I live with my grandmother as an agreement reached before her failing mental health and the death of my grandpa, her husband of 73 years. Her POA has moved from California to be near us and is aware of her failing mental state. She tells me I overreact after continuously begging her for help. My mother has summoned her to find help, even providing numbers and names and how to yet she has failed to do so. How can I go about making use of that information? I can’t wait anymore I will end up in the hospital with a heart attack. I am 45 years old and these last 2 years have been a slippery slope. family visits for maybe 2 hours once a week, she def does the "show timers" thing and she’s acting out in front of my 11-year-old daughter. the POA has made no attempt whatsoever in FEAR SHE WOULD BE BLAMED FOR PUTTING HER IN A HOME. I need help!
Whatever living arrangement has been made you need to look for other arrangements if placing grandma in a facility is in the future.
Send a letter, I would send certified, to the POA and inform the POA that under the current conditions you can no longer SAFELY care for grandma.
Outline what changes need to be made in order for you to continue caring for her.
Pick a date that the changes need to be made by. If there has been no improvement then tell the POA that for grandma's safety and yours you will no longer be able to care for her.
You could contact APS and inform them that as of (give the date you gave POA) grandma will be an at risk senior living by herself with no caregiver.
I tried everything
Before going all legal, leaving, APS etc - how about a family intervention? If Mom is in your corner, arrange a meeting with Mom, POA, Grandmother & yourself. This is where good old fashioned clear honest talk comes in.
Keep it simple.
Grandma needs more help.
State I am willing to do THIS much (list it). OTHER help must be arranged to fill the gaps: in-home or AL/NH.
Ask Grandma what her preferences are. She may have insight or not, but it's good to involve her & see how she feels about things.
The POA's priority seems to be avoiding a NH or maybe avoiding any strangers (or avoid spending $). This is SO common. Or plain old denial. Again, common (unfortunately).
Explain a NEW way to look at things is to change the priorities to *ensuring Grandmother has enough care*.
Maybe the POA made the mistake of promising 'No Nursing Home ever'. Silly - but people do.. POA can arrange copious amounts of in-home care without breaking that promise anyway.
Grandma has dementia and is probably not decisional so asking her preference is probably not going to work.
I can only guess that you moved in with your grandmother for financial reasons. Do you have an income that would make it possible for you to leave?
If Grandma is not competent, this might be a good time to contact an Elder Law Attorney about having a court appointed Conservator/Guardian who will act in your Grandmother’s best interest.
These are really tough situations. Best Wishes
Many caregivers come to forum after years of caring for elders without a clear contract for pay to tell us them are homeless, jobless, and with broken physical and mental health. This is to say nothing about what they subject their children to if they drag them into these situations.
I wish you good luck.