Primary caregiver for dad (86) for 8-1/2 years. What do I do with brother who has “shut down” & does nothing because it’s easier for him?

Hi! My take may be unpopular but....
you will never change someone who does not want to change. Your brother is obviously not as resilient, strong or as capable as you. Adults make crappy choices and decisions. Trying to get them to think differently only wastes our precious mental energy and raises our stress levels. You have an illness that needs attention and care. At least they are honest about their lack of support. So now you can make decisions with that information.
The question is now what? You get to choose.
Do you want to still care for your parent? You don’t have to, like your brother, but I am guessing you do. What can you give and what can’t you give to maintain your health. No one else will ask this question to you. I am. What do you need to do to be well and then what can you give. The rest will have to be organized and figured out with creative planning. You cannot wear your self down with your illness. What will they all do if you are sick.
Get groceries delivered, medicine on auto refill and find a delivery service, hire a caregiver for two hours twice a week or a cleaning lady. Look for volunteers to help with doctors appointments.

Whatever you do you must consider yourself first, if you don’t, you will leave no one to care for your parent.

from one caregiver to another HUGS!

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do in regard to siblings not helping. My situation is similar and it is puzzling why someone refuses to help. In my opinion, everyone deals with difficult situations differently. Some instinctlly do whatever is required and others do not. What I have learned to do, is to stop trying to get others to do the right thing! I know you are probably stressed out and emotionally about to fall apart. Can your dad financially afford to pay someone to assist with his needs? Do you have friends who could help? Even if it is for one or two days per week. You do need to take care of yourself and your family. Don’t be hesitate to ask others to help if your siblings will not. Caregivers burn out and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, heartaches, disappointments come and go! Remember happiness, fun, peace, calmness, gentleness and laughter is a requirement to your needs! Seek support! You deserve it!

Totally agree with PattiDk4, reach out to others for help. I have 3 siblings who all live locally, one who does not work and none will help me with my mom. I hired caregivers through a home health agency and found the caregivers are very attentive to mom, and she likes having them there. Every once in a great while a sibling offers to sit with mom, and mom now refuses to be left alone with them because she doesn't feel safe with them. They ignore her and play on their phones. You might want to check with your ADRC to see if they have grant programs for respite care. I found a grant program through the county that pays for a certain number of hours of respite care per month.

I have the same issues I have two brothers I am the middle and I am the only girl my younger brother and I take turns taking care of my dad are keeping him company my older brother just stops by whenever he feels like it will not commit to anything so I am there every night except Saturday night and my younger brother stop by during the day the other one comes by on the weekend for 20 minutes or so trims a couple hedges and leaves. I have a husband that suffering from Alzheimer’s so I definitely feel your pain I have learned to just except that it is what it is I do what I want for my dad because I love him and I care about him.

My older brother the one that does very little uses the excuse that he’s married. Like me and my other brother aren’t and we don’t have families of our own. I just don’t dwell on it anymore. I just do what I have to do for my dad Who has an is always there for me.

Oh, my goodness - You're ill with MS and still trying to carry on with the caregiving? This dynamic must change. Check into facility living for him.

Both of my parents are in their 90's, Both are in decent health but have had a few setbacks to illnesses over the past few years.. I do their grocery shopping every two weeks, I use the Walmart pick up option, they get involved with making out their list and I take it home and do it all online, when the day comes I swing by Walmart and it's all set.

As far as meals go I get my Moms meals delivered by Momsmeals. com. they have a great selection of any type meals you need, because the meals are pretty big my mom can get 2 days out of each meal)( she is on a pureed diet)
I sometimes make my dads meals at my house for 2 weeks and freeze them and all he has to do is heat up in microwave..

If I really don't have the time I just pick him up the frozen dinners that are low in sodium,

I have a brother who fixes things around the house as needed but I do the brunt of work such as food, meals , setting up transportation to Doctors apointments etc..

You have to be the one to set the rules as far as how you are going to do this... If you dad still likes to go out you might have a little more time to take him to lunch or dinner, by saving the time going shopping..

What you’re dealing with is quite common. I’ve seen people in nursing homes who have seven to ten children but none of them visit, ever. If they do have a family member who does laundry or visit it’s usually just the one that does anything.

Some children make a quick stop around Christmas sporting their nice Florida tans. (Usually before Christmas so they can spend the actual holiday doing their own thing).

There’s always that “one”. You happen to be it. I, too, am “the one” and have a first row view from my mom’s nursing home. That’s how we are wired.

"...thought additional family help would be forthcoming." If wishes were horses... how many of us had similar thoughts with similar results! This is one of the saddest songs on this forum, and it is played regularly. Unfortunately we can't force anyone to do something they aren't willing to do. It breeds anger and resentment from us, but keep in mind that the anger and resentment are only going to affect you, not those who shut down and refuse to help. The best gift you can give yourself is to understand the situation isn't going to change and put him out of your thoughts.

