What do we do with our parents who live in a remote town and make unsafe decisions?

unfortunately it's not an option for things to stay the same. eventually they will need intervention. as my mother did when she lived in Florida and I lived in New York, suffering demential & living alone. it was the same as if she lived in the wilderness. i brought her up to New York to live with me under false pretenses ~ a 'vacation' ~ & she eventually needed hospitalization & placement in a nursing home. & so she is in a nursing home an hour from me. sooner or later your hand will be forced, as mine was. don't wait until something horrible happens.

Is it possible to hire someone from the small town they live near to being them groceries, drive them to Drs appts, get in the firewood, etc.? Put ad in local paper?

Thank you to everyone who responded. You gave me good food for thought. To elaborate and answer some of your questions here is additional info. Yes they have had accidents driving. They don't admit to them until later since my mother tends to talk non stop and will let slip information we were not aware of. Recently our father seriously injured himself changing a tire after hitting something and blowing out the tire. There are new scratches and dents on their car often. Our mother admitted some time ago that they hit another car but it was a nice older Mexican fellow who didn't want to do anything about it. After the tire change but also after moving a ditch witch and changing tires on the backhoe he already almost killed himself on but won't sell they called in a panic because his testicles swelled up and he had been feverish and ill for days. After a 2 hour drive to the VA and 12 hours in the emergency room the week of Christmas they said he has an inflamed ligament. Recovery time is 4 to 6 weeks. My mother had driven them part way to meet my sister to drive them, it's an hour round trip to their house in the opposite direction so to save time they met them and then my sister drove 2 hours from there to the VA. It's free so that's where they go, no place else. After the 12 hours and 2 hour drive back my mother was too nervous to drive so our father had to drive the hour drive home from there. She needs a hip replacement so had our father drive her an hour in the opposite direction the next day for her appointment. This after his serious injury and all night in the ER. He didn't feel well and was feverish for a week after. My older sister used to take them everywhere but she has ovarian cancer, has gone through chemo and is not at all well. They still call her when they have an emergency. They WILL NOT call 911. When our mother had an emergency with a heart problem my other sister called 911 then drive there. Our mother refused to get in the ambulance insisting that the sister drive her. She thought it would be cheaper but got a $900 bill since Medicare won't pay for 911 if you don't do what they say. They refuse to call 911 for our father since they won't take him all the way to the VA and they would have to pay the basic Medicare deductibles for him. They have been house sitting in Arizona every year and driving over from California. Two years ago they wouldn't admit that our father had shingles because it would cancel the trip so he drove over with shingles. I live here and took him to the VA every weekend that month. He made the statement " I'll will be independent until I die" all the while depending on me to take him to the hospital and bring them food on my days off of work. This should give you an idea of what we are dealing with. They want to be independent until they have a problem. They were pretty uninvolved parents. We did fun things together as a family but our mother worked nights so we only saw her on weekends and our father worked days but usually went out drinking and came home late. Our mother had twins when I was 9 and my sister was 10 and we did a big share of childcare, and all the cooking and cleaning. It's no surprise that out of 4 daughters not one of us had kids.

And remember: Medicaid is only for people in poverty, as defined by their state.

Unless you are willing to take care of them your choices are very limited..other than a nursing home once on Medicaid. Assisted living is an option but I doubt they will have enough for the rent so YOU will be paying for their rent out of your pocket. Actually you should explore that option of Medicaid for them--they may be eligible. Once on Medicaid, nursing home placement is not a big deal.

Learn to say the serenity prayer over and over and over again, you will need it. Your idea of how you think they should live will be tested, and you should not force them to do what they do not want to do unless extreme issues of safety are present. Defining what those are takes patience, judgment, and acceptance.

Well at least they are being independent and not being a burden to you. At 89 with "a minimal healthcare services" sounds like they are doing better than most. Point is they have rights too--unless you are willing to go through some kind of legal process to prove them mentally incompetent and you will be responsible for their care, let them live their own life. You want them to live in a nursing home if you can't care for them? Sorry but Medicaid will only pay for nursing homes.

