How do you repair your relationship with your non-involved siblings after your parent passes?

It's very comforting to read these posts as I have been very upset not only with the passing of my mother recently but also hurtful criticism from my brothers. My mum had Dementia and other health problems and it was heartbreaking seeing her deteriorate both physically and mentally. She lived at home with my father which made things a little easier but as the only daughter with three brothers I took on the majority of care-giving plus supporting my father who was struggling. I have not worked for many years and am lucky that my husband was able to support us both whilst I cared for my parents. One of my brothers did help out which was a great help to me. One brother lives abroad and visited my once a year, the other lives nearby but didn't do much at all - the two brothers did squabble between them about care but I never complained to any of them. I was just happy to help my parents and make their lives as comfortable as I could. Sadly when my mother was in hospital and we were waiting for her to pass, my brother from abroad told me that the brother who was helping out told him that I was going on regular breaks away and that I was not there for mum. I was flabergasted not only that he would he was heartless enough to tell me this on our mothers death bed but also that considering I was doing the majority of the caregiving and not complaining how he could be so critical. I answered 'wasn't I allowed a life' and left it. But a month after mums death it reared its ugly head and I was so hurt and felt guilty about going away. I spoke to one of my brothers and said how hurt I was considering they knew how much I did for mum and dad. I know it's partly their guilt but I have had to make a very conscious effort to let it go because it has affected my health along with grieving for my mother. It really does not get you anywhere, some of the comments here are so true. I know what I did for my parents and am now supporting my father. I should leave it at that but sometimes I want to ask my eldest brother who lives abroad how he could be so heartless and hurt me the way he did. My two other brothers have health issues and I have never asked them for help or support. I know what it means now when they say look after number one.

Feel Trapped... I understand... The more you 'do', the 'more' people duck out/remove themselves from the one caregiving (makes it 'easy' for them and harder for you... And, causes you all kinds of chaos, friction and loss of 'your' life's finest/happiest moments). You deserve to be happy an be with your children and grandchildren... Life is too short.

nohelphere - Being in a similar situation, only it is my MIL and she has been with us for 14 years, there is no way we will have any relationship with my husband's 2 sisters. Heck, we do not have one now. They are too busy trying to avoid us so they do not have to do anything. They of course, will be the biggest cryers when she passes.

I do not know what started this, maybe the poster "doing the best I can" stated it best. It happens over time and the next thing you know, your life is totally consumed and you hate being in that spot.

My husband and I do nothing on weekends, like town festivals, movies, dinners, go into town for a few hours. We do nothing as a couple, except argue lately. It is very hard to drag his mother (87 and have to be in wheel chair) to places and he does not want to leave her alone either. Personally, I need time away from her. So now, I am now angry at him and his sisters. I have children and grandchildren and can not spend the time with them. This all feeds into the bitterness of the 2 sisters who refuse to help. The only help I am asking for is some weekends and vacation relief. They do not take her on holidays, she is luck if she gets a call or her birthdays. I want to look into Respite care, but around here you have to check MIL in for 2 weeks or more

MIL says nothing to her daughters, which makes me even angrier.

If you have these deep resentful feelings, I would suggest talking to a professional to help deal with these feelings. I believe that is where I am headed. I am becoming a person I do not want to be.

I dread days like Mother's Day when my 2 brothers called for their 10 minute 'duty' call to my mother (who lives at my house). They never ask for me and then my mother feels like the belle of the ball. I'm just about in tears today because I'm treated like I don't exist. I get depressed knowing that I don't have a 'real' family... And, after all I've done for them... And... After taking care of 'our' mother... I bought her tulips, two roses and even a pair of capri's... She looked at the capri's and said "boy, they make cheap material". Just can't win and now I have to fight the depression (my mother never, ever supports me... She says "why should I"?

I think that the direction of care (caring) should be completely shifted by the age of 70. Parents were kid-centered and 70 years is more than enough. The decline in ability from 70 to 80 yrs old is dramatic. I feel more sure than ever that kids need to be the givers by the time parents hit 70 years old. The times I've gotten some specific comments about my parents' abilities at age 85, I'm shocked so hear they (sibs) are focusing on what they are no longer receiving. ("Mom should be calling ME." "Dad took me to colleges and now he isn't sure what college I went to.") That's part of the process, but they're late! Get over it, quick! At 70, eyes off self and needs. Duh.

