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Sorry...hit wrong key before fininshed.... 60s, when my dad passed away. Knowing how she used to buy clothes and shoes and hide them in the trunk of her car until she could sneak them into the house without my dad's notice, my husband and I tried our best to emphasize the importance of living with no major changes or expenses for at least a year. Losing a mate is very high on the stress level, and people are prone to make emotional decisions. Well, she had done that all of her life....(another story!!). I felt the same as most of the people who answered your question; she was not really old and she was perfectly capable of making her own decisions. She and I had always been very close, so I just tried to be supportive about the loss of my dad and enjoy being with her, as I always had. My dad worshiped the ground she walked on and spoiled her, and he also did everything possible to provide for her in case of his death. He left her the maximum possible from his military pension, civil service pension, and social security check. He also left a tremendous amount of life insurance. She seemed fine for about four months. One day I began to worry when she didn't answer the phone. I even had a neighbor check on her for me. The neighbor said the car was gone, so I figured she was OK. Well...when, I finally got an answer, she told me she had been to the appliance store and had bought all new appliances for the kitchen! I didn't overreact, but I reminded her that she needed to watch her spending because her income had been reduced since dad's death. I am her age now, and if anyone tried to tell me how to spend my money, I would tell them to mind their own business! She wasn't quite that blunt, but the message was the same. To make a long story short, she had gone through dad's life insurance and ended up refinancing the home and acreage that was completely paid for when he died. Not just once, but several times. When I began to worry, I suggested that she sell the two acres that she didn't need and start watching her money situation. She went through that money also and, by the time she broke her hip and was forced to sell her home and remaining acre, had a mere fraction of equity left in her home and (commercial as well as domestic) acre on a major highway. She would have had plenty of money to live comfortably for the rest of her life if she had been more careful with her money. Being an only child and loving my mom, as well as feeling responsible for her, I made sure she was cared for. While in acute care after her surgery, she ordered "extras" from the facility, in addition to having her hair done weekly which I had told her to do. She and I also went to the nail salon every other week. Since I insisted that she put what little equity she had left from the house in an investment account, she was basically broke. I was horrified one month when the bill, not covered by her Medicare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield federal, and Tricare, was almost $5,000! I was picking up her laundry and doing it at home, and I asked for an explanation from the facility about what the other charges were. Most of them were listed under "general," so they couldn't specify the charges. Mom didn't tell me there was a charge for Depends (she probably didn't know either), special requests for meals when she didn't like the menu, certain activities, etc., and ??? other "extras." I was taking her candy and things she asked for, so I thought things were fine.... That's when (hindsight, which you are seeing all too well at your age!) I asked for a list of the "extras" and told mom to accept nothing offered to her except the beauty salon appt every other week. I bought her Depends and "extras" after that. I was already retired at the time, and my husband and I had taken great care in planning for our retirement. I was too young to do nothing, so I had a part time job that I loved and that provided me with what I called my "mad money." Among my responsibilities at home, a job that required a lot of physical and emotional energy, basically being mom's caretaker, and visiting her every day...you can imagine my mental and emotional condition. When she was released from the acute care facility, I had narrowed the ALFs down to three for her to choose from. I had taken over mom's finances by then and realized that not only was she broke, she was in deep credit card debt. I was determined, though, that she was not going to live in some of the places I had visited. The one she and I both liked the most was actually reasonably priced, near my home, and provided a lot of "extras" that were not covered in the other facility. (I knew enough by then to ASK!) So, with her three checks coming in and her medication provided by the military hospital, things settled down for awhile. Of course (hindsight again!), I was thinking of the overall cost of the facility, not cable, telephone, and internet bills...and money for extra care when she could no longer bathe herself, etc. Yes, I could have said, "No." when my mom still wanted to go to the nail salon with me, to get her hair done at the facility, to have "this and that" from the grocery store, to have money to go on trips away from the facility and money to spend while at the places they went...but, I loved my mom and it would have hurt me more to say, "No.," to her than to just pay the money. Before long, my "mad money" was going to subsidize my mom's expenses, and there were times that I had to discuss some things with my husband and spend out of "our" money. I didn't realize it but I was enabling my mom just like my dad did, and I was a physical and emotional wreck. I finally had to set some boundaries with her and tried to tell her why. Her response to anything to do with money was, "Take it out of my investments." If I had, the "investments" would have been spent many times over, and I was expecting and hoping that she would live for many more years. Mom passed away, having convinced all of her friends at the ALF that she was wealthy and thinking that she had left me a "large inheritance." She never did figure out