How can I protect myself when my mom is telling the neighbor lady I abuse her and none of it is true?

Mary231...
Ever hear the old story about putting a frog into cold water, then slowly warming it to a boil?
The poor frog doesn't know what's happening til it's too late.

If professionals in charge acknowledge that a patient needs more helps, there are difficulties with the systems with that.
There is a careful balance between giving too much care [not enuf reimbursement for that] and not enough [patient mismanagement, and again a reimbursement issues].

A big part of it is, if the person can put on a good show that things are "fine", while professionals are there, then have a "breathing space" when they do not have to put on the show, they can carry on that farce quite awhile,
--some of them.
ALSO, professionals are not around your elder enough time, to discern what a family member who is there most of the time, might.
If the family member, or whoever is there with the person most of the time and knows their history, can compare now VS. then,
AND can give succinct, clear descriptions to the professionals to document, the person will avoid getting evaluated until pretty far along.

ALSO, professionals, like anyone else, dislike pronouncing loss of mental faculties; it relates to things like: signing documents while the person is "still fit to sign"; more personal things like how the professionals feel about losing their own mental faculties.
A high-function adult with losses in mental capacities that merely bring them to "average", are considered "fine" by most professionals, unless professionals on the case understand that, and know how to evaluate that--most professionals do not understand that nuance.
IF there is undisclosed or previously undiagnosed mental illness, that can be hidden a long time, and compound behaviors with creeping onset of dementias.
If there have been any traumatic brain injuries, that can compound the ability to recognize diminishment.
Bad behaviors can be kept secret except to the targeted person they act out on--meaning the professionals will never know, unless it is reported. .
Sometimes it is just trying to allow the patient to keep even a tiny bit of a sense of autonomy when all other signals of that have gone, as long as possible.
It feels awful to be the one to pronounce another person incompetent.

When the symptoms are vague to most others, professionals avoid pronouncing. They need clear signals that something is haywire.
It also prevents some family conflicts:
--many families will argue terribly about whether it is real or not--until it is really "in their faces".

Send her back from where she came! The more I read all the comments from this Aging Care site, the more I am understanding why there are so many elders in nursing homes and their family do not visit.
Upsidedown

Interesting that you mention them losing control long before it becomes apparent to outsiders.
Moms care providers say Mom is just fine.
When I talk with my child out of state, and tell her about todays developments, she says " red flags, red flags, doesn't anyone else is these problems, I mean, you are right there and those are professionals?"
Now, it could be because I only call her with the bad stuff.
It could be the distance and not hearing the good stuff, too.
It could be she is healthier than I am, or that I ever thought she was.
In my case, tho, every professional - doctor, nurses, CNA's and rehab say Mom is clear and competent.
You can be a liar and still be competent.
Today was a bad day, but it opened the door to my future back home.
.
Don't you just hate being in situations that you can't fix..................................

Mary 213,

I know how this feels--it is terribly hard to deal with, emotionally shattering.
Your elder is using wrong statements to speak of her fears, but unable to do it the right way anymore. Minds that have started falling apart, can sound rational for some time, unless professionals spend more time with them and really observe closely.

When we had social workers come to our house, Mom put on a great show for 2 hours--as they were packing up to leave, she was finally starting to crack just a little, but they didn't stick around to see it. Even though I told them--"she is starting to lose it--please stay a little longer!" But nope.

During that evaluation, they kept asking if she'd "...changed, gotten worse?"
And stupidly, I kept trying to tell them,
"she has always been strange and one never knew when Mom would act out."

I was so shattered from dealing with Mom for so long, I simply couldn't think clearly enough to say, "yes! she has gotten worse!"
IF I had the presence of mind to tell them that, she could have been removed from our home to at least an assisted living place, or maybe even to an Alzheimer's/dementia unit.

As it turned out, she freaked out really badly after that visit, and one of my estranged siblings came to fetch her to live "with the kids who loved her most".

WHEN an elder makes untrue accusations,
talk with her Doc, tell your concerns, give them a heads-up.
I wrote a letter to her Doc telling him Mom had a substance abuse and behavior problems, that he might find her drug-seeking.
Sure enough, the next visit, she did.
He went to check her chart.
He prescribed a non-narcotic pain reliever.
When she discovered what it was, she threw major tantrums all the way home [30 miles].
BUT...she was on official record as being a drug seeker, in addition to my letter...someone else had witnessed her behavior--even a little bit. She was never falling apart when she went for office visits though, so none got to witness her behaviors.

When Mom started getting physically abusive to me, she usually left no marks...until the last time--after 2 days of asking people for advice what to do, someone said, "call 911 and file a police report"
When I did, the cop asked why I waited 2 days.
I told him, "I didn't know what to do--it's my Mom! When it happened, we were not where a phone was, and she was too aggressive for me to make a call and was always on me"
At least it was on record, but he didn't take a picture of my arm, and he wrote down that I had avoided calling sooner-
--so it is also important, when you file a PD report, to CHECK IT, and if it is not correct, you have a right to amend it/correct it
--the cop usually dislikes doing that, but you have a right to that
--it has to get done within a couple days of the original report.
But my Doc saw my arm, and documented it was badly bruised, and that I said Mom did it.
I had one neighbor who witnessed Mom acting out, too.
I had one friend who Mom opened up to, and admitted that she "might be a little bipolar". I could have been knocked over with a feather hearing her admit to that! Only waited 83 years for her to admit to it--but that was not to a Doc.

