Should I contact the attorneys who drew up the POA naming me as POA, my sister as secondary, based on the information they gathered from our mother with NO input from us?
My sister refuses to assist me in any way with the care of our mother to the extent of she has refused to take our mother to the hospital when our mother called her twice in the past few months in pain and sick. When she called me, I took her and she was admitted each time, once with a dx of liver disease, very sick, and this last time with pneumonia and she was placed into the ICU. The only reason my mom called her these two times was she feels bad calling me for everything. That is what my mom said to me. We had an argument earlier in the day of the second occasion, but mom says that is NOT why she did not call me first. However, my sister proceeded to say that my mother had pneumonia due to this argument, to, imo, deflect that she refused to help her. I finally had the Dr. call my sister and tell her that was insane.
When I tried to call my sister to try to discuss our mom after discharge, she began screaming and cussing me, not the first time, and I allowed her to do it, again, and when she was not relenting, saying "Oh, I see, now you want to go home, huh, you want a break so you call me? Well, you wanted control and you got it..blah blah" same old song and dance that i have been hearing for over a year and I have told her repeatedly that I did not ask for this, I was as surprised as her. I have offered it to her, begged her to take it, etc. When I try to talk to her about why she will not help at all, all I get is "Eff you". She is angry and I am exhausted. I finally told her that I am done, I do not need her say so, or to confer with her. I am not asking for permission when I have called, I am trying to involve her but I am done. I will do what is best for mom, and as she has taken this stand repeatedly, I will not take the abuse anymore. To not contact me. I told her I would go to counselling with her or whatever is needed but as it stands, not be cussed or screamed at any longer.
There has been a lot of work needed to take care of mom, a lot. Her kitchen was found to have black mold that had encroached to the extent that the entirety of her kitchen and dining room had to be redone. I did all of it, and this was through TGiving and Christmas, then with her last illness beginning Dec. 26. My wedding anniversary is NYE and I spent that in my moms hosp. room with my spouse, toasting it with my mom with cider.
I am doing all that I can, had no vacation last year to my sisters two as my sister told me tough luck when I asked if she would take mom to the Dr. on the only Friday that I could get away with my husband. She said no, she had drinks planned that evening with ex coworkers. Hello? She could do both.
I finally have hired a daily weekly caregiver and applied for a VA pension, which had unreal paperwork and took me forever, to cover this to try to find some relief.
I, myself, am not well with some serious illnesses, VTach with a implanted defib, brain tumor, rare crippling autoimmune disease CIDP, etc., and I do not work. My sister still works, which is one of the reasons that they chose me to be the DPOA. We are both her healthcare POA. As i understand that, though, it is really more of her DNR. My sister thinks it is so she can sign things to check her into the hospital, etc., but it incenses me when she shows up there, as she did with this last thing, and tries to act as if she is the decision maker for mom's health when she has NO idea what meds she is on, what her situation is, etc. She has not taken her to one appt. to the 25 I did last year, nor helped with any of mom's needs, like finding a new medicare ins. company, etc. She has no clue the extent of work this requires, and all that she has ever done is complain about her job anyway. I may not work, but I work at other things in my life and my own Dr. appts. more than I can tell anyone.
So, here is my question. Do I contact the attorneys regarding her hostility toward me and our mom and ask if she should be removed? I have no help and cannot even take vacation. She feels no obligation to mom at all and she did sign as the secondary POA and it is her duty to take care of mom in my absence. I am very concerned that she will not. Sorry for the long dissertation but it is what it is. When I try to talk to mom, she says, "I cant hurt one of my kids" and who she is hurting is me, not her. They see this as a popularity contest, not the burden that it is. I accept this and my sister could help minimally and it would be ok but to hate me more than she loves our mother is unacceptable and her behavior and lies and lack of control of her temper has to stop. I am doing the best that I can, I reject the joint executrix mom has assigned. She will do that alone. The funeral is pd. for.
There are several articles here and many on the internet about narcissism in families, and about detaching which helps you to cope. One book by Karyl McBride - "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" has helped some people here. There are other good books too and web sites about narcissism and children or daughters of narcissists etc.
