We want my mother-in-law to move nearby but she will only do it if she lives with us. How do we prepare for this?

I need to let you know that Assisted Living DOES NOT provide care. The words are misleading and many people have made the mistake of putting their loved ones in assisted living and no care is provided. It is communal living with a shared dining room, laundry and housecleaning services and that is it. It sounds like your MIL needs to either live with "somebody" who has the time to look after her needs or she should go into a Long Term Care facility. Good Luck !!

Just reading your question leaves me with the impression that having your mil live with you and your family is a bad idea. You could run the risk of resenting her presence and disruption of your family. My mil lived with us for 4 years and after she tried to kill herself we moved her to a home. She had blamed me for her unhappiness - this, after her daughter couldn't deal with her personality. I have told our children that I would never live with them - and no matter what I say, begging or whatever - find me a place where I will be comfortable and taken care of - with no regrets.
I am 83 - taking care of my husband who has dementia and learning that every day presents a different problem and to say - he can't help it. This is what it is.

74 is just so young & really you are looking at another 20 years! I wouldn't do it.

Now 1 point in all this which hasn't come up is $$.
How much monthly income does MIL get and what are all her assets? the costs for home health need to be coming from her if she has the funds. She has SS, so there is some money. What other funds are there? Personally I'd do Quicken or Quick books on all this from day 1. This will be important for if & when your mom moves in and hubby starts backing off on paying for things as it;s your mom and doesn't want to spend his $ on your mom.

What realistically will your hubby do? Will he just dump everything to you? would he get down on his knees and clean up pee from the floor? Will he take 20 minutes to help his mom get dressed and get her walker set up each morning? Will he drive his mom down to Dallas to be seen by the gerontology specialists at UT Southwestern, will he schedule her appointments and do all the insurance follow-up needed for his mom?

in alot of ways since your mom still isn't living with you all but plans to be I'd use that as a big negotiation tool in all this. Like say to your hubby....if you are not going to do this for your mom, then either I need to have a personal services contract to be paid to do this for your mom and then we will do the same with my mom OR if not then your mom hires home health care to do all this for her OR she moves into an independent living facility (I'd make it a short drive like in Allen or up in Sherman). I'd start looking for IL right now on my own and have the list ready.
If there is an IL facility that is part of a bigger "tiered" facility, I'd put her on a list for that place. By tiered it means it goes from IL to AL to NH. In theory, they move along the system as they age and their needs change. IL in these places is often pretty reasonable in cost as the big profit center is the AL facility.

About the November visit, I'd find a way to need to go away for 3 maybe 4 days to see my family (take your kids too or have it so that dad can't dump on them) so that he has to deal 24/7 with her.

About the elevator, they are expensive. We looked into them when rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina as we are at 25' elevation. Indoor/inside elevator about 30K and requires annual inspection and do effect your house value negatively. We did a exterior utility lift instead for about 8K but technically these are for "packages" that weight under 230 lbs. Having her upstairs will be a problem eventually, she needs to be on the ground floor and then have all the doors changed or removed so that she can get around in her walker. Retrofitting a bathroom for her...and that bathroom will be kinda nasty so you all won't want to use it. Maybe need to remove all rugs too or change flooring if she has a shuffle walk (my mom had this as she has Lewy Body dementia, all rugs removed) I think it's unfair to give grannie one of your kids room too. They will be coming home from college and perhaps even grad school - speak with the kids about this honestly. Our son refers to his room as his refuge of last resort and he kinda needs to know that it is there for him no matter what as long as we have this house. Please include your kids in these discussions. You would be crushed if your kids just stopped coming home because it's all filled with old lady smells and stuff and with no privacy

"WE" I presume is not the correct word to start your question!

By the way, what kind of care does your husband want to provide for his mom? Does he suggest an ALF at all? Or is he leaving it to you to decide??

I am thinking, she might benefit from a nutritionist and some rehab when she comes to you. Perhaps that could raise her level of self care and mobility. And take some of the responsibility from you. Adult day care a few days a week might be an option or a paid companion. See what services she is elegible for.

I am 75 and my mother is 101 and still going strong except for her mind so she is getting more difficult to deal with. She is still in an ALF and I am 5 hrs drive away and the stress of even distance caregiving has affected my health. Do you really want to sign on for that ,any years of hands-on caregiving? I would give this very careful thought. It is not too late to make other arrangements like an ALF near you. Apparently your mil is of sound mind so she can make decisions. I agree that your husband must be involved in some fashion. Even with her in an ALF there are things to do. Remember she will only decline over time and need more and more care. Then you say you will have to care for your own mum.