What I've decided for myself so far is this: the sibs have already ended the sibling relationship (one of mine has, one hasn't). But the relationship still exists between the parents and them. So help those relationships be the best they can be for the remaining days or years (while viewing the sibs as near strangers, since that's what they are to you). Expect after this is over to behave as if they never existed. If YOU need help for yourself, they won't help you- that is proven. If they need help, good luck to them. Since you don't have children- so they? and if so, I bet you already helped them out plenty as young parents, and were great to your nieces and nephews. just guessing. You will be absolutely alone after this, so cherish the company of the parent you are helping right now.

I live 1000 miles away,have a muscle disease and am disabled I spent over 50% of the year with my parents to help with my dad who died of dementia last year. My mother is mentally unstable but refuses treatment. She is also physically disabled in need of two total knees which she refuses to have fixed due to her anxiety. My brother his wife and three children( high school and college age ) lived 35 minutes away. They did very little came out once or twice a month. My only son (25 ) spent every school break and summer there helping them doing hands on care Because that's how I raised him. If i suggested my niece and nephews help my sister in law would intervene with a reason they couldn't.

Now post death. My mother tore up the will they had splitting everything between my brother and I, signed the house and property in his name and her bank account.

But who does she called 20 plus times a day and expect to be taken care of by? Me.
To say it hurts is an understatement. I just wish I could walk away without the guilt I feel.
If I could have I would have brought my dad to my house to take care of him but my disease is exacerbated by stress. My mom provides plenty of it.

I don't know the answer to your question but I can relate!

I CAN relate to you. I've taken care of my mom & now my dad who is very ill. Your right you shouldn't ask & they know. If you do ask they find reasons for not being able to help. I feel your pain. They want their lives to go on as if it's ok. Go to weddings, come & go as they please. No responsibilities! I have nieces & nephews that are over 21 & won't help. They learn from their parents. Don't listen to the obe's who say "you" chose this. No one chooses to give up their lives & fall behind financially. If I didn't they would never had fun be it. After asking numerous times for help with my dad the truth came out of his mouth @ just put him in s nursing home " somewhere I pray I won't go. I do get some help from my 2 adult children. And I didn't have to ask/beg them. When my dads dr found out he wanted their numbers to ask them why they can't just help & not have to be asked, but I want to keep peace & they'll only think I put the dr up to it. May God Bless you. Try & find an honest ( it's hard to find) family that will love you & they may help you when you get older. From one understanding friend to another, I wish you the best.

Yes I guess as GayleV put it it just starts small and before you know it you are it. I think I can forgive my siblings for not helping but I'll never forget and theres the rub. Cause the relationship is never going to be the same.

In some ways this has been empowering for me though cause my siblings have always lorded it over me and now even though they would never admit it they know I am a kinder, more responsible daughter and I know it too so I can carry that with me.

Irish, Guess I am not alone with being told that I didn't need to be there as often as I was from people who had no idea what a typical day was like.

Whitney, no truer words were spoken. My brother couldn't be bothered to even come see our father as he lay dying for 4 days in the ICU, he told me he would come and didn't. The day after dad was dead he got on a plane though. He didn't even make an attempt to hide his motivation. It was beyond disgusting.

GayleV, what a wonderfully written post. You're absolutely right they hide behind excuses or turn the situation around to ease their guilt.

My brother had the nerve to tell me that my parents took me in....LOL. Took me in, I moved across the country because they needed help...took me in. That the 5yrs I did caregiving, was only needed at the end with my dad according to him, as if he would know, he visited once a year and never spent time with my parents....so not true. And insulting to boot, but as my cousin said to me "the rest of the family knows the truth".

Hello Nohelphere,

I totally get what you're going through. My story is much the same as yours and others here.. I have several siblings that feel totally excused from any involvement by virtue of distance. (Same state, different city.) Like some other here too, I've been through this with both parents. And yes, my siblings and I always had a good relationship, but after all these years of being the only one stuck with doing everything, the feelings aren't what they were. And that saddens me a lot.

Ignore the people who try to imply that your situation is your own fault for not asking for help. This entire situation is not your fault. You didn't one day just decide to give up your life to be a slave to your parent. That happened very slowly.

It started with the first time you had to sort the mail for a confused parent, who can't tell the difference between junk and bills. Or the time you climbed the ladder to reach something for them, carried up the laundry, the times you picked up some items at the grocery, the first time you had to help them figure out why a check bounced, did a small household repair. Maybe it started with the time you drove them to a doctor that was just a little farther away. Eventually you had to go into the office with them, every time, because they didn't understand the doctor. So you eventually drove to all appointments, and bought all medications, filled pill boxes. And over time, years, and maybe more years, it slowly, so slowly you hardly noticed, turns into doing all the finances, doing all grocery shopping, doing all the laundry, doing all the cleaning, all the everything.

