I cared for my father for 4 years in my home until his death 2 months ago. he had suffered 3 strokes and had parkinson's but died from Liver cancer. (He was in and out of nursing homes but he lived with us the majority of the time.) My boyfriend of 7 years helped very little. He like dad but caretaking is not something he does well. During these 4 yrs our relationship got to be very strained due to the stress of caring for dad and we also had financial problems due to me not working outside the home. Dad did pay some but during his short stays at nursing homes I could not find a job and we had to struggle financially. My boyfriend is the type that when a bill comes in you pay it NOW.. Sometimes this was not an option because of my unemployment issues. He is also of the mindset that anybody can find a job in a day or so if they really try. he is a mechanic and has never had any trouble getting a job.. Anyway, he moved out last July and told me he wasn't in love with me anymore but he did still love me. We did maintain contact but had a misunderstanding and we no longer speak. I just wanted to know if the men in families where the wife (girlfriend) is the caretaker feel unloved, unimportant , things like that. I feel like that was a problem with us. Did anyone else's relationship fall apart because of the stress of caregiving?
My husband has become distant and it would not surprise me if he is looking for pleasure elsewhere as I have little time for him or for sex.
Our life was so peaceful and sexy before and now I feel like I have completely lost myself. My entire life revolves around their needs.
I am the oldest and only daughter and my two brothers have little time to even take them out for dinner let alone a weekend so my husband and I can feel normal again.
All I know at this point is that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN!
Thanks for the laugh "Witnney"!
is incredibly stressful. I'd like to think that all normal parents would not want to
put their kids through that. Narcissists on the other hand..... My father actually
brightens up when things go badly for me. He likes drama and as well I think in
his mind a string of bad luck might make me the right kind of broken: Isolated,
dependent, subservient. Just existing to wait on him hand and foot. That kind of
demand on anyone is not reasonable and a relationship killer for sure.
His demands never cease, and like the old saying goes--"no good deed goes unpunished" . Whenever I do something out of the ordinary to treat him, it
becomes the new normal. Add to that the added complication of a whole slew
of ambulance chasers who wait in the wings to stir up trouble and fuel his
constant complaints about me. Their "caring" meddling ie someone who came to
"organize" but instead ended up snooping through his financials, adds endless stress
to an already stressful situation.
All of this has caused an enormous strain on my relationship with son, who
resents the near daily intrusion into our lives and being treated either
like a servant or as if he is invisible when we visit. To make it even more painful,
my father fawns over everyone else and has created many close relationships with random care givers, their kids and grandkids. These folks in turn appear to hope that there will be a payday somewhere down the line and resent the hell out of me, treat me
with disrespect, even contempt. I have to guard against them taking him out of the facility for a "fun day" when he has almost zero mobility, and is high fall risk. Or being
bullied by his friend's who question my decisions for his care. Despite my father having
enough money to cover his own costs, it appears that the consensus is that I should be
covering some of his costs. I guess so he can leave some of the money to them?!
I haven't been able to live it feels, and I'm so exhausted I'm dangerously close to
not caring. I have hobbies and things I love to do, just no energy or health or funds
to pursue them. : ( . I'm also worried that the lack of consideration shown by my
father to us will cause a further stressor in my relationship with my son.
And all my father does is worry about his care, his entertainment and his status within
the retirement community. His old friends, who have become less active and incapacitated by illness are mostly forgotten. Black hole of care giving + your life =
disappearing relationships, health, hobbies, work, dreams, travel, etc.
To an aging narcissist (or for any narcissist for that matter) you are just a vending
machine of stuff: care, entertainment, comfort, money, advocacy, etc, etc. I truly
think they prefer that their care givers have no life. That way they are always
available. When entering into a care giving arrangement with an aging narcissist,
proceed with the upmost caution.