My Father is a natural born control freak. Was in the military all of his life and loved the control his rank provided him. Since retiring, his controlling behaviors have ruined his marriage. I was forced to return home to care for him after a massive heart attack. My stepmother refused to return to help with his care.
Every holiday is "Hell" in our home. This 84 year old insist on being a part of meal preparation, although he never washes his hands. I've watched and counted on one hand the times I have seen him use soap and water after using the urinal and bathroom during the span of a week.
I advised my brother, the one in charge of cooking the turkey, to arrive early or my Father will start to prepare turkey himself. Well, when I woke up this morning, the turkey was moved from the back room to the kitchen and was soaking naked in the sink. I wanted to die! This was not my Father being helpful, this was him taking charge and controlling how the bird would be prepared. I ended up having to rinse the turkey several times under warm water to remove any possibility of contamination. I placed the turkey in a temp tray and back in the fridge it went. I went to a friends to prepare a cake and several pies as she had a larger kitchen. When I returned several hours later, I had a host of goodies and a large pan to place the turkey in. My Dad made the observation about the pan and proceeded to bark an order. He told me to place the turkey in the large pan and return it to the fridge. I said ok but was in the middle of unpacking the box of treats I had made. I received numerous dirty eye rolls and huffs as I didn't do as I was told. I sat down to eat my dinner, Chipotle, at 9:00 pm. Mind you he received his dinner promptly at 4:30 pm before I left. He barked the order to switch the pans again .... I responded by asking, Can I eat my dinner first? I hadn't eaten much all day! That's when he proceeded to stand up, and push his walker to the back where the turkey was. I asked what he was doing and he said he will do it myself. My fear was he would contaminate the turkey again and there would be no turning back. So, I wiggled my way past him as he opened the door to the office area where the second fridge was. That's when he used his walker as a weapon. He jammed the walker against my right leg to prevent me for squeezing by. I took a blow but kept on going ... I opened the fridge and the second blow from the walker pushed the door up against my back .... He continued jamming the walker against the door and my legs. I finally had to take control of the walker and remove it from him. That's when he started screaming at me.
I have a nice bruise for picture sake but he has gone too far!!! This is assault ... Should I contact the authorities? If nothing is done he will do this again and he needs to be taught a lesson.
@ crystal1224 .... I'm so sorry to hear of your past abuse. I understand how that would make you ultra sensitive to abusive behavior from others, intentional or not. Do you care for your Dad full time? Is that the reason you are requesting he be placed in respite? I have considered that but the VA has been dragging their feet to get approval and find a company that would come in and stay with him. The VA actually pays for 6 hours a week for respite in the home. However, it has to be used all in one day. I told myself I would have to find something or somewhere to go for 6 hours but it would be worth it. I appreciate your thoughts and concern. I feel such a sense of not being alone when I log onto this website and see the messages that are left regarding this situation.
Thank you all again!
Ps .... I meet with the VA therapist tomorrow. I pray she is able to assist me in getting my Dad into a facility.
What it sounds like is you have had enough too. It is sad too because you do everything for him and this is what you get. I know..I am there too. My father is angry with me because I need a respite. Well he will be angry with me and whoever else in the family wants to be. I need my sanity and space to breathe after doing this for two solid years with NO BREAK! It is either he goes into respite or his daughter will end up getting respite in a hospital room from exhaustion. And that is no exaggeration!
I am here for you if you ever want to write me. I send you hugs tonight. Blessings too!
I'm sorry I sound so angry .... This man has never been kind, supportive or loving .... I often wonder what I moved back here from Maryland to take care of him. God help me!
Try setting up some behavioral rules and enforce them consistently. Make him negotiate.
Physical abuse is not an option. If you feel the need to remove his walker to protect yourself, your dad would be better in a VA nursing home. I understand they provide very good care. You could visit him and your relationship may actually benefit from the change. Pick your battles: the turkey would be in a hot oven for many hours and heat destroys microorganisms..
I agree with the use of "I" messages + don't try to guess what your dad is thinking/feeling. He may be angry, but I doubt he would hate you forever.
Pick your battles. The battle of the turkey-- it will cook in a hot oven which will most likely destroy most microorganisms, or just don't eat the skin. Your dad may be trying incredibly hard to maintain a sense of worth, and being helpful. in the kitchen helps him to feel he is still needed. Good luck.
@ Crystal1224 ..... I agree with your statements. I've stopped my life to assist him with living his, within his home and his behavior just horrible! I never imagined that my parent would be so evil and hateful. But, I need to face the facts and do what is necessary to keep him safe. I have an appointment on Tuesday to speak with my VA therapist, from there the ball should start rolling to get him placed in a home. He will hate me for the rest of his life, and I really don't care!
I no longer wish to be a doormat to a grumpy old man who doesn't appreciate the privilidge of being able to stay in his own home during his old age.
How would it have worked with you father to say, "Remember to wash your hands before you handle the turkey?" Or instead of saying, "Can I eat?" say, "I'll get it in just a minute when I finish my dinner." Diplomacy goes a long way when dealing with strong wills.
I don't know why old people can fixate on one certain thing, then get obsessed with it. My mother does it all the time. She picks out one thing, then wants something done right then. Not later. And she gets so upset if I don't hop up and do it right away. Sometimes I think they forget that their children cgs are not extensions of themselves.
I think it is great that your father wanted to be involved. Holidays are stressful times. If he would simply wash his hands all would be well. I know your concern there. I saw my mother putting together her pies with her fingers. I don't know if she washed her hands, so I personally do not plan to eat any of the pies. I don't know where those hands have been or if they were clean. Yuck.
I don't mean to criticize you, but...if you're not going to remove yourself from the house for good (which I really feel you should do), you have got to be more assertive. Instead of "Can I eat? I haven't eaten today." just keep it at "I'm eating." You have a basic right to not be treated like a doormat. If my dad, who also uses a walker, and was (before dementia) a control freak, came at me with his walker, I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that he was about to be catheterized with it. You should probably not be that aggressive, because I don't want you getting hurt again. What you should do (after you talk to the doc), is just walk away every time he starts his control freak crap. Leave the room, leave the house, whatever. Don't cry, don't smirk, just walk out. As his body is failing him and he's less in control, he gets his control fix from controlling not only what you do, but how you feel. Stop letting him. Don't let him get you cornered again. Ever. I want to reiterate though, I really feel you should leave. Don't let anyone feed you any BS about how you "owe him". You don't. If you ever did, the scales tipped the other way when he got physical. The VA can provide caregivers for him. You're entitled to your own life.