Get witnesses who will attest to how your elder is behaving.
The more, the better.
If you need to call 911, do it right away.
If there are injuries, go to the emergency room, and take pictures.
Finally, get a Doc to evaluate your elder.
It might mean requesting repeat visits by Social Workers to come to your house to evaluate your elder.

You need official documentation.
There are elders who live a lifetime without getting help they should have gotten decades ago, too. Those can be most difficult to deal with--it is very tricky to discern when mental illness and/or traumatic brain injuries start becoming dementia.

Document everything. Keep notes on a calendar. Keep a diary.
Keep paperwork.
Give statements to her Docs.
ASK Docs for help handling this.
ASK Social Workers for help dealing with this.
When you are at wits' end, call the Crisis Line, and tell them what's up, and ask for help dealing with this.
Keep asking for help.
Your calls for help should get documented--ask that your calls be documented, that files be generated about it, to make sure they understand to do so.

All that builds a paper trail that helps validate that you DID call for help repeatedly.
And that helps get the help that is needed.
Be persistent!

Mom has been lying today.
Both family and the NH.
She is considered, by every professional caring for her, to be completely competent..................................
But she is still lying, making accusations...........
Not the Mother I knew........................

WOW!
Where was all this when I needed it?!
This is very good advice--I had no idea I could have gotten an eviction notice on Mom!
And not a clue that I could have called police to give them a heads-up.
All my siblings would say in one breath that Mom is crazy, yet, next breath, that she's fine, and what was I so upset over?
Se was able to put on a good enough show for 2 hours when Social Workers came to the house, that they couldn't assess how she really was.
One sister panicked, came got her [so Mom could live with the kids who really loved her...!]--so now Mom is their problem.
Finally some relief for us, but destroyed relationships with siblings probably forever.
I pray that those with this situation, get proper helps!

Every case is different, but my mother has also threatened to call the police, a lawyer, etc. She's lied on me to our neighbors about many things, including telling them that I'm a drug addict. Naturally you feel defensive, that they believe your mother. After all, why wouldn't they believe an old woman and why would a mother lie on her own daughter. I've done as another responder did an handed her the phone then went to my own space. After a while, I found my mother didn't even remember her threats and was worried that I'd left her. As for neighbors, I've invite them into the house on on the premise that she's lonely and could use a familiar face. Those who have come are pleased to see her and the house clean, and that she is well nourished and healthy. And they'll also see her mental state, too (repeating herself, not recognizing them, etc.) Certainly they won't see signs of physical abuse because they never existed. They KNOW she is so much better off than before I took over. You'll start to get smiles from them and compliments. If you still feel the need to protect yourself, I'm sure your mother must have medical records, too. If there are signs of abuse, a medical professional would have picked that up right away and noted it in their records. Possibly unbeknownst to you, there are notations of your mother's cleanliness, appearance and statements. They are trained. I ALWAYS get compliments about how I'm caring for her. Dementia and Alzheimers is an EPIDEMIC! Practically no family goes untouched by these diseases. Your neighbors probably have their own stories they're keeping in the closet. Know that God and the folks on this post knows your truth.

I understand you. My mom has screamed "police" when we went places. I just said "she has Alzheimer's" and people have always said they understand. One day mom got out of the house and was trying to flag cars down to take her home to PA. She hasn't lived there since she was a child. When I ran out there, I thanked everyone who had stopped and then I said "She has Alzheimer's" One person said they should call the police. I calmly said "Then you are welcomed to go to the hospital with her and stay with her." They put their phone away and left. I would of thought that since she thought PA was right down the street and we live in Georgia, that should of been a real giveaway. Anyway, she doesn't do things like that anymore and is calm and watches TV or goes everywhere we do.

There isn't anything you can do if your mother has a sympathetic audience. My life has been ruined by my nother and everyone hates me. But in my heart I know that I have done what needs to be done for her safety and health. Cargivers are always hated by the individual receiving the care if they have Alzheimer's. That is the cold hard facts. I have been a caregiver for 29 years and am 61 years old. Everyone I have cared for in my family have been gracious and very cooperative. Alzheimer's patience most always get wicked and vindictive as their disease advances.

Once she signs for that letter it is binding.

Yep, been there done that. It works. If you do it yourself, be sure to have it notarized by non family or friends. Go to the post office and spend that extra few dollars to send it registered mail. It is legal. Make sure you make a copy AFTER it's notarized, and leave return address off of it. Good luck!

Get an eviction notice.

BJ did you get the eviction notice or will you? And why did you let her back in for the 4th time. It won't change. Where was she before?

the police tell me to get an eviction notice

If I only had videos of scenario's of this type!!! I was accused of the most horrible things by my Mother with Dementia. It is important to remember who is the mentally ill and to figure out why? If you are not guilty of what she is accusing you of notify the police and give them a heads up, on what's happening.

When she threatens you will the police, hand her the phone and offer to look up the non-emergency number for her. Show her that you aren't going to be manipulated by idle and ridiculous threats.

But, really, Poor Mom. She is obviously not in good mental health. Very sad ... but no reason for you to roll over and play dead.

And, this is the FOURTH time you are trying this? Hmmm ... maybe mom isn't the only one here with some problems with good judgment. What made you think it would be better this time?

One thing I want to add is If you are being accused of a crime then you are not safe with her. Why did you consider letting her move in with her 4 times? It sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home or assisted living.

BJ I just left a message on your other post. You might want to make all your posts on the same thread so it's easier to answer questions. We want to help but we need more info.