And it wasn't easy. Even as your parent required, and demanded more and more of your time and attention, likely they made doing it all as difficult as possible, since they wanted to believe they were still self sufficient. Which they weren't. But the transition (from competent to incompetence) was probably seamless for them.

Likely you didn't see the enormity of what was happening either. At first. But little by little your life was being obliterated by their needs. At first you cut back on the "extra" things like classes and volunteering. And you didn't linger at the mall shopping for yourself anymore. You found yourself having to say no to "the girls day out" because you had to take mom to the doctor that day. You canceled or cut short other social visits because of all you had to do. After you found yourself turning down invites so often, eventually the gang didn't ask you anymore. Work suffered because you were getting attention-demanding calls at work, or were worried about what problem was being created by your parent while they were on their own, and stressed about what you would find when you got there. Or maybe you were exhausted because those calls came in the middle of the night. You worried mom wasn't safe alone, till eventually that wasn't safe enough. You quit your job.

And while more and more of your attention was on your parent, he/she only wanted more. As that old person's life was disappearing, they just expected to have yours.

Now some seem to be saying, you should have asked for help, but exactly at what point in that slow progression were you suppose to start shouting for help. More likely, (and I'd bet my bottom dollar) that you actually told your siblings all about this stuff. All of it. The request for help was clearly, even if only implied.

You mentioned the unbalanced check book, the doctors visits, the episodes of confusion. The times Dad got lost, the dents in the car. You surely told them of the hours sitting in the emergency room with Mom. The cost of Depends, reason you left your job. One at a time, little by little, they WERE told, and they knew you were doing all this work.....

Funny how they would suddenly remember something they really must do right now, when any phone conversation turned to the topic of how difficult things were getting. Yes this is their parent too. You were not born an only child, and they knew that!

Except they just didn't want to know. So they turned a blind eye to it all, shut their brains to the knowledge that they were in fact, dumping their own responsibility on you. Facing the truth would have been very emotionally uncomfortable. So they would not face it.

And you can almost understand how the more misery you were in, the less they wanted to shoulder their share of it. (Who would?) You were lucky to get any acknowledgement of it. But that would most likely have gone something like this: "Gee I wish I could help, but we're just so far away." "We're just so busy". Essentially salving their own conscience with useless sympathy and absolving themselves of any need to help. You wouldn't be human if the close and loving feelings you had for your siblings were unaffected.

In the worst moments for me, it has felt like I was hanging off the side of a cliff by my fingernails, and seeing them walk away. The worst part was, in those moments I WAS asking, begging for help; saying in precisely these words: "I can't do this all alone." " I don't want to make these decisions all alone." And no one helped.

So don't let anyone here fool you into thinking that all you had to do was ask. Sure you could have asked. But the answer to the all the implied requests for help, was "no". Asking in precise words doesn't necessarily yield any better answer.

As for repairing the relationship once your parent is gone..., like others have said above, I'm not sure it can be done, but it will really depend on your own capacity for forgiveness. There really is nothing they can do to make it up to you. You can't ever get back what your life would have been.. And certainly, don't ever expect anything resembling an apology. After the death, an apology would only serve to make them feel better, so you wouldn't want one anyway.

You will have to just act like the good relationship you used to have, still exists. You will have to forget all the work and misery of all those years, and above all, never mention how they let you and their parent down.

Why? Because people do not want to be around others who make them feel bad. Just seeing you (the person they failed, and dumped all that work and misery onto) may be guilt inducing enough to make them feel uncomfortable. Enough so that they may not want to be around you. Just feeling that guilty can make them behave as if they are angry with you. Certainly being reminded of it in words will not produce the family closeness that I think you'd like to have back. It sure as heck is not fair, but that's the way it is. That is how people protect their own psyche.

So you can anticipate that they will try to rearrange reality in their own minds, in order to live with themselves. There's a lot of negative feelings to be found there. They will either continue to hide behind cercumstance ("we lived so far away") or either be blaming you (ie: you chose to do what you did, so it's not my fault.) or turn it into anger at you (questioning what happened to all Dad's money) or try rewrite history and believe that they really did "visit all the time" and "helped all the time." (FWIW, remember you don't have to do anything to make them feel less guilty, as deserve to own that. Unless you are a saint, any reference to things like "how hard we had it" when mom was so ill," can be met with a skeptically questioning "We?" )

But in general, if you want those siblings in your life, you will have to act like you were not hurt, or angry. You won't ever forget, but if you want the relationship with them enough, you will have to try to forgive. Is it worth it? I really don't know. Only you can answer that.

