I am the youngest daughter and also the paid caregiver for one of my parents. As the paid caregiver I provide care for both elders. eighty one years old. I as well as my husband am very frustrated with my working condition as well as the living condition of the elders. I love my job but the people in the home are making things very difficult. Now that my husband mother and grandmother have passed he tries to help me with my parents.
My husband and I may be too close to the situation. In this home are the two elders my older sister who has been there forever a younger brother moved back home coming up a year ago four nephews all grown except the one that is visiting for summer and a niece.
So please let me know if we are over reacting. If not please let me know of options.
Dad got diagnosed with severe emphysema this year with one third lung capacity and is on twenty four seven oxygen. He also suffers with diabetes, constant swollen ankles, and male problems. Dad is taking too much insulin. We come up with a number that seems to be working and then older sister comes and says no take this much and then he can hardly function. Mom has her share of problems as well including asthma and we think Dementia. But guess what no one else has time to help with all the doctor appointments. Now want me to find a doctor for mom and have her tested for Dementia. I am just finishing up all the other appointments.
Some things are becoming more and more frustrating. For one medications are being given that parents have been taking off of because of stomach problems like BC powers. Or because it bothers prostate like flexeril. They are being given medications that do not belong to them. Given Gabapentin for swollen ankles by sister. I have lost count of the others. My husband takes these and even when I look this up online it is for nerve pain. This is not to count prescription medication that showed up out of the blue. Antibiotic prescribed way back in February suddenly shows up last month.
Same issue mentioned in February 2015 is still taking place now. Dad and I had gotten the roaches to die down. But I swear now they are feeding them because they are back in full force. So dad sprays and mom and sister pitch a fit talking about their asthma. Every room is still full of junk and the hallway is still full of junk and the ice box is still full of junk. Dad and I still try to make progress but then we get to get yelled at and sworn too. I clean the bathtub for them to take baths and what do I have the pleasure to see. Cannot use this plate because it is mine cannot use the washer because it is my washing powder and cannot use the air freshener after they make a funk because the air freshener messes with their asthma.
I leave food so they do not have to wait and it does not get served. At times I think it is thrown out after I leave because the elders cannot find the coffee I left or the food.
No help with the household chores and no help with paying the bills. Dad runs them all up and down the road at every beck and call. At his expense out of what is left after I pay out all the bills. And if he refuses he catches heck and then we get to hear the drama.
I am so tired of the drama my husband thought he would get rest from the drama after his mom passed but hah. Thank God I get to go home but I am afraid dad is going to stoke out or have a heart attack and die from something we do not expect to be of his demise. But as younger brother says if mom pass they will cry but when dad pass no one will cry and they will dance.
Not to mention it is summer time now. The air up front is not working very well so I have to ask my brother to open up the room where he sleeps to let air circulate and this always ends up confrontational.
So last week I called to see if a home health nurse could be sent out to at least monitor parents and their medication. They said mom could not have a paid caregiver and a nurse. But I do not see what the problem would be with someone coming out for dad. I am going to pose this question again tomorrow.
I have tried reporting this med issue with my company so that it does not come back on me but they wanted no parts of making a report let alone hearing about the issue. I have also considered the aging counsel but do not want to lose my job or be on the outs with family because they may kick them all out because of the mess.
Doctor also mentioned things to watch for with dad and his emphysema. Like at this point he cannot stand to catch a cold have the flu or pneumonia. And that if any of this happens including cannot catch his breath to get him to the nearest doctor or emergency room. They all just keep saying oh we did not know as if I need to send them all certified mail.
Believe it or not, mom has started to help. Sister on the other hand is still being an evil troll. We throw out empty drink cans from under the counter, and she replaces those with more or picks them out the dumpster outside. The dining area we had gotten cleaned up. However, she is proceeding to line the wall again with stuff. The only plus is at least this time the stuff is in plastic bins. She has locked down one of the back rooms trying to keep us from touching it at all.
Other than that, I'm ok.
EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED ALL AROUND.
While we were waiting to go back, I told dad once we were finished I wanted to take mom to pick out an outfit for her birthday which was Monday. We were going Monday but she said she did not feel well. He very huffy said he did not have time. I mentioned to him that I had asked him about that as soon as I arrived at doctor office. He finally confesses that he had to hurry back because sister had an appointment with physical therapist. Mom then goes she (sister) told me that it was cancelled because she (sister) did not feel well. Dad goes well she told me to hurry back.
I got on cell and was about to call home until mom goes you should be able to get through because brother is home. I go what? She goes he said if he could not come back he would not be able to go to work because he will not have a place to stay. Then Dad goes I wish I could do more for my children and anyone that wants to come back can come back as long as they start to help me/us more. I did not argue. I did not get sad. I did not cause a commotion. I just walked downstairs until mom was called in for results.
