Is anybody else dealing with a parent who refuses to help themselves or improve their situation and expects you to do it all for them?
I have a 73 year o!d mother who has made herself almost completely immobi!e by refusing to take prescribed pain medication for arthritis as directed and refusing to stay active. She is over weight and all she wants to do is sit in her chair and watch TV and wants my family to take care of her, clean her house and do her household chores. I have a husband who works 10 hour days, a part time job myself, and a 10 year old with Autism and an 18 year old at home. I am frustrated beyond belief with her "can't do" attitude and refusal to put any real effort into helping herself remain independent. She says she cannot afford assisted living and I don't think she wznts anyone in her house. Looking for options on how to help without "enabling" her victim mentality and keep myself sane in the process. I have already gotten the huge guilt trip for not calling her every day to see what we can "do for her today." Suggestions anyone????
If she wants to remain in her own home while her health slowly declines then she's going to have to make some sacrifices such as in home care. You and your family can't be at her beck and call everyday when you have your own lives to lead.
This is not to say that you should cut off contact with your mom but set boundaries for yourself. I say "yourself" because your mom isn't likely to recognize boundaries anymore. Set boundaries for yourself such as you'll only go over to her house 2 days a week for 2 hours at a time, or whatever you think is reasonable based on the situation.
Only you can take care of yourself. You can't expect your mom to know or even care what you have going on in your life.
Unfortunately, I was the only sibling living near my mother at the time and I couldn't get my sisters to back me up in trying to get my mother to take more responsibility for herself. They refused to get involved unless they were forced to. It took me a long time to really stand up to her and draw the line at what I would and wouldn't do, and by that time she was so disabled she really couldn't do much of anything for herself.
At this point I'm just resigned to the situation. I could not affect the trajectory of my mother's old age, but I can still decide what I will and won't do.
Bottom line is, I understand the panic when you see the writing on the wall and realize your parent's full-blown disability is getting ready to totally swamp you and overrun your life. But there's probably nothing you can do to get them to take more responsibility for themselves except to take less responsibility for them. I wish I had fully realized this a lot sooner.
Grandma went to rehab and learned to walk with a walker (kept saying " i can't believe you sent me here") and returned to her Bronx apartment. But I learned an important lesson; just because your elderly parent wants it or thinks it's her due, doesn't mean you have to agree.
Has her doctor recommended a hip replacement as you reference in your post above? I might see if she would agree to consult with him about it and the physical therapy it might entail. People who have physical disabilities do have their limitations and a 70 year old might not be as spry as an 80 year old who is not disabled with arthritis. I don't know that I would compare her to others. Pain can make you act in unusual ways. I know people who have arthritis and it is very painful, even if you do take medications.
You sound like you have your hands full with working and caring for your family. I would think your mom would understand that all the help she needs will have to be done by someone else. There's no shame in bringing in other care providers. I would never expect a person with all you have on your plate to care for me, clean my house, shop, etc. No way. I would tell you to take care of your home and that I would hire help. If she can't afford to hire help, then look into what resources she may qualify for. Is she on Medicaid? Some states provide assisted living for those who are deemed medically in need of it and who meet the income/asset requirements.
I would also confirm the cause of your mom giving up so much in her daily activity. It could be depression or dementia. (Would she take meds for depression?) I know of people who stop doing things for themselves and it seems confusing. As it turns out, they had forgotten how to do things, like writing a check, driving, cooking, etc. They don't even realize what is going on. I'd make sure the reason she is not staying mobile.
I wouldn't play the guilt game. That's for people who do wrong. You are trying to do the right thing. I'd set the boundaries and have peace with it.
After her first hip replacement, she went to rehab, but checked herself out after a few days over the advice of the PT's. She's lived the last 18 months in her lift recliner. She depends on her children and grandchildren to come over to take her trash out, clean her house, get her mail, get groceries. She'll leave the house for hair and doctor appointments.
So, back to today and why I'm here - she called me from the hospital this morning. She'll be discharged tomorrow and wants to go home (not to rehab). She says after her PT this morning, she's back to where she was before the surgery, but without pain. She wants someone to come in (paid professional) during the day and either my brother or me to spend the night with her for a few nights. I told her I don't feel comfortable with that. We left it that I'd call her back later today. I think she was shocked at my push-back.
My guess is that she doesn't want to go from the hospital to rehab, but directly to home and this is her work-around. I'm going to her room after work and ask her if she's really willing to settle for her very limited mobility (albeit pain-free) that she'll have now if she doesn't do the rehab and the exercises (like she didn't do after the last one).
My brother and I (and our spouses) are at that point where we're not willing to do anymore for her than we are now. She'll have to decide whether she's willing to live in squalor going forward, hire someone in, move to an assisted living apartment or step up her game and push herself to do more for herself.
At any rate, I apologize that I don't have any advice for the original poster, but I hear what you're saying. My plan is to determine what I'm willing to do, let her know that and stick to my guns. I'm married, work full-time, have a part-time business, a child in college and a child in her last year of high school.
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