<p class="">Hi Everyone. This forum is a godsend. I lurk and learn so much. My mom is 83, worked so hard her whole life and is still quite independent. She still drives and is mentally sharp. She has some pain from joints but overall does well. My problem is it is soooo hard to be around her! I love her alot but it fills me with knots being in her presence because of her negativity and inability to allow others to express themselves. She has always been this way. I know I cant change her. She takes everything as criticism, gets defensive, etc. She grew up with 8 siblings and never got her emotional needs met. I get it. I grew up the same way but after a lifetime of therapy, I am better but heaven forbid I cry in front of her. She cannot handle it. Looks away, gets physically uncomfortable. I know it's not her fault but it riles me up inside to be shut down anytime I try to express anything be it a concern, feeling etc. I grew up totally emotionally abused and suffered my entire life with bulimia. I need tips to be able to be around someone who is headstrong, passive-aggressive, emotionally void. I feel like nothing ever gets resolved because she gets so defensive and takes it as a personal attack and says Im "fighting with her". She is controlling and I have never heard her say "Im sorry" to anyone because she feels it's a sign of weakness. She constantly tells me what to do and any attempt to stop that behavior is met with hetrgetting mad. She truly is a wonderful person but was/is unavailable emotionally. Help!! Thanks in advance to all of the amazing rockstars on this site!
My mother is controlling, opinionated, domineering. She thinks everyone wants to hear her blathering on and on. She never lets anyone get a word in and will interrupt and cut people off mid sentence. It's rude and very unprofessional in any relationship. The word 'sorry' does not exist in her vocabulary...and lately nor do the words 'please' and 'thank you'....it's annoying beyond words. She has no friends and her phone does not ring because of these behaviors. Recently one of her friends she has known for 50+ years told her to kick rocks and she wasn't polite about it, she didn't sugar coat anything. Afterwards (I was witness to the incident) my mother didn't even consider for a second that perhaps it was something she had done, she just launched into a tirade and personal attack against her friend. She becomes defensive every time someone calls her out on her behavior. My son and daughter no longer want to be around her...not even to say 'Hi' because of the behaviors. She is critical of anyone in her field of view, treats people like servants (recently referred to me as her chauffeur and eluded to the fact she would like to continue doing so) and lays down judgement on others regularly. Lastly, walks around praising Jesus, shouting 'Amen' at ridiculous unnecessary situations and claiming she is going to Heaven above all others, so we better..."Listen to her"...
It's excruciating, there are days I actually fantasize about the future when I can leave this caregiving guilt trip in my rear view mirror. I have tried for years to do this and please my mother to no avail.
Clearly one answer is to stop trying to win the ‘please me’ game. The next step is to stop worrying about the game and her role in it. If that doesn’t help, the next step is to see that she is safe and cared for, and then stop contact. You are NOT going to ‘please your mother’.