My bf is 25 and he has taken care of his mother for the majority of his life. She is disabled and lives off the government. She also likes to sue people for money and take advantage of insurance. (Insurance fraud possibly) She lives alone, my bf and I live together. However she demands to see her son every day. He works from 7-6pm then goes to her house till 8pm which leaves me only 4 hours with him. But by that time he is usually to tired to spend time with me, he's sluggish and falls asleep almost instantly.
I took her into my home for 2 months and she managed to drive everyone crazy. She had 3 dogs which were not potty trained so every day the house smelled horribly like poop. She would wait till her son got home for him to clean. If she did decide to clean this (if she cleaned at all) was to get a towel pick up the poop and rinse it in the kitchen sink overy the dishes. Because of this a person in the house got extremely ill. She would also go into other peoples rooms (we live with 3 other people) and rummage threw thier personal belonging then deny it when she was caught. She loves to gossip and would tell other peoples buisness (everything and anything ) to her friend on the phone. She somehow would leave the house and pester the neighbors by entering thier property to snoop with the excuse that she was looking for her dog. I also own 2 dogs who are on a schedual for feeding (they have food allergies), I asked her to leave them alone and not feed them. She would of course feed them and when caught deny it. The dogs got sick too.... many other things happened to where I couldn't take it anymore and had to ask her to move back home. But while she was living with us I let her have the run of the house. Everyone bent backwards for her needs. It was exhausting.
My bf cannot see her as wrong, he always has an excuse for her behavior.and when I forcefully moved her out, she made a big deal that I disrespected her and then he made me apologies to her!
So now she is alone. Recently she fell. She has zero balance from a bad foot and hip but refuses to use a cane or walker. She actually falls a lot. She has a new bruuse to show me almost every week. I tell my bf that she cannot take care of herself. She can bearly walk, doesn't eat much. Is addicted to pain killers, coca cola and cigarettes. We are just starting a life together and now he's telling me he wants to move in with her. But I refuse to live in that house. All her dogs poop anywhere along with the cats. The house reeks because she can't clean. I can't eat I the house because I feel so unclean.
I think I'm rambling.
Well point is. The lady is unbearable to live with, I tried and I simply cannot. My bf and I were talking about starting a family but it feels like we are taking a step back wards instead.
I was browsing other questions and found these quotes that fit into my situation
. Loving a parent and being a responsible child does NOT mean that the parent can demand that their child's lives be devoted to them solely.
has been doing this for many years and has convinced himself that only he can take care of her properly
She can still take care of her self for the moment, but soon the time will come she no longer will be
A good example of a real man is one who puts his wife first, and children, and sets up and manages his dependent parents Housing and medical needs, gets the caregiver help necessary so he can live his life.
He's stringing you along hoping you'll stick with him to share in the misery of his life being a momma's boy
continue giving him the benefit of the doubt over and over and over, feel resentment then feel guilty for feeling it,
I am sure she never intended to let him go. I know these types and they emotionally cripple their children for life.
mom's had a death grip on this 'man's' balls for quite some time and from the sounds of it she's not about to let loose. And he allows it.
Maipulates him therefore causing him guilt. He will not begin to live his life until she dies. She has made it clear that he is her servent
independent living facility where she gets meals, exercise, intellectual stimulation and a little "push" to be more independent. when she lived alone at home, she was emotionally needy, frightened and isolated.
You are lucky to see the real situation before you make it permanent or start a family with the not-quite-a-man. By all means, encourage him to move back in with his mother. End your relationship with him. Meet people who are worthy of you and are ready to start their own adult lives.
How do i convince him to put her in a home, or at the very least pay someone to take care of her so she doesn't consume his life.
Find a therapist who can help you through the breakup and who will also help you understand why you allowed yourself to get sucked into putting up with this for so long. Do not look back.
Frankly I don't think you are going to be able to convince him. Sorry.
You don't mention his mother's age, but guessing from his and his position as the 6th child I'd guess she is in her 60's. You could be dealing with this mama's boy for another 3 decades. Even if she is in a nursing home, can you really see yourself settling for whatever scraps of energy he has left for you after tending to his mother first and foremost?
Better to face this now, while you have plenty of time to make a life for yourself not dependent on him.
BF' S mother is mentally ill. She needs treatment and a caseworker.
He is really so blind to her faults and sees her like an angel who can do no wrong. When in reality she is the most selfish person i have ever met in my life.
I don't want to leave him i love him so much. I just wish he would see things differently.
Your boyfriend needs counseling. So do you, IMO. No, you shouldn't ask him to put his mother in a home. You are within your rights to ask him to come home after work unless there's some emergency requiring his presence somewhere else.
He is a mama's boy. Her feelings are more important to him than yours are. Since she plays on that, you won't have a successful relationship with him until he changes that, if he can.
Nothing wrong with asking him. Good luck with that.
You are kind of missing one major point, though, which is that your boyfriend cannot "put" your mother in a home. Where she lives is her decision, not his. So what you're talking about, when you dig down a little, is not his putting her in a home but his refusing to help her to the extent that she is forced to make her own decision to move into long term care. So the developments you are hoping to see unfold are: a) that your boyfriend starts treating his mother with tough love and b) that his mother becomes a rational, practical person who sees sense. How optimistic are you feeling now?
One very important thing to keep in mind: your boyfriend loves his mother, you don't. You really don't, and who can blame you? - she's a pest, and she's in your way. If you want to stick with this relationship, then, what you need to do is shift your focus from caring for his mother (face it, you don't) to caring for him. Thinking about how he feels about every interaction with her, and very carefully working on that.
I'm afraid, being old and cynical, that I go along with the general consensus here that you are on a hiding to nothing. But you are young and strong and you want to make it work, and you have your whole future as a couple to play for… so who knows? Be careful, don't get in so deep you can't get out if you need to, and best of luck to you.
What is it about him that you love?
You could certainly TRY couples therapy. It might be eye opening for you. Please, don't assume that it's going to change him significantly. And please don't assume that bringing a baby into the picture is going to make things any different.
You are in a toxic relationship. Nobody should be "making" your cat lose weight unless your vet advises that. I would be as cautious about this young man as you are about his mother.
You have had some very good advice here. The person you are today is NOT the same woman you will be at 30, 40, 50. RUN, RUN, RUN. Don't lose the very best years on your life on this bunch of fools. You will get over it and find a person that makes YOU a priority. You will never be more important than his mama. Sorry, that was harsh, but you need a wake up call.
I find that story unbelievable, that a doctor would inflict burns, leaving scars, on a child's back, at a parent's behest, in pursuit of an insurance claim.
I don't mean I am horrified. I mean I find that not credible. And if that is what he told you, and if you are in the process of making this man the centre of your universe, and given your mental health related vulnerabilities, if you were my daughter I would have you out of there by any means I had to use. Him and his mother - adios.
He then left for a large city and proceeded to move in with another woman.
You might want to really re evaluate your relationship. Sounds like you are not the most important one in his life.
Could be a co dependent relationship that he has with mom.
Thinking he was your own true love in 9th grade was acceptable. You are a capable adult now. Go back into therapy if you feel you need help in making other lasting friendships. But don't settle for less than you deserve just because he is familiar.