What do your kids think of this? They and your husband and yourself are your first responsibility. I think having your mil in your home with her pets will be extremely disruptive to your family life and your kids will suffer. They are at a very critical stage on their lives where they need your support as they launch into young adulthood. I would not used them to entice your mil. Their needs must come first. Think about it carefully.

Caregiving sounds and is noble. BUT there are serious sacrifices and potential bombs if not planned appropriately. You need to have VERY clear boundaries when it comes to caregiving. It sounds MUCH easier than it is. You will need to schedule breaks during the week, long weekends and vacation. Call Home Instead or other caregiver providers (including family members) and schedule these breaks with experienced caregivers. Your caregiving will include but not be limited to: doctors appointments, shopping, preparing food, changing diapers, bathing, getting her in and out of bed and into a wheelchair, picking her up when she falls (and then eventually you will have to call paramedics because she won't be able to help you at all), laundry, cleaning, yada yada yada. It is never ending. Then you will have to deal with the volume of the television - get headsets for her.

I love caring for my Mom - but know that without real love and grace, it would be impossible to serve her well.

Tell your husband he MUST be involved otherwise you will not do it. Seriously.

Can you go spend a week at her place to assess the needs before she moves?

Debdee28 is so spot on. Read her comment often. You are having second thoughts already and she's not even living with you..Discuss this with your husband and children. Show your husband the posts from this site..

Your post shows that you are having serious second thoughts about this arrangement. Now is the time to speak up, because once your mother-in-law arrives, your well-founded concerns will become a reality.
You mentioned several issues, including your husband’s lack of involvement, her pets, her frailty, her incontinence. These issues do not include the surprises that you have yet to discover – and there are sure to be things that don’t know about yet, or have not considered. The dynamic could present a real threat to your existing family life. It might be uncomfortable and difficult for you to speak up about this now, but it won’t be any easier after she has arrived and you discover the magnitude of what you have taken on. Spend a few minutes reading the multitude of posts by others who are similarly situated; it will give you candid insights about the challenges you will face with this situation.

Oh gosh ya'll are helpful. I don't know if she needs all that much care... yet. She has been "living" in her own home this whole time without assistance. And I think being around people more she might actually end up getting a lot better and live to 100! But the feet will always be an issue so she will go from our downstairs guest room to the kitchen. Which of course has been our family hub. Not that I don't want to include her but it's just the ALL THE TIME thing that is sticking. She just won't ever leave the house without us I am quite sure. The other sister lives too far to be of any help except maybe once a year we can have her go there for a month? I'm only 46. I am thinking my mother in law with our care will live 10 more years. I'll be 56 then my mom will be 83 and come live with us. She will live to be 100 and I'll be 75 and start livin the life! (Sorry for the pity party, I have it better than soooo many).

So let me throw this out. We have 2 staircases (Texas houses are big) We could add an elevator and put her in the room with bathroom that was our daughters (she's in college). It's roomier and affords us more privacy. Is it unrealistic though? When I mentioned one of those seat elevators she said she'd feel a million years old and somehow we said guests could use that room since we are trying to coax her here, but really that is where I would like her to be if it going to be long term - especially with a cat.

It sounds like your MIL needs assisted living rather than in-home care with cats/dogs/kids underfoot. If that is not the plan, in-home caregiver should be the minimum requirement you place on this arrangement. In view of the distance between you now, I understand why you would have no idea of the time/energy commitment this all involves. Will her bedroom and bath be on the main floor. No stairs involved? Bring in someone to evaluate the home environment. Area and throw rugs-- gone. Access to bathroom --- higher toilets, shower chairs, grab bars will all be required. Medicaid is a state run plan, you will have to apply in your state. I agree she should be nearer to family. Does your sister-in-law live near you? What will her contribution be? Time? Money? Aides will have to be paid and that is expensive, call some agencies and ask what the going rate is. Will your MIL's income cover that?

Wow where to began. Begin with your husband. He "has" to be the involved in her care, if you think he's not going to be involved fully then DO NOT have her live with you. I can hear you now,"well he is very busy at work" blah,blah,blah. It's his mother!

If he'll feel better emotionly that she lives closer to him then AL or Nh is probably the best option, if he is not going to commit to her care giving daily..

You Need to let your husband know that this is a full time job and you should not be obligated to take it on.

Think long and hard before you leap into this!