how money worked. All she knew was that she was comfortable and lived in a nice place, although she complained about the food, etc. LOL We spent the last four months of her life, after she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and chose to stop her treatments, doing all of the things we enjoyed doing together! I was blessed with time to talk with her about everything under the sun, to enjoy taking her out as long as I could handle the wheelchair and oxygen tank, and to spend precious moments with her. She was conscious and rational until the day she went into a coma and passed away. Would I do it all over again? YES! Did I have to? Of course, not. There were residents at the ALF whose families never visited or called, and I did not judge any of them...I realized the complications and emotions that were possible behind each of them. If I had not loved my mom and wanted to spend as much time and money as I could to make her last days comfortable, I could have been the same way. My inheritance from my parents (the home and acreage) had dwindled down to almost nothing in mom's "investments," but she died thinking that she had left me a lot of money. LOL I am glad she did. I am glad I was able to make the choices concerning her care that I did. I am glad I can look back and see her beautiful smile. I am glad I can remember her laughing at the antics of the Mariachi bands she loved to see. So, dearest Dreman, I do understand your concern about your father's spending habits. If you and your siblings are able and willing to take care of your dad if he ends up like my mom, he will live a comfortable life no matter what he does now. If you are not able and willing to do those things, though, he may end up with no money and living in a facility that is paid for by a govt. agency. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I understand completely that not everyone is able to do the things for their loved ones that I did for my mom. I have been blessed in so many ways. I had parents who adored me and who gave me all I needed to make a good and secure life for myself. I have a husband that I love dearly (although he tries my patience sometimes! LOL). His health has deteriorated this year, and I had to quit my job to be at home. It looks as if my care taking days are about to begin again. I plan to do everything I can to make his life as pleasant as it can be. As one of the posters on this site says, it is our turn to take care of them now. Dreman, you are certainly right to be concerned about your father's financial situation, but there isn't a thing you can do except think about the future decisions concerning him that you are most likely going to have to make. I agree with the person who said it was selfish of people to ignore their future care and the ones who will care for them. It is selfish, but most people don't realize they are hurting the ones they love the most. When and if they do, it will be too late.
One more comment to you and to others: Men who live in any kind of facility are targets for certain types of women, and they are outnumbered by the women! Some of the women are content with some attention and affection, but some want more. Guys, take note! I have seen my share of the games some people play in those facilities. They sound humorous, as does this question about the prostitutes; but I have seen men change their wills and leave everything they have to these women...some without the family's knowledge and not in the frame of mind to make such decisions. So, just be aware....or make sure someone else is watching out for you when you can no longer be aware.... I am sorry to have written such a lengthy response. This question rang a bell with me, in addition to being humorous. LOL It sounds humorous, but the potential for future problems is there; and, this young lady is smart to realize that now. As we all agree though, father is the only one who can make decisions. Let's hope he sees far enough ahead to keep his children from having to make the decisions I did. Lots of love and hope for you, Dreman.
These are just some reflections from my perfect hindsight....
Dearest Dreman, please don't be offended at the humor some of your readers find in your question. If your dad were spending excess money on anything else, it would have been taken more seriously....but, probably with the same answers concerning his ability to make his own decisions. I wish I had had your insight and view of the future when I was your age. My mom was in her late 6
Brace yourself dreman. This is a genuine concern. If the dad goes through all his savings on tarts and deadbeat siblings then there will be none to care for him when he needs it. The dad obviously has little compassion for his future caregiver. Granted it is his money but who will dole out the finances to care for him later. I would NOT back off. I would advise him regarding STDs & gold-diggers on a regular basis. I would ask him what problem he has with accepting the inevitable and remind him of his future. Burning the candle at both ends DOES harm others, usually the family members that must pick up the pieces later. How people can be so very irresponsible is beyond me.
Ok...thanks to all of you for the responses...just know that he is a good man and I know something about gold digger women.....I will consider all of this advice. ..thanks again everyone
So hard to answer this! I would make an appointment for him with an eldercare attorney who can perhaps talk to him "man to man" about his financial situation, getting his affairs in order, appointing POA, doing an advanced directive. But other than that, I would back off. and take note of the fact that this is not your mess to fix when he crashes. At some point, when he's fallen or otherwise injured, he gets taken to the hospital and you DO NOT go and pick him up, promising to care for him. You let the lovely discharge ladies at the hospital, whom he will no doubt charm, find him a nice facility.
If he would stop sending money to the relatives he wouldn't be so short of cash. I do think you are right to be concerned, so talk to him if you want...just don't expect a positive response.
