My sisters provide very little to no help in the care of my Mother but are quick to judge me and readily discuss how "I am not handling the task well from an emotional perspective". My mom lost vision in one eye and has seriously compromised vision in the other eye. She was a staunchly independent woman but now lives in her own apartment in my home, and my sisters justify their lack of help because they do not live near us. However when they do visit, it is just that a visit- like they are company. If I want them to dust or mop or vacuum, I must ask them to do something, basically a favor to help me out. They will say things like " if you need me to do something, then just ask". Well I don't want to ask because then it is a favor they are doing for me. My point of view is no one needs to ask me - if the house needs to be cleaned - I can see it with my own eyes - and simply do what needs to be done to keep Mom and her apartment clean. I have given up asking them to do anything, they are just so clueless with respect to her needs. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point that I believe when my Mom passes, my relationship with them will be nothing more than just being courteous to each other on the rare occasions I will happen to see them. So sad, we used to all be very close.
I have made many mental notes to myself regarding my own impending old age that I would like to share. I have a ton of resentment and constantly hear their feable excuses about why they cannot help. By the by, both sisters are retired and receiving their SS. As for me, mid 50s, walked away from my career and draining my 401k (with penalties), severely compromised my future security, an no kids to potentially take care of me in old age. How will I get passed this resentment?
And the reason they ask YOU if YOU need any help from them is to put you in your place as the caregiver. You should reply, hey if you think it is okay mom to be in a dirty house, ok. I don't, my standards are higher than yours when it comes to caring for OUR mother.
Mom's money will last 10 years. If she lives beyond that, I'm sure my siblings will not help. But 4-5 years before that happens, I will ask my siblings what they plan to contribute. I will not walk away from my job or drain my 401K b/c I am single & childless, so when I'm old and require care, no one will be there for me. I will instead, figure out a way to care for mom in a cheaper environment somehow, while still maintaining a certain comfort & care level.
My advice to you is... talk to your siblings about needing help. They need to help out too. If they still refuse, then you can cut ties with no remorse, when the time comes. Also, you need to think about your own future, b/c I doubt your siblings will help in your old age. Don't give up everything. Find resources to help out. As the flight attendants say, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you can help anyone else. Don't be a complete slave to your mother and siblings. You need to also think about yourself. Otherwise, you will end up full of resentment and stress-induced illnesses. Good luck.
ps. If you were penniless, what would your siblings do? You are not being fair to yourself, to self sacrifice so much. You must think about your own future, while caring for mom. Easier said than done, but just keep thinking to yourself... if I had a zero balance tomorrow, what would I do, to care for mom? And then pretend you have a zero balance. I am willing to bet my bottom dollar that your siblings will not help you out when you're old and require care and have no money.
Nohrelphere, my guess is that when your mom dies you and your siblings are each going to go their own way and no longer talk. You could address the issue now, which probably would result in a fight, and still no help. I would, at least things would be out in the open, and you would feel better knowing you tried. If you end up screaming at each other, so be it There going to use the fact that they don't live close as an excuse not to help, and that's a lot of bull.
Take out the emotions and be straight forward. I bet that will take them by surprise that sis isn't Cinderella anymore.
Good luck
I imagine when Mom is gone I will have a polite but distant relationship with my brother. It is not because I resent him or dislike him but it's because while I have basically given up my life these years to care for our parents, he's had a chance to lead a "normal" life. Think of the opportunities he's had. He's taken multiple vacations out of the country, he's gotten to see and play with his grandchildren, he plays golf almost daily, he has been able to do what he wants when he wants. When this caregiving is over I'm going to have a lot of living to do to make up for the years I've lost and I'm not sure there will be time for a close relationship with my brother.
I was faced with a choice - to go on caring for Mom myself without help, or to help her financially to move to my sisters' community. Neither was a good choice, and I knew it at the time, but I thought giving up the savings would be less painful in the long run than being solely responsible for my mother's ever-increasing needs. I think on balance it was - one of my sisters helps Mom quite a bit and provides me with a lot of moral support. The other, not so much, and the out of state siblings, not at all. FWIW, I took joint ownership of my mother's house so that if there is any equity in the house remaining after my mother dies, I won't have to share it with my siblings. I doubt very much I'll get most of my down payment back but at least whatever is there won't have to be shared with do-nothing siblings.
So I dug deeper. I found out that she was only ten when her father died of cancer. Her mother insisted she go see him lying dead in bed.
She did not cry, she just went blank and never spoke about it. Ever.
To this day she is no good in any crisis. She is 60.
So I guess for every one of us who jumps in to be the caregiver, there are at least two sibling that just go blank. You can't repair the blank ones. You just let it go, give it to God, and move on.
My mom passed away in 2010, and after her burial, the strong family tie broke. I am still asking 'what went wrong, and how to restore that tie.'. When you get the answer, please share it with me..
I directly ask my retired sister to please visit mom once a month to take her out to lunch and shopping, so I can have a break and Mom can have a change of scenery. Mom lives in a retirement center. My sister agreed to this, but doesn't follow through. She didn't bother to visit for several months over the last year, but is happy to show up for parties hosted at my home. In the past I have offered for my sister to stay in my home while visiting with Mom, since my sister lives 2 hours away. Last time my sister's visit went on for 5 days and she only saw Mom at my house for a few hours on Thanksgiving. No visit at Christmas. No visit in January.
