Over the past year and a half my mother's health has been deteriorating. Currently she has gangrene left untreated in one hand, and refused further cancer treatment for the nodules in her chest. Both require a hospital stay but she has refused to go each time. She has gotten to the point that she can barely get out of bed, and refuses to let me try to clean her room, her sheets, herself or any hygienic care needed to the point she now has bed sores. I have been getting her food she requests (Usually from restaurants or fast food, she hasn't eaten anything I've cooked for her), getting her clean clothes, her incontinence pads, making sure I get her medications refilled, and making sure the bills are paid for the house and utilities and trying to maintain a clean home. Now she is starting to demonstrate hallucinations, at one point thinking someone had called and talked to her on the phone that was now in her trash can. (There wasn't a phone in there, and per our caller ID no one called except me to try and call her back when she called me at work and I missed it and didn't leave a voice message.) Then she began accusing me of starving her when I have receipts showing I bought food for her and brought it to her, but she'll only eat a few bites then tell me to put it away, and then doesn't want to eat it anymore the next day. I've begun documenting when I get her food now and what it is, what date, and what time because I am terrified and can't trust her recollection/memory anymore.
She needs to go to the hospital. Her doctors have told her this but she has refused multiple times. I've found out she had been lying to me this whole time about her calling and talking to her doctors for months. The biggest issue happened while I was away at work (I work full time, 8-5 mon through friday - and mon, wed, friday I'm generally not home till 630 to 7ish to take care of personal errands. She is aware of this schedule and I make sure when home her needs are met.) She had apparently fallen out of bed and couldn't get up. I came home and immediately called emsa. She claimed she fell around 1am but that was not true as I checked in on her before leaving for work at 7 and she was sound asleep in her bed. Emsa couldn't take her because she was able to answer their clarity questions, but she was willing to go until they told her she couldn't smoke infront of her oxygen tank and she then threatened to punch one of them.
Now I had her yelling for me at 8am in the morning to get her taco bell and when I told her she was having a hard time keeping solids down, maybe try some ensure first, she threatened to call the cops on me for Elder Neglect. I'm at my wits end. I can't be a full time caregiver for her, and I'm terrified of going to prison despite doing my best to help my mother even though she refuses at every turn to be seen at the hospital. She can't even stay out of her bed long enough for me to change out her soiled sheets or try to clean up her area. Any other family we have either are in the same boat or too far away to come get her, either.
I am drowning in anxiety over all this. I've gone so far as to call her doctor and spoke with social services with the hospital to have it on record how dire the situation is but I don't know what else to do. If I leave I can be charged for abandonment, if I don't do everything at her beck and call she will call the police on me for neglect. I worry if I get APS involved and they see the state of her and her room despite my explanations of why they will take her away and have me charged. I do not have a POA or Guardianship on her, nor am I a conservator. I'm just a very frazzled and terrified daughter at her wits end and do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. For now I'm continuing to document and record conversations with her, I even tried to get other family members involved to see if they can convince her to go but no dice.
If anyone has advice or suggestions please help.
I just went through this with my father about two years ago and I know that my mother is suffering from dementia however like yours, she refuses all medical care. The sheriffs have been called. They will not 5150 her because she has not threatened suicide and has not threatened me directly. Its heartbreaking, frustrating and incredibly exhausting. Hang in there and try to take care of yourself in this
May The Lord give you strength, peace and comfort during this new season in life.
So sorry your mom’s illness and passing were so difficult. Please take extreme care of yourself. You have been through so much. May she find peace and you as well.
Blessings to you. I am sorry for your loss. You fought a tough battle every day for a long time.
Please be gentle to yourself over the next several months.
I pray you have strength over the next several weeks to get through arrangements.
She's gone.
Last Friday we were submitting paperwork for Hospice covered under her insurance. We wouldn't really know or hear anything till after the Labor Day Weekend. I come into work this morning and I got the call from the hospital. She's passed before hospice could be decided.
I suppose this ends the saga, now. I know what needs to be done, funerary and will wise. I just wished it didn't end this way. Though I feel, looking back now from when I first made this post to now, it was an inevitability.
Thank you all for your kind advice, comfort, and well wishes. This forum has helped in so many ways to maintain myself through this whole ordeal. I'll still be sticking around to offer my own advice/comfort where I can. Until then I just have to take it a day at a time, and get the Estate in order.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
My heart goes out to you.
Your gut instincts were correct - it's bad.
