My parents are both in poor health - my father is in remission from leukaemia though is currently in the ICU for the 5th time in as many months with a lung infection, and my mom has depression and a slow growing blood cancer. I'm 32 and have one sibling who does not help in any way with their care. We don't really have any other family to speak of.
Initially I was living abroad and moved home in 2010 when my father had his first bout of cancer. At that time both my parents were in their mid 60s and were fit and active. After the initial diagnosis he had ups and downs with his health, so I got a job nearby and lived with them until late last year. The more well they seemed to be I guess the more tired we became of each other (!!), and the time seemed right for me to leave again and resume my life abroad. I got a fantastic job, we said our goodbyes, they told me not to worry about them etc.
A week later I got the call that my dad was in ICU and it was 'touch and go' and that I needed to come home as it didn't look like he would pull through. My job were great and gave me some time off, and we've been on an emotional rollercoaster since then. Thankfully my dad has regained consciousness and is doing well, for now. My mum has taken his latest illness incredibly hard and emotionally she is not coping. My sibling is nowhere to be seen.
The time has come where my job really needs an answer from me as to whether I'm coming back or not. I am so very torn, and when I think about quitting the resentment builds. It's not my parents' fault, and to be honest when I think about leaving them it upsets me. But I do also worry about staying. No-one can say how long my dad has and in what condition he'll be if he's discharged from hospital. My mum has spent a great deal of time caring for him too and I don't know if she'll cope if this happens again. Her depression adds a terrible dimension to everything she goes through and really does drag me down too, much as I try not to let it.
I love my parents, and I care for them because I think if I were in the same situation I'd hope someone would do it for me. They're not especially high dependency yet, and the care I provide is mainly trying to help them cope with daily things like shuttling them from hospital appointments, getting groceries, household chores etc. but with time I imagine their needs will increase.
I have no friends here as I left this town quite young, and I worry how I would cope if I lost them both and found myself here with no support system. I feel like if I don't go back to 'my life' now I never will, but the other half of me is racked with guilt for even feeling that way. I know there is no easy answer, but is there anything that can help me find my way to a decision?
In addition to setting up outside help, you might want to find out if mom's depression meds should be increased/changed. If she's been on one drug for a long time, there may be newer ones that work better, or she may need an additional medication. Just a thought. All the best to you and your family!
Would you parents be able to hire a taxi to take them to doctor appointments? A housekeeper to come in once a week or every other week to clean? Does your area have on-line grocery shopping with home delivery, assuming your parents are still able to use a computer? That way your parents will be able to feel they are still independent by setting up these things themselves. It's something to think about.
Just back to my mum's depression - she is on meds and visits a psychologist once a week. She's battled it bravely virtually her whole adult life and just seems to be going through a particularly bad patch just now.
I believe that the previous advice can help you set up a system of support for your parents' care.
This not by far an easy decision to make. You will be in my prayers.
Keep in touch.
My sibling lives 15 miles away and has a small child. Both them and their spouse lost their jobs in the crash and neither works outside the home. It's always been so that they don't assist, even before they had their child my parents would rarely see them, the only difference being that the excuse used now is that they're busy with the baby.
My parents haven't asked me to move home at all, I guess I'm the one feeling compelled to do it. My mum cared for her own elderly mother for many years through dementia and as a result has become a champion for kids going to lead their own lives! The care system for the elderly in the country they live is very poor, assisted living doesn't exist here and in many ways they're still incredibly independent.
My dad had acute leukemia (following radiotherapy for prostate cancer) which has been in remission thankfully since late 2012. His frequent trips to hospital are for fungal lung infections, the most recent of which started when my mum found him unconscious on the floor. The condition my mum has is usually slow growing but no-one can know for sure. In a twist of irony they are both under the care of the same hematologist who is very kind and looks after them both very well.
I know it's an impossible decision really, no-one knows how long either of them has, and my mum would be so sad if she felt I was putting my life on hold for them.
If you dad has chronic leukemia, as did mine, it was 5 years of the er/ice roller coaster. My mom was stalwart through it all, as she was determined to keep dad at home. I guess what I'm saying is that this could be a long ride. I got called home (only an hour away, thank goodness) because daddy wasn't going to make it this time. In your shoes, I think I'd try to set things up so that they have supports (ie, paid help mom can call on when there is an emergency) which you can possibly manage from afar.
I'm curious about the sibling. Where does he/she live? Are your parents asking you to move back from overseas instead of seeking help from a sibling who may be much closer. If I were you, I certainly would not move back with the expectation of doing it all alone. I would agree to move back only if there was going to be a 50/50 split with the sibling and if your parents were willing to expend whatever they could on their own care. If they can afford assisted living, maybe that's the best solution. And you can Skype with them daily to make sure it's all going well. I just would not make an irrevocable decision to jump into a situation that's already making you feel resentful and desperate.
I just thought of the sadness of this decision. In one circumstance, your parents may not be there when you get back. In the other, your own life may not be there when you get back. I don't envy your decision. Big hugs.