My boyfriend has been sick for 4 years. We have been together for 9. I feel like a single mom and not a partner. I take care of him, work full time, pay all the bills, take care of the animals, etc. He has numerous doctor appointments a week. It is time consuming, tiring, and expensive to care for him. I do it because I care for him and if I didn't:
1. can't take care of himself ie dressing himself, uses a wheelchair/walker
2. doesn't have much money as he can't work, he does get a disability stipend, but it wouldn't cover living expenses by any means.
I am incredibly tired, unhappy, and lonely in my life. I am 40 and this is my second person that I have taken care of. I took care of my dad for 6 years after his stroke. I never wanted to do it again. 2 years later my guy got sick.
For the last 9 months, I have been seeing someone on the side. It is really just sex, but would be more if I was free to be. I noticed that after I see him, I actually get sad and a bit depressed. I think it's because in my life I feel so frustrated with the situation. I imagine what should be vs what is. I just want to be happy. I want the life I should be living. I want more relationship wise. But I feel so bad for that because what does that mean? If I say I want to be with the other guy all the time, but I know I won't leave my bf. Is it I hope he dies? I don't, but I also know that all of the issues I currently have will be immediately resolved when he does. So then I feel guilty.
Ideally, if I money was no issue (which of course it is :) ). I would buy a house near me, pay his friend and his wife a salary to live there, take care of him. I would pay all of the bills and check in on him often. This would ensure that he is cared for, has his needs met, and I am free to live my life. Obviously, this isn't a viable solution. It would cost me more than I make in a year.
I don't talk about this in my life really because it's an awkward conversation. I would either get one of two responses from people that I know.
1. You should totally leave him (which I am not due to the above reasons)
2. You're a bad person for cheating on a sick guy. Don't you know your entire existence should revolve around other people and their needs/happiness? Yes, a bit of an exaggeration, but honestly not that far off. It is easy to feel holier than thou when it isn't your situation or problem.
This is a situation that only you can decide what is best for you.
Personally I would let the state deal with him. If he can't handle activities of daily living then he needs more care then 1 person can realistically provide, as you yourself can see by how tired you are.
I would rather live in a nursing home than with someone that was sacrificing their happiness to take care of me. I don't want to ever be that kind of burden on my husband, I love him enough to let him go if I was unable to care for myself, but that is me.
I, also could not go have sex with another man and come home to someone that believes that we are in a relationship, nor would I want to have my husband do that to me.
My guy and my father (when he was alive) both (shocker) are people who like to be cared for. They like people to do things for them, more than necessary. I make him do things for himself. That tug of war is highly annoying to us both.
I agree with you on the sex thing. But, I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship...aside from name. I have a guy that can’t dress himself, can’t care for himself, has lost some mental function, we don’t have a physical relationship. I show that I care by dressing him, cooking all the meals, cleaning the house, paying all of the bills including his medications.
I am not fulfilled in this life. I need more. I should be in my prime, living the best life and I’m stuck in this cycle of exhaustion, loneliness, and unhappiness.