As a caregiver, how do you overcome the feelings of resentment for family members who show no appreciation for your efforts?

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As a caregiver, how do you overcome the feelings of resentment for family members who show no appreciation for your efforts?

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Once in a while it would be nice and provide an uplifting state of personal worth to have a family member comment or say "we appreciate the really great job you are doing taking care of family member X or Y". Family members automatically assume you are totally resilient and need no words of encouragement or appreciation from time to time. As a caregiver how, how do you overcome the feelings of resentment for family members who show no appreciation for your efforts?

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I was a caretaker to a dear friend, while working full-time. It turned out to be a 28 year job until she passed at age 95. Her family simply "had no time" and did not want to be bothered. it was only when she was in her mid 80's I was forced to put her into a nursing home but it was me, via being a POA, who took care of her l00%. Often families simply don't care to have the burden and take advantage of one family member who will do the "dirty work". Sad but true

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I know I commented in this earlier--but since then have had a nice heart to heart with my brother who has mother living with him.
I had some concerns about health issues I saw, and he answered me with straightforward answers, which I truly appreciate. I hadn't KNOWN she was in both renal and liver failure--slowly declining. He's so used to nobody "caring" he forgot that I DO. He can also vent to me, and altho he KNOWS we can move her to an ALF, he is adamant that she will die at home. I disagree with him on this, but do so amicably, since it will fall on him to work out care schedules when she is bedbound.
He also had conferred with the "money brother"...the one who oversees her spending and tiny investments, and shared that info with me.
Oddly, this brother and I are the very least "liked" by mother, but the very most involved. HOW have we overcome anger towards the 4 sibs who did/do nothing. We haven't, really, but we also have just accepted that it is what it is and to let it go. Our family will go on after mother passes, and we don't want anger and bad feelings to be the last thing we feel.
We both try to recognize the strengths and weaknesses each sib brings to the table. Sometimes, they...just can't be caregivers. Not everyone can do it.

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I'm nearly done with mom's two other children - I barely got a text on my birthday and this after years of making sure they got cards and money from mom on theirs
They don't care how she is and they certainly don't care what I've been through for years while working 50-60 hour weeks

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Dear Jajo,

I desperately wanted appreciation from my siblings. But I got nothing. Worse, I got grief. No offer for respite. Its very hard. I had a lot of resentment and anger at my siblings. I guess they figured I had nothing better to do than take care of my parents. It was my job.

I guess I could have told myself to let it go. And make adjustments. But it was all too late. My dad died. And I'm still so angry at my siblings for their indifference. They offered no time, no money and at times it seemed to me no consideration. Time was running out for my dad and there was still no urgency to spend time with him. Always hard to manage emotions. But I would have been better off seeking counseling sooner or joining a caretaker support group to overcome my resentment. I guess everything is always 20/20 in hindsight.

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My siblings want me and the issue of the dirty details and reality to go the h*ll away.

It suits them fine not to be aware - dont care....

I have been the scapegoat in a very sick fam and I am starting to see I must go. I can't stem the tide and though I am caretaker, I am not POA. My siblings are. WTF

Anyways. Thanks for the insight it helps resolve any misgivings I had about leaving.

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I shared the dirty details with my brother who lives 1000 miles away.

The result was not that he had a new appreciation for what I do....no....now he avoids any conversation with me.

I think that people do not want to talk with someone who is likely to start talking about such unpleasantness. Really..would you?

When Mom is doing good...she appreciates me. I am so lucky to have a Mom who is so easy going, friendly, cheerful. So many others get no positive feed back from their elder.

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Wondering what are all the appointments and shopping a man in a 'full care nursing home' has going on, and why hired caregivers to go see him twice a week! Why is he in a nursing home, anyway - does he still have all his faculties? It must be awful to live in such a place if one is still sharp as a razor.

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I keep my distance from them. When I need them to do something I either call them or get my grandma to call them. I just know this: you reap what you sow. so they will remember that when they are old and have no one to help them. i cant stand relatives who try to keep up with what im doing and try to tell me how to care for her when they avoid taking care of their own mom.

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After getting moral courage from this site - I stopped being the family peace facilitator when my sister neglected to tell me that her daughter/my neice/my god-daughter as having a baby in 2 months [now 1 month]

I have now drawn a very strong line in the sand in that from now on when I get info then she gets info - she has had a pretended nervous breakdown mainly I think to avoid giving any help at all - fyi, she only visited mom [91] in Jan & Dec in 2016 while she visited dad [94] in hospital in Mar & Apr - she is 1 1/2 hours away & I'm about 40 minutes - she is a delicate [300lb]flower that we must genuflect to ... not in my life time -

I have tried to be inclusive but she made more & more demands about things that really she has no rights too because I'm P.O.A. for mom & not her - fyi neither of my parents chose that she have any financial power but only as secondary backup for medical & my husband is prior to her in order - that says much doesn't it!