She called yesterday to inquire about Mom's Birthday Party in February and said I am always mad. The same issue has been addressed several times, so I will no longer ask for help or keep her updated on Mom's status. It's beating a dead horse!
I have become angry and resentful, but yesterday decided to let it all go and do the right thing for Mom. I will have no regrets and my happiness returned when I decided you can't control what other family members do. If you have asked for help and have been refuse, move on. Who cares about building a relationship when Mom passes...the only time we have is now.
I heard my SIL say "I told my kids that they better not ever put me in a NH in Illinois." I said "They can't put you anywhere. You need to make that decision, soon." She is 70 and she looked at me like I was out of my mind.
I also drained my 401(k), with penalties, in my case to put a down payment on Mom's house so she could live closer to more of her adult children. My siblings knew I didn't want to do it ( I came right out and told them this, loud and clear), but it was easier for them to just let it happen because any different plan would have involved them more than they wanted. I have seen this over and over - siblings who were previously close have no problem making one of them the sacrificial lamb so the parent's needs can be accommodated without disrupting anybody else's life too much. I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm not on speaking terms with two of my sisters and I don't expect that to change after my mother dies.
As for your financial difficulties it seems to me if your mom is able to live in her own apartment within your home she probably doesn't really need you there 24/7. Perhaps it is time to admit to yourself, your mom and your sibs that you didn't think this through and things need to change. You say you all used to be close, so I'm sure none of them expect you to be dipping into your retirement funds and compromising your own future. Its O.K. to change your mind. Ask for them to help you brainstorm ideas to get you back on track financially. Can mom go to senior daycare while you work? Is she able to stay alone part of the day with caregivers? Would she be better off in assisted living? It is in YOUR power to change things, don't quietly simmer until you burn out or explode.
Mother did allow trusted neighbors to clean and do the handyman work, but that was it. She threw a fit once, when I hired the snow cleared from her driveway.
So, sometimes we are damned when we do and damned when we don't.
My situation is somewhat similar to yours, except I have one brother who lives states away. I have assumed all care for my parents (because we lived in the same state), even though my brother is married, so there could have been two people doing the work instead of just me. I've had full responsibility for my mom for 13 years and my dad for 9 before he passed away.
My feelings about my brother have gone through ups and downs. For a long while, I was so angry at him, it was killing me (and not hurting him in the least). So I finally figured that out and now I tolerate him. He's teased that when his time comes, I can take care of him too...and I've told him that ain't never going to happen! I'm single, never married, no kids. He doesn't have any kids either, so we're on our own in that way. My brother isn't a bad guy, he's just totally clueless and married to a clueless wife. In 13 years of taking care of our parents, I'd say I've gotten less than a handful of sincere "thank yous" or a gift or something to indicate he has some idea of the stress and strain this has put on me.
Once my mom goes, I'm not sure what my relationship with him will be - but I'll never fully trust him to do the right thing as far as caregiving goes, because he's been woefully inadequate with our mom. He did say to change mom's will, so that I would get everything, so I respect him for that choice. But that's about as far as it goes.
I have also learned that I have to ask for what I need from him, even though it seems obvious to me. I finally told him I needed him to call mom one day a week, so I could have one "down" day where I didn't do anything for her. He kept forgetting to do it and after a big blow-up from me, he's been good about doing that. It's pretty pitiful to me when you have to ask/cajole/beg a child to spend three minutes on the phone once a week with their one remaining parent, but that's what it took. So hang in there, you are NOT alone.
Is there any chance that mom can afford Assisted Living so you can go back to work?
You might try honestly talking to them and letting them know you can no longer care for Mom as you do now and other options need to be explored. Check with senior services for what assistance Mom qualifies for. Allow someone to come in to clean and take care of laundry each week. Maybe you can find a part time job. No where is it written that we should give up our emotional and physical wellbeing for someone else; no matter how much we love them. Take care of yourself first.
Wishing you all the best!
Since I was just looking for some insight on how I may be able to repair my relationship with my sister's and do not want to now defend myself and my decisions on this site, I withdraw this question and will figure it out on my own.
I did not want my sister to care for mother hand and foot. Mother practically became an invalid. AND the stress killed my sister.
What you are in is a no win situation. You are doing what you think is right and your sisters are doing what they think is right. I am not a care giver. In fact, I make things worse, because I think if you live at home, you need to be able to do basic functions.
Now, Mother is a spry 95 yo, living at the nursing home, where she should have been 5 years ago.
Good luck to you. I think you know what is best.
How much care does mom need? What are her resources? Is the cost of care less where your sisters live?
Care in NYC is very high. When mom declined to the point that she could no longer stay in Independent Living near her old home, we sat down and researched the options for cost of care and quality of care near each of us. One of my brothers is much less involved, but also still has kids in school. My other brother and I came to an agreement about where mom would live and who would be responsible for what. When one goes on vacation, we tell the other, who increases visits/vigilance. We make sure that we're not all away at the same time.
An yes, you have to ask them to dust or mop. I would never assume that that's expected on a visit unless someone asked me.