Hello,
My elderly mother is in independent living, with (until yesterday) a CSA visiting once/week to help her with small things. My mother is cognitively clear most of the time, can dress herself, can get around on a walker. She is not yet at the point where she needs a higher care level.
However, she is so demanding and bullying (and always has been to some extent) that we've gone through seven or eight caregivers. The agencies we've worked with seem incapable of finding anyone who can deal with a cranky old person; they send young women who call me: "You're mom is upset with me today..."
My mother complains about being lonely even though I call her 2-3 a week, her housekeeper (who is a family friend) visits her once/week to clean her room even though the asst living provider has a housekeeper, and, until yesterday, a caregiver who took her to get her hair done etc. even though the provider has transportation AND a hair stylist. My mother can make it over to the dining room, but she complains about the food and has her housekeeper bring her fast food. The activities director reached out to her, but she refuses to participate in anything involving a group. She basically wants everything provided for her, including conversation that her fed-up and introverted son can't provide because he's sick of her constant complaints and demands.
I'm really sick of this. The whole idea of having her in the residential home was for them to look after her, but they have no volunteers available to speak with her and will charge us for anything else. Question: Should I simply refuse to hire any more caregivers, in effect forcing her to rely on the res home for food, transport, etc? Suggestions welcome. As you can tell, I'm quite burned out on all of this. Thanks.
If she said no and asked them to leave, there is nothing they CAN do.
If she's just going to keep doing that, maybe explore other options.
It's not uncommon for patients to refuse caregiver care, because they only want their family members to do it.
I heard The Rolling Stones play ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ live at Louisiana State University Assembly Center when I was 18. The Stones were great!
I would have never thought of that song being applied to a caregiving situation! LOL 😆 Caregiving was the furthest thing from my mind when I was 18!
It’s certainly true that we can’t always get what we want. All caregivers should listen to that song and apply it to the needs of their loved ones!
So, what do you think of us doing a remake of Paul Simon’s song, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover? It could be turned into 50 Ways to leave Your Mother!!! LOL 😝
I Saw Simon at New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival. He was fantastic!
Have the Geriatric Specialist or Psychologist give you a cognitive assessment that will let you know if she cognitively can comprehend and retain conversation correctly. If so, have the conversation with her about boundaries and limitations asso with caregivers and family. Start by asking her to tell you or the Dr. why she behaves this way. She of course may balk but also it may point out some things to her and you folks. Tell her that bullying caregivers and family will not be tolerated and what the consequences are if she does.There is some validity in your thoughts to forcing her to use the staff services. She of course will not like it but it will help her build trust with them.
Either way, do not let her continue to bully staff, caregivers not you the family. Get her to one of the above specialists ASAP. They will give a " level of care needs " assessment and make referral recommendations for addressing her behaviors and bringing sanity to you the family. Don't cater to her manipulative behaviors.
Practice good self care !
I make her do that because I always misunderstand her.
🤦🏼♀️
Since being there for 8 months she has run staff off to other jobs, been to the owner/principals “office” twice for rudeness, behavior etc. We’ve read the house rules to her several times and told her if she doesn’t treat people with courtesy and respect she will have to leave to a place she really won’t like.
She is on calming meds now which sometimes help. She has her favorite caregivers and not others, because some give it right back to her. I’ve heard her say things that I wouldn’t ever dream come out of this woman’s mouth. So in reality, we’ve lost the mom we knew. She is in the best place for her and the caregivers take good care of her. She just doesn’t realize/believe how good she has it, and likely never will.
My sister and I are each others’ rock. We take our vacations and try to live our lives knowing mom is taken care of. I maybe talk to mom 1x week now, see her less. Many calls go to my VM.
Please let the AL caregivers do their job. Don’t hire any more extra care unless medically needed. Take care of YOU and live your life. And don’t stress or worry about her. It’s taken me 4 years to get to this point, and sometimes you just have to let go as hard as it is. Best wishes to you!
I sure can relate, as an introverted daughter.
