I helped my mother in her home for ten years. She has lived with me for 14 months. Main problem is mobility. I have four sibs but only one has really helped this past year. Now that sib is having marital problems and cannot help going forward. I have had to fight for financial, aides and respite. I tried to use an ALF for respite but she acted up so much at the interview-they declined to take her. She is alert and oriented but has always acted up to get her way. Now I am tired and supportive husband is over it. There is now a weak offer from another sib to take her for a week. I really am not a irresponsible person but everything is a fight. The sibs rarely call and didn't really bother with the holidays, so what do I really have to lose? Never thought I would be this way but feel kind of sick about the whole situation.
One time she got so mad at them she told them all to stay away, she only needed me, to sort her pills. Ooooh no, I thought, no, this is not good. The funny thing is, she could never find my "buttons". When she told me she wanted Jesus to come and get her, I admonished her for trying to order Jesus around. She actually flinched. They will respect you if respond logically. When she refused to take meds, I said calmly "OK. Where's the Will?" and then she took them. Easier said than done, I know, but over the years I've had so many button pushers in my life that my emotional reactions are null and void.
Mom will clearly pull all the tricks in the book to avoid being placed so be very firm and let her know if her behaviour is out of control it will be a psychiatric placement and no one will take her back because she is beyond your control. Sounds cold and hard. yes it is but what is more important to you going forward. She has not considered you in the past so it is time for a reality check. just being old does not give anyone the right to ruin other peoples lives.
Meanwhile, knowing we had completely burned out, they came up with other arrangements for her living. We are still working on finding her a permanent place. But one thing I learned/ am learning is you have to tell everyone when it becomes too much.
Having gone through this, if our plans fell through and Mom absolutely had to live with family, I would NOT do what I did before. I would insist we all take turns and that everyone else help carry the load.
I've had so many relative tell me we went above and beyond by taking Mom in. But no one volunteered to help out until I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
LadeeC