I've been told I will not be able to handle him at home, but today when I saw him for 1 1/2 hrs. he seemed almost normal. What do I do. The only hint that was not normal was his remark that a lawn chair we bought for approx. $50, he insisted cost $275.00. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision re: assisted living and feel so guilty, especially when he acts almost normal.
I think of this decision, as hard as it is, similar to getting a divorce. The person who leaves is guilt-stricken and ponders the decision for a long, long time, even years. But once they make a decision and act on their decision, they feel enormous relief because they left or moved out. They felt freedom from taking action. They were no longer feeling weighed down by the pondering.
I perceive that placing a spouse in a facility as a type of divorce because it changes the pattern of the marriage. This action forces one to grasp the reality of this disease, as incredibly painful as it is. However, you might feel relief from the constant responsibility of daily caring.
This is a hard, hard decision.
We felt with my mother "no way, we are a family that will never put her in assisted living" She is in 4th stage Alzheimer's or last stage. Well, we put her in 3 years ago, because yes she fought us tooth and nail at the beginning, but this became her city, a large city with all of these elevators to go up etc.
when I think of did I do the right thing, there is only 1,000 ways to do it, and your heart, soul, and talking with many people, will assist in that. Do not isolate yourself, and make sure you are not doing this alone. I do not state this to scare you, but it is a very hard disease and any one of us, in the middle of the night whenever will type to you etc.
Good luck to you. :-}
My dad is In his final days. The turn came fast. He has lived with us for ten months and we've had 12 hour a day care for the last six weeks. I am exhausted from nights of listening for the next unpredictable thung. Iwish I'd gotten help so much earlier. And I wish we had Insisted onAL instead of saying, "sure, live here." but I kept looking for the proof that he was "normal," rather than understanding how every moment was a gamble.
No easy answer. But know that whatever THIS moment feels like, it's no predictor of the next moment. AL 24 hours, of some sort, in your home or not, is the best defense against unpredictability. Good luck!
If it makes you feel any better, imagine how he would handle this if you had dementia. Would he be in denial or would he take control and make the best decisions he could using the best medical advice he could get?
It is so hard to be the one to make these decisions, and you are stepping up and doing it. If you can, perhaps it would be helpful to explain to these difficult family members that you understand their fears and grief, but that you are his wife, it is your decision to make, and you need their respect, love and support. In time they may grow to recognize your courage and integrity, and acknowledge that you are doing the most loving thing to insure he receives the best possible care.
If he's almost normal, is this something you can discuss with him? Does he understand that he is impaired? What would he like to do?
Do some research now; it may help you make that decision much more clear when the facts are in hand.
xo
-SS
Sounds to me like you aren't sure and it maybe premature for you to place him in a facility at this time. I think the time will come when you will have had enough or can't 'do it' anymore...then you will know for sure. I think there will come the time when you will be driven to seek out alternatives. But, you're not there yet and that is why doubt is coming to the surface. jeannegibbs' post above raises some very good issues and questions. Use this time to prepare for what is on the horizon. Visit facilities, ask questions, do research and prepare yourself mentally for this major crossroads in your life. Then when the time comes you will feel more confident about your decision (knowing it's the right thing to do for him and you) and can better approach these hurdles.
God bless you and your husband.
I've accepted that my husband may need placement in a skilled nursing facility some day. Now he needs assisted living -- and that is what he has right here with me. We have a PCA come in 32 hours a week, plus cleaning help, plus a daughter who handles his pills. I do the rest. We get along fine for the most part.
How long has your husband had dementia? What are the most difficult aspects of taking care of him? Would additional in-home help allow you to keep him home a while longer? Do you want to?
How severe is your husband's dementia now? What are his major impairments? You've pretty much decided to send him to assisted living. You are the person who understands the situation and his needs best. If you feel that is what he needs, and you can afford that for him and the upkeep on the house for you, go for it! Are you talking about a memory care section of assisted living, by any chance?
This is not an easy decision!
my dad had dementia and the dr says he needs to be in nh , i went over a thousand miles away to get my dad out of that place and let me tell you we got along good ! cuz he is always right , he still has his mind , when he says i saw my brother ( which has been dead for many years ) , i act like i was sad to missed his brother , or his mom that passed since 1963 . he would say did u see my mom , oh dang it pa no i didnt see her ! shoo i missed her !
you have to play along and it saves alot of heart aches , my pa did not belong in no nursing home , he belong here with me cuz i sure play along whatever he says and he is happy , i see what he sees and no arugements there .
he pased away march 2nd 2012 , i took care of him for 4 yrs , good and bad , i see what is in his eyes and i know what he s thinking and we get along just fine , as for poopin pissin etc , whatever pa thats ok i ll get ya cleaned up in no time and we re happy , he wasnta llowed to drive , i ll drive forya pa , and it was ok too , of course i had to throw a pissy fit and told him he takes a hand full of pills everyday im afraid ur ll wreck ur car or whatever . makes em think , ill drive pa ....
i miss my pa and i would do it again if he came back alive again ,
remmy```` do not aruge with the dementia or alz , remmy theyre older than you are and they have lived alot longer than u .. my pa s always right ... :-)