After a few months of moving Mom into assisted living, I'm having severe anxiety or panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks. I can't sleep. Or maybe don't want to since the nightmares are so disturbing. I am not able to even take care of myselfseriously. I hate being out in public. I am seeking counseling. But so far it's like the therapist doesn't take me seriously.
About 30 years ago, I started crying and couldn't stop. Fortunately, my subconscious mind had been taking care of me and I had brought a pamphlet home from work on our "CARE" program. Five free visits no one has to know. I called and they got me into one that day. She wasn't a good fit, my second helped me for about 3 years, then I was at a place where I needed to move on. A third helped me through my divorce, etc. I have recently tried a 4th who wasn't a good fit. I think he was having problems of his own.
I was lucky because I was able, among other things, to work through problems with my mother before she died. So, when she went, it was in peace for me. It helped me understand her better. She was mentally abusive, and like almost everyone else here my sibling was no help during both parents decline and death. He had issues with our family situation too.
I hope you can find someone to talk to and this forum is a wonderful place to find help.
I didn't think my life was terribly stressful--but as I entered therapy (found the best counselor after 18 years of trying!!) and many years on medication....I made a breakthrough last year and discovered the root cause of my anxiety. Unspeakable abuse, as a child and going on into my adult years. My eldest brother. Once I was able to say the words, speak the truth aout what had happened, my psych dr was ecstatic. "NOW we can treat you!!" 20 years. I REALLY have PTSD. KNOWING what was "wrong" and working at claiming the truth and dealing with it have been so hard, but I am stronger and better. I am almost 61. My abuser is dead. I have forgive him, someday, but not today.
Life can, and will throw at you things you could not believe--and we are resilient enough to handle it, somehow. I am a great believer in GOOD talk therapy. And meds, if necessary. And self care. And forgiveness, of ourselves and others. I'm just beginning to "let go" of a lot of "stuff" I felt was super important, and while still serving others and being a wife, mom and grandma (AND pt caregiver to my aging mother) I take care of ME now, for the first time in my life.
Maybe my last 20 years on earth will be the best. I have hope.
I can relate to this post and it has me wondering if those who are attuned to those they care for as more prone to experiencing ptsd and related symptoms. We tread trying to keep our parents in good health and stable in their elder years and it dawned on me that we are straddling a precarious fence that leaves us exposed to these symptoms - - - -that of keeping them well and alive while simultaneously saying goodbye over time (however long).
What a conundrum! We bond with these people through compassion and care - we are able to put ourselves in their position through trying on the clothes of elderly-hood in attending and predicting their needs. How can we not think of losing them when it is ALWAYS there as a faint type background musak? We also have to face the strong sun and are forced to look into reality of life and death and that one day, we will be in their shoes. It's scary sometimes - a lot of times - and we worry about our own health and future and what will be left after caring for our loved ones. Preemptive grief for our parents (or family we care for) as well as mourning what we used to be oblivious to and are forced to acknowledge in caregiving roles. We also mourn ourselves and what we feel we are missing while caring for our parents (and family). We worry about how much time we have left when caregiving is done and what quality it will be!
The fear the fear the fear of the unknown - the HOW it will play out - and the fear of certainty (the knowledge that life ends as a certainty for all of us).
Anyone who has ever endured separation anxiety as a kid knows how painful it can be and far more - that it is not often recognized in adults and essentially is described with a riduculing label of "codependent". Now I get the vibe of co dependency - I do - but it is also legit to know separating is hard no matter the situation and loss is what precipitates fear. Fear is at the core of PTSD and Anxiety & depression. It drives us to act and sometimes it feels it is driving us crazy for co co puffs.
I don't have the answers but I think we are more aware of loaded issues than those who are not as exposed to these things on a daily and deep level.
I read and reread staring at the sun which is available online in PDF form. It is very helpful in learning to live life more richly without all the fear of death.
Best
After my sister passed of cancer at the age of 47, two years ago, my father suffered two strokes and became 100% dependant and demented.
Against my other sister's will, we took care of him at home for one year but then his health deteriorated to the point that we are now arranging to have placed at the local home (which was always her preference) where he will be monotired by professionals (I hope) throughout the 24 hours because at home, that is not possible as my mother is in deep depression and cannot handle so much activity around her.
We cannot feel guilty for the fate of our elderly. They lived their life. We do what CAN for them and when we can't anymore, we have to take other measures. There is no other way. Life is too short and it's becoming even shorter as we can see if we look around us.
I hope you find the peace you need and deserve.
I'm tired, confused, feeling guilty, lonely and fear of the unknown is what really tears me up. I have a therapist and take medication, but my daughter gives me the most relief, she talks me through those periods, prays for me and is my rock. I learned the phrase anticipatory grief just recently, and that is surely what this is, plus my horrible fears related to financial concerns. It seems like I am just walking through life like a zombie, waiting, waiting, waiting. I cannot seem to move forward with anything. I'm sorry this is so long, and believe me I feel your pain and agony. I pray that God will take him to heaven where he belongs. I hope the PTSD issues will not remain too long afterward. They say that theses diseases take many years off of caregiver's lives. I believe it.
I can see this happening to me. My father died in a rehab center, so my mother would be terrified to go to one. Of course she would think she could manage by herself in her own condo.
Thanks to this site, I have all the wording ready if any doctors dared to suggest that my mother rehab in MY home..
It took about three years of terrible malfunctioning until we got my mom--horrifically--into Al.
Once she was there, all was well. Except with me. I often asked my self if I had PTSD. I was a wreck driving to the AL ( I visit every day). I wanted to vomit in the parking lot before I went in.
But time is the great healer (and having my mom on the correct meds!), and after two years, I noticed a big difference. It is all good now. I visit, I leave. Life goes on.
Give it time (and the correct meds!).
Keeping all that in mind, I decided not to go. I decided that the best cure would be the passage of time. Not only that, looking back over the past five or six years, I'm noticing so many positive changes. The shorter viewpoint might seem bleak, but the longer view reveals much improvement in all areas.
It's just like your credit score. They say not to panic if it goes down, even if it jumps down a lot. You have to take the longer view. Look at where you were a year ago, or two, or five. There are minor setbacks, true. Try to see for yourself if something is a blip or a real downward trend. Gather the resources you already have, reach out and find new ones, and find the strength you have within you.
If you are really going down, which does happen (especially financially, since the way the financial system is built it is stacked against those who are already struggling) then know that it does turn around. It turns around so slowly and imperceptibly that often we barely notice it. Then, we climb out of that muck, again, so slowly we hardly notice we are doing it. Look back and you will see just how far you have climbed.
Some about my Mom, some not.
I always knew that losing Mom would be the hardest thing I would ever go through. It's already been almost two years and I still have not gotten over it. My Hubs and I rented a movie this weekend called "Collateral Beauty"
Without giving too much away, it was about this man who lost someone and couldn't even say this person's name or that they died, as if not doing so would make it not true. I almost can relate. I think I numbed myself so much before, during and after my Mom's last two years that I am still numb. I find myself just staring off into space, totally lost in my thoughts of that period. Or sitting somewhere that she and I used to go and getting so lost in the memories that it feels wrong to me when I snap out of it that she isn't right beside me.
Tonight's dream has me dreading going back to sleep.
I have changed for sure. I think every experience we go through in our live's changes us. Some for the better, and some not. I know I have changed and I don't expect to ever be the person I was again.