I am tired of smoothing things over w/dad because of son who wants no part of his day to day care. Since mom's death, I have looked after dad. We only live 1 mile apart, I am oldest (58) & only daughter. Brother “A” comes with his wife regularly on weekends to assist with household repairs while Brother “B” and his wife are too busy living their lives, traveling, entertaining friends at their cottage, and partying every chance they get. I take dad to all his appointments, pay his bills, manage his pills, do his laundry, drive him anywhere he needs to go since he lost his license, take him grocery shopping, prepare special low sodium meals for him. When asked to help, sister in law says it is impossible for my brother “B” & he has “shut down” NOW on dad to make it easier on himself when dad is gone! WTF? He’s made it clear, dad is a burden ...... How do dad and I reconcile with this? Help please.
Also, I have MS (relapsing remitting) and life is getting harder for me. Could really use some assistance after going it alone for almost nine years. Is it right for two children to do everything, while one (“B”) does nothing? Please help me understand. Thank you
"I have MS (relapsing remitting) and life is getting harder for me."
You do a lot for your father. About how many hours/day to you spend meeting his needs?
We often see posters on this site wanting to know how to make their non-participatory siblings (or other family members) take part in caregiving. And the short answer is you can't. No, it isn't right, but there's a lot in life that isn't right or fair. You simply can't change someone else's behavior.
You have to accept that this brother won't do anything for your father.
You can step back, too, though. Your health is now being affected.
Your father could hire someone to do at least some of the things you do for him.
What is the plan for if/when he needs more help? It sounds like he would be a good candidate for Assisted Living now.
You cannot change another person's decision to step away--you can be angry and feel shortchanged, but there is probably a reason brother stepped away---you want to, he did. Are you feeling jealous b/c he set boundaries and you don't feel you can?
Talk to dad and explain that you are burned out, You love him, but cannot continue with this level of CG. TELL him, don't ask, about PT aides. I worked as one for years and I KNOW the blessing I was to the families. I did ALL the 'grunt work', but it was my JOB and I could go home and not live it 24/7.
As you yourself have health issues, you need to step back.
Let the other brother continue on weekends as they see fit. You do not need to see your dad everyday, you need to set some boundaries.
I often think, as women/moms/daughters, we feel the pull to make everything be OK and in honesty, we rarely can.
Call and agency TODAY and get dad evaluated as to what he needs to help lift your burden.
Let uninvolved brother just be uninvolved. Thinking about it will just make you mad.
I hear you, loud and clear. I empathize with you. I am not going to criticize you. I got enough criticism from my family to last me ten billion lifetimes!
I will tell you what happened to me. You have to make your own choices. Simply put, I burned out! My brothers never helped me.
We do get upset, angry about doing it all ourselves! It is too much for one person. It just is. The fact that you have MS makes it even worse. So much worse!
Guess what, after lots of therapy, help from this forum and me just getting fed up, I QUIT! I just quit! I told mom if she wasn’t happy with all that I did for her then she could let my ‘know it all’ brother take over.
Mom is living with my brother and SIL now and hired help for them! She didn’t pay a penny to get for help for me. I was the daughter who was expected to do it all for free.
I sacrificed everything for mom, my home, privacy with hubby and kids, my job, going out with friends, etc. I loved my parents and was always the kid closest to them. My brothers, eh...they came around for money and a free meal.
Mom stirred things up. When I learned to set boundaries she couldn’t handle it. She complained to my brothers. They marched in like heroes so I surrendered my responsibility to them. I’d say it backfired big time in their faces!
My brother even tried to threaten me with elder abuse because mom did not get her every wish. Isn’t it interesting though, her doctors praised me for my good care of mom.
For my own sanity I had to go no contact with my brothers. I have only spoken to mom a couple of times on the phone. I refuse to have a relationship with my toxic brothers. I grieve for the brothers I wanted them to be. I am not missing out on not being involved in their craziness.
Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. Sure, they have a right not to be involved but to criticize those who are involved is out of line. The criticism became too unsettling for me to continue to deal with.
Being a caregiver was the toughest job I ever had. I took my mother in after she lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. It was an emotionally heart wrenching time and I wasn’t thinking clearly about the ramifications of being a full time caregiver. I wish that I had made it a temporary solution and then placed her into a facility.
All I can say is that if you are no longer the primary caregiver for your dad you will feel the weight of the world off of your shoulders. My life is so much better. Perfect? Absolutely not! No one has a perfect life.
I deal with depression from the after effects but I am seeing a therapist. It helps. Life is a journey. We are all works in progress.
I sincerely wish you the very best in life and hope you find the right solution for you and your father.
It sounds like it's time to hire help or put dad into assisted living, where someone else takes care of the day to day and you (and Brother A) can visit dad as your health and energy allows. If the idea of this makes you feel guilty, find a therapist and work through it. Your health and happiness is important. best wishes.