You must get some backbone & stop being the family doormat - I did & I feel quite empowered - so NOW I get semi-regular notifications - I feel by trying to be a peacemaker they saw it as weakness - no more because I stood up for myself however she & her family now regard me as 'trouble' - given how often she visits & her kids are even worse that is no skin off my nose

I actually asked the presumed executor [the bank] of mom's estate what my obligation is about informing her & her family - so if mom gets sick I'll let them know but if she passes in her sleep then I'll think about it for a bit - dad is still mentally competent so I may never get the P.O.A. invoked -

I will probably give her 8 to 10 hours for funeral service if 'Mary' is lucky - she wore out my patience to nil so now it is my way or 'go to hell in a hand basket' [old family saying] - I'll actually send 'Mary' a death notification in the [snail] mail that might arrive 'too late' ... OOOPS -

Even thinking about it is giving my spine steel & if I give her anything more then that is within MY power too - try it you'll like ..... a newly liberated MOECAM

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I know what you're feeling and would appreciate the same. I also know most of my disappointments seem to come from predefined expectations of others. I think part of it is that people just want to avoid bad news and situations and any discussion is a reminder. Most people just don't know or are afraid of saying something wrong especially as time passes but the situation hasn't. I'm just at a point that I need to give myself what others can't. Whatever their reasons does not change the incredible and amazing job you are doing.
@sooboo67....Thank you for your answer and that reminder we all need

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I'm sorry for you--but honestly? Most people are so taken up by their own lives they simply don't see what's going on.
Some people cannot handle ANY "ickiness"--and a LOT of elder care is just plain "icky".
Some just want to take mom/dad to lunch for an hour once a year and call it good.
I do NOT have a great relationship with my mother, but my brother SPECIFICALLY added on to his house (1.5 miles from mine) with the idea that I would step in as a PT caregiver. And I did, and I do. I don't love it. Mother gets angry at me, she ALWAYS says, when I walk in "Oh, it's you, I was hoping it was "T" (my sis)". (BTW, it's NEVER "T")
You get used to it, and you get angry and then at some point you just let it go.
One good thing that has come of all these years---my own girls will not treat me this way. Son would happily plop me in a really posh ALF and pay for it, but he wouldn't come see me.
Everyone is wired differently. Some can caregive, some just....can't. No excuse, just the truth. (Also, to care for an elderly person is to accept that you, yourself are going to be that way someday. Sometimes it's just too awful for people to think about.)

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I, unfortunately, lived this situation. My brother lived 2 buildings up from Mom & he never offered to take out her tradh, pick up groceries and certainly not take any of his time to visit her. He was so condescending that I quit speaking to him. Well, I'm sure you've guessed it, he died 18 months before she did. I am dealing with the guilt, along with righteous indignation. I have no answer, but I can tell you that once they're gone, it's too late.

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My sister has had a 'nervous breakdown' to avoid helping but you can be sure her hand will be out when the will is probated - draw lines in the sand IF you want them involved - sometimes best on your own - keep records & charge estate for some of your time/expenses - good luck

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It would be a good idea to gather some support before approaching the problem individuals. When approaching them this really needs to be addressed and resolved. If they are not willing to resolve it then common sense says to leave toxic relationships behind and just move on

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MariaP986 & Sunnygirl1 and anyone else I left out. Thank you for showing love and kindness to someone who cannot do for themselves, it speaks of the person you are within which is way above what many are on the surface.

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Other caregivers and friends are an excellent source of support. They are outside of the situation and can see truly what you are going through. My siblings only were thinking of what I was "getting" out of the situation(cable, heat etc). They had no clue about the heart-wrenching decisions that I had to make on a regular basis. Or the abuse from my dad. Or the feelings of hoplessNess, depression and lonliness. But I have peace and joy in the fact that I was a loving caring human being that did the right thing and gave up my life for another.

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God bless you for what you do Riley2166. You have a great big heart.