Suzy&Betsy: thanks your explanation was perfect.

I don't think it is possible to repair your relationship with your non-involved siblings, as it sounds as if they were consistently "unavailable" to help you with caregiving. Speaking for myself, I could repair a relationship with a sibling who helped me some or most of the time, and/or who was willing to do something helpful on a fairly regular or regular basis, but not with a sibling that had a rigid, selfish, inflexible attitude. Beware though, the only thing that we know for sure, is that the non-involved siblings, do indeed become VERY involved when it is time to collect the inheritance.

This kind of sibling 'behavior' reminds me of situations with 'certain' co-workers at the workplace... You know... The ones that won't help you and will even go out of their way to make your life at work miserable. Similar question: Would you hang around these co-workers once you quite your job? (all-in-all, I know it hurts more when it's your family... but, you can only be a masochist for so long)

Correct you can't change people, but you do have control over whether you want contact or not. I don't want contact with someone I have no respect for and don't find to be a decent human being.

And not everybody "loves" you the best way they can, some people just don't give a d*mn about anyone besides themselves.

In the words of Maya Angelou "when someone shows themselves to you, BELIEVE THEM".

At my father's funeral, I made two statements that govern my relationships with my siblings. "You can't make somebody love you the way you want them to. You either accept that they love you the best that they can, or you move on with your life." If you cannot accept the way that you were treated while being a caregiver, you have few options other than therapy for them or you. You will not change them, you will not make them feel guilty. My mother's favorite: You can't fix stupid.

" I believe if they can't be human beings 'while' your parent is still living, then it really doesn't matter any more...Sad but true."

That's it! Couldn't have said it better myself.

Why would you want anyone in your life who when you needed support, gave you none, and in many cases made a difficult situation worse? Smart people know you don't want or need them in your life.

It's fills my heart to read all these responses from our caregiver family on this site. The tell-tail sign for me (after asking for help from my brothers for years now) is the 'look' (scowl/grimace/defense shield go up...) when I even say the slightest thing pertaining to 'our' mother (she has lived with me for 10 yrs now... absolutely no help and in retrospect... lots of anger directed toward me in any matters). I know I have to leave it all behind... I believe if they can't be human beings 'while' your parent is still living, then it really doesn't matter any more...Sad but true.

Well very few posts on here answered the OP's question. Which was how do you repair your relationship with a non-involved sibling after the parent passes?

The answer is in many cases, you don't. Once the parent/parents are gone there is no reason for contact. Of course every situation is different.

My brother was AWFUL, it's not just that he didn't help, I didn't really expect him to as he lived over 1,000 miles away. But when he did visit, he used the house like a hotel. Spent little to no time with our parents. Even after I said something to him, he said "well this is my vacation".

The last time he saw our father alive was when he said he came down to see dad as he wasn't doing good, and it was to HELP(his words). He saw me doing laundry and sat on his a**, I had to ask him "could you please get the mail","could you please bring in the garbage can".....a decent person asks "how can I help or what can I do", if they're really that clueless.

Dad had two Dr. appts in the same medical complex back to back, he says "have fun", I said "you're not going".. "I didn't come down here to go to Dr. appts"....LOL...so much for your help. Well my father overheard that and told him he was going, even if it was just to hold a door open. At this point my father was on oxygen and a WC to get around.

He didn't come to see our father as he lay dying in the ICU for 4 days, but was down the day after he died for his cut. He also stole valuables and went over to the local bank and caused a scene demanding to know what accounts my father had. Any idiot should know you can't do that.

I have nothing to do with him. I don't think about him too much(other than on here)but he isn't a nice person. He is a best very self absorbed, at worst he may be a sociopath.

I have two cousins who have been more like brothers, and I consider them that.

But you certainly don't keep people in your life who have treated you horribly, just because you share DNA.

terrible comments. We all should just do our part and Be thankful we still having "Living" relative.
You cant hug a grave.
I have overseen neighbors as the "family" was too busy. I was told by the person I oversaw " Love is Thicker then blood" that is how my part was seen.I oversee a mental relative no one else wants to do it. But I look into those eyes and remind myself there is love in there. My siblings are $$ hungry. Well you can't take it with you. But I know my soul is filled with the love and good deeds I try to do daily.God Bless