Funny you do not have a place to stay or any money but during the commotion last week you had enough money to pay someone else to stay for a few days.
I was also going to feed them before heading back and have spouse check out his car because he had trouble this week. But no, he did not have time. As soon as he gets home he calls begging hubby to call around for a battery because the car died as soon as he got on porch. Hubby said he told him yes but then hung up and thought about our conversation after getting the news about brother already being back. He says it was the hardest thing he ever had to do because he never want to tell my parent no but he called him back and suggested to him to use his available resources (the people he has allowed to stay and come back).
Well, you all said this would happen. I had a feeling it would as well because the last 8 siblings and grand-adults have a knack of poor mouthing as they say.
Who do all these "grandadults" belong to, any of them to that sister that's calling now? why weren't they being raised by their parents? although, having said that, that's what my parents would say about theirs, although not strictly true, at least not in the sense of since small but, answry, something apparently you don't understand is this is the only way they know - your mother taught them they were entitled to this; they don't understand repay the way you apparently do - how'd you get to be different, from your dad, somewhat I get, but were you the only one who went your dad's way?
Do you go with your parents to the doctor as their daughter or your mom's PCA? in other words, do you get to count it as PCA time? If you didn't go, would you be able to know from your dad what went on? what did he think about finding out her appt. wasn't cancelled and being told it was?
Does your mom's heart doc have anything to say about her weight loss?
20 pop cans under cabinet and yet weight loss - didn't you say your sister's been giving them - him? her? more insulin than they're supposed to get? you know that's more dangerous than their sugar being too high, right?
Do you think your dad will tell sister/daughter that about grandson or do you think he'll let him come? especially if he belongs to the daughter that's there. and then what if he does?
And I truly cannot believe he gave up a bed and bedroom; for all that my dad did somewhat the same thing, that's one thing he didn't do; as a matter of fact, that's when we knew something was really wrong with dad, when he started sleeping on the couch
I hope so, too, now let us know how the doc appt. went today
I do not know if anything is official with APS. I guess if there is a report somewhere I could probably check by Thursday because it will be a week later. Yes if they came back with the same drama and it is in the report, I would let them know. You know how this goes. I have lost my job and place and need a place to crash until I get a job. Got a job and then a month turned into two and then two turned into three, etc. And I can't pay you anything because and I can't help you because... The grand-adults got raised by the grandparents and have lived there since they were very small children. So it is just hard to believe that this is how they choose to repay them.
As the PCA I am not required to take mom to her appointments (it's optional and if the client ask) but I choose to go with them so I can know what is going on with the both of them and to get a break from all the cleaning. Sometime I will do the driving and then other times dad will do the driving and I will meet up with them. Mom forgets a lot. I had just told her the appointment time maybe a couple of hours before dad called. She said sister said the appointment had got cancelled. I told her the heart doctor will not cancel this appointment because it would cost them and then if she missed it would cost her. Then just before bedtime dad called saying honey and sister say the appointment has been cancelled and that sister would not tell him when the cancellation call came. I told him to just get ready in the morning. Called doc office and sure enough the appointment had not been cancelled.
I have not documented weight loss but do document vitals like blood pressure and sugar.
Now if anyone could please tell me the reason for what it looks like over 20 empty pop cans to be underneath a cabinet?
And oh while we were waiting on mom dad told me that now his other grandson (sister at home son) is calling begging for a place for him and his girlfriend to stay. He says my other sister who does not live there called saying he needs to make things right. I told him to tell her to take all of them in with her.
I am trying to talk dad into moving into one of the rooms and off the living room sofa. I told him one of the rooms is large enough that it would be just like having his own apartment. Right now he says no, lol poor thing has gotten use to the sofa.
I hope all of this does not end up being done in vain.