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I am right with you jajocaregiver08. I don't need praise, but it would be nice if the family were grateful that I am giving up everything so they can have there homes to themselves, a quiet dinner with their spouse on there anniversary, the freedom to go on vacation, etc. These are things I had to give up to be the sole caregiver. I have one sibling who hides from anything hard so I get to carry it all. I wrestle some days with being so angry and hurt. I truly understand how you feel. I remind myself that I'm doing it for mom, no one else. Not to make my brothers emotional discomfort easier (The Lord knows I have emotional discomfort on a daily basis), not to keep his life free so he can come and go as he pleases, but because mom gave it all up for me. That's why I serve her. It helps me cope, it helps me know that when the end comes I will not have the load of regrets that he has. I feel for him in that way. Do I wish I had help? Oh, yes. Do I wish he would at least call to ask me how everything is going instead of calling an unloading on mom who has dementia and can hardly remember? You bet I do. Would it be nice to get a phone call asking if there is anything he could do to ease the load on my family seeing how I have a chronically ill, grown daughter living at home too? This is a very sensitive topic with me because there is no excuse for any of it. Soooooo, on a regular day-to-day basis I have to forgive him. I have to realize that my life, my day, is not about me, but it's about my trust in God who knows where I am and what I am facing at all times and because of His Sons great love for us displayed at Calvary, I can love even through hurt, tears and sorrow. I can love and serve my momma because God first loved her and she taught me that Jesus loves me, and now I can love her. \0/ His grace is sufficient to carry me through.....even if every bit of it is unappreciated. God knows and He sees you. AMEN.

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I know everyone on this forum knows exactly how you are feeling. It's so very common in families, it's frightening. Getting any of my siblings to step up for a few hours, let alone a week, just doesn't happen. I had to pay for help to come in and stay with mom so I could go out of state to my younger daughter's wedding. Really?!
So, I decided to change my attitude. That has been my life preserver. I think all care givers have to learn to change their attitude. That is the key to staying strong and positive during the care giver journey and well after.
I don't know if you have ever read Viktor E. Frankl's book: Man's Search for Meaning. It's a great book on his life in Nazi death camps between 1942 and 1945 and the lessons for spiritual survival. He states there is only one thing that no man can take away from another, and that is "attitude". He proved you can survive the worst of the worst by adjusting his attitude.
I, personally, have found that to be so very true. It's not an easy task, but with time and practice, it is very doable. Good Luck. Take care of yourself.

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Many years ago I had an elderly friend. When she became very ill and needed care, somehow it ended up being my job. Actually I looked after her for 28 years (while working full time). Not a soul in her family was willing to lift a hand to help her. I cared about her and did everything. In the beginning it was a pure nightmare as I discovered people (non-family) had scammed her and stole from her and did horrible things. But in the process, I discovered I loved learning about all the things that can happen to seniors and how to handle the issues and make things right - what I learned was worth a million dollars plus. My life was actually threatened, among other things, but in the end I was able to get her money back for her and eventually put her into a wonderful, safe nursing home where she remained until she passed at age 98. I was proud to have had the opportunity to do this for this lady and I saw to it that she lived a good life. Since then I have served in the same capacity for 12 years to two other people and love doing what I do. People who want to do this are far and few between but when you are lucky to find one who does want to help because they care, you have been blessed. I hope I will find someone to do this for me as I have no family and most of my friends are gone. Remember, "what goes around, comes around."

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When a married couple who were long-time friends made me their POA for their health care and finances, I started this without any expectations of appreciation from family. They had no children or close relatives. it was based on our friendship and that was what mattered. I had never been in this role before, so everything was new to me. I was thankful for the guidance I received along the way and when I got them into a memory care apartment about a year after being made their POA, I took pictures of them to send to their far-away relatives to inform them of the move, the new address, the new phone number and what their apartment looked like. I was surprised at how thankful the responses were. I didn't seek that, or expect it. Their appreciation was not why I was doing this. The wife has since passed due to her frontal temporal dementia and the husband, age 90, is in good physical health except for his memory. I send periodic updates to his brother in Japan and nephew in New York to keep them clued in, but not to seek their thanks, though they give it to me. Perhaps an occasional note or letter, photo, etc. to your family updating them on how things are going would elicit a better response than nothing. I hold myself answerable to God in how well I play this role and pray for guidance so I can do this in the best way. So far, the guidance has always come when I needed it. I expect no help from their family in doing this--that would be impossible. But I keep them in mind as I go through my friends' condo and find family photos, etc. that I will send to them as I finish up getting it ready to sell. They acknowledge how lucky my friend is to have someone like me doing this, but we have been friends for a long time, so it seems like the natural thing to do. Just new and harder than I ever understood before. With my friend in a memory care apartment getting good care every day, documented in writing, I don't have the daily worries or duties related to that, so that part of my "job" is easier than providing the hands-on care required. What you are doing is far more draining and I don't know if I could do it, too. Remember for whom you are doing this and are answerable to--your mom, yourself, and God. That's what counts. At a later time your family members will be held accountable for their actions and inactions. it is a hard path you are on and I wish you had more help. I wish for you good health, strength, and a clear conscience.