Patrice2oz, I think that assisted living facilities differ by state and by the facility type. Some are nicer than others, which means they cost more and generally don't accept Medicare or Medicaid. They only accept long-term care insurance, which many people my mom's generation (she's 89) don't have, being a relatively newer invention.
So when mom's money runs out, she will have to move out of her current facility. Re. your question of why we wouldn't start her out someplace that does accept Medicare/Medicaid... it's primarily due to 2 reasons. (1) She's 89 and not in the greatest health. Her money will last until she's 100. So there's a good chance that she will not outlive her money, given the circumstances. (2) You get what you pay for. We toured about 20 facilities... the higher the cost, the care and the facilities are better. Mom had to stay in some rehab facilities ("skilled nursing care, or nursing homes") after some hospital stays and they were nightmares. Dirty, neglectful staff, you have to be there every day and almost badger them to make sure that your loved one gets proper basic care (getting socks on her feet before she goes to the bathroom, gets changed daily, gets sponge baths, etc.). That's why we don't put mom in a cheaper place.. b/c her quality of life will frankly suck. She has early stage dementia, but is cognizant enough to know the difference. If she were completely out of it, it may not make as big a difference, in terms of HER quality of life (or rather, her awareness of it).
I hope that answers your question.

I think many family members " choose" to be ignorant and thus non involved in the care of family members. From what I've read on this site it seems to me that caregiving is predominately a "learned" task. We can't change those family members that won't help and all the resentment and tears won't change a thing. We just have to keep doing the best we can.
I am so thankful for this site and for the folks who contribute to it. I get more support from strangers on a computer web site than I do from family. Thanks

I was my mother's 24/7 caregiver; she had Alzheimer's disease. My sisters thought they knew everything but knew nothing about caring for someone with dementia. I, on the other hand, was in an email support group for people dealing with dementia and learned so much. After my mom died, I took the high road and never mentioned our former problems. What's the use of dredging up past history. We now get along pretty well.

I don't believe I answered the real question -- how to repair relationship with non-involved siblings after a parent passes. This is an individual decision. Some may choose to keep a polite distance; other may walk away. Still others may pray that time will heal wounds. In the end, I do believe in the power of forgiveness, in whatever form that may take. Blessings and prayers for strength and peace to all caregivers.

I remember before my mom went to the nursing home I had asked my sister to look in on my mom from time to time cause the load was getting too much to bear. She assured me that she would go the next day and look in on Mom.

I drove past my mom's that afternoon curious if my sisters car was in the parking lot. No it wasn't. I had an instinct that something wasn't right so I let myself into my mom's place and she had wet herself and was talking to herself cause she was delirious with sepsis due to a severe kidney infection.

I phoned an ambulance first and then my sister who was resentful that I phoned her and proceeded to lecture me on how I couldn't handle things myself. She had never intended on seeing my mom that day. My mom nearly died in the hospital that night. So no I don't count on my siblings,

I can relate to these responses and behaviors (or lack thereof) from siblings. It's very difficult when they don't do what's asked, or stop by for "visits" and often are clueless. I think most of my sibs are in denial or frankly, just don't care. I finally realized that having resentment and anger was hurting me, not them. I prayed a lot. I talked to a good friend. I decided to focus on what I'm doing and not on what my siblings are NOT doing. No, it's not easy. Many days I want to give up, but I love my dad (who had a stroke two years ago) and that love is often what carries me through. And knowing when he dies, I will be at peace because I did all I could. Blessings and prayers to many of us who struggle with family members who just don't -- or won't -- help. So hard.

You may be able to get paid to take care of your mom, although I know you'd do it without payment, you must think of your future as well. contact your local area agency on aging or bureau of senior services for info on in home programs that your mom may be eligible for.
As for family not helping, I see this all the time. It's unfortunate. I think some people just don't know what to do. You could have a family meeting and discuss 'taking turns' caring for mom even if it's for a couple of days. Realize that some may not be 'cut out' for caregiving. They probably do not have a clue about all the things you do because mom is living with you. This includes extra expenses, meals, laundry, medical appointments etc. You should be using mom's funds for mom's care and the things she needs. As for repairing the relationship, that may never happened. If they came to my house and made comments about mom's care I wouldn't be too happy and would probably tell them they don't have a right to comment since they are not involved. You would think families would band together during times like these, you just do the best you can. I applaud you for taking your mom in when she needed your help. Remember, you are not alone as a caregiver and many of us also have family issues.

Sorry that was addressed for suzy&betsy

I have zero experience with assisted living however I thought that when you ran out of funds you would still be assured a medicare bed in nursing home section of facility. I am guessing that not all assisted living facities have this option? Why would you just not start with an assisted living that facility that has this option rather then moving mom when her funds are depleted?