Even if it was the way it was; somewhat went through that with my dad and somewhat wishing I'd done the same thing - he got his grandson to move in with him - something I'm somewhat wondering in your situation; did your mom, at least, get these people to move in or did they do it on their own - anyway, dad did but then when he did he slept, if not necessarily all day, but certainly a lot later than dad was used to and even when he did get up he never sat with him either, which is at least part of why dad wanted him there, not necessarily the main part, which was to just be there, but he certainly thought he would and was wanting that as well and, yes, he was hoping he would go to church with him, which he would never do either or, like yours, do anything with him and he would talk to me about it but....think maybe he'd become like your mom, maybe not quite, mix between the two by that point; he still liked having him there just to be there and trying to remember if this was before or after he wound up in the hospital; he was there for 5 months; we went up there then and when he was telling me - for sure - about how he was going to handle things when he went to his next doctor's appointment the next month- something wondering about with your dad - home health is still supposed to be coming tomorrow? maybe might be a good thing if works out while she's gone to the doctor - are you or sister supposed to be taking her or do you think she's going to still go now? anyway, dad said he was going to tell him he wasn't going to take his meds anymore - just wondering where your dad is with his condition - what's home health supposed to be doing? but thing is dad had gotten mixed up as to who the doctor was that he needed to tell; his actual specialist, since he was doing so good and was so stable, had turned him back over to just his regular doctor, who wasn't the one who'd prescribed the meds so not sure how he would have handled it, but he wasn't going to either one of them at that appointment; it was a totally different doctor but then it ended up not mattering because before it was time for it is when he wound up in the hospital and was sent home with home health to have blood work done with, though, then supposed to have an appointment with his specialist, although we weren't told about it in the discharge instructions but by the home health nurse, which the home health company also sent out a social worker, not necessarily in that role but as a telehealth nurse but still it got things sticky; now it seems like somebody said something about as long as you were your mom's pca with this company you couldn't also be her POA; that was something we ran into; I'd gotten dad's POA when he was in the hospital but the home health company didn't ask for it and grandson told them he had it and they didn't ask for verification so might be something to try to see about because when dad ended up falling, which I thought this is where all this started with your concerns with your parents is they were falling, just not sure if they've been hurt, but dad was, grandson did take him to the doctor, which is how I found out but home health was supposed to have let me know and they didn't and wouldn't talk to me when I called them, took going through a telemetry person that was willing to talk to them and try to find out that did and told me; they just finally told me they don't ask for verification; they just take their word for it but said didn't matter; they'd discharged him by then anyway, especially since he had been to his specialist by then but not till after he'd been back to the ER but I thought we were waiting on test results
we did do some full force home cleaning, since - oh, yea, we did have a housekeeper for dad - she said it needed to be done - or started it; we actually took it over several months, but needed it with home health coming; you may run into that as well. Is that their only eating table? housekeeper did at least take care of dad's kitchen one, so do you think that's why your mom's lost weight? do you have to document that?
are you still her pca?
What gets me about this lonely business is that they slept all day, never set in the room to watch television with her, never goes to church with her, never did anything to engage with her, so what, what is this lonely business.
Dad wants to go full force with the home cleaning. I want to go slow and not do all the work only for all to come back. We did help him and got the dining area cleaned so now you can set down at the dinner table. Mom even helped although sister kept egging her on that she needed to keep this and keep that.
Now I am calling mom to remind her to bring her medications and not to eat or drink anything in the morning because of her heart test. Guess what? As usual I cannot get through. Oh well, not my problem. I will try one last time in the morning.
My first phone call to the law was because my oldest brother, who was called by one of the offenders in the home, called saying what he was coming out to do with the people messing with sister. None of us pointed anyone out as APS worker was talking to all of us. As I mentioned before, it was a family meeting. The APS worker was talking to all and they exploded. The law told us to call if the older son came out. As the APS worker continued talking, the adult grandson went to pointing and yelling at dad. Dad then told him it would be best if he would leave. He then went to charging up the hall like a bull and was blocked by APS worker and sister. That same nephew made another attempt to fight but this time my husband. Talking about he needed to protect his aunt. Once again APS worker and sister blocked him. Although I do not think he really wanted to get through this last time to match up with someone more his equal. I then called the law. So the word is, since I got her son kicked out of his granddads home she was going to call my job.
At this point, I do not care. I have made peace with the fact that I may never be spoken again to by family. Fine, you never called anyway unless you wanted or needed something. And I have made peace with the fact that I may have to job hunt again but I think my long work history is good enough to obtain another job.
Home health did call me today and said they would be out tomorrow to get dad started. Maybe once home health is near the end, I can see if the nurse and his primary can help him qualify for hospice.
So a second good thing has happened.
It is just sad to go through raising ten children and then out of the eight left, we cannot work together.
Mom counselor came out yesterday during all the commotion. I did not get to speak yesterday but made the call to that office this morning. I let the counselor know that I may need a replacement sent although both parents do not want me to leave. They said to let them know what I decide and then they would interview mom. It was also stated that a PCA cannot be POA, representative payee or anything of that nature because it is a rule of Medicaid.
I do not think this applies to dad since I am not his pca but I will hold off for now.
Made it home today, and then mom calls saying sister in law says she is going to call my job. Well only one person knows the name of the company and the phone number.
