Has anyone had a good experience with paid caregivers? We are working with an agency right now that has sent a few good caregivers, several who sit around, and two people who verbally abused Mom. The problem is, my mother, who is lucid with no dementia, has always been a harsh and critical person, and orders the aides around in demeaning way. Worse, she's got a real clutter problem, so the better aides, between the clutter and being treated badly, report back to the agency. The agency then sends their worst aides--one threatened to force-feed Mom when she refused to eat the dinner that the aide had burned, another "accidentally" keeps hitting her with a broom. If we complain to the agency, their attitude is take it or leave it. Mom's behavior and the mess mean that none of their good staffers want the job.
At this point, we are looking for another agency. But Mom is unlikely to change. I am hiring, for the fifth time, a home organizer. I'm being bullied on both sides: I pay hundreds a week to the agency, only to have the dispatcher yell at me until I tell her that I'll take my business elsewhere.
Has anyone had experience getting good aides when it's not an ideal caregiving situation? The woman at the agency really crossed a line getting aggressive with me, when I am their paying customer, paying my life savings for aides who just sit around, at best.
For my own Mom, I called a nationwide Agency which was quite professional. They sent over excellent caregivers but my Mom [97] felt she didn't need anyone looking after her as my Dad [94] could catch Mom if she fell. Don't think so, Mom. The caregivers lasted only 3 days, even the Agency's best caregiver who could deal with anyone, my Mom shooed out the door. Mom was down right mean, spiteful, and some times racist to the caregivers.
After my Mom had a major trauma fall and was placed in long-term-care, my Dad called that same Agency to help him. He had zero problem because he was a sweet gentle soul.
What was interesting, the caregiver my Mom snipped, snarled at, and shooed out of the house, came to take care of my Dad. At noon time she would drive Dad to visit with Mom at long-term-care, and the caregiver made sure it was noon time so that she could help feed my Mom. Talk about karma.
Does your mother live with you in your home? Until recently my mother lived with me in my home. I had a caregiver through Council on Aging for awhile. They hired people through a local agency. Some were not so great and others were fantastic.
It is frustrating when needs aren’t met and when someone is disrespectful. Respect must go both ways. They deserve respect as well. You have a right to complain if the job is not done to your satisfaction or if they do not have the proper attitude. They have a right to implement their policies.
It sounds like you have tried to address the situation with your mom and it fell on deaf ears. I’m sorry. That is difficult for you.
When I had an issue I politely told the agency that I was not pleased with the service given. If it continued I asked for another caregiver to be sent out. Some are unreliable and simply don’t show up without even calling or giving the agency a good reason such as an emergency situation.
The agency told me that employees are told from the beginning not to take rejection personally if they are not a good fit for that client.
Caregivers are for the clients and their needs. They shouldn’t be playing on the phone, watching television or whatever if the client has needs to be met.
Having said that, caregivers are not mind readers and perhaps don’t wish to overstep in their duties. This is where making a list is helpful. It should be a list pertaining to the client only. Some people don’t like their things touched. Others would like assistance with dusting off objects. They do provide light cleaning. Light cleaning means just that. They are not maids. There are limitations. They are not housekeepers for the ‘entire house’ if the client lives with an adult child.
I was surprised once when the question of caregiving responsibilities was asked on this forum as to what caregivers should do in their spare time and saw answers like, ‘cleaning out the fridge.’ I would have never asked a caregiver to do that. How is that part of caring for the client? Hire a maid to do jobs not related to the caregiver. If a caregiver offers to do anything extra they are being generous and I would express deep gratitude to them. I spilled something on my kitchen floor once and a dear caregiver offered to mop the floor for me. I politely declined and did it myself but thought of how dear she was and told her so. Some caregivers have beautiful hearts.
A caregiver hired by an agency can assist in bathing a patient and keeping their room in order if they live with family. If they don’t live with family, then ask the agency if they will assist with other tasks that are needed. If they live alone they may do additional tasks for them.
Consider the personality of the client. Some people want a companion, someone to chat with or play a card game, crafts, whatever. Others do not want a companion. Explain this to the caregiver.
Some people are naturally self motivated. They see that the client’s trash in their room can needs to be emptied and automatically do it. Other people do better with a list. So ask the agency for a self motivated person, if not make a specific list.
A list can be helpful for the client and caregiver and may cut down on the criticism from the client. The caregiver can politely respond by saying that chores are being checked off the list as they are completed.
I hope this info helps in some way. I wish you well and hope that in the future you will be blessed with a good relationship with your caregiver.
Obviously you care or you wouldn’t be reaching out to a forum. Take care.
I'm also going to look into hiring a cleaning service. It's easy to understand that seeing what needs to be done might be out of scope for aides.
I really love my camera setups because if I have to go shopping I can see mom on my smartphone...actually the entire house inside and out. It was well worth the investment. I had the same cameras for years. PS: Get your cameras installed PROFESSIONALLY--hire someone to wire it up. Do NOT get wireless. Wireless goes into sleep modes so it can miss things while "waking up" from movement. Wired cameras never go to sleep and any movement is instantly recorded. If you do get wireless, they do have the advantage of CLOUD storage, which hard wired ones generally don't. The advantage of cloud storage is that even if the unit is stolen or destroyed, you still have the videos on the cloud. Consequently I have both hard wired AND wireless in my house. If you go wireless, get the kind that PLUGS into the wall. Battery operated cameras will go flat in no time due to infrared recording at night.
