Did you relocate to better manage caregiving?

Please excuse my brusque comments about hubby. I'm so sorry. Stay strong. You can do it.

Just saw your more information post. My husband had died. I had no family to help either. I did it all by myself. Just make sure hubby stays out of the way and keeps his mouth shut. Those who want to sabotage our efforts don't get a voice.

My husband had a stroke 9 years ago. He uses a motorized wheelchair and can talk, think about 75% of wht he could before stroke, and feed himself. He is heavy and cannot even stand. His right side is totally weak and useless. I bought a used Sera(sit to stand) lift for $750. Now (after my shoulder replacement) I am paying people to get him up and put him to bed, including washing him and dressing and diaper changes. I used to do evenings, now it is too hard for me. About $1800 a month I spend on aides.
I found a retirement community to move to, near my family. It is 400 miles from our present condo.
I often get overwhelmed by this task. I am just going day to day and doing what I can and getting meager help for the physical labor. A couple of times members of my husband's family came to help. They drive 4 hours and are not willing to stay over night. So they hare here a few hours at a time. Two days they did major helping like getting tons of stuff out of the basement after I had sorted things. I put signs on things to trash, go to the garage for donating, keep in a certain area the things I want to take with us. Daily I wake up with a list of chores to be done creeping toward the moving day! It has been well over a year living like this! I the whole thing.

Condos around me are going cheaply. I will lose about $70-80,000 from what I paid! I have to pay over $100,000 upfront for an "entrance fee" to the new retirement community. It is not assisted living nor nursing home capability, just retirement living with a little extra help like vans for trips, some scheduled activities, meals (extra pay) if I want them prepared, cleaning services (extra pay) . We will have a separate "duplex" home but most are apartments. An apartment is too small for my husband's big motorized wheelchair. There is a large dining room if we want to eat there with others. The place is near most of my family. None will be more than an hour away. I feel I need that at this stage. I worked as a teacher and could not leave my job before I retired. We are both 68 and "make too much" for monetary aid fro gov. programs. If I paid for the help I really need, I'd be broke in a couple of years. So I "limp along" on the help for a couple of hours I have a day. I do everything for maintaining the condo and car and groceries and getting us to doctors. I bought a ramp van for transporting my husband in the motorized wheelchair.

I am just wondering if others have done a relocation like this? We now live 25 minutes from a city and the place I picked to live is about the same distance from a city.

I do water aerobics classes for exercise. I need that to stay as healthy as I can, though my knees now are extremely painful. I just had a total shoulder replacement. It was months of recuperation. I hated to do it in the midst of trying to make a move. Luckily the move is postponed . If I had to move at the time they first said, well I would have had to cancel he whole thing. If I sell before the new place is ready, that community can put us in a different unit for a short time. They will do the final move when necessary.

So--if you can maybe explain your circumstances , I can learn how to get this accomplished. I have a person who is willing to drive a rental moving truck. I did not realize how expensive it is to make a move like this. Using a moving company! Oh my thousands of dollars! When we get settled in the new place (renting) our monthy costs will be less. No monthly condo fee for one thing! And I won't have to be hiring plumbers or other service people! Those fees seemed outrageous to me! I feel like I get robbed each time I need an electrician or a plumber. In the seven years we lived here, I had to put in a new furnace, whole house air conditioner, water heater, kitchen appliances, washer/dryer, and disposal while I lived in this condo! And the other house I sold by myself as my husband was "post stroke." Again, I had only minimal help doing that. But about 8 people from my former job came to help a couple of hours at a time. I was not yet retired. They made it possible to get that home ready to sell. I can't ask them again. Moving day was h@ll because the moving company sent a smaller truck and less workers than they said. Four of my husband's family were there on moving day. It was the worst day of my life. I want this move to go smoother. chris

I made the decision to move back home. Put my home in the market at a very reasonable price and sold it for full price within 30 days. I had to be out of the house in 60.

During that 60 days, I attached price tags to everything in the house. The few things I wasn't selling went into a storage locker. I hired a young man for $10 to pull together a lady's toolbox and help sell all of my late husband's tools. I put that lady's toolbox in the storage locker.

I put a big ad in the newspaper...big! Like three columns by 4",,,named some of the nicer things I had to sell like Lladro, cut glass, silver, special tools...patio sets. Called it a Monster Estate Sale.

I asked three of my friends to help. Gave them $100 each.opened at 8 am. It was over by 5 pm. No dickering on prices. If someone said, "Will you take X for that?" My standard answer was, "Well, I appreciate the offer.. If you'll leave me your phone number, I'll call you if it doesn't,t sell."

At the end of the day, I had slightly over $8000. At 6 pm, people came to pick up what was left for the church rummage sale. Next morning, a lady I'd hired came and cleaned the house. By 1 pm I was on my way back to Chocago with my 125 lb German Shepard and my computer.

I moved in with mom for about thirty days, bought my own home, hired two guys to drive down my storaged items and never looked back.

