At what point in a parent's decline is it appropriate to really start pushing things and doing things that will profoundly anger them? In the case of my mother she is an extremely proud independent woman who cannot admit that she is having trouble taking care of herself or even making proper decisions about going to the doctor. I am considering talking to her doctor behind her back, but if she figures it out - and she might, she's still smart - she will be extremely angry and possibly shut off communication with me. I do have permission to speak to the doctor but my mother gave it with the idea that I would talk to the doc in a crisis. Not that I would call up behind her back to "rat" on her about the things she lies to the doctor about and problems she won't admit even to herself. To me all this feels like it is about role-reversal, at what point do I say it's my job to be the adult and let the chips fall where they may?
Eddie, battle of wills - yes! Absolutely, and if I were to say to her what you suggested her anger would be so huge she might literally cut me out of her life. Then I won't be able to help her at all. That's why it is such a big deal of when I cross the line (like talk to the doc) to do things that will set her off. She has a personality disorder and has never been one who yields to another - no matter what the cost to her or those who love her.
Deefer, yes if I were able to be there and evaluate in person it would make a big difference but I'm dealing with serious health issues of my own right now. I literally could not make the trip there in my current condition so I'm trying to do what I can from a distance. My relative there isn't able/willing to do any hands on caregiving but I do trust her assessment of what's going on. Right now my mother is still able to live independently but struggles with mobility and balance, also judgment issues....I think she could be okay at home a bit longer if she had some regular in-home help (which she so far refuses).
I don't think it's about reversing roles, but about a battle of wills that so far you're losing.
Instead of talking to the doc, be straight up with your mother and tell her what you told us: [Mom, I love you dearly but you're] "an extremely proud independent woman who cannot admit that she is having trouble taking care of herself or even making proper decisions about going to the doctor." If she gets under your skin again, don't say she's stubborn as a mule no matter how tempted you are to do so. It'll just make things worse.
Be ready to cite situations when this has happened, as she'll try to flip the script on you. If she doesn't budge, share your concerns with the doctor in her presence.
If it's memory loss you are concerned with, do you get updates from the family member that sees your mom? Are you worried by phone conversations you have with her?
I'm sure you have read this here somewhere else, but I will tell you my experience with my mom. She has Parkinsons and dementia and I have been caring for her full time for 5 years now. I have 6 sibs and none of us new how bad she had gotten memory wise, and I live in the apartment right next to her, my entire life! When someone first realizes they are having memory issues, they find their own ways of covering it up. By the time we realize what's going on, finances are usually a big issue as it is very hard for them to keep up with bills etc. They don't want your help because they don't want to lose control, but the main reason is that they know things are already messed up and they don't want you to know.
What I'm trying to say is you need to take some time and go stay with your mom to evaluate what is really going on. You can't rely on second hand info because your mom will be very crafty about making things look normal on the outside. If your instincts about mom and her doctor are right, then maybe she should not be living alone anymore.
Your mom's behavior as you describe it, sounds like the typical beginnings of dementia. Come up with an excuse to stay with her for a week and check her bills, etc. and talk to her doctor. Observe well and see what you need to see for your own peace of mind. Good luck!