I am the youngest daughter and also the paid caregiver for one of my parents. As the paid caregiver I provide care for both elders. eighty one years old. I as well as my husband am very frustrated with my working condition as well as the living condition of the elders. I love my job but the people in the home are making things very difficult. Now that my husband mother and grandmother have passed he tries to help me with my parents.
My husband and I may be too close to the situation. In this home are the two elders my older sister who has been there forever a younger brother moved back home coming up a year ago four nephews all grown except the one that is visiting for summer and a niece.
So please let me know if we are over reacting. If not please let me know of options.
Dad got diagnosed with severe emphysema this year with one third lung capacity and is on twenty four seven oxygen. He also suffers with diabetes, constant swollen ankles, and male problems. Dad is taking too much insulin. We come up with a number that seems to be working and then older sister comes and says no take this much and then he can hardly function. Mom has her share of problems as well including asthma and we think Dementia. But guess what no one else has time to help with all the doctor appointments. Now want me to find a doctor for mom and have her tested for Dementia. I am just finishing up all the other appointments.
Some things are becoming more and more frustrating. For one medications are being given that parents have been taking off of because of stomach problems like BC powers. Or because it bothers prostate like flexeril. They are being given medications that do not belong to them. Given Gabapentin for swollen ankles by sister. I have lost count of the others. My husband takes these and even when I look this up online it is for nerve pain. This is not to count prescription medication that showed up out of the blue. Antibiotic prescribed way back in February suddenly shows up last month.
Same issue mentioned in February 2015 is still taking place now. Dad and I had gotten the roaches to die down. But I swear now they are feeding them because they are back in full force. So dad sprays and mom and sister pitch a fit talking about their asthma. Every room is still full of junk and the hallway is still full of junk and the ice box is still full of junk. Dad and I still try to make progress but then we get to get yelled at and sworn too. I clean the bathtub for them to take baths and what do I have the pleasure to see. Cannot use this plate because it is mine cannot use the washer because it is my washing powder and cannot use the air freshener after they make a funk because the air freshener messes with their asthma.
I leave food so they do not have to wait and it does not get served. At times I think it is thrown out after I leave because the elders cannot find the coffee I left or the food.
No help with the household chores and no help with paying the bills. Dad runs them all up and down the road at every beck and call. At his expense out of what is left after I pay out all the bills. And if he refuses he catches heck and then we get to hear the drama.
I am so tired of the drama my husband thought he would get rest from the drama after his mom passed but hah. Thank God I get to go home but I am afraid dad is going to stoke out or have a heart attack and die from something we do not expect to be of his demise. But as younger brother says if mom pass they will cry but when dad pass no one will cry and they will dance.
Not to mention it is summer time now. The air up front is not working very well so I have to ask my brother to open up the room where he sleeps to let air circulate and this always ends up confrontational.
So last week I called to see if a home health nurse could be sent out to at least monitor parents and their medication. They said mom could not have a paid caregiver and a nurse. But I do not see what the problem would be with someone coming out for dad. I am going to pose this question again tomorrow.
I have tried reporting this med issue with my company so that it does not come back on me but they wanted no parts of making a report let alone hearing about the issue. I have also considered the aging counsel but do not want to lose my job or be on the outs with family because they may kick them all out because of the mess.
Doctor also mentioned things to watch for with dad and his emphysema. Like at this point he cannot stand to catch a cold have the flu or pneumonia. And that if any of this happens including cannot catch his breath to get him to the nearest doctor or emergency room. They all just keep saying oh we did not know as if I need to send them all certified mail.
When sister got approved for disability, she contacted the agency and said she was leaving the paid caregiver role. I had to undergo a background check, get finger printed, and they contacted previous work references. They do home visits to see how things are going every couple of months or so.
Yes, my sister was the paid caregiver for three years. How she found out about the program I have no idea. I say because she was more of a social butterfly than myself and just knew people. We are in a rural area, so they do allow family members. Right now I have not asked to be relieved of my position. I have only asked about a nurse to handle medication.