I love this question too. It is his money to spend as he likes although you can express your concern. He's getting older, maybe he's trying to hang onto his manhood. Maybe you could point out the high cost of hookers. =) Or maybe you could steer him toward some legitimate dating sites in hopes of finding a real companion. I do have one piece of experience to share though - watch those younger women around your dad. One of those looked in on my (bio) dad while I lived out of state and took him for about 20 grand as well as him buying her a car and God knows what else. He was pretty old, but he liked the ladies. I don't know if she simply weeded her way in as a friend or if she provided actual services other than looking in on him, but he was maybe making some questionable decisions, was old and lonely, and was easy prey. Watch out. I wish I had been more involved in my father;s affairs, but we were sort of estranged until later. That ended up being money I did not inherit. Be aware. Someone does not have to have a lot of money to be prey to a gold digging shark. I was younger and more naive then, but if it were today I would definitely have have her number.
Sweetheart the first thing you need to learn in caregiving is when to back off. A elder with no demetia gets to make his own decisions, and suffer the consequences.This is none of your business. This is not your problem to fix. If your really worried try to introduce him to a lusty 60 year old, or set him up a older dating site on line.
Relax you have plenty of time before you become a caregiver. Get the documents in place, the power of attorney, a will, health directive, and medical poa. Right now start to build an adult to an adult relationship with your Dad. One with mutual respect in each other's abilities tolerance for each other's foibles, and a sense of shared humor. When the time comes for you to do the caregiving 15 years from now, you will have a sound foundation of trust and friendship. Just a word tothe wise, nobody not nobody likes to be told what to do especiallly a parent told by a child. Good luck
Om good people first let me thank you for responding. This is not a hoax. I realize "too much" is relative. Maybe the problem here is that I did not give enough information. I am 53 years old my dad is 743y/o. He is a competent still quite healthy still working man. So maybe the problem is my perception of what is "too much". Also I am not 100% certain that it is all on prostitutes. But what I do know is that he complains to me that he is strapped for cash regularly. Also he complains to me that he has to send hundreds of dollars to my siblings on a regular basis. My nephew who lives with him tells me of the ..lets say "strange women"that show up at the house. Also I have conversations with my dear ole dad and know that he is frequently using backpages. Also there are others women he has been seen with, young women with young children. While I am assuming some things here I am think he is helping them financially. I see enough to make a few assumptions. My concern is that he is not preparing for the time when he is not able to work and earn money. And because we both work at the same company I know what kind of money he earns. It is his money to spend as he chooses and it is his life to liveit as he chooses this I know. But I alsoo know from past experiences that I will be the one who will have to sort all the mess out when things start crumbling. .I was happy to find this website I hope there is someone out there who will take me seriously and can offer some decent advise.. it is his money and his life but I care about him and it hurts to think he is possibly making a huge mess of things that one day I and my other responsible siblings will have to fix.
How do you know he spends "too much"? What's the going rate? Whatever he's spending, I'm sure it could be worse. How about a trip to Vegas? I'm sure our economy would appreciate his contributions. PS, I love this question too!
I absolutely love this question. It's probably a hoax, but I love it anyway.Let's see, you say your father spends too much money on prostitutes? How much is a suitable amount to spend on prostitutes? Maybe you could sit down with him and make a budget. So much for food, rent, gas, and so on, and so much for prostitutes. Possibly you could suggest he hire cheaper prostitutes. On the other hand, it's his life, and if he's not been deemed incompetent, and you've not been named as his guardian, there's nothing you can do about it.