"Right now I'm feeling a bit empty over all this."
Perfectly understandable. Feeling empty seems.. I dunno.. not regretful.. just empty. I think that is totally ok. Just wait & see what feelings start to arise in time.
".. she will lash out, accuse me of leaving her to die alone, etc. etc.
.. It's just not safe".
Your need for safety IS important.
I personally think being mindful of your well-being at this time is respectful to your self-care. Go with your gut instinct.
Either way, seeing her (high risk of being lashed out at) or not seeing her, either way may bring strong feelings up.
Out of options: visit or not visit, a 3rd option could be *managed visits*. I've seen this work well.
Visits are short & well timed to be when Mom is calm, preferably just after pain relief has been given.
This takes some good communication with Nursing staff, possibly a Manager or regular nurse who has got to see Mom across a few shifts & moods.
Eg Is today a good day? Has Mom been restful after lunch most days? If yes, go then. If restless/aggitated in later afternoon, avoid that time.
So. After posting update 6, that evening Mom's Oncologist called with the MRI results. As it stands the cancer has progressed but hasn't gone too far. However, after seeing the state mom is in, her vitals, her overall deterioration they cannot continue any treatment for her and recommend Hospice, not LTC. They gave her a month if that before passing with the state as is, and that's with the hospital's intervention.
Cut to today in the afternoon Hospice calls me. The woman (I'll refer to her as Elise) was very nice and said she actually managed to talk with Mom a bit - which is a first since she's primarily not been coherent or 'awake' enough for any real conversation. She explained the situation to me as she did with Mom; she's on a feeding tube, the only potential treatment for her fingers is amputation, and at this rate they cannot continue treatment of her cancer. Their prognosis for her is one month before she passes. Needless to say Mom was upset by this and Elise had to leave to room and called me to go over details.
While Mom can still answer who she is and where she is, she couldn't answer to the extent of her medical history. To quote Elise, when Mom was told just what all had happened she replied, 'I didn't realise it was that bad..' and became upset shortly after. I could rant about how I've been telling her for months it's been that bad but it's beating a dead horse at this point, pardon the term. When asked who could make decisions for her when she lacks the capability she stated 'My daughter, but she'll probably put that back on me anyways.' I did inform Elise that I will make the decision when the time comes, and she affirmed they do not think Mom will have the capacity to really make a decision for herself in the coming days. She is eligible for a Hospice House/Care and knows of the facility I would hopefully have mom cared for in. Elise, when asked about her status, stated it's a 'down turn'. The fact is if she tried rehab she'd have to have a feeding tube surgically put in her since she hasn't been eating food in some time, and IVs for her hydration. She would have to have her fingers amputated for the gangrene which I believe they are hesitating on doing due to her status, and based on how things are going, she is not going to get any better. As it stands, there is no way possible Mom can come home at any point. She will need to be in a facility.
I do have some concerns Mom may try to drag this out in some way but - what else can be done now? It's either Hospice, or she can try an LTC facility but I'm unsure if the latter is even viable now with her state. It's still a shock she roused for that conversation but reaction does not mean recovery.
Right now I'm feeling a bit empty over all this. Stuck in limbo until a decision is made. Being told my Mom, who I still love despite all the abuse that's gone on, may not last another month is hard as is. The part that messes with me, though, is I don't want to see her within that month. Mainly because I know what will happen- she will lash out, accuse me of leaving her to die alone, etc. etc. It's just not safe. All I want is for a final answer to be given, and this to be over with. So she can be at peace, and I can be at peace. I'm not sure what sort of daughter that makes me, but I imagine both my therapist and God will answer that in time.
Thank you all again for your kindness. I'll still keep updates here and then when able but it looks like we finally have an answer. All we have to do now is wait till the decision is made.
I don't regret not being my moms death bed scratching post, she would have done her best to destroy me on the way out. I felt led by The Lord to not give her the chance. May you receive certain guidance for you.
Doctor had called on Friday. They still could not get an MRI on her yet even though her seizures have ceased. They have her on two types of Seizure medication to keep her stable. The neurotoxicity between the sepsis, crashing blood sugar and the antibiotics used for her took a toll. Now all Mom can really do now is sleep, and she barely wakes up. The times she has, the nurses have asked what she is doing or how she is doing and she'll reply "Just getting a drink" before going back to sleep. She can't stay awake long enough to eat or drink so they've kept the feeding tube and central line in for fluid and nutrients.
