Mom wants to be with me 24/7 and is fantastic at the guilt thing. She doesn't want me going anywhere without her (she lives with me), doesn't want to spend her money on help. I want my life with my husband back but she just doesn't understand. She says she does and then is VERY upset if we go anywhere without her. I honestly can't stand this anymore. She's very controlling yet has alzheimers. Sometimes I just wish it would get worse so she didn't even know me anymore and I could put her in a nursing home. Right now I can't as it's her biggest fear. I'm tired (work fulltime and take care of my disabled hubby) but I want private time with him. Even going to the movies makes her unhappy being alone for 2 hours. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and no one in the family even calls anymore. I'm very very alone other than hubby and he's had it too with her making me feel guilty and sad. My depression is very bad right now but i can't even find time for a psychologist to go to. Not a free minute in my day. HELP
B, you just have to put your foot down. My dad died a year ago yesterday and he catered to every sneeze my mom had. She was spoiled rotten. I'm thankful that the hospice people pointed that out to me, otherwise I would be living a guilt ridden life.
Sometimes, it just takes a person from the outside to see how you live. That's what changed it for me.
Tough love kiddo. Tell your mom you're dying inside because you're not present in life. Do you really want that for me mom?!
Is assisted living a possibility? You sound like where I was six months ago. My life was miserable when my mom lived with us. I don't know where I found the courage to get her into AL, but I did. I thank my dad for my strength with her actually. :)
How can your mother refuse to let you go out? Other people can buy you tickets for a guilt trip, but you are in control of whether to go or not. Or you should be. If you need help with that, see a counselor. See a counselor even if Mother doesn't want you to be gone regularly.
If she really needs 24/7 care, she is in the wrong place. She needs a placement where they have a night shift, and enough staff to spell each other for breaks. If she is well enough to live in your home, she needs to be able to stay on her own for reasonable periods. If this isn't possible, then she needs either to go somewhere else or to pay for assistance to come into the home.
What is she saving her money for? Has Alz made her forget we can't take it with us?
Maybe dementia has made her incapable of making decisions in her own best interest. Just as your daughter could pick out what to where to kindergarten but not do the menu planning at 5, there may be some decisions you have to take over for your mother, for her sake.
Figure out the boundaries. Lay it out for Mom in terms she can understand. Here is how we can keep you here with us: 1, 2, 3. Spell out the help that has to be available. Spell out your expectation to be able to go out, by yourself, and with your husband. Tell her what has to happen financially. Repeat as necessary. Be firm and kind.
You don't have to wait until she doesn't know you to place her in a long term care facility. Try keeping her with you with some in-home help and some boundaries, while you are getting some counselling. Work at it. And know that if you can't make it work there are alternatives. Really.
It's easy to give advice, I know, when it's not in your lap! But I do understand how valuable the time you spend with your husband can be, and you need that for yourself. You'll be making the right decision when you are seeking a balanced approach to loving and caring for your mom. If the scale tips too far in her direction, you yourself are off balance, and it hurts both you and your family when mom gets the lion's share of resources, care, and attention.
Good luck to you!
I am in the exact same place as you with my Mom ... I'm at my wits end as well ... and I'm on my own with dealing with her. I know that I have to find a way to have some time to myself WITHOUT the guilt from her affecting me ... I'm just beginning to think about how to do that too.
No advice here ... just great big ears that hear your cry.
Wanting to figure out how to get some time to oneself is not dwelling on the negative. Trying to balance the conflicting needs of two loved ones is not about me, me, me.
I hope you didn't mean to, but you certainly came across as very judgmental. Where is the love in that?
Bhenson, I and more than most of us on this website encourage you to take the necessary steps to help your Mom, yourself and your family, that way you'll feel better that it's not just me, it's "we".
I really wish you well on this journey, you deserve it.
I saw her 2x's a week because I love her their is more behind the story. In your life now you are the boss the parent and you need to tell her "this is going to happen and thats that". Its hard to be a parent's parent God I know. but you don't want to give up your life. give good attitudes and smile and say this is whats happening today. This is just advice.
Peeweedeb, I am sorry you are feeling such stress at this time. I think it may be causing you to read into things more than is there. I don't know exactly who the "you" is who is just like everyone else. If you mean Sumlerc, I don't see her making decisions for anyone else at all. She is encouraging all of us to take care of ourselves, but not how we have to make that happen. What decision do you think she had made for you? (Actually, her response was addressed to Bhenson.)
At the risk of offending you, I too think we should all take care of ourselves. We are each unique and valuable individuals. We deserve it. And even if you reject that premise, if you collapse and wind up in the hospital, then who will take care of Mother? Part of our devotion to our loved ones should be an effort to keep ourselves strong enough to continue the journey with them. We are all just here sharing our experiences and trying to encourage each other. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
We don't judge other caregivers on this site. We don't criticize them for having frustration amidst doing a very tough job. Some people have a martyr complex and give a passive-aggressive message to make you feel badly about feeling badly!!! Don't believe everything you read here. Consider the source! Don't let anyone put a guilt trip on you!!! YOU and your dear husband are entitled to your privacy and life. Do what you have to do and remember: one of these days, her soul will move on, but you do not have to be miserable in the meantime. Have a good cry and go find a nice memory care home to place her in. You are a good daughter, and you will visit her enough. Hugs and Blessings, dear one:) Christina
As of this moment I am waiting to find out if she's eligible for some kind of Medicare-covered in-home care; the funds are not sufficient for privately funded care. She doesn't want anybody in the house, says it will take her privacy. I KNOW it's time for role reversal; I'm losing my mind.
Has anyone experienced anything similar and if so, HOW did you do it without losing you mind? I can't even go to work without coming home to these delusions and God forbid I should want to go out in the evening with my boyfriend or a friend! I also have a 4 year old long-haired Chihuahua Dolly. Mom says she's not leaving Dolly, or I'd let my brother, nine years my senior and two hours away, take a turn at this...but she won't move without the dog and the dog is mine. Incidentally, her moving in with him is an impossibility...and don't ask why, it just is.
I would appreciate all the moral support I can get. I took another day off work to find someone to stay with her at least a couple hours/day, someone to talk to besides me and my boyfriend. I can't help but wonder where all of my relatives are that say they love her...or her neighbors who say they miss her. She never hears from anyone. It's really sad and I'm really exhausted...at 56, I don't need the stress either.
First thing I'd do is get her checked out for a UTI. It's surprising how often that is the source of confusion and delusion. Medicare doesn't cover in-home care except in short-term situations, following a hospitalization.
What she might qualify for, depending on what her other health issues are, is hospice care. This would get a nurse and whole team of compassionate care givers in to help every week, I've done that for my very frail elderly Dad. And what it does is give him an expert to eyeball him once a week, a chaplain to help him sort out his conflicts with God (Is furious at God AND doesn't believe in God, so you see the disconnect), and I have someone I can ask questions of. It doesn't mean my Dad IS dying -- just that he has a constellation of issues that make it statistically likely that he may. I am so grateful for the extra help. You might be, too.