Long ago life was much simpler. People got old and when their time came, they died at home. If every single old person had a team of offspring around them to control their every move, how could those people live their own lives? We are all being eaten prematurely by the horrible monster they name cancer. Everybody has the right to live in peace. If the elderly are stubborn because they want to live their own lives, that's very good. My parents are stubborn, mean and controlling. They DEMAND our assistance and don't even pay gratitude. We're treated like their rugs.

I have to move my parents from NYC to CT for the same reasons- they just can't care for themselves as well anymore and I'm too far away to help every day. Dad is on board but my mom has the dementia and claims she's not leaving the city. Not sure if either of your folks has dementia/alzheimers but my plan (we'll see how it goes over) is to trick her and say dad needs to be evaluated by Yale (she likes hearing the name Yale) for a few months. She sort of takes that ok but I'm not going to know till the time comes. It's going to be a string of small lies until she settles here...Stay tuned...and wish me luck!

Be grateful they remain independent. Good for them! I hope I am living in a remote desert town at 89!!!

You say they make poor decisions and won't take advice. Have you asked them what they want? Please sit down, take a deep breath, express your concern and ask them how they want to deal with it. Take the problem areas one at a time. Go with what you have observed rather than what you've read or heard about old age. As others have mentioned, taking away the ability to drive from someone in a remote area is a seriously Bad Idea. Offer alternatives. Find other ways to get things done. A social worker could help with this. Find one. Check out resources.

When I run across this dilemma (which is often!), I try to remember what these folks have lived through over the years. Born in 1926? That means they endured WW II on the home front, followed by the rebuilding of the American economy. This is the tail end of those known as The Greatest Generation. They have always made it through with a “pull yourself up by the boot straps” mentality. The end result is that at the tender age of eighty-nine, they are highly unlikely to see the error of their ways and start cooperating. Failure to recognize and accept this fact of life only results in a great deal of frustration and aggravation for all involved.

The good news is that there are steps you can take. The business of unsafe driving is the most pressing as the consequences of an error can be dire. You can research online the policies for drivers' licenses in their state. More and more states are responding to this dilemma with a process to report an unsafe driver without identifying the reporter. The state sends the elder a letter simply requiring them to report to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles for a standard driving test. The letter states the testing is mandatory with suspension of license for failure to appear.

No doubt there will be grumbling or worse, but you can play dumb and sympathize with what an inconvenience it is. A driving test will either clear him as safe or confirm your fears with a subsequent revocation of his license.

As to keeping an eye out, the others who have responded have great ideas. All you can do is alert the local "boots on the ground" about your fears and provide your contact information. Neighbors, clergy, physicians and the Dept. of Social Services can receive this heads up.

Families facing obstinacy in an elder often can only wait for a difficult event to break through the determination to remain independent. It may take a broken hip, a loss of a driver’s license, a disconnection of the electricity for an unpaid invoice to crack open a door to accepting help. Waiting is the hardest thing to do, but laws to protect the individual's right to make their own bad choices are tight.

Do what you can and pray for it not to take too great a fiasco to get through to them. Good luck and God bless!