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I agree with pamstegma. Have them fill your shoes for a day or two. Tell them you need a break. Sometime people have to understand what someone is going through before they appreciate them.

Also, from my experience. Family members usually are all too willing to let someone else carry the burden of caregiving. Maybe its time for everyone to help out; it is not fair for you to shoulder all the responsibilities. This should be a family responsibility.

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From a slightly different perspective: My husband's father was not a good father to him, always favoring his older brother, etc. Now, Dad is incapacitated and on Hospice. Mom cares for him at home, which will probably kill her, but she refuses help until she is physically incapable of doing anything. Brother lives next door and helps daily. Dad will not be put in a NH unless Mom dies first. My husband has done his share of Dad's care for years, as much as his brother.
We generally spend the winter in FL, and have cut that time in half this year because Dad is no longer able to travel. So, brother is doing whatever Mom can't do all alone, even though they have other family members and friends who have offered to help; and they can well afford to have in-home care.
My husband is grateful that his brother helps care for Dad, a bit resentful that Mom will probably kill herself doing it, and unsure of his decision to step away for 3 months while they have their way. He would prefer that Dad be in a nursing home, but the other care providers will not have it.
So, if they are making that choice, how much gratitude does my husband owe them?
He talks to them daily and expresses encouragement, etc., but he still feels guilt about not being there.

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My dad is been living in a full care nursing home and has been for the last 3 years. I have always been there for him. Whether it is to take him to appointments, hair cuts, shopping or just out for drives. I am his Power of Attorney. I also have a sister who lives a couple of minutes away from him and a brother that's also close by. They only come in to see him once a month if that and that's just to check up on things. They have never taken dad out for walks or anything for that matter. Having to do it all is very exhausting, especially because I work full time. I have hired a couple of caregivers to come to see dad twice a week. It's a little expensive but so worth it! This takes the pressure off me and they can take him to appointments, etc. I'm sure if they knew that this was coming out of their inheritance they might step up.

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My brother tried to shelter me from knowing just how bad it was. Once I knew what he was dealing with, I became his emotional supporter. So if you haven't already, share some of the "dirty details." They can't know what you're going through, if you don't tell them.

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I don't care if I ever receive a thank you from family. I don't need validation for any of those do-nothings. I view myself as an only child and my brothers are irrelevant to me. But what is slowly killing me is the lack of appreciation from my mother.

She has re-written history in her mind and now remembers my brother as a caregiver instead of the leach that he is. She seems to thing that when he was living with her, he took care of her. That is not the case at all. She actually took care of him - physically at first when he came to her with pneumonia and financially for years afterward. She was in much better shape then and was mostly independent.

I would love to hear a thank you from her as I am wiping her butt or changing her soiled sheets or feeding her. That is who I would like some appreciation from. I am the one in the trenches and I still feel like I am a disappointment to her.

(formerly Mom2Mom)

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I'm so sorry that your family is so unappreciative but even with families who get along well it's common for the non-caregiving siblings to not have a clue about what the caregiving sibling is dealing with. Your sacrifices, your stresses, your concerns, your time, your own health - all of these things are not evident.

Sometimes it's because they don't want to see, but other times it's the very human situation that when we haven't experienced something it's hard to really know what someone else is going through. You can try to explain your feelings, but try to let the resentment go by just accepting that this is the case in many, if not most, families. Other caregivers are your best support because the know what it's like.
Blessings,
Carol

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This is very common. Expect little or no gratitude from relatives. Before you decide to take on the task of caretaker, be sure either you or a non-relative trusted professional is the POA and Health Advocate. Your job could become a real nightmare if a relative is in control and NOT the caretaker.

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Others who ask this have had great success by allowing a relative to take over completely for one full week, living with the elder. What an eye opener that turns out to be!!!

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Being a caregiver is often a lonely and thankless job, there's no doubt about that. And for every one or two little tasks our families see us doing for our loved one there are a hundred other things they don't see.

I think resentment comes from an unfulfilled expectation. You expect your family to appreciate everything you do and when they don't the resentment sets in. To solve this try to temper your expectations if you can. It'll take work and practice and it will be a process but if expectations can be readjusted that might help the resentment.

Also, you know you're doing a good job for your loved one. You know everything that goes into caring for another person. Pat yourself on the back once in a while. Know that your loved one is in loving and capable hands with you as their caregiver. At the end of each day take a few minutes to stop and think of everything you did for your loved one that day and realize that it's not so important that someone recognized what you did but that your loved one is safe, clean, well fed, comfortable, and content because of you.

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As a caregiver, how do you overcome the feelings of resentment for family members who show no appreciation for your efforts?

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