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APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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60s, when my dad passed away. Knowing how she used to buy clothes and shoes and hide them in the trunk of her car until she could sneak them into the house without my dad's notice, my husband and I tried our best to emphasize the importance of living with no major changes or expenses for at least a year. Losing a mate is very high on the stress level, and people are prone to make emotional decisions. Well, she had done that all of her life....(another story!!). I felt the same as most of the people who answered your question; she was not really old and she was perfectly capable of making her own decisions. She and I had always been very close, so I just tried to be supportive about the loss of my dad and enjoy being with her, as I always had. My dad worshiped the ground she walked on and spoiled her, and he also did everything possible to provide for her in case of his death. He left her the maximum possible from his military pension, civil service pension, and social security check. He also left a tremendous amount of life insurance. She seemed fine for about four months. One day I began to worry when she didn't answer the phone. I even had a neighbor check on her for me. The neighbor said the car was gone, so I figured she was OK. Well...when, I finally got an answer, she told me she had been to the appliance store and had bought all new appliances for the kitchen! I didn't overreact, but I reminded her that she needed to watch her spending because her income had been reduced since dad's death. I am her age now, and if anyone tried to tell me how to spend my money, I would tell them to mind their own business! She wasn't quite that blunt, but the message was the same. To make a long story short, she had gone through dad's life insurance and ended up refinancing the home and acreage that was completely paid for when he died. Not just once, but several times. When I began to worry, I suggested that she sell the two acres that she didn't need and start watching her money situation. She went through that money also and, by the time she broke her hip and was forced to sell her home and remaining acre, had a mere fraction of equity left in her home and (commercial as well as domestic) acre on a major highway. She would have had plenty of money to live comfortably for the rest of her life if she had been more careful with her money. Being an only child and loving my mom, as well as feeling responsible for her, I made sure she was cared for. While in acute care after her surgery, she ordered "extras" from the facility, in addition to having her hair done weekly which I had told her to do. She and I also went to the nail salon every other week. Since I insisted that she put what little equity she had left from the house in an investment account, she was basically broke. I was horrified one month when the bill, not covered by her Medicare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield federal, and Tricare, was almost $5,000! I was picking up her laundry and doing it at home, and I asked for an explanation from the facility about what the other charges were. Most of them were listed under "general," so they couldn't specify the charges. Mom didn't tell me there was a charge for Depends (she probably didn't know either), special requests for meals when she didn't like the menu, certain activities, etc., and ??? other "extras." I was taking her candy and things she asked for, so I thought things were fine.... That's when (hindsight, which you are seeing all too well at your age!) I asked for a list of the "extras" and told mom to accept nothing offered to her except the beauty salon appt every other week. I bought her Depends and "extras" after that. I was already retired at the time, and my husband and I had taken great care in planning for our retirement. I was too young to do nothing, so I had a part time job that I loved and that provided me with what I called my "mad money." Among my responsibilities at home, a job that required a lot of physical and emotional energy, basically being mom's caretaker, and visiting her every day...you can imagine my mental and emotional condition. When she was released from the acute care facility, I had narrowed the ALFs down to three for her to choose from. I had taken over mom's finances by then and realized that not only was she broke, she was in deep credit card debt. I was determined, though, that she was not going to live in some of the places I had visited. The one she and I both liked the most was actually reasonably priced, near my home, and provided a lot of "extras" that were not covered in the other facility. (I knew enough by then to ASK!) So, with her three checks coming in and her medication provided by the military hospital, things settled down for awhile. Of course (hindsight again!), I was thinking of the overall cost of the facility, not cable, telephone, and internet bills...and money for extra care when she could no longer bathe herself, etc. Yes, I could have said, "No." when my mom still wanted to go to the nail salon with me, to get her hair done at the facility, to have "this and that" from the grocery store, to have money to go on trips away from the facility and money to spend while at the places they went...but, I loved my mom and it would have hurt me more to say, "No.," to her than to just pay the money. Before long, my "mad money" was going to subsidize my mom's expenses, and there were times that I had to discuss some things with my husband and spend out of "our" money. I didn't realize it but I was enabling my mom just like my dad did, and I was a physical and emotional wreck. I finally had to set some boundaries with her and tried to tell her why. Her response to anything to do with money was, "Take it out of my investments." If I had, the "investments" would have been spent many times over, and I was expecting and hoping that she would live for many more years. Mom passed away, having convinced all of her friends at the ALF that she was wealthy and thinking that she had left me a "large inheritance." She never did figure out how money worked. All she knew was that she was comfortable and lived in a nice place, although she complained about the food, etc. LOL We spent the last four months of her life, after she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and chose to stop her treatments, doing all of the things we enjoyed doing together! I was blessed with time to talk with her about everything under the sun, to enjoy taking her out as long as I could handle the wheelchair and oxygen tank, and to spend precious moments with her. She was conscious and rational until the day she went into a coma and passed away. Would I do it all over again? YES! Did I have to? Of course, not. There were residents at the ALF whose families never visited or called, and I did not judge any of them...I realized the complications and emotions that were possible behind each of them. If I had not loved my mom and wanted to spend as much time and money as I could to make her last days comfortable, I could have been the same way. My inheritance from my parents (the home and acreage) had dwindled down to almost nothing in mom's "investments," but she died thinking that she had left me a lot of money. LOL I am glad she did. I am glad I was able to make the choices concerning her care that I did. I am glad I can look back and see her beautiful smile. I am glad I can remember her laughing at the antics of the Mariachi bands she loved to see. So, dearest Dreman, I do understand your concern about your father's spending habits. If you and your siblings are able and willing to take care of your dad if he ends up like my mom, he will live a comfortable life no matter what he does now. If you are not able and willing to do those things, though, he may end up with no money and living in a facility that is paid for by a govt. agency. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I understand completely that not everyone is able to do the things for their loved ones that I did for my mom. I have been blessed in so many ways. I had parents who adored me and who gave me all I needed to make a good and secure life for myself. I have a husband that I love dearly (although he tries my patience sometimes! LOL). His health has deteriorated this year, and I had to quit my job to be at home. It looks as if my care taking days are about to begin again. I plan to do everything I can to make his life as pleasant as it can be. As one of the posters on this site says, it is our turn to take care of them now. Dreman, you are certainly right to be concerned about your father's financial situation, but there isn't a thing you can do except think about the future decisions concerning him that you are most likely going to have to make. I agree with the person who said it was selfish of people to ignore their future care and the ones who will care for them. It is selfish, but most people don't realize they are hurting the ones they love the most. When and if they do, it will be too late.
