Yesterday afternoon, with her son and best friend at her side, my mum took her last breath. It was peaceful and she was surrounded by love.
I had stayed with her from Thursday afternoon until that Friday morning. Then, I felt I needed to go home and rest, but I stayed away too long.
I said to myself that Mum was waiting for her son to be with her, but I know that's just one of the many lies we tell ourselves to feel better.
I am talking myself round to stop feeling bad about little things like that, and I know it will get easier with time. What I can't quite understand is why I feel a little numb.
I sobbed when I went into the bedroom and saw that Mum was gone, and I have cried a few short times since, so it's not that I feel nothing. What I can't reconcile is that everything just feels normal. There's no difference between the world without Mum in it from how it was with Mum in it.
I can't see the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface. It's too smooth, too quickly.
I don't want Mum's passing to be dismissed, as if she had never been and never made a mark on this world (my world). Is this a usual reaction? Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?
As it turned out the night she died I only stayed for 4 hours and then decided to leave early. I had a feeling she might die that night but I just couldn't sit there anymore. When they called to say she had passed I felt sad I wasn't there but relief that she was finally at peace.
In retrospect I know nothing monumental would have happened had I been there. In fact I think her soul had already left long before her body did. She knew I loved her while she was alive. That's what is important
There is no right or wrong in these situations Mia. Be at peace.
Do not feel guilty about your choice. I don’t know how long your road has been, but you sound burned out, and overtired. Don’t worry about feeling nothing; it will come when you are ready. As the ones who must go on, we need to do what’s best for us. We’ve put them first for so long. Their battle is finished, they have found their peace, and thank God for that.
Thank you for your insights, Monomoyick.
I hope that you found peace after losing your loved ones.
I was told by the Hospice Nurse that death can be a private thing and if they want no one near they will wait until someone has gone to get a glass of water, go to the bathroom or take a phone call. She even told me that a person will ask for a glass of water or something in particular so the person has to leave the room.
That is the way your mom wanted it.
As to the "ripples" ... Wait.
You will see ripples when you have her wake and funeral. The number of people that you may not even know will show up. Your mom touched each one of those people in some way. And the number of people that she came in contact with that never knew her, And if you take that a step further, each person YOU have come in contact with has been effected indirectly by your mom since she influenced you.
I am sorry for your loss.
Here are 2 quotes I keep by my computer and I share them pretty often
"Grief never ends.
But it changes
It's a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love"
and
"Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is."
Thank you for your thoughts on the ripples.
I'm reassured to find that this is a normal reaction and won't, necessarily, last.
I also feel numb and like this world is too "normal" and quiet. I really thought when my dad died that such a significant and poignant moment like that would certainly create a hole so huge in this world that it could not function. Something would go amiss, or there would be an odd power outage or string of thunderstorms, but no.
I think it is too much for anyone to process all at once. It hits us on every level and is a shock. I think it will just take time, and we will work through it at our own pace. Maybe if the world did not stop, perhaps somewhere in our psyche we stopped to pause and sort through it all.
Take your time. Whatever you are feeling now or not feeling is OK.
Also, for what it is worth - regardless of whether we were by their side when they passed away or not, I think what matters most is that we were there for them in their life. How we showed up for them, supported them in the final days, and during all the years we had them when they were healthy is really the best stuff.
It is normal to feel thankful that the suffering is over, it is normal to not feel the profound loss right away, it is normal to question if what we are feeling is normal. You will be okay and, you are your moms legacy, she left you and that means her life will live on in you, your brother and your children.
May The Lord give you strength, peace and comfort during this new season in life.
Last thing, give yourself some time and space. The time after a death is usually very busy, crowded with tasks and people. Wait until this hard time passes to see “the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface”. They will be there for the rest of your life.
That’s what it was like for me too.
PS Most mothers miss the baby's first breath too (it's at the doctor's end of the proceedings). The life is what matters.
In fact, your moniker has triggered one of those moments: a memory of Mum singing "I'm nobody's child". I don't know why - it just came to me.
I'm trying to stop looking ahead and just living in the moment, for a while, taking one day at a time. I didn't realise before that it wasn't in my nature!
You must have seen a lot in your job.