We even found an awesome PSW who had so much in common with my mother and loved to chat. No - my mother kept trying to fire her and block her from entering her home.
She demanded only me, 24/7, to fulfill all her needs, including social. Is your mother expecting you to be everything to her? During this especially miserable, shadowing stage, my mother was assessed as having dementia. On the surface she seemed fine and showtimed brilliantly, but couldn’t name her town, grandkids, age, etc. Your mother may be the same. When they direct the conversation, they can appear more cognizant than they are.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You cannot make her happy. But you can keep her safe.
If she is in a safe, suitable place, step back to see if she can solve some of her own issues (like her feigned loneliness). If she’s like my mother and always needs someone to blame (me) she may never move forward as she clings to some delusion that she can’t.
Do your own screening.
Ask in advance how they would handle (various situations /scenarios) -
- Ask about their experience with difficult people.
And this may be more than you want to do (hiring directly).
Agencies screen, do criminal check (or should be), and have insurance for workers' compensation, etc.
Sounds like it is best you keep working with the agencies.
Even a couple of visits with a social worker or therapist. Or / and have a three way conversation. Tell her it IS possible that if she doesn't 'adjust' and (get an attitude adjustment) that she may be required to leave and go to a place that is 'worse.' While you do not want to scare her, this could be the reality. She needs to take some personal responsibility for her behavior and it sounds like she isn't 'used' to doing that. I wonder if you consider her a narcissistic personality? Not easy street. (And so hard on her, too.)
I do not know if your mom has dementia or if she does, the degree or kind. Different kinds of dementia affect different parts of the brain.
Since she is in ind living, she likely is 'just' angry at being there and 'stumping her feet' wanting to get her own way. You must set clear boundaries with her - for your sake and hers. Gena
It isn't fun. It is challenging and difficult for you and your mom, and the facility and caregivers.
No, facilities do not offer volunteers to visit residents. You need to set that up. (I question why you thought they did/do. Wondering if you asked prior to moving your mom in this facility).
From what you say, you are expecting services from a facility which they do not provide. Talk to the social worker / administrator there to find out exactly what they provide so you will have reasonable and accurate expectations.
* Often/at times, a person (caregiver) or whoever is in 'the line of fire' feels abused and IS being abused verbally and should not acept this behavior. It is 'more' than you say:
"The agencies we've worked with seem incapable of finding anyone who can deal with a cranky old person."
Agencies do their best to find people. Period. It isn't easy to find caregivers generally speaking. People are not doing this as a 'career'. They are usually not college educated, and usually English is NOT their first language. They are people trying to make a living doing whatever they can. And caregiving is generally cooking, cleaning, managing hygiene/bathing needs.
- I am a care provider although I have a background in counseling and two years of on-line training/education in dementia (with Teepa Snow). And, it is / was not necessarily easy for me to deal with combative clients.
* Yes and No: You might try refusing to hire anymore caregivers although you mom needs their / this quality/kind of assistance, whether she wants it or not.
- You could start with trying (and doing, not just 'trying" setting CLEAR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES with your mom. Discuss with her the 'downside' of not caregivers (or less caregiver time/support) - tell her it is 'up to you'.
- And do tell her that you do not have time to continually be interviewing or managing new caregivers 'all the time.'
Believe me, I know it is not easy. I had a client when she was 99. I worked with her for perhaps a year off and on as a 'caregiver.' While I love(d) her dearly and I still do (she is now 104), I had to stop providing care as she was TOO CRITICAL. However, I have also 'paid my dues' and worked with a very difficult person for three years because financially I had to. And, I LOVE this work although now I focus mainly offering socialization visits, organizational mgmt and managing care (supervising, hiring others).
It is important to remember that the client (your mother) is frustrated, fearful, angry at her current situation/dis-ability). However, this doesn't mean that a care provider should ever 'take abuse.' If I were working with your mother, I would likely have left too. Everyone deserves respect. Caregiving takes a very special person(ality and maturity, and heart of compassion). It requires a person to step out of their self and into the heart and mind of the person they are caring for ... which is not easy to do 'all the time.' Most people are not trained, experienced to do this at all.