"Is it right for two children to do everything, while one (“B”) does nothing?" Nope. Is it reality? Only too often. In your case, I would be overly grateful that your other brother does provide some help AND let him know how much you appreciate what he does! Often the person being cared for doesn't offer thanks, but YOU can and it would probably make your helpful brother pleased to have some recognition too!

I also have 2 brothers - each participated some on the decision for placement (MC), the move and some help getting condo ready for sale, but MOST of the work fell (and still falls) on me. That included researching the condition (dementia), finding places to look at, taking her to appts, getting the finances set up if/when she needed a facility, organizing aides to try to keep her in her place longer, taking over finances, arranging appts, taking her to appts, grocery shopping (after arranging for YB to take the car) and/or preparing meals for her (no way to Meals on Wheels - she refused to even try it!), almost a year and 3/4s spent by ME getting condo cleared out, cleaned up and repairs done, interface with RE and EC atty. After the move to MC and sale of the condo, you would think I am an only child. OB isn't local and I don't even talk to him anymore (another long sad story.) YB's attitude when I asked him to take over one medical transport (4x/yr for macular deg) now that she won't stand/walk without help and telling him it's all too much is 'they (facility) take care of everything.' No, they don't. Visiting, dropping off supplies, juggling finances, making payments, keeping records, getting taxes done, managing med delivery, getting OTC supplies (vitamins, pain meds, briefs, etc), responding to calls from facility, getting her other appts/testing done... it goes on... So, I understand how much is involved. Thankfully she can afford the place, as I couldn't take care of her and all that is needed too (cleaning, bathing, laundry, etc!)

It would be best to seek out assistance elsewhere. Hopefully when you say you are paying his bills you are facilitating that with HIS income, not yours! If his income is low enough, he could qualify for assistance via Medicaid. I would expend the energy on seeking help, not using it to try to cajole your brother into helping or being angry at him or making excuses for him. I know from experience it doesn't work and it only affects you, not him!

Could you perhaps hire (with his funds) someone to take over the more difficult chores, such as cleaning and laundry? Groceries can often be ordered online and delivered (there is a charge, but often will be worth it!)

If he has funds and/or owns his own home, I would also start looking at local ALs (and possibly NHs) for the future. As he needs more help, it may be best to move him and then use your energy on advocating for and visiting him. If he doesn't have funds and doesn't own his own home, but qualifies with low income, check out what Medicaid NHs are available and look into applying for that to help him and you.

If dad is sad or confused about this brother not calling or visiting, you don't need to make excuses for him. You can just say you don't know why he doesn't, which is the truth, sort of... You know the excuses he or his wife are giving, but not the underlying truth.

It is unfortunate that situation is common.

The best way for me to handle it is to understand that not everyone has the gift of caregiver ability . It is truly a gift to be able to give care and do it purposefully.
While it’s unfair and you get tired of unequal responsibility, know that you can’t change brother B and one day he’ll look back and regret time lost with his dad. I pray he sees the light so that one day he doesn’t have to live with regret.

Just keep partnering with brother A and enjoy the journey. It helps if you don’t expect much.

I wonder if the uninvolved siblings DO regret their lack of involvement once the parents have passed on. I bet most don't really care. Someone ELSE took care of things; that's all the uninvolved sibling(s) cared about.

I resented that I was the local sibling with boots on the ground. It was made worse because my mother told me my time wasn't worth anything. I didn't just "put up, shut up, offer it up," but rather ended up getting paid $20/hour for my time. My mother never knew about it -- when I mentioned compensation to her, she snapped at me that, "You don't pay family!" But when she was beyond the point of handling money, my POA brother agreed that I could be paid. And I ended up getting back pay, too.

That is what made me feel much better about being the only one who did anything.

I've been in the situation of being the local "kid" when my parents were ill and dying. It was a very difficult 10 years plus! It's a very difficult situation, even when the siblings want to help. It's horrible to hear that you yourself are sick. Maybe sending the "brother who does nothing" invoices for the out-of-pocket costs for dad's care & needs would give him not only a better sense of what his lack of attention actually costs but also give him something significant he can contribute. Additionally, you must have your own plan for when you can no longer handle all this responsibility and communicate it clearly to your siblings. What happens when you can't do it all? I found it was easy for my siblings to not truly understand what I was doing and giving up personally, both physically and financially, because I was handling almost everything in a way that looked almost seamless. I was also the only sibling active in the family business and the economy was awful at the time. My parents needed the revenue from that business and, my not being 100% available to manage the business negatively impacted the business itself....which also negatively effected my own finances and added enormously to the stress. It's hard not to resent it all, but I was clear I wanted to do whatever I could to make things go smoothly for my parents. If I had it to do all over again, I would have made it clearer who was doing what, how each one of us could contribute, and I wouldn't have taken on as much as I did from the beginning. No matter how much we want to be, we are not super human...and shouldn't have to be. Have your brother at least pay for stuff that will take some burden off of you! Stay strong and take care of yourself!!!

Question Does your Brother A. expected you the primary caregiver, to pay him for the hours he helps you taking care of taking care of your Father on the weekend?