Regardless installed cameras are no substitute for care. They are merely helping aides. They monitor. There are times you will have to leave the house for short periods of time such as grocery shopping and errands so these cameras are absolutely God sent. And they will monitor the activities of hired help. You can review their activities during the entire shift and see what they have done.
All agencies encounter difficult clients and often those clients are reported to the agency by a caregiver which usually results in that caregiver not going back. Then the problems becomes who does the agency send to that client and trying to work with the family to resolve the issues.
This is how it goes if you're dealing with a reputable agency. There are a lot of agencies that are non-reputable. If you're not satisfied with the agency you're with can you try another agency?
Many caregivers sit around not so much because they're lazy (although I'm sure there are caregivers that are) but because they don't know what to do. That's why I mentioned someone who is a self-starter. A caregiver may be expecting the client to let her know what her duties are and oftentimes a client doesn't know what to ask of the caregiver. This isn't so in every case but it happens frequently. There are also clients who would like the caregiver to be doing something every minute she's there. When I worked in hospice I had a client who collected flashlights and he asked me to test all the batteries and replace the dead ones with new ones. He also asked me one time to organize his hundreds of zip ties. I didn't complain, I was glad to fill the time. But about 30 minutes before my shift would end this client would come up with some time-consuming task that would run me over the end of my shift and I resented it after a while until I realized that my client was lonely and staying past my time didn't bother me as much then.
There are all kinds of caregivers and all kinds of clients and if you don't like one caregiver ask for another one. A reputable agency will try to work with you but will inform a new caregiver if the client is difficult. Not enough to scare the caregiver away but enough to let the caregiver know she may have to adjust her work to accommodate a difficult client.
You should be getting better service from your agency. Try Googling agencies in your area and paying attention to their ratings and reviews.
Of course, it is not humanly possible not to like some people more than others. Some little old ladies are sweethearts, some elderly gentlemen are true gentlemen, and others are... more challenging, shall we say. But whether you get smiles, thanks and co-operation or not, you are there to support and assist and that is all.
If a client is abusive or obstructive to the point where you really cannot do your job or your personal safety is at risk, then your employer should not send you to that workplace (or not alone, at least) and some other solution will have to be found. But rudeness, harshness, criticism, complaints are all attributable to the personal difficulties your client is facing, and it should be possible to let them wash over you and focus on the task in hand.
Which leaves you, HopefulID, with the question: how good were the aides who refused to go back? And did they actually refuse, or was the agency showing some sort of partiality in selecting aides for the role?
We recently had a post about unreliable caregivers that may also give you some good ideas: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-cope-with-unreliable-caregivers-452245.htm?orderby=oldest
One of the big challenges of decluttering is what to do with the stuff, particularly if the clutteree is around when you're trying to do it. When I engaged care givers from an agency while working on getting my father into an MC, I asked if the care givers would be willing to "pack" the visible clutter in my father's room as time allowed and they agreed. Dad's room was not dirty, but he did have over 100 medicine bottles sitting on the dresser, books and trade papers stacked on tables and the floor by the desk and dresser, etc. I purchased clear storage totes and asked them to label them with the content but to not throw anything away unless Dad agreed it was trash. The storage totes were stacked in a corner of the room where Dad could see them; because they were clear Dad could see the contents were still there.
I just find that for myself the older I get the less materialistic I am. I don’t want a bunch of stuff to have to dust. I would have never taken away mom’s things. They were sentimental. I appreciate experiences more than things. I do understand that items can be a symbol or memory of something though.
I find cultural differences fascinating. Look at the Egyptian way of life. They took it all with them. Oh and then there were the grave robbers. Crazy, huh?
When you do stand up to the nurses or staff, they'll first escalate. But the next crew will treat you like a human.
If/when you find good ones, praise up the wazoo to ensure they stick around! If you warn them up front that mom tends to be pushy, demanding, harsh, critical or whatever and that they should just smile and agree and continue what they were doing, hopefully you can find some who have a bit thicker skin. WE have to deal with it too, more often than they do, and generally WE are not getting paid!
It is a little confusing that your profile says you are caring for your mom in your home, but it sounds like you are hiring people for her own place? If in your home, certainly the care should be restricted to what mom needs and follow the agency or private care-giver rules. Having a to-do list which falls in line with the rules would be useful, so the aides KNOW what is expected. It it too easy to say some kind of cleaning or what have you didn't need to be done. Do it and check it off (if not really dirty, should be a snap!)
De-cluttering if possible would be helpful, for everyone. Since she isn't cognitively impaired, that could be touchy. Reorganizing, perhaps with her input, might help. Clear totes was a good idea. With mom, out of sight was generally out of mind, so when I needed to get all paperwork out of her place (she was digging out old stuff and thinking it was new!), I had YB take her out and "swept" the place of any/all paperwork. I had already taken over bills, etc, so any papers were just old news! Some needed to be kept, some tossed.
Our care-giver journey didn't last long due to mom refusing to let them in, so I can't help much there other than to say some are self-starters and industrious, others not so much. Other than that, I also question why you need to spend YOUR life savings to hire people to help mom? If she is low income, she might qualify for assistance (Medicaid, VA if dad was a veteran, etc.) You don't know what your own future might bring, so you really shouldn't tap into your own savings. Consult with EC attorneys and ask questions. Generally most will give a free half hour or so to ask questions. If she can afford the cost, hire one to explore her options (Her funds should be paying for this, not yours. If she doesn't have enough assets, there are some that will work on sliding scale or pro-bono - keep looking, they are out there.)
(I also agree that having some cameras can be very helpful to monitor things. It will help determine if someone is doing what they are paid for, and if mom is overly abusive.)
See All Answers