I'm so worn down and stressed out from looking after Dad for the past three years that I really need some relief, as does my husband. I'd like to have Dad hire a caregiver to take him on some outings so that we wouldn't have to be his only source of transportation for recreational outings, lunch out, and so on. However, I know from past experience that Dad will refuse to do that and will sit home indefinitely rather than spend the money. Should I make the suggestion anyway and back it up by scaling back on our trips out with him? I don't want to be unkind; I just want a break from some of the responsibilities.
Arrange doctor appointments at YOUR convenience. Examine why he has to/wants to go to the doctor so much.
The "plan" can be hypothetical or real. That bit I leave to the two of you :)
I think that as long as he's not starved for company or activities, you needn't feel so bad about not taking him out on outings. You are already doing a lot for him. He needs to adjust to the change in his circumstances. You can't make it all better for him, and you shouldn't have to.
I don't think that the problem is so much that Dad doesn't have activities and associates in the senior residence. He plays Scrabble frequently with a friend, and he spends a lot of time reading and watching movies (my husband keeps him supplied with DVDs and large-print books). It's just that he has been used to getting out of the house and being active, and now he can't do that without substantial assistance.
On the other hand, there may be other activities at the residence that he would enjoy. I'll take a look at the newsletter tonight (it's available online) and see what's on the calendar.
Carla, Dad has made a good friend in independent living, and they play Scrabble together at least a couple of times a week.
So there are the foundations all ready. Now for the next bit - making independent mean independent!
Do you have a good idea of who you might ask to accompany your father on these outings? If so, why not get in touch with those people and ask them if they can pass on any tips about making their assistance acceptable to a "fiercely independent" (but quite happy to lean on his daughter!) elder.
Doing that would also give you a chance to introduce them as people, rather than faceless service providers, when the time comes. Saying "Fred will be driving you today" or "Monica is going with you on the outing" might go down better than saying "Acme Care Agency will be sending someone."
We had this problem with my mother too, but a few years ago she began playing bridge with a bunch of ladies in her community. They have lunch before each card game so it's quite the social outing for her, once or twice a week. About 6 months ago she got a housemate who now drives her to bridge and occasionally for shopping trips, lunch out, etc. The housemate gets free lodging (private bedroom and bathroom) in exchange for this companionship and assistance around the house. She has been a godsend and is very good with my mother.
It has taken a huge burden off me and my other local sister, although we still each see Mom at least once per week and take her to all her medical appointments so we can keep track of her health issues. The housemate was a friend of mine before she moved into Mom's house, and I invite her for holidays and other get-togethers when I can, to make her feel appreciated and more like part of Mom's family.
I guess what I'm saying is: I don't blame your Dad for not wanting to attend recreational activities with paid strangers. But he needs to make some friends and develop a social circle. He can't rely on you and your husband for all his social activity as well as his caregiving needs. Try to find activities or groups locally that would interest him and urge him to participate. Eventually I think something should work out for him.
Good luck!
What a great community service it would be if someone picked many of the elders up for a day to give them an outing and their caregivers a break!