Frankly, I would not "cover" for brother - he is what he is, and there is no reason for Dad to think otherwise. Can I suggest you hire help with Dad's money and also work out a caregiver contract so you are paid fairly for what you do?
Others who cannot,... don't worry about them.. you need only to focus on you...
But I do have a friend whose sister finally retired... My Friend said, " Great !! It's your turn to take care of Mom !" Start looking for a facility near you... I'm moving her near you and her grandkids :) "
You are free to make your choices. You choose to support your father as you are doing. As this becomes increasingly difficult for you, you will need to look for other services and resources which can gradually take the load off you; but it's no good wishing for that help from someone who you know is not prepared to give it.
Your one brother makes his choices. It is important to him that he sees your father regularly and he does what he can to help.
Your other brother makes his choices. He finds it difficult to manage his relationship with his father as part of his life and finds it easier to write him off. This upsets you, I myself think it's a pity, I'd even go so far as to say that your brother may come to regret it; but the point is that only your brother can decide what he is prepared to do.
I can't see any way for you to explain second brother's attitude to your father without either lying about it or hurting your father's feelings. So I think I would just say that I can't explain, and leave it there. Not every question has an answer, after all.
Don't leave your SIL to be the intercessor, though. Talk to your brother, if you want to, but gently. There's nothing wrong with wanting to understand what he's thinking, but there would be a lot wrong with trying to force him to act differently.
You need more help, but he's not going to be your source. Is there money for hiring help? If he has no money and needs a lot of care, he might be ready to go in a nursing home. There is only so much that YOU can do and you do need to take care of yourself FIRST.
I care for a girlfriend who firstly came to live with me. ...after moving close to me with intention of buying own place
She has never married 64 yrs old.
Always lived with mum before death. Then her sister. Who up andmoved 400 klms away
During process of buying her own place. Had meltdown big time
...hospital 7 weeks. Came out with a diagnosis of early dementia
My life has changed so much. I do everything
Cook. Clean drive drs etc etc. She isn't bad but i feel lazy more than anything...i got her into routine. She can shower herself dress etc but will sit back and let me do it which at first i didn't mind
But after watching her on her pc all day. And mobile. She is mostly capable
But sadly she is a handful and can be very defiant and cunning (which was never her nature )
It cost her nothing to live with me. While her unit sits empty
Like the past weekend told her i needed help in garden. So she didnt get out of bed till 6pm
She sometimes wetsthe bed too which i clean up. Refuses to wear protection
Im sure there is more a psych problem there but if she wants something she gets it. If she thinks she can be pampered again sheloves it
My issue is her family say shes always been like this
And think im wonder woman (stents recently inserted in my aorta 18months ago) get very exhausted all the time
She has troubles making decisions and can be very slow should we need to get to drs etc
This is all overthe shop sorry
I guess im saying her brother and sister give me orders
Yet they hardly ever ring. Come to see her
To sum it up nicely its like looking after. 5. 3 yr old kids
I think 2 years is enough but she has this fear of being alone
I give her little chores to do only to find they don't get done. Ans:i forgot or i didn'tfeel like doing it
But she has this diagnosis of early stage dementia after being seen by geriatian for 3 days in hosp
Gp thinks depression and lazy by nature and taking advantage
And tells me to walk away and let her do things herself. but i cant since we have been friends over 55yrs
Her family sent hugh parcels here at xmas for her. Im must be very selfish because i was half expecting a card at least.
No
My friends all tell me im a fool. Her family knows she is safe here and looked after but never seen them. Get the odd call
In the meantime it can be a continual battle to get her out of bed
Always loved her bed even 15 yrs ago
Getting organised
Being able to plan things
Have a life again
Love her to death but dont like how im expected to do all
Whinge over
Im 64. She is 65.
My kids visit her often but just know her as they did when babies
Not sure what to do
Sister hates drs. And refuses to believe any of them
Phew. Get a cup of tea now. Soz. Cheers
So many of my friends who know her and have seen me say. She is pulling your chain and that ive aged 10 years and a fool ????
What would you guys suggest
Pls dont say talk to sister
In her eyes she is fine but said to nieve an inconvience to have visit her
Aghhhhhh
Don't try to smooth things over with your brother and your dad. If dad asks why he is not there just say "I guess you can ask him yourself". Or say "honestly I don't know why he is not here more often". Do not make excuses, do not apologize, do not blame.
Start to hire help. Use dad's income and have someone come in 1 day a week for the whole day so you can leave and have some "me" time. Then increase it to 2 days a week.
If dad is a Veteran you might want to check to see if he can get help through the VA. You would be surprised at the services that you can get.
Don't bother trying to change brother B because it will never happen. Just try to change your emotional response to him.
Honestly after 8 1/2 years it can run thin, not everyone wants to be a caretaker in their senior years, they have earned a life too.