Take care of yourself.
Set your mom straight. "This is how it is (now)" -
If she falls or needs assistance that she doesn't have, it is on her. Do NOT feel guilty. You want to - and are - do your best to provide her the best and safest care possible. And, you can only do so much.
See if her medication could be adjusted. To keep her calmed down.
Gena / Touch Matters
My mom insisted on a paid companion when she was in independent and then assisted living. Dad went along with it and he did the hiring. It kept him off the hook, and he didn't want to take mom on her endless round of doctor appointments. Dad was careful to find companions who were on my mom's social and educational level so that she would consider them friends rather than just 'the help." They dressed nicely and mom would take them out to good restaurants for lunch. It worked. (Mom had driven away all of her real friends by this time, or they'd died.) Mom would not take the facility's provided car to appointments, though it was a Lincoln Town Car and quite comfortable. She would not go to the dining room if she didn't want to see the people there. She was superior, dontcha know. She was also a big pain in the A. If it had been up to me, I would have stopped most of the extra help so she could live like real mortals, but dad wanted it.
Then they both got really sick, and I managed their care at home until they died.
So you're not the only person who has been through some version of this, and it's up to you how to handle it. Think of what is to come and what your commitment will be as it unfolds. More disengagement at present might be the only way to save your sanity.
I went to the staff & asked for assistance. I was told they could provide shopping & other assistance. The extra charge was minimal & she could handle it. Fortunately I was in charge of her finances.
I told her how things were going to be. I’d be visiting her 3 days a week, but the staff would do her shopping. “Call when you need them.”I retained control over her medical purchases & did an occasional errand (repairs et al) but managed to regain some sanity. THIS must come first: take care of yourself, then others, when& where you can!
It looks like she is ready for MC. She can still be obstinate but there are more social activities provided geared to this stage. When my mom and MIL went to MC,(same facility but different times) they both had gentle pushes to get out of their rooms and join in. It was done with floor staff who would just say " aren't you going? You will have a good time"
For one last ditch effort, speak to her geriatric doctor or make an appointment with one to see if some medication will help make her more compliant.
One of my neighbors also had a mother who was no longer safe at home. Her family did have group talks with her that she would go into MC if things did not change. That fell on deaf ears and she was eventually placed. They kept their promise
Cover909
STOP the insanity.
She has help where she lives.
If she needs more help than is PROVIDED and PAID FOR in "Independent Living" maybe it is time to transition to Assisted Living.
Since mom is cognizant she is aware of what she is doing and understands consequences.
So sit mom down and have a conversation something like this.
"Mom we have had several caregivers and for one reason or another they have quit. You can get the help you need from the staff here so we are not going to have any more caregivers come in."
Don't back down.
She will do just fine, she may not like it but thus is life.
Leave her be.
Has she ever been evaluated by a Geriatric Psychiatrist for depression?
HER means do
I trust you are not spending any of your own funds on her care.
She spends her money and when/if it runs out, she goes on Medicaid (Medi-cal in California).
Good luck.
Where I'm at most is out of a can with not much being fresh.
Can't blame OPs mom in that regard, though fast food isn't better.
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you'll find
You get what you need
A senior brat benefits most greatly from tough love. So you don't hire another caregiver. You don't tolerate one more moment of complaint or nonsense from her. You tell her plainly that you will not listen to her complain and if she continues in her bullying and demanding behavior she will get kicked out of AL and the next stop will be a nursing home. A person can demand and bully all they want there because the staff isn't going to jump through hoops to appease and coddle some senior brat wants to act up.
I was an in-home caregiver (mostly to the elderly) for 25 years and noe operate my own homecare business. I've had countless seniors like your mother who were demanding bullies. How I handled them was I give it right back to them. I give it as good as they can and better.
Tell the caregiver you give her permission to put your mother in her place when she acts up. You'll see a big change when she knows no one will take ger crap anymore.