If/when you have qualms about your action, ask yourself if in several years you'll look back on the situation and wish you had done something before it became worse. You're taking the right steps now - always remember that if when the family challenges you.
Caregiving choices are often gut-wrenching, Hang in there and stand your ground!
I plan to look into POA, representative payee, healthcare proxy, and some other avenues found on this forum. Regardless, I see these things are important now.
APS came out. The only request was a major cleanup. And pow, boom, bam as soon as the worker made the suggestion. Explosive is the word - war! All became aggressive with one becoming especially aggressive. The offenders even called other siblings saying dad was putting them out. That was not the conversation of the APS worker. One of the siblings then called saying what they were going to do once they got there. So I went and told the offenders if they did not stop that person, law would be called. Law ended up being called anyway because the last offender went to trying to fight dad and spouse with APS still there.
In the end, APS stated that Dad, I, and spouse are fighting a losing battle. APS stated both parents are still mentally competent although physically limited and because of this they cannot intervene. As of now, sister is the only one left. At least for tonight.
Told dad we would find him low income housing but he refuses to leave his home.
I urge you to confer with an attorney - preferay one who specializes i elder law - to find out your (and your parents') options.
If you conclude that either or both of your parents is not competent to care for him or herself, you MAY want to petition the court to appoint you as guardian.\]
If you believe that your parents are not competent to handle their financial affairs, you may want to petition the court to appoint you as conservator.
You probably want to etablish a locked box to hold the proper medication and send everyone a letter (not oral; not e-mail) advising them that certain medications jeopardize your parents' health, and no one but someone authorized to do so may give your parents' their medicationl
Create a chart with columns listing the medications, the dose and time to be taken, and the dose and time actually taken.taken. Print out a new chart each day. Keep the charts on a clipboard next to the box. That way, everyone will know you are serious.
If your parents' own the home, who has authority to let non-owners life there, and who has the right to kick them out?
Good luck!
I have spoken with my company counselor about those there not helping with bills. Last year they went a couple of months without gas (in the winter I tell you) because others in home would not help parents come up with the funds. So I contacted the utility assistance company in the area. They were refusing to help because others refused to show their income proof. It took me calling the counselor. She contacted the utility assistance company and they got help.
This month I was able to get the gas company to come out before the gas ran out. I think we have it set now where it will be topped off at a certain percentage. Thank goodness for this because mom refused to ask other for money.
With that being said, I went ahead and contacted APS yesterday morning. Still do not like having to do this but felt it is time to do something. I knew my sister had a doctor appointment in my town. So I was trying to call mom to see if she wanted to come to my house (to get her outing because otherwise she will never leave the sofa) or wanted me to come with her.
But guess what? As usual the freaking phone is off the hook. Whenever my sister has something she wants to do and she does not want anyone in her business (so she says), she will take the telephone off the hook. I do not be necessarily in her business but I be asking her to leave in enough time so that dad does not have to drive so hard and feel rushed. If I am wrong man up above forgive me but this has been happening for a long time as well.
I later found out not only did she have an appointment up here but that once that was finished she had to be back in her home down for an appointment at 3:00. I asked her to feed dad something with all his issues. Not sure if she did. But at any rate after the call I was wondering if I did the right thing.
Later on around 10:30 that night I called to ask how the weather was since we kept getting thunder. Dad answered and then went into his speech. Saying he was hungry and that he had asked sister to give him a bit to eat. He said she went into a rage and that when he got back at her, mom and all the others in the home just doubled teamed him verbally.
So again, I do not know what to do or if I am doing the right thing but I am trying all of the suggestions I can get right now. Also looking into the poa and guardianship thing.
Yes, I think u should ask for a replacement. Don't tell anyone about the change until it is all set up. Explain to ur parents and siblings u can't do it anymore and why. Don't know where ur Mom got the idea that people living in her house shouldn't contribute.
Do any of ur siblings side with u? Your Dad? If ur Dad is in his right mind, take him out for a ride or lunch. See how he really feels about the whole situation. If he feels like u do, go to a lawyer and see what options he has for getting rid of the free loaders. Ur sister being on disability has avenues she can explore for housing and food. Hopefully u have siblings who will back u up. Someone can take the parents out of the house while u all talk to the ones who are taking advantage. Otherwise, u are going to be the bad guy. Not sure what u can do about sister giving meds that aren't perscribed. Talk to ur parents doctor and see if he can suggest something. You may want to tell sister that if ur Dad dies and it is found he was given a med not presribed, she could be charged in his death. All meds that are no longer being used or out of date, get rid of them and not down the toilet. Where u work should know how to do this. Our local police have a drop off box.
Good Luck, I think u getting away from the situation i a good idea. Then plan a strategy.