Hello,
My elderly mother is in independent living, with (until yesterday) a CSA visiting once/week to help her with small things. My mother is cognitively clear most of the time, can dress herself, can get around on a walker. She is not yet at the point where she needs a higher care level.
However, she is so demanding and bullying (and always has been to some extent) that we've gone through seven or eight caregivers. The agencies we've worked with seem incapable of finding anyone who can deal with a cranky old person; they send young women who call me: "You're mom is upset with me today..."
My mother complains about being lonely even though I call her 2-3 a week, her housekeeper (who is a family friend) visits her once/week to clean her room even though the asst living provider has a housekeeper, and, until yesterday, a caregiver who took her to get her hair done etc. even though the provider has transportation AND a hair stylist. My mother can make it over to the dining room, but she complains about the food and has her housekeeper bring her fast food. The activities director reached out to her, but she refuses to participate in anything involving a group. She basically wants everything provided for her, including conversation that her fed-up and introverted son can't provide because he's sick of her constant complaints and demands.
I'm really sick of this. The whole idea of having her in the residential home was for them to look after her, but they have no volunteers available to speak with her and will charge us for anything else. Question: Should I simply refuse to hire any more caregivers, in effect forcing her to rely on the res home for food, transport, etc? Suggestions welcome. As you can tell, I'm quite burned out on all of this. Thanks.
Good luck.
Where I'm at most is out of a can with not much being fresh.
Can't blame OPs mom in that regard, though fast food isn't better.
STOP the insanity.
She has help where she lives.
If she needs more help than is PROVIDED and PAID FOR in "Independent Living" maybe it is time to transition to Assisted Living.
Since mom is cognizant she is aware of what she is doing and understands consequences.
So sit mom down and have a conversation something like this.
"Mom we have had several caregivers and for one reason or another they have quit. You can get the help you need from the staff here so we are not going to have any more caregivers come in."
Don't back down.
She will do just fine, she may not like it but thus is life.
So in all reality you my dear are enabling this demanding and bad behavior from your mother, and if you want it to stop then you're going to have to stop enabling her.
She'll adjust don't worry, or she'll just have to go hungry and be lonely. And that will be on her not you.
So please get off this crazy hamster wheel you've been on for far too long and start taking your life back, and accept that more than likely your mother will never be happy and that again is on her not you. Some people just like being miserable, but that doesn't mean that you have you be miserable along with her.
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you'll find
You get what you need
Call the facility and tell them that you will answer THEIR calls in a true emergency but that you are going "no contact" with your mom so that she can adjust.
Do not tell mom; she'll just bully you more and wear you down.
A senior brat benefits most greatly from tough love. So you don't hire another caregiver. You don't tolerate one more moment of complaint or nonsense from her. You tell her plainly that you will not listen to her complain and if she continues in her bullying and demanding behavior she will get kicked out of AL and the next stop will be a nursing home. A person can demand and bully all they want there because the staff isn't going to jump through hoops to appease and coddle some senior brat wants to act up.
I was an in-home caregiver (mostly to the elderly) for 25 years and noe operate my own homecare business. I've had countless seniors like your mother who were demanding bullies. How I handled them was I give it right back to them. I give it as good as they can and better.
Tell the caregiver you give her permission to put your mother in her place when she acts up. You'll see a big change when she knows no one will take ger crap anymore.
Since being there for 8 months she has run staff off to other jobs, been to the owner/principals “office” twice for rudeness, behavior etc. We’ve read the house rules to her several times and told her if she doesn’t treat people with courtesy and respect she will have to leave to a place she really won’t like.
She is on calming meds now which sometimes help. She has her favorite caregivers and not others, because some give it right back to her. I’ve heard her say things that I wouldn’t ever dream come out of this woman’s mouth. So in reality, we’ve lost the mom we knew. She is in the best place for her and the caregivers take good care of her. She just doesn’t realize/believe how good she has it, and likely never will.
My sister and I are each others’ rock. We take our vacations and try to live our lives knowing mom is taken care of. I maybe talk to mom 1x week now, see her less. Many calls go to my VM.
Please let the AL caregivers do their job. Don’t hire any more extra care unless medically needed. Take care of YOU and live your life. And don’t stress or worry about her. It’s taken me 4 years to get to this point, and sometimes you just have to let go as hard as it is. Best wishes to you!
Leave her be.
Has she ever been evaluated by a Geriatric Psychiatrist for depression?
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