My elderly LO (75) might need a large surgery and has asked my teenager to be the one to do round-the-clock post-surgical care. My teenager is starting college in a week, has very limited experience caring for others, and has trouble lifting more than a purse due to a rare disease my kids and I have. My daughter says she doesn't feel comfortable doing it. She is worried about missing signs of a serious health problem and not being able to handle her college courses especially since it's her first semester (Freshman.)
Our LO has a very challenging personality on a good day. Past surgeries have been hard to help with after. There is a lot of yelling and constant demands. We are a family with lots of post-surgical experience and know our limits. To add perspective, my oldest daughter had complex spinal surgery as a teen with steel rods implanted and major complications and her recovery was easier to deal with than our LO's emotional reaction to a much more minor surgery.
There are no other family members either able or willing to help. Sadly, she really had offended a lot of people lately, so the universal feedback is - what's wrong with rehab?
What's the best (and most loving) way to handle this situation?
In 1965, my grandma fell and broke her hip. She was 80, still working 3 days a week at Macy's Herald Square, living alone and quite demanding of her daughters ( but not, of course, her sons).
Her hip was surgically repaired. Rehab was a new idea back then--Medicare had just been passed.
My GMA excitedly called all her friends and said " I'm to be an invalid--my daughters will care for me." She was clearly looking forward to this.
My mother was a SAHM with 3 kids, including a 2 year old. The hospital suggested that GMA could go to this new-fangled thing called "rehab" and grandma snorted. "My family will care for me".
My mom got wind of all this and said "Mother, you are going to rehab. I cannot care for you if you can't walk. I cannot care for someone who is bedridden."
My GMA was incensed. "You'd send me to live amongst STRANGERS???" she bellowed. My mom said yes, if that's what it would take to get her on her feet again.
You can love someone and not accede to their unreasonable demands. You might say I learned to say "no" from my mom. It's a lesson I'm grateful for.
Sadly, I did care for my mom way too long.
My daughters said, “Mom, one day we will take care of you like you did for grandma.”
My response was, “Like hell you will! Thanks for offering, but I will never allow you to make the same mistakes that I made.”
They both said to me that they were sorry that I felt as if I had to take care of grandma so long and thanked me for not expecting them to do the same.
It really does change our family dynamics when daughters are expected to carry the heavy burden of caregiving responsibilities throughout their lives.
Sometimes, sons are expected to be there too, although not as often.
Geez. What a selfish narcissist. Please say NO and don't traumatize your kid.
This demanding person needs to be stood up to; forget the 'loving' part.
SERIOUSLY?????????? I couldn't even begin to tell him all the things that were wrong with this scenario, the biggest one being: the girls do not even KNOW their ggma. Not at all. Like, couldn't pick her out of a lineup. And she doesn't know them!
MIL is also VERY demanding and hard to deal with. Even tho the pay was going to pretty amazing, not ONE of 4 grand girls took the bait.
My SIL, who is a Dr said that this was a terrible idea--for so many reasons. He stated that if gma had a bad fall or even DIED on their watch, it would be scarring for them-what was DH even thinking?? It helped that SIL weighed in on this b/c my DH was so adamant that this would work really well. (He was desperate at this point).
Rehab exists for this reason. My MIL is like a lot of older entitled people. They want what they want and don't care about anyone else.
Period.
The doctor will order rehab where the professional care will be what the patient needs.
That is the most loving thing you can do.
Nix the idea of grandchildren being caregivers immediately!
Rehab is the best and only solution!
My mom was so affected by her caregiving as a teenager that when I volunteered as a teenager at our local children’s hospital, she made me quit.
I did well with the teenage kids in the gym. I loved playing basketball with them. They were in wheelchairs and would shoot hoops daily.
I had a tougher time emotionally when I interacted with the younger kids.
I came home from Children’s Hospital crying one day, because I became attached to this one little girl who was going to die.
I was angry with my mom for not allowing me to continue volunteering on Saturdays. Later on, I realized that it was because of what she went through when she was younger, being a caregiver for her aunt.
The answer is no. Your family member will have to accept that. If they don't then they will have a very hard recovery ahead of themselves.
You must speak very plainly to this family member and make sure they know in no uncertain terms that neither you nor your daughter can provide the care she needs.
If she refuses to understand and accept this and decides to get srubborn about it because she thinks you'll come through, she will have to learn a hard lesson like so many other seniors do.
Is this her grandmother? Your mother? Your mother-in-law?
Best to let the LO know ASAP so that she can get used to the idea of rehab after her surgery.
See All Answers