What you can do to make your life more manageable is the following:
establish boundaries - like refusing to participate in abusive conversations by walking away of hanging up,
give up the idea that they will ever change and grieve the absence of the mother and sister you needed and never had
learn about narcissism and how to deal with narcissists.
get support by going to a therapist and coming to groups like this one
This is how I have slowly come out of the FOG which is manipulation by fear obligation and guilt which narcissists use heavily.
They do what they can to destroy your self-esteem and you have to rely on others who are healthy to give you positive feedback.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))) I know how tough it is.
You have to take a stand and do what you think is right, Yes, it is hard when you have no support. My mother took her anger out on my father too and me, then when he died they both turned on me. I did not attend his funeral as they were being so nasty and I could not cope with my grief and their nastiness. I went across country to see him before he died at his request.
It is a difficult journey. ((((((hugs))))) hope my sharing helps.
It sounds like you have some good young people to help you and back you up and for your mother's sake and your own sake, I hope you let them help you. Give up on your sister as it will only lead to more aggravation for you. She is not a healthy person and trying to force her to be responsible is a losing battle.
Good luck to you (((((((((((hugs)))))))
This is horrible because she lives in a world of imagined misdeeds and jealously. I choose to forget the bad as much as I can, she only embraces it. She is bitter and angry, I try to push that away. We are so different and the same and I dearly would love to have her in my life but never, ever, ever again. Ever. I have taken her lashings and beat downs, verbally, since 1983, as much as I allowed myself to go around her, and for the last 5 years, a lot. I hoped she would get over it. I went to her house last summer, spent the day with her, and I got on my knees beside her on the deck and told her how much I loved her and wanted her in my life, and hoped she would understand I would never hurt her. She is full of mistrust and petty fears. I am not the enemy but she cannot see anything, has no friends, gets fried from all her jobs. It is very sad. I told her once, when she said she runs everyone off, that she could never run me off but she finally did. I cannot take it any longer.
I gave up on her stepping up and that is where my concern does come in. Mom could need help were I to go out of town. But I am thinking a grand daughter not a legal person or stranger. Someone like that. I have four daughters, and young man in our life like a son and two nephews, most of which would be thrilled to step in. Three are nurses and one has a double medical degree. So, any one of them may suffice. But my sister has definitely shown she will not be bothered. When I say it is her duty, it is her duty because she signed those documents, legally, to be the secondary if I go out of town, am not available, and that is her responsibility.
So look into getting a geriatric care manager (GCM) to act as a secondary when you're not available. Meet a couple of them and get them on board with your mom's needs and if you're not available (or want to take a vacation), the GCM takes over. They're not free, but they are professional (often former nurses). They can make sure mom is getting the care she needs when you need a break.
Your sister isn't going to step up, so just quit giving her info. I did that with my brother. I was knocking myself out to make sure my brother knew everything that went on with our mom. I finally realized he didn't really care. Once I stopped doing that, my life got much easier. He didn't fight me like your sister does, but it was still a lot of work for me for nothing. Now I make all of the decisions and don't ask for his input. We're both happy.
The second the attorney said I was primary, my sister puffed up and I said, then and there, are you ok with this. I knew she would not be but it is not ok to be joint and I don't think you can have joint for a DPOA can you? You must appoint primary and secondary? That is how we were led to understand it. It would not work any other way, but we all know that huh?
My mom is blind and hearing impaired to the point you want to jump off an airplane wing along with the dementia. I would like someone else to be able to step up because I do want to be able to go on vacations or wherever and no worry the entire time that no one will take care of her. My sister just refuses and it is not just shirking, it is purposefully refusing, to the tune of "You wanted it, you got it" and I do not understand that at all. I have told her, Mom told her and the Attorneys even called her and told her, it was their recommendation. I had NOTHING to do with it, end of story. But if your 83 year old mom calls you and says she cannot breathe will you help and you blow her off, you have no business being anyone's caregiver or decision maker period. She needs to go, sorry.
It seems that it would be better for you to act as if you were an only child and make plans accordingly. Who knows, perhaps you and your sister would get along better if you stopped expecting her to step up and do what she obviously has no intention of doing. If your mom has a new poa drawn up sis can go back to her selfish? ways and you can continue to get on with it without her interference.