Mom was having a lot of falls back then and they were all over the place with diagnoses. They were thinking she was having seizures and black outs resulting in falls. The last fall before I took over left mom with a limp because of a fracture that was missed. I do not know if sister ever got a diagnosis of dementia.
However, I do think something is there because she will often ask the same things over and over. To not make either of us feel bad I will answer her like things have never been asked. When she had her EDG about two weeks ago, she did not recognize me when she started awakening. She kept asking me who was I and did I know her home town. I can say that she has not reached the point of some readings I have found here.
I do not know why our problems cannot be resolved without intervention but it seems to be headed in that direction. Another example, my family here and my parents attended church yesterday. We had enjoyed the service. We get to my parents home, to do my thing and serve them dinner and would you know it, a roach ran across the floor while I was helping them set there meds for the next week. Dad went into a tailspin. I am so sick of this you know. The lazy you know still back there in bed and it is two o clock. They do not want to do you know. I was cutting grass and the lazy you know not a one would come and do the weed eating for me. If I fall dead outside they would never know.
Than by that time mom goes to going off singing to the top of her voice and yelling saying those that are living there do not have to do a thing because they are so helpless. Saying my family and dad are going to hadeas for asking others to help. The more my husband and I would ask them to quiet down, the louder they got.
Thanks so much you all for the suggestions and listening. I have made an appointment with my mental health counselor and really I do not want to talk about this anymore because it makes me angry and sad that we cannot work together as a family. But then families do not seem to be families anymore.
If you stop working at your parents the agency might very well give you another assignment so you would still have work and then you could visit your parents as a loving daughter and not the hired help. I wish you all the best. This must be awfully hard.
Convince Mom and Dad that they need to move to Assisted or Independent Living. AL sounds more appropriate given their health issues.
Sell the house to pay for it. Investors will even buy houses in bad condition so that they can "flip" them. Don't worry yet about repairs. This will require kicking the freeloaders to the curb.
If necessary, apply for guardianship of your parents. It isn't cheap and it isn't easy, but the reward will be that you will have the power to do the above.
Best wishes and I don't even know how you sleep at night.
But little did I know that I would get fought on everything and being constantly in a war zone. I have been at this for a year and a half now and things are escalating. Not only have I been doing it with my parents but I was also a non-paid caregiver for my mother-in-law (passed away nine months ago) and grand-mother in law (a little over a year ago). Helping hubby.
Before I even read your thoughts about another position, I was thinking perhaps the best thing to do is ask the agency to find another position for you and another caregiver for them. It seems there's just so much friction in the family, and that's interfering with your ability to provide necessary and proper care.
I think it may also be that others in the family resent that you're getting paid while they're not. That actually may be the crux of the issue.
I would discuss this situation with my supervisor and suggest that you're not able to provide the high level of care you want to, and which you know the agency wishes to provide (a little stroking helps), because of the family dynamics, and you think it would be better if someone unrelated assumed your position.
Good luck; this sounds like a very difficult and unpleasant situation, and certainly not much help to anyone in the family.
What I mean about meds showing up out of the blue is this. Before I started bringing the meds home, I would place them in a storage bin. One week all meds are there to setup pill boxes and then the next week a prescription is missing. Then after I pitch a fit, the following week it is back. The pill box for the week is placed in a zip lock where the parent starts the day. I bring home all meds now since they were disappearing.
Last month, dad called me late one evening and asked me did I place a prescription bottle in his zip lock bag and that the pills looked like antibiotics. I told him no and asked him where did they come from. He said he had no idea because they were not there the day before. I asked him to not take any of it and to hold the bottle until I got there the next day. And sure enough it was an antibiotic prescription given Feb. 2015 but had never been taken.
