I am still working some and have some overnight travel involved. Calling to check on her is the only thing I can do at this point. She is not a danger to herself, but doesn't make good decisions. One day she let in 2 guys to demonstrate a vacuum cleaner... but won't let a hired person in to look after her.
She doesn't cook and forgets to eat. I leave things for her to put in the microwave but she doesn't follow instructions. She still drives and will go up to the corner to get a sandwich from Wendy's or Bojangles. She is 82.
Now mom just thinks she shows up on Tuesdays and Thursdays to hang around on a long lunch break until 'she goes to her next job' which there isn't any. Mom thinks next job is in the area and that she is helping my friend out so she doesn't have to travel all the way home and back again. It was the only way I could do this and it has worked out perfectly. Hated lying about it, but I needed help and so did she. She also is there for dad. So I can vouch that yes, knowing the person makes a big difference. At least in my case. I handle all of the admin and payment offsite and she doesn't wear a uniform so it doesn't feel like caregiving. It feels more like a friendly visit.
I know it is costly but well worth the price. If the house is yours then you can say the person coming in is there to help you while you are away.
It is also time to take the keys to her car away. Her impaired decision making puts her and the public in serious jeopardy. Be safe.
If you would like your mom to be comfortable having someone come in to help her do a trial run with her a few times. Be there with her and have someone come in for a few hours while you are there. Let your mom get used to the person. After a few days of this leave for an hour or so while the person is there. Do this a few times. Gradually leave your mom alone with the person and see how that works out.
If elderly people insist on staying in their home even when they need help then sacrifices have to be made on their part.
Either she doesn't have dementia or she shouldn't be driving alone, by the way.
So what do you do when a person with dementia won't allow anyone to come into the house? You make it clear they have no choice.
If you don't resolve this issue, you are likely to have Adult Protective Services knocking on the door.