The doctor went over all the possible options. They'll be talking to Mom's hand doctor about the gangrene on her fingers come Monday, and will finally be doing her MRI on Monday or later that week. Per the Doctor, if they cannot find anything treatable from the MRI beyond what they have done now they can't do much else on their end. The doctor affirmed, however, in no way shape or form is she going home with the state she is now in. An LTC will be required at this point as and they understand and agree I am not able to care for Mom to the level she needs now. Per the Doctor, people can take months to recover from seizure attacks like mom had, assuming they can or do. She'll need 24/7 monitoring at this point.
So regardless this week I find out what's next in store. It could be a hospice situation, or preparing to get her into the LTC. We will see. On the one hand I am relieved it feels like part of this nightmare is now ending, but I feel another is just beginning depending on what the doctors find this week. Wish me luck.
Lots of love for coping, Margaret
This is a bit longer but I'll try to be concise. I received a call from the nurses a few day ago telling me my mom essentially became non verbal and non reactive overnight. Couldn't speak, no reaction to stimuli, essentially in a stupor while her limbs continued to jerk about erratically. Could barely keep her eyes open. They originally asked for permission for an MRI with possibility of sedation to keep her settled to do it along with the EEG. She even ripped out one of her IVs during the fits so they had to install a central line and get a tube in her for her medication and nutrients.
They could not do the MRI as she only became more restless after sedation. The only word she could say is 'ow' with some facial expression but no response to anyone or anything else. They suspected it was toxicity in the brain either from the sepsis or from the antibiotic they put her on for it and asked to confirm her Code status. She has on file she is DNR and I affirmed this. Later on they confirmed from the EEG she was having continuous seizures brought on by the toxicity. They transferred her to the 4 Tower ward which for this hospital is just a step below ICU. This ward is generally for people who may or may not be going into Hospice. As it stands I was preparing for the possibility she may very well pass before long if this kept up - and I'm ashamed the idea brought me relief.
Cut to today I receive a call first from the care facility asking if there were any updates. I told them what I knew about Mom and depending on what happens we are unsure if Hospice would actually be the right option versus LTC but soon as there was an update I or the Case Manager would contact them.
After work I receive a call telling me that Mom is somewhat more 'awake' now, per say. She can say her name and understand/obey basic commands but she's been in and out of sleep. They will try the MRI again to see what is going on and either the nurse or doctor will alert me from there. I admit I am upset over this but not for the reasons people may think: it means while yes the seizures have stopped she is still suffering. I know it sounds back-a$$wards despite everything that's happened but I want her to have peace finally. They haven't even begun to try and work on the gangrene itself beyond the antibiotics, no mention of surgery on that yet nor word on cancer progression.
As much as I hate to say it, not hearing from her and having her out of the house the past few days has drastically changed my mood. Even coworkers stated I seemed alot more relaxed and happy. I could even sleep soundly without help of my anxiety medication and eat full meals again when I had to rely on ensure and trail snacks as I was so wound up my body couldn't take more. I hate it. I hate that such a drastic change showed in me the moment Mom left for the hospital and knowing I'd be safe from her threats, and she was being cared for by people who could do it. I was 'free' if you will. But... that's my mother. I shouldn't feel that way with her but that's just the reality of the situation I was put in. That she put herself in. I'm talking it through with my therapist right now because I feel a mix of shame, anger and embarrassment over this. No child should feel this way about their parent especially when their parent is sick, but ...considering everything that has gone on how else can someone feel?
Again I thank you all for your kindness and confidence. I know what to do going forward at least if they try to send her home in this state but I highly doubt that is going to happen. I just have to wait and see where this progresses from here and act accordingly. I'll try to keep things up to date where I can.
If you don’t want input from us, please look again at “I will never be able to live with myself if I just step back and do a wait and see and it costs her life”. I hope that there are better ways to deal with the situation, but be aware that sometimes people MUST wait for an impossible situation to fall over by itself. It wouldn’t normally ‘cost her life’, more like state guardianship. Impossible behavior can 'cost a life' anyway. There are many regrets after a difficult death, but you will have to live with yourself if that’s the only way to go.
It is not known of course how Mom's health will go, but I sincerely hope some stress has come down.
Sorry for delay. I've been decompressing a bit. The gangrene itself has not been removed yet but needs to be. Her oncologist would not continue with chemo until it was done as the meds they put her on for 2 weeks in the hospital stopped it for the moment, but soon as she was home it continued to the point skin was falling off and bleeding. I couldn't tell you what kind of Gangrene as I've mostly been left out in the dark about it initially and no access to her chart.
