My mother has been in home for 2 years and while she is pleasant, she is constantly referring to boyfriends, parties, and seems to see me as her sister. This is especially difficult for my father as well. It is becoming difficult to visit yet she may live for years. If it wasn't for my father's sake, I'm not sure I would continue to visit on a regular basis. Have I finally given up on mom? Should I?
My father never had dementia, but it was difficult to visit him every day. I would go every other day and as time passed I tried to think of him as a person who was facing the end of his life. He wanted to know that his life had some meaning, I listened to the stories no matter how many times I heard them.
As we visited our parents, we felt our hearts were being ripped from our chest. We grieved every loss as it happened. It's not an easy road. In my case, I'm glad I kept going. I did have to "let go" of the image I had of my parents and see them as they are in the present moment. Which made the visits a little easier.
Sherry, I don't think you have given up, you are grieving the loss of the mother you have always known. She is no longer there but yet she is. I suggest you read the book by Pauline Boss, "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia". It will help you to understand why you feel what you feel as you journey through this disease with your mother. I also suggest that when you visit her and she thinks you are her sister, just go with the flow on it, don't try to convince her otherwise because her reality is very true to her even though you know it is not real. An example: Yesterday my mom called me ( I was just at her house 5 min. earlier), when I answered the phone, she asked if I was Sharyn or "K"(my sister), I said Sharyn. She responded, this does not sound like Sharyn, I said, I have a cold mom. She sarcastically replied, well so do I!! Then she said, I will call back later when Sharyn is there. I calmly said ok. She called back 10 minutes later and everything was fine, she knew who I was. My father passed in 2003 from Alzheimer's. The last 2 1/2 years of his life he was in a snh. I visited him 2-3 times a week. Quite often he sat with his chin to his chest dozing. I would talk with him about the grandchildren and what was going with everyone in the family. This one particular day, I could not get him to wake up enough to talk, so after about 30 minutes, I gave him a kiss and said I was going to go now dad, I love you. As I walked away, he said, "Don't Go". I was so shaken by his comment because I didn't think he could hear or comprehend anything I said. I sat back down and he was awake for about 30 minutes while we talked together. I cherish that memory of him and I learned that even though he may not seem to be awake, he was listening to me and enjoying what I was saying though he could not respond back. They are in there, but they are in their own world that does include you, so enjoy where your loved is at the moment even if you have to their sister, a childhood friend, or their deceased mother. It is worth it to have cherished memories of them. Hugs to you!!
If you mean give up as in this isn't my real mom and I want her back then yes you need to give up. The mom you knew no longer exists and short of a miracle, your mom is never coming back. That was the hardest part for me and its called denial. I got into counseling to help me. As long as I live, I'll remember the day I accepted that my dad was gone and not coming back. It was more difficult than the day he died. I still cry about it.
This disease is horrible for everyone. I pray every single day for those with it and for those who are caring for someone with it.
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