Here is some more information about our situation. I feel this move is all on my shoulders. That easily overwhelms me. I just came from a support group meeting. 8 people attended. At least 3 were women who had relocated without help from their husbands. Those people had family to help them. In my case family help is minimal. I am about 75% done getting this condo ready to sell and somewhat packed up to move . I paid a few people after I got certain tasks ready that they could do. I need to do the sorting of what to keep and what to donate and what to trash. They others can do the physical moving of the boxes . I have had a charity truck come 3 times so far for at least 15 bags/boxes each time. I am calling an auctioneer today for a few big things. two turned me down but this one seems to take anything. Family does not seem to want things. I thought they would. My husband's workshop was bartered for a man who did painting and other handiman work here, like a new coat on the wood floor. I still need to buy new kitchen appliances--"like new" probably. It is all so s-l-o-w because it is all on me! Thankfully the move in date has been postponed 3 times! I will explain that in the next message.

chris

Ctuptun, I recently uprooted myself to come in move in with my ex in laws. I was driving to a nearby town and I received a call from my ex mom in law saying that she just couldn't do it anymore. So after a long talk with my hubby, I moved in with them. They have been in my life for 32 years, I couldn't say no. Wow the stress is at times to say the least is overwhelming. While living here I found a good job but I stay so worried about if they ate right. I prepare their meals and leave instructions on what to do ( hand written) if the bills would stop I wouldn't have to work. Nevertheless I call them and come back as soon as possible. She has dementia and early alzheimers. He just battled cancer and a hip replacement. I get so upset at times because I had to leave my home and hubby what do you do? Relocation was hard. Just remember it's okay to do the right thing and it's okay to be upset at the situation try not to forget about yourself.

No this is not a panic situation. That happened 8 years ago! It was awful but done. I survived. Now I just want to relocate near Buffalo, NY. I don't want a place with all old people. We are both 67. I would still like a "life." If others are around at least he might keep busy by himself and not always totally dependent on me to entertain him. He watches absolutely everything I do and comments ! It drives me crazy. I need him to be busy with his own things at least part of the time. I pay someone 2 afternoons a week to pretty much occupy him . I pay morning aides to get him up. I would love an aide to put him into bed. But it is too expensive. Here I alone with no family nearby. In Erie County I have lots of relatives. At least we can visit back and forth. They would not be doing major care for my husband. I wish I could move this condo to Erie County! The only thing is that here I am alone caring for him or paying people. He uses a motorized wheelchair, a patient lift and a hospital bed. I am going by myself to look at places next week. I don't plan to move till the spring of 2015. chris

I guess I am looking for personal experiences of others who have relocated because of the caregiving situation. By searching on the internet , I have gotten a ton of "generic" information. I am dying to hear of real experiences of others. Even if those personal experiences are not just like ours, it still helps me . thanks, chris

Actually, we are currently considering just this. My husband and I already take care of my mother in the southern california desert. All of my family is in the Portland/Vancouver area. My husbands family is in Spokane. Last week my husband found out that his mother will not be able to live by herself much longer. He is currently in Spokane taking care of urgent matters that couldn't wait, and hopes to be back here within a week or two. We have several options - we could move his mom down here, which would mean we wouldn't have room for guests (no kids and grandkids could visit me, my brother couldn't provide respite, etc), we could sell this place and move to Spokane (my Mom is not too keen on below zero winters and doesn't know anyone there), or we can move to the Portland Vancouver area, which is what we're leaning towards. Lots of help from family there for both the moms, and not as cold as Spokane.

We would definitely have movers come in and do all the packing and moving for us. Having done this before, it is so much easier to have them do it for you. Then all you have to do is unpack boxes when you arrive. They put the boxes in the appropriate rooms. I think you can even get an unpacking service, although we have never had that. That might be worth it too! I swore my last move was literally my LAST MOVE, now here I am considering it again. Circumstances change.

ctupton, from your profile it says you are caring for your husband who had a stroke. Are you planning to relocate to some place that has a retirement community for the both of you or assistant living for your husband with you living nearby? Like GardenArtist had said above, there isn't much information to go on. Are you in a panic on what to do? It isn't an easy decision to move.

As for selling your house, it all depends on the real estate market in your area. With low inventory of houses for sale you probably would sell your home rather quickly for a good price.... but on the other side of the coin, you might not find what you want in the new location and you would find high prices. You might to think about renting for year while you are looking, unless you have a retirement community already in mind and they have openings.

Please write and give us more information :)

The questions you're asking would vary by location, family size and discretionary funds, etc. The issues of physically moving, selling a home and moving day are ones which will vary with every different circumstance whether caregiving is involved or not.

The questions are so broad that I can't help wonder what your real questions are...are you in a situation in which you don't want to move? Want to move? Need validation for your potential decision?

Try to narrow down your questions, give more detail on you and the person you'll be moving to care for, especially his/her physical condition, etc.

Frankly, this question is more like something I'd expect to find as an essay question on an exam in college. I can't help wondering what's behind it.

It's not my intent to insult or diminish any concerns; this just seems like such a broadly formed question it's hard to get a handle on what really concerns you.