The cancer she has is a form of lung cancer itself - it's nodules above and below the stem connecting her lung.
Cannot stress to you how beyond mucho importante this is.
Not an attorney but if it were me this is how I would approach it:
say in July I made $2987.65 paid every 2 weeks that got deposited into this shared bank account by an honest to god employer that issues me either a w-2 or a 1099 for my taxes. So legit $ that is mine, tied to my SS#, tied to my IRS filings. I can prove it’s all mine and easily. This month I again got paid $2987.65 and expect the same $ amount EOM. That new account you open up with $100 cash deposit and then couple days later with 3 separate deposits of $2987.65. It has to be a match 2 match with what your paycheck is. You take new banking info to your work HR to change deposits. Again absolute do whatever you need to do ASAP to get any & all future deposits changed to new bank account that is only in your name and SS#. This could take your employer a bit of time and if so, then you continue the pattern till the change gets done. Must be absolutely a penny to penny match up.
Would suggest that this is an entirely new bank. Not same bank group where the account is now. Why? Well mom is difficult and will be likely defaulting on debts and you don’t want your account tied into this hot mess. Bank staff do not and should not know that she is hospitalized etc. this is all about YOU getting a new bank account.
For your income $ prior to July, that imo is going to need forensic accounting work to be done. Dealing with stuff like this is not a simple DIY. It is imho type of work that is all about segregation of assets determinations and that is the type of work that pit bullie divorce attorneys do. They will have CPA they work with to do forensics. Will take time and not cheap. A lot of what you have going on is - if you step back and look at this with a jaded eye- similar to couple who disagree on everything type of problem. So how willing are you to “go to the mattresses” on this??? A commingled bank account with 6 figures way WAAyAay different problem than one with $23,451. Think about it.
Moms $ issues: Right now as mom still in hospital, her health insurance paying. When she goes post hospital rehab patient in a NH, her Medicare & her secondary or Medicare Advantage Plan still paying. Billing @ NH is happy as insurance pays much higher rate as rehab patient and NOT a custodial care resident. Pay attention to when you start to hear her bed status is it changing.
Right now if NH has told you she probably has a “spend down” that means more than a mere 2K in bank accounts. Has to spend down to that to be considered impoverished in nonexempt assets for LTC Medicaid. LTC Medicaid has 2K nonexempt asset max and $2829 income max for most States. If mom over $2829 income each month, another problem but hopefully she is not.
iMPT: Tell the NH you absolutely want to hold off ANY filing for LTC Medicaid till you gather her financials together. That mom will write a check for mo 2 mo if need be. More on that later…
Nh and LTC Medicaid are going to want 3-5 years of documentation & as you have access to that shared account, get last 5 years of bank statements. If not squirrel away in that nasty house, then bank research dept does this and costs taken from that account. Xerox so you have an Original & 2 sets. Any other financial accounts, rinse & repeat. You want this too for your possible forensics. While at the bank, make sure that you know precisely whose SS# accounts are in. This is meet with a bank officer stuff. Be dressed nicely, have your IDs, be calm. You can do this!
Not being POA poses problems BUT also poses possibilities. If pressed dodge on saying no POA. More on that later too
Thank you again for your help!
I haven't received any calls from either my mother or the hospital blessedly. I have not checked in on her status so far but will most likely call in tomorrow to see where she is at currently with the Nurse and/or doctor. If it is an emergency they will reach out I'm sure. For now I am steadily gathering things togethor for my move in the next few months and finally able to relax while they take care of her. I am just glad that they have her safe and with the care she needs for now and I'm not falling over from panic anymore.
If anything else comes up I will update accordingly. Thank you all again for your kindness and help!
I love that "The universe has a sense of humor apparently".
It does! A very ironical one. My brother and I would laugh and laugh about the ironical vagaries of life. Endless and ongoing, and if we can't get a laugh of it, what's the use of it all?
Don't let them send her home!
Insist on placement. She is now in the perfect place from which to be placed. Let them know you are not emotionally, physically or mentally able to care for them and will call APS yourself if she is returned to you so that a court conservator can be put in place to manage her care.
DO NOT TAKE HER HOME!
My suggestion. Let them call. This is emotional blackmail.