Perhaps it is time for you to consider restructuring your life too, place your father in AL where he will get 24/7 care, make new friends and that will free you and your other sibling up. Your father is not longer living independently, as the two of you are doing everything for him.
Let your dad and your brother figure it out, it is their relationship, not yours.
Your father could live another 5 years or so, my mother is 94, I am 72, she has been recently placed in AL and she loves it! I have done my duty, she is safe, well fed and has medical help at her fingertips, she just pushes a button, and the nurse appears. I live my senior life, just as she did, it is the right of passage.
I wish you the very best.
The others will have to live with themselves, and probably have no problem doing so should you be sick and /or dad no longer be around
Two things stand out, as far as the essentials: one is to check with your local office on aging--for yourself as well, because some will provide services at age 60 which you are approaching, and there may be some of benefit to you. They may know of services to do the pills and they may price match. Consider meals on wheels for dad, or some sort of delivered meal service if affordable. Mom's Meals comes to mind, but there are more. There are, at least in our area many groceries that are delivering and the cost is minimal. Used it myself for the first time a few weeks back when not feeling well, and got an emailed coupon...it saved me so much effort and energy, I was very grateful for it.
Save yourself first as the others are not likely to.
sending hugs...
Her temperament was always happy and above all she loved to talk and visit.
Our family was told it could be any minute by hospice and two brothers and their wives came by after work for a couple of hours and then the next day “crickets”...no phone calls...nothing. I slept in the room by her side. Our mom passed the following morning and one brother and wife came immediately. The other “Couldn’t handle it.”.
I will forever be grateful for my time with my mom but saddened to remember that, other than a sis-in-law that came two or three times for a few hours, in four months of my mom being completely helpless there was absolutely no family help at all.
We just have to forgive and understand that others can truly care only about themselves and they are fine with it. It would eat me up if I had failed her but then hearts are different.
If you have not toured some of the newer assisted living facilities, you are going to be pleasantly surprised. Let the a$$hole brother go and start making good decisions for you and dad.
I care for my father by myself. My one brother lives a thousand miles away and that's all the excuse he needs! He hasn't even bothered to come out for a visit in 2 1/2 years although he and his wife have lots of time to take fun vacations and spend lots of time with her family members. They did offer to come out last year but it was to be a fun trip for them, with them staying downtown to do touristy things and just meeting up with dad and I for dinner a time or two. I told them to just forget it if they weren't willing to help give me a break from dad for a few days!
It's strange, but normal, for children raised by the same parents to end up turning into such different people and it seems like there is always at least one that is totally selfish. My brother is always telling me that he feels bad that he hasn't helped but not so bad that he is willing to do anything to ease my burden.
As far as your brother who can’t bother himself with even a visit once a month that is something he will have to deal with after your dad has passed.
Stop making excuses for ur brother. Stop trying to "smooth it over". If Dad is complaining, say "sorry Dad nothing I or u can do about it. Instead of ranting to me you should be ranting at him. Here's the phone".
You and brother A may want to start talking about placing Dad. He is going to be more care as time goes on. And its going to be harder for you to deal with it.
My siblings all moved away early in my married life leaving most of the daily responsibilities of my parents to my spouse and myself. In the last few years, other siblings decided to move mother to one of my siblings home. As some of mothers health got worse, my sibling and spouse would not leave her alone at any time out fear for her well-being. Then my sibling became ill and my other siblings decided that mother should be moved back into one of the siblings homes. This situation proved impossible for all siblings as we are all above seventy and just could not handle being a 24/7 caregiver for an extended time to someone with mutiple medical problems that could not be left alone. As mother's residency had changed to another state, myself and one other sibling, could not bring mother back to a facility in our areas due to Medicaid rules. The siblings who live in the same state as mother, decided to put mother in a nursing facility but needed extra money to cover mother's expenses they deemed necessary. My spouse and I have withdrawn several thousand dollars from our IRA Retirement accounts to help with expenses in the last few months. We are not wealthy people and we can not continue drawing our IRAs down without taking more financial risks to our fixed income. We sincerely want to do what is right but to do that have more input into the care of mother. This is hard and weighs on my mind everyday. Just remember that there are many circumstances involved in who cares for an elderly disabled parent.
Instead of creating a big divide, just do what you do because you have that caregiving ability within you. Ask brother to do what's within his level of family relationship ability - call dad even for a 5 minute phone call. If he won't even do that much, them just tell dad 'I don't know' if he asks about him or wonders where he is.
In my case, I've decided for my own mental and emotional health to detach from those who cannot be at, the very least, emotionally supportive.
They don't call Mother just to say hello. They don't call me to see how I'm getting along. The only time I talk to them is if I call. Well, I don't anymore. I'm not rude or anything like that. I just figure if they're not going to put forth any effort, I'm not going to expend all my energy being hurt or angry anymore. I'm not saying I'm not hurt and angry, but I'm not consumed. I know where we stand and that's fine.