After a few months of moving Mom into assisted living, I'm having severe anxiety or panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks. I can't sleep. Or maybe don't want to since the nightmares are so disturbing. I am not able to even take care of myselfseriously. I hate being out in public. I am seeking counseling. But so far it's like the therapist doesn't take me seriously.
I'm so glad to know you're seeing a counselor. I finally made the decision to do that myself, and have been working with a counselor for a little while, just the past few weeks, and it is extremely helpful to get perspective. It's the first time someone has said to me, "You've been grieving for your losses all these years." My mother declined before he did ... he was her caregiver when he started to go off the rails. She was, and is, a great mom, but she has suffered terribly with his illness, and I even think she's been neglected a little bit, because she's so "easy" compared to him. Yet when they moved into the ALF, she screamed at all of us and cried inconsolably for days, not recognizing the extreme danger she was in herself. (Statistically speaking, when elderly men with dementia commit suicide, they most often kill their wives first. So she was in just as much danger as he was.)
The sense of dread has not left me, even with them in care. I can't stand going to the home they used to live in, which creates obstacles to what we should be doing to get it ready to be sold, because I just hate and dread going over there. Even though it's empty, there are ghosts everywhere. Sad ghosts of who they used to be when they were still themselves, and angry ghosts of who they became.
At least I can visit them at the ALF without fear, but I still never know what I'm going to face with my dad. He can be extremely suspicious and weird about things, especially if anything unusual happens. When my mom was in the hospital overnight for dehydration, I tried to stay with him to keep him calm, but he got very angry and violent with me because he refused to believe that she was just in the hospital, he thought she had run off on him and he wouldn't believe me for anything. That was probably one of the worst nights of my life, and it was less than a year ago. So yes, ongoing PTSD is a perfect term for what we go through.
Stay strong caregivers! We are here for each other, at least.
Two things he shared with me that have really helped:
1. If I cannot handle the emotions right now, try to set it aside "until later" & do just one thing that helps my physical body. It can be eating a healthier choice of meals *or* going for a walk...whatever. But keeping that as my "out" does double duty- helps me focus on something else & doing something good for me makes me like myself better.
2. He told me when I feel overwhelmed by stress, go through the things that are bothering me and categorize them into 3 groups by asking- is this... A) a problem *or* b) a predicament *or* c) a lost cause. This has been helpful because it gets me into an action mode of thinking...instead of all these thoughts running through my mind haphazardly.
Hope that's helpful to someone else too.
I had to giggle at your use of "my current husband". I've found myself saying that - as if there's a future one waiting somewhere! My hubby's a saint and I love him dearly - I hope we'll always be together...
Okay - not a helpful reply as far as your mom and siblings go - but hopefully it at least got a smile!
As for the perfect therapist, I'll be happy to be an "EAR" for you! I know what you mean - I've had some reallllly bad ones... and some "ok" ones... but none have truly been what I could call "great".. and I also do as you said, feel like I'm under the microscope while I'm there. It's NOT pleasant. My current husband, with NO experience in this area, said to me after my 1st appointment, (all happy faced), "so what did he say?? Was it a good time??" --- yeah honey - great fun... and no, I'm NOT cured yet.
Thanks for the advice.. I also find comfort in nature. I have a trip planned now in April to go visit my son and family (2 grands - yay!) in Florida!! So that gives me something to look forward to. I LOVE the beach!! It's where I feel most peaceful and can be awed by the "smallness" of everything else in comparison.
Sometimes when I'm feeling especially rattled it helps to just stop and look at the trees and watch the squirrels. It helps me to center myself with the world and realize that most of what goes on is out of my hands. It helps me to get rid of feelings of guilt or over-responsibility.
I do hope that therapy helps. I am rather therapy-resistant myself. I end up feeling like I'm trying to entertain the therapist and falling short. :( It would feel good to talk to someone who doesn't see me as complaining -- you know, someone who really cares about what's going on. That would be the perfect therapist.
Sometimes it takes a few sessions for the therapist and client to get in sync. Unless it is dreadful, I'd try more than one session before leaving. But it is absolutely acceptable to leave when it isn't a good fit, and find a better one.
cr0105, I wondered what you felt when you were moving your mother into AL. Was it particularly traumatic for you? Do you feel like something is undone and hanging over your head? Maybe if you write about it, people here will relate to what you're feeling. I have a feeling you are probably not alone.
Even though I fought the thought of taking calming pills and antidepressants, I finally had to give it a try. I take the very lowest dosage possibly, and started out cutting those dosages in half with permission from my primary doctor.
I still get panic attacks driving, and I have to keep telling myself I cannot correct 7 years of driving panic in just a few months, it's going to take awhile.
I still won't go to the movies or dine out someplace that takes a lot of time to have the meal placed in front of me. Again it was 7 years of worrying my cellphone would ring in the middle of the movie or dinner saying either Mom or Dad had fallen, please come to the house.
My parents have since passed, but the panic memory is still there, but getting better :)
Take care of yourself; I've been blessed with some good therapists. If you are not feeling as though you're being taken seriously, please tell the therapist that. The most useful thing in therapy is to say exactly how you are feeling.
If you tell her/him this and they become defensive, you've got a poorly trained therapist. If they want to talk about what is leading to your feeling that way, bingo. Still, don't stay if you're not comfortable.
Therapy is hard work and usually leads to us finding out that there things we need to change about us. That can hurt. And you never get there if you haven't developed a trusting relationship with the other person in the room.
It always amazes me when some one else asks the same question I've been turning over again and again in my own head!
I looked after my mom for almost six years. Thankfully, we didn't live together - things were bad enough as it was - especially the last two years.
My mom passed away the end of August. Mom was nearly 90 and her dementia had progressed to the point she didn't always know who I was, and she had pretty much stopped eating and speaking. It was an excruciating last couple of months. Honestly, it was a relief when mom finally let go - for her suffering and for me - at this point I was so rung out I didn't have any more to give - not to her and not to anyone else in my life.
So - I kinda thought I'd be feeling more like my old self by now - but nothing could be further from the truth.
A life long insomniac, its worse than ever - maybe two - three hours of sleep a night. Constant nightmares. My attention span is zip and I can't focus on anything. My smoking is at an all time high and my threshold for stress - an all time low. It seems if I'm not angry, I'm anxious - but I can't quite ever put my finger on what I'm worrying about or why I'm pissed off.
So, I thought "Post Traumatic Stress"? But then thought "No" and have been telling myself to stop being a drama queen and to get over it!
I haven't considered therapy. My only experience with that was a giant joke of a marriage counselor that soured me on taking that route.
So, I'll be watching for your posts to see how you are getting along and hopefully you can share ideas on what's helping you.
Sorry- I know my reply probably wasn't any help. But I did want you to know that you're not alone - I'm feeling for you, sister!
I'm so sorry to hear how are you feeling. Its not easy. Moving your mom to assisted living was a big change. It takes time to accept this new phase in your mom's life and yours as well.
Please be kind and gentle with yourself. And as Jeanne said if this therapist does not feel right, please don't hesitate to find a new one. There are good ones out there. Maybe consider joining a support group as well. Thinking of you.
Give the therapist a couple more sessions and if you still don't feel you are being taken seriously, find another therapist. Seriously, not every counselor is a good fit for every client. It is not a failure on your part or theirs to need to switch therapists.
I'm so glad you are in counseling. This is a difficult journey. We deserve all the support we can get ... even if we have to pay for it. :-)