There should be full report of Mom's stay from admittance to discharge. If she was brought in by EMT, they will not that on the report as well.
I know for My Chart there is a section where you can request a detailed copy of the report.
Read what Igloo wrote and follow it, she is a Medicaid rock star and knows what she is talking about.
I pray for you and your mom that she doesn't suffer needlessly and that you are prepared for any outcome.
All these give you time to figure out her finances as to IF she will end up having to do a spend down and private pay for the day once she moves from being a patient on Medicare to becoming a custodial care resident in a NH. NH are private pay or LTC insurance at 7K-15K a month & if she is low income enough she can file for LTC Medicaid program.
Ltc Medicaid - once it’s filed for - is very restrictive as to what she can spend down $ on, it tends to be $ to be only used for her care and her needs. So any costs for that house in her name really shouldn’t happen. And this spirals down to being an issue if you want to have the house sold because it will take $ to get it clean up, decluttered and do some degree of spiffing up even if it is just to make it more secure for a Realtor or buyers to walk though. If you pay for stuff, it’s hard for you to be reimbursed from Act of Sale $ as it’s moms house and that is technically “gifting”. Medicaid tends to view what we do for our elders as done out of a sense of family responsibility without any expectation of compensation. But if you do some things for the house from her $ before application filed, that’s a different story. Nothing crazy like putting in a pool but paying to get all nasty carpets & drapes out and new ones installed, paying her property insurance, repairs needed for safety… stuff like that should be ok. The house can remain an exempt asset for her lifetime even if she files for LTC Medicaid, so you can continue to stay there as it is already your existing home. But once she’s on LTC Medicaid, all house costs will be on you 100% as all her income basically becomes a paid to the Nh required Share of Cost by LTC Medicaid program. And once she dies, the LTC Medicaid program will have to attempt to place a lien or claim onto the property for all costs Medicaid paid for. Could be six figures if mom lives awhile. It’s done via MERP. If you want to deal with it you can but cannot be forced to.
Now if you are over the house and can’t wait to get out you can. And not your responsibility to do or spend on it. My experience is that folks like your mom will be adamant that they are NOT selling their home that they intend to move back even though that is so ridiculous… and the house goes blighted, interior goes nasty, utilities get pulled, taxes go unpaid, yada yada. As you already live there, and have a job so have income, you actually are in the position to take your time to make a decision that makes sense for both what is best for your mom and for you. If anyone wants to tell you a decision has to be made asap, not accurate as house can remain exempt asset while she is alive.
If mom was secretive on financials, do your best to find what you can to determine where she is for her ability to private pay OR impoverished enough for LTC Medicaid. And be sure to find that POA you did with your mom… and always sign everything as “OffKilter as POA for June Kilter”.
I've already accepted it's quite possible the house will be lost for her care. In truth, as much as it's a nice idea to be in a house fully paid off, if it's at the cost of freedom or mental health? It's not worth it.
As far as I am aware she has Medicaid with the local state (Oklahoma) and UHC additions. From discussion with the case worker the main concern really is checking her assets for the past 5 years. The hitch in it is we shared a bank account. Her SSI payments and my income went in because it 'only made sense' to keep it in one account to help pay the bills. If I knew now what I did then I would have said 'absolutely not' and kept it separate.
As it stands I still plan to move out by near end of the year. The only reason I haven't done it yet is two things. 1.) The concerns about abandonment and 2.) I took on a hefty debt for previous house repairs for her because at the time she didn't have any credit score to get a loan for the necessary repairs, which she has not paid me back on or helped with. The good news is that debt should be cleared by October/November which coincides with the move timeframe.
Thank you so much for responding and if you have anymore advise or 'heads ups' you can give me regarding this situation it is most appreciated!
She is already admitted in a room and being monitored while the doctors look into the extent of her gangrene which will require surgery and will need to check the progression of her lung cancer since she refused to seek further chemotherapy treatment for it for several months.
As it stands we are in the 'hurry up and wait' scenario to see what the doctors will do and what they find. It may very well be her cancer has progressed so much Hospice will be the likely end point for her. If not, then they would treat the gangrene, and then work on a safe discharge for her to a facility for rehab and afterwards discuss options on long term care that she needs. Again, this is from my discussion with the Case Manager.
