays. I moved him here with a plan to get him in assisted living. He refuses and wants to buy a condo. I am trying to make good decisions but I am tired. Him living alone is a death sentence. But he refuses to go to assisted living? What do I do?
"He wants to buy a condo and force you to be his caregiver?"
You hit the nail on the head. A farce of *independent living* in his condo, with Onlychild at beck & call. Yikes.
Suppose his purpose in your life right now isn’t so you can fix dad. Maybe he’s in your life to help you learn that some things are beyond your control and to let go of burdens that aren’t yours to solve. If so, maybe for the first time, he’s a father doing right for his child. Accept the gift.
If he gets in too deep, call 2-1-1 and let the professionals do what they’re trained to do,
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Help him move if you want (I'd help him hire a truck) & set him up an appointment with his local Area of Aging.
Win/Win/Win
1. He has his freedom.
2. You have him out of your home.
3. The most important bit: you are not a *Buffer* between his choice's & life's consequences.
If he succeeds Yay! If it proves to be less than yay, he can redirected to solve his own problems & speak to his case manager (if he doesn't have one, he can get one).
"Oh right Dad. That's tough. What are you going to do about that?"
You can be his daughter in the way you choose.
It is not reasonable for you pick up any responsibilities because he decides to put them down.
His life - his way, can be his motto.
Find a professional (social worker etc) who can tell you the options. THEN decide what you do. Just accept that it will be ‘least worst’, not a nice easy solution.
If possible, get him to a doctor for a full physical and medical workup and see if he is deemed competent. If he is found to be competent, he has the legal right to make his own decisions and buy the condo. You can suggest that he might wish to set up important paper work in case he is hospitalized in the future (DPoA, Medical Proxy, Will etc) but he is on his own and you can may make suggestions but you can't plan for him.
Good luck and peace on this journey and remember to care for yourself.
Has he become a patient of your Doctor? If so, ask that question. If not, get an appointment & ask.
It makes a big difference going forward.
If your father has financial resources, use HIS FUNDS to contact a family practice/geriatric legal specialist to discuss the complexities of his situation and clarify your rights.
If you cannot manage his care and he will not cooperate with your efforts you will need to make decisions based on your responsibility to yourself.
Your father does not deserve your consideration based on his age. Determine the steps you need to take in order to evict him from your home and get him public assistance.
You are worth taking good care of yourself!
Call Council on Aging in your area Contact a social worker and explain your situation. See what recommendations they have.
Would you be willing to evict your dad?