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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Thank you everyone for your kind words. Does anyone know of a good book about detaching? I am having a difficult time trying to live my life without my mom (I've been seeing her each day of every weekend plus 3 nights afterwork -since I placed her in a home November 1st.) Yesterday, Sunday, I did not spend time with her other than picking up her laundry at a about 7:30pm. I stayed home alone cleaning my house. It literally killed me know that she was in a different home than mine, while I was trying to enjoy Christmas music and decorating. The guilt and pain is intolerable. Thank you again in advance for any kind words of advice.
When I moved Mom into a skilled nursing facility, I felt guilty. I felt like I failed, I was now too sick to care for her after 8 years, but it was definite GUILT. It did feel like we had thrown her away. I was warned last year by one of her doctors that this was going to happen and it did. I let my two sisters handle most everything since I was having severe panic and anxiety. I know at that point I no longer had a choice, this was all we could do.
Mom was in the home two weeks and suffered "Blunt Force Trauma to the Head" the facility did not call me until the next day and waited 16 hours to get her to a hospital.....she died a week later of 4 brain bleeds.
Now when something like this happens you feel guilty all over again!
Just do what you know is right in your heart and pray for guidance.
I worked in an assisted living for 10 years. I was the marketing director so I worked with residents and family members. No one is beating the door down to get into an assisted living, but know this. I have seen residents thrive in the environment. 3 balanced meals a day, assistance with medicine management, laundry, housekeeping and someone there all night for emergency response. Plus, they are among people their own age. I can talk to a 20 year old, but I don't to spend all my time with them. I want to be around my old age group. She will have much in common with the other residents, activities, entertainment and a safe, secure place to live. I suspect you are grieving a little bit about this change in her life. You see mom aging and it is difficult. You can do this. We aren't created to life forever. There are seasons in our lives. This is another one
I think it's totally natural to feel this way. But think of it this way: would you leave a child to care for themselves? They are not children but sometimes they have similar limitations. Part of loving someone is to make choices that are really hard but ultimately leave them better cared for in the long run.
Sunnydays, I feel so bad for you! Elders seem to lose their filters, don't they? None of us wants our children to die caring for us; neither would your mom. Try not to take it to heart. Hugs!!!
Sunnydays, I'm so sorry your mom is reacting that way. Maybe it would be better to take her out to places other than back to your home, since that obviously made her miss living with you.
You absolutely did the right thing in placing her, it's just hard for her to see that in her sadness. She can't help her condition and you can't either. Your first priority is to yourself and your family. My mom often says she's living too long and hates being a burden on me. I never have a great answer for her other than we'll both do the best we can with what we have. I remind her that she loved her mom very much and would have done anything for her. And I'm trying to carry on that tradition. Of course her mom died at 82 and my mom will be 95 next month, so my caregiving has been much longer than my mom's. You're keeping your mom safe and secure and that's the best thing you can do for her, whether she understands that or not. Hugs to you.
I recently placed my mom in a 10-bed board and care home after caring for her, along with caregivers, for six years. She is a stroke victim with limited mobility and requires 24 hr supervision/care. I brought her home to watch football yesterday which she loves to do, but she made the comment that she'd been thrown away and doesn't belong in our home any more. I am feeling absolutely gut-wrenched today.... any words of wisdom on how to cope? I appreciate someones comment earlier about grieving, as that is what I believe I'm feeling.
Yes it seemed to take me forever to decide. I look at so many Senior Care Facilities and none of them got me very excited. So I decided instead to you a home Senior Caregiver to help me out and found one online at bytownehomecare. It was the best decision I could make at that time.
I have a feeling that you're feeling more than just sad about putting your mom in assisted living. You're probably sad that your dad has walked away from caring about your mom and that things aren't like they are any more. All of those feelings are perfectly normal. It's very hard to see your parents age and to have to become "the parent" to them. But you have a lot of support on here from others who have gone through the same thing or similar things.
Like the others have said, you did the right thing for your mom and she's in the right place for her and for your dad. I imagine your dad is having a hard time adjusting to the changes in your mom. That's normal too. So feel sad and grieve the changes in your life and the lives of your parents for a while and then go on. It will get better.
It's not clear if your Mom is already in assisted living and your Dad doesn't want to see her anymore. Or, if he just doesn't want to look after her in their own home.
If my Dad (who died in 2006) had outlived my Mom (who now has Alzheimer's), he would not have been physically or emotionally able to look after her. It would NOT have been out of callousness on his part, but simple ineptitude as a caregiver and/or burnout.
My Mom's in assisted living. Yes, I felt sad for a short time. Let's face it: I was "putting" her somewhere.
I'm not sad anymore. I'm relieved she's there. She is unable to live on her own, and I am unable to look after her 24/7.
Honestly? I wouldn't have wanted my Dad to look after her, either. I wouldn't wish it upon any family member. It's hard work.
If your Mom IS in assisted living already, and your Dad does not want to have anything to do with her, then I'm awfully sorry to hear that. He might come around in time? Like ba8alou says, at least your Mom will be well looked after.
I think there are details here that are unspoken. Most elders thrive in Assisted Living, (my mom did), become less isolated, more social, eat better and exercise more. Can you look at this as an opportunity for mom to get better and stronger?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Mom was in the home two weeks and suffered "Blunt Force Trauma to the Head" the facility did not call me until the next day and waited 16 hours to get her to a hospital.....she died a week later of 4 brain bleeds.
Now when something like this happens you feel guilty all over again!
Just do what you know is right in your heart and pray for guidance.
You absolutely did the right thing in placing her, it's just hard for her to see that in her sadness. She can't help her condition and you can't either. Your first priority is to yourself and your family. My mom often says she's living too long and hates being a burden on me. I never have a great answer for her other than we'll both do the best we can with what we have. I remind her that she loved her mom very much and would have done anything for her. And I'm trying to carry on that tradition. Of course her mom died at 82 and my mom will be 95 next month, so my caregiving has been much longer than my mom's. You're keeping your mom safe and secure and that's the best thing you can do for her, whether she understands that or not. Hugs to you.
Like the others have said, you did the right thing for your mom and she's in the right place for her and for your dad. I imagine your dad is having a hard time adjusting to the changes in your mom. That's normal too. So feel sad and grieve the changes in your life and the lives of your parents for a while and then go on. It will get better.
Your not alone. Keep writing...
It's not clear if your Mom is already in assisted living and your Dad doesn't want to see her anymore. Or, if he just doesn't want to look after her in their own home.
If my Dad (who died in 2006) had outlived my Mom (who now has Alzheimer's), he would not have been physically or emotionally able to look after her. It would NOT have been out of callousness on his part, but simple ineptitude as a caregiver and/or burnout.
My Mom's in assisted living. Yes, I felt sad for a short time. Let's face it: I was "putting" her somewhere.
I'm not sad anymore. I'm relieved she's there. She is unable to live on her own, and I am unable to look after her 24/7.
Honestly? I wouldn't have wanted my Dad to look after her, either. I wouldn't wish it upon any family member. It's hard work.
If your Mom IS in assisted living already, and your Dad does not want to have anything to do with her, then I'm awfully sorry to hear that. He might come around in time? Like ba8alou says, at least your Mom will be well looked after.