I was a mention for the idea of disabling the car, it's not a very good idea to tamper with someone's car unless you want the risk of getting in trouble for vehicular vandalism, so don't ever touch someone else's car. What you can do instead is to alert the local police department and Highway Patrol about any concerns or questions that you have. You can take down the license plate description of the car as well as the drivers when you approach an officer about your questions or concerns. Cops can watch out for that specific car. Again, I don't know the condition of your parents, their driving history what if they ever had any accidents. Again, there are some factors to consider. Looking at the fact that they do live in a remote area where vehicles are definitely needed, it's going to be hard to get them off the road without the need to also move them into town where vehicles aren't needed quite as much as they are in remote areas. If you remove their driving privileges, they're going to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no way to get around if services are few and far between in that area. This is why moving them to a better location is definitely going to be a must if you take them off the road. Since they happen to be stubborn, the efforts of others are definitely going to be much harder since your parents are not likely to cooperate. I don't blame them for wanting to keep their independence like everyone else would, and I suspect this is really their only intent. I think they know that since they live out in a remote area that they have a responsibility to provide for themselves if they're going to live out there. I don't think they want to be out there without every possible provision for being able to actually survive in that area. Wherever a person chooses to live will require certain requirements and provisions to adapt to that area. I'm sure your parents have legitimate reasons for being stubborn because I think they have very legitimate reasons why they do things a certain way. No one likes for someone else to come along and upset the apple cart. In other words, no one likes disruption when they have things going a certain way for them and they're content. No one likes to be bothered in an area of contentment, no one. This is why it may be time to just step back and not stress yourself any further over this if there's nothing else you can do. Like it or not, somethings are just out of our hands because it's beyond our control.

Maybe they just want to be left alone to die on their own instead of drag it out? That is what I'd want

First, I'm not sure of the condition of your dad. However, since they live in a remote area, they probably need to drive since the area is as you said, remote. Anytime you live in a remote area you have to drive since everything is so much further apart in those areas.

As for your parents being stubborn, I think we all are to some degree or another. Call it becoming set in our ways as we age. The longer we've been doing the same thing, the more ingrained it will become into us. This is why we become stubborn, because things we've been doing for so long become part of us because their second nature. Another thing to consider is that maybe your parents actually like it in their current location and they really don't want to move. Therefore, I can't really say that I blame them because living out in a wide open space is normally very expensive. I'm sure that there are things your parents really like about this area including the wide-open space. If your parents happen to be competent enough to make their own decisions, this may be one of those particular situations where you might have to step back and let whatever happens happen as sad and hard as it may be to watch. As hard as it may be, we may have to lat go and let our love ones make their own mistakes face their own consequences. Given enough times you can only hope that they will come to a point of realizing that something needs to change. Sometimes letting go and stepping back is the only option no matter what happens. Again, I know this is hard, but I had to do it with my surrogate dad at one point. You can only do so much before you've reached your limit. When you reach your limit, sometimes the only thing left to do is to step back when you're out of options and you can't get any help. The only other thing besides stepping back is to alert the APS closest to your parents. As for your dad driving, I can only wonder if he has had any accidents. If he's had no accidents, then other things should be considered such as dementia and Alzheimer's. In order to live in a remote area where vehicles are needed, a person must be able to handle such living arrangements. If your parents are no longer able to handle this kind of living arrangement, and you've tried everything possible to help them to no avail, then it's time to step back. If your dad is mentally stable enough to drive, then I'm not sure there is really going to be much of anything you can do about him driving. If by chance he's mentally able to drive and he has had no accidents then that's a very good thing. As long as he poses no threat behind the wheel then he should be fine regardless of age. Sometimes people well up until they're very old age still drive as long as they remain safe drivers. However, if there are any conditions that could hinder safe handling of a vehicle, that should be seriously considered. One condition would definitely be mental decline as well as blindness. These are two very serious conditions among others where a person should not be behind the wheel. I don't know the conditions of either of your parents, but again, sometimes all you could do is step back and watch when all else has failed. Sometimes this is all you can do until the right help along and intervenes

They need your help and advocacy. Please do whatever you can to assist them as your parents. You cannot pay people to love and protect your parents like you would--please keep that in mind. Maybe move them closer to you?

Listen to OldBob, that is about it.

But we all do send you our empathy and prayers. This is hard.

Do they have neighbors who could be paid to drive them places???? If so, you could disengage their car somehow. You can't afford to have them kill someone else. That would be a truly worst case scenario.

Hugs!

Sounds to me like a situation begging earnest prayer...And in addition, get with their local, state or even federal agencies for advice, as well as an elder care attorney. (local agencies would include social services type folk.)

Grace + peace,

Bob