One more comment to you and to others: Men who live in any kind of facility are targets for certain types of women, and they are outnumbered by the women! Some of the women are content with some attention and affection, but some want more. Guys, take note! I have seen my share of the games some people play in those facilities. They sound humorous, as does this question about the prostitutes; but I have seen men change their wills and leave everything they have to these women...some without the family's knowledge and not in the frame of mind to make such decisions. So, just be aware....or make sure someone else is watching out for you when you can no longer be aware....
I am sorry to have written such a lengthy response. This question rang a bell with me, in addition to being humorous. LOL It sounds humorous, but the potential for future problems is there; and, this young lady is smart to realize that now. As we all agree though, father is the only one who can make decisions. Let's hope he sees far enough ahead to keep his children from having to make the decisions I did. Lots of love and hope for you, Dreman.
These are just some reflections from my perfect hindsight....
Granted it is his money but who will dole out the finances to care for him later. I would NOT back off. I would advise him regarding STDs & gold-diggers on a regular basis. I would ask him what problem he has with accepting the inevitable and remind him of his future. Burning the candle at both ends DOES harm others, usually the family members that must pick up the pieces later.
How people can be so very irresponsible is beyond me.
Maybe you could point out the high cost of hookers. =) Or maybe you could steer him toward some legitimate dating sites in hopes of finding a real companion.
I do have one piece of experience to share though - watch those younger women around your dad. One of those looked in on my (bio) dad while I lived out of state and took him for about 20 grand as well as him buying her a car and God knows what else. He was pretty old, but he liked the ladies. I don't know if she simply weeded her way in as a friend or if she provided actual services other than looking in on him, but he was maybe making some questionable decisions, was old and lonely, and was easy prey. Watch out. I wish I had been more involved in my father;s affairs, but we were sort of estranged until later. That ended up being money I did not inherit. Be aware. Someone does not have to have a lot of money to be prey to a gold digging shark. I was younger and more naive then, but if it were today I would definitely have have her number.
Relax you have plenty of time before you become a caregiver. Get the documents in place, the power of attorney, a will, health directive, and medical poa. Right now start to build an adult to an adult relationship with your Dad. One with mutual respect in each other's abilities tolerance for each other's foibles, and a sense of shared humor. When the time comes for you to do the caregiving 15 years from now, you will have a sound foundation of trust and friendship. Just a word tothe wise, nobody not nobody likes to be told what to do especiallly a parent told by a child. Good luck
I am 53 years old my dad is 743y/o. He is a competent still quite healthy still working man. So maybe the problem is my perception of what is "too much". Also I am not 100% certain that it is all on prostitutes. But what I do know is that he complains to me that he is strapped for cash regularly. Also he complains to me that he has to send hundreds of dollars to my siblings on a regular basis. My nephew who lives with him tells me of the ..lets say "strange women"that show up at the house. Also I have conversations with my dear ole dad and know that he is frequently using backpages. Also there are others women he has been seen with, young women with young children. While I am assuming some things here I am think he is helping them financially. I see enough to make a few assumptions. My concern is that he is not preparing for the time when he is not able to work and earn money. And because we both work at the same company I know what kind of money he earns. It is his money to spend as he chooses and it is his life to liveit as he chooses this I know. But I alsoo know from past experiences that I will be the one who will have to sort all the mess out when things start crumbling. .I was happy to find this website I hope there is someone out there who will take me seriously and can offer some decent advise.. it is his money and his life but I care about him and it hurts to think he is possibly making a huge mess of things that one day I and my other responsible siblings will have to fix.
On the other hand, it's his life, and if he's not been deemed incompetent, and you've not been named as his guardian, there's nothing you can do about it.