As it stands when they first treated her Gangrene they only placed her on Anti-Biotics in the hospital for 2 weeks without surgery thinking it wouldn't progress and discharged her after. Unfortunately, they were wrong. It did progress, and now she has sepsis once again from it. Her primary doctor and Oncologist were even surprised they did not do surgery considering it's overtaken the tips of three fingers down to the knuckle and the bone is now showing and even told her she needed to go back to the hospital to be properly treated for it, and it would require surgery. Because of the surgical aspect she refused. Unfortunately, since she refused it means they could not continue her chemo treatments while the gangrene was still actively progressing.
I'm unsure what you mean about the hospital having a right to not let her come back. EMTALA ( Emergency Medical Treatment & Labor Act) would disagree, as well, unless you mean in cases where she would become violent with the staff. In that case, not letting her come back wouldn't be an issue as at that point she would most likely be reported to the local authorities and dealt with from there.
Your mom might try to claim she was abandoned; your mom might try to claim she was abducted by aliens! The facts are: 1) mom is septic. 2) you had mom brought to the hospital when it became clear that she was not well and in her right mind. 3) mom can no longer care for herself, and you cannot provide the 24/7 care she clearly needs. 4) you have alerted everyone who needs to be alerted to this fact and are currently waiting for the discharge team at the hospital to find the next place mom needs to go to continue to get care - be that rehab or a nursing facility. This is NOT abandonment. This is caregiving for elderly, extremely ill person.
Abandonment would be if you packed your things in the dead of night and snuck out of the house without letting anyone know mom was alone and vulnerable and left no forwarding address or phone number.
Stay on task, and stay strong, you're doing everything EXACTLY right!
Thank you for also explaining the differences with Abandonment. That helps set my mind at ease. As it stands I'm going to continue forward with the acceptance she may very well call and I have my documentation, videos and the discussions with the Case Manager to back me up if APS does show up and interviews me regarding her situation. In all honesty I'm in agreement with your previous sentiments that she was bluffing, but it never hurts to be prepared; especially with someone who is not acting reasonable or of sound mind.
Thank you so much my friend <3
I came home and thoroughly checked her room and the house after stripping down my clothing. No signs of bed bugs anywhere. More than likely they hopped a ride on her items while she was waiting in the ER fot over the several hours they kept her there before they got a room.
At this point if she calls to ask me to bring her food (as she has the past several hospital stays she has) I will remain firm and tell her that the hospital will provide food and she needs to maintain their diet while in her condition. They won't let her starve and if she refuses I imagine they will give her a feeding tube of some sort. I also spoke with my lawyer friend regarding if she causes a scene or acts out to be discharged home and more than likely they would put her under a psych eval or if she assaults one of the staff the police would be involved. It would be a matter for the case worker to handle.
I still worry she will try to claim abandonment/neglect even at this stage so any reassurance regarding this would be greatly appreciated. I do know now that she is gone for the moment my anxiety has come down greatly and I can finally manage to eat again myself beyond small snacks or ensure shakes.
If anyone else has suggestions on next steps beyond preparing for the move out please let me know. At this stage I feel a bit more protection now but still don't trust her not to throw me under the bus still.
Thank you all for your kindness
I was able to speak with Mom's case manager and social worker and advised them exactly what you all suggested. I also added in that as it stands Mom has also been keeping me in the dark in the past regarding her conversations with doctors (if there were any at all) and the threats of calling the cops on me for neglect because I was enforcing what previous doctors advised regarding her diet and being unable to keep solid food down ontop of being unable and unwilling to let me function assisting in personal care/hygiene needs. I reiterated with my job demands and hours plus an upcoming move in 3 months that I am unable to care for her nor have had any capacity to do so in the past in a way that would help her thrive and become independent. Right now the extend of what she needs is still to be determined but they stated she most likely would need to be in a rehab for at least 20 days before they consider releasing her. Long term care may require a medicaid spend down voucher assuming she isn't in the time table for hospice due to her condition and cancer progression. I noted the names and date/time of who I spoke with and they understood my predicament. I firmly asserted too that I just live with her as a daughter to help pay bills and did not agree to be any caregiver/caretaker and do not have a POA/guardianship or any legal designation that I am the one responsible for her well being and care. The case manager was shocked at the treatment I described but understood and she will be discussing any and all facility options with Mom alone without my involvement. Which is fine with me.
My only fear now is Mom making a scene to get kicked out of the hospital or to be sent home but I imagine her caseworker will handle that going forward.
You could have called APS earlier. Telling them she won't go for help and you do not want charges filed against you for neglect. They could have firced her to go. You would have a recordvof the call.