Dad has also been dealing with swollen ankles. The pulmonary doctor thinks it is due to his emphysema and his heart doctor says all things are good there. So of course one night, here goes the phone and I tell dad we will take a look tomorrow and to elevate feet like doctor says when this happens. So the next day sister says I gave him a gabapentin. I told her hubby takes that for nerve pain. I looked up the prescription online and gave her a printout. She argued all of us down and threw the paper on the floor. I have been trying to get them to memorize what the pills look like and the color also because once again sister keeps getting them confused.
I am the paid caregiver aid for my mom. The things I get paid to do are things like you do in nursing home I guess you could say like bathing, hair, dressing, cleaning, community participation, meal prep, etc. This is a state program so I guess you could say the agency gets paid by the state (Medicaid) and then they in turn pay the aids. Since I do all of this stuff for mom, I also try to do the same for dad. The training we have received so far is on how to work around bodily fluids, proper cleaning, etc.
I am having a hard time right now being a daughter and a caregiver with the constant bickering and yelling and all the other stuff I have mentioned. I have talked to mom last week telling her I do not know how much more I could take and that I was considering talking to the company and asking them to send out someone who is totally unrelated so that they can see exactly what goes on there and that there would be no protection. I have a forty-five minute drive to and from and the energy of the home drains me more than the drive.
Family meetings are out. I have talked to all other siblings (seven) and none come to help with anything unless they think money is involved. As a matter of fact, when I got into a frank talk with my sister that lives there about how she talks really bad to parents in the home, one of my other brothers called me at home talking about taking me out. And I am not talking about dinner. Because she is the one who chose to stay home with parents, blah, blah.
Mom says we are kicking people when they are down. And that part of letting people come back home means that they do not have to help keep the home clean, they do not have to pay any bills, they do not have to help keep the peace, they do not have to put gas in the car when he halls them around and that he should be ashamed of himself for asking anything. Dad has a totally different view as well as me and so we constantly get shown hate.
That is just the thing, now that I am paid caregiver all I constantly hear from family is that is your job. But yet when I go to do my job, I am getting fought on and sabotaged. They also get angry if I buy a meal for parents but do not bring enough for everyone in the home. Now granted I bring enough for everyone sometime but I cannot afford to do it all the time.
So that is why I have started looking into the nurse. I wanted someone to come in to help at least with the meds. My company said to contact home health. Home health said they could not just send a nurse for mom because she is already under a company and they would have to do everything.
I also was trying to find a way to get rid of the free loaders. Start helping more or leave but not sure if I can do anything.
I'm also confused on your status as a paid caregiver for one your parents and another elder through an agency. You don't live there, but you come there to provide certain services and the agency pays you? Who pays the agency for your services?
I'm assuming also that you have some training as a caregiver, as a condition precedent to being hired by the agency? I'm also concerned because I sense a certain detachment from being the daughter to being the paid caregiver, somewhat of a bifurcated role and approach.
And if I understand correctly, you care for your father, but not your mother? Does anyone care for her, or is she what you consider part of the resistance problem?
This is a complex situation and I really don't know of anything that would help, but I am concerned about the living situation.
Beyond all the friction and negative family dynamics, there are the issues of erroneous medications being taken and the house is obviously unsafe and unhealthy to live in. Regardless of your concern about the family being "kicked out", from your description I would think the concern would be more about the health ramifications of living in such a situation.
My suggestion would be to notify APS and force a cleanup of the house, for starters. The family also needs to decide who's going to handle the medication and caregiving. And whoever is not needs to accept that. So the family really needs to sort out who's going to be responsible for specific tasks.
I get the impression the family isn't together on anything, and if that can't be overcome, I don't know how this situation is going to work at all.
If you're being paid as a caregiver, and dispensation of medication is included in the contract or whatever retention agreement was signed, the agency would I think have liability if the meds aren't being dispensed properly. Yet I get the impression from your post that the agency doesn't want to get involved. This I can't understand.
Perhaps I'm the one who's confused?