Good morning Caretakers! I am 10 yrs into being a caretaker for my 95 yr old mother. She moved here 9 yrs ago to live a few doors away when my dad went into a nursing home. She’s been dependent on me and my spouse because she is almost blind with macular degeneration for starters. Over the years, she gradually declined to the point of having invasive squamous cell carcinoma with multiple surgeries (mohs) that has metastasized elsewhere in her body, end stage chf, a pace maker battery that probably quit over a year ago, and the latest for the past year - Inflammatory Breast Cancer that is now fungating. She has been in hospice for almost 2 yrs. All this time, she has required so much attention to just keeping her life flowing, I don’t even know where to start. She is on the spectrum of narcissism, and she just expected us to do for her. She would never go into assisted living - or now a nursing home, and will fight when it comes time to go to the beautiful hospice facility we have in the area. She is still managing in her own home, and tells hospice that she only wants the help from the cna once a week. She says she wants her privacy. She is of sound mind, it’s just the rest of her that is decaying before our very eyes.
In the meantime, my health is bad. I have stage 3b Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that I have been treating for for 4 yrs. I don’t care about my appearance anymore. I look disheveled. I hear from family members who want to come visit us, but I don’t even want to see anyone. They would be shocked at the sight of me and I would be so embarrassed. You may wonder how my mother is still managing in her own home. I wonder the same thing. She just does. If she couldn’t manage anymore, I would say it’s time to go to Hospice Care, but she still holds it together. I am drained and I’m not sure I will ever recover from this long journey. She would never have done this for me. In fact each of us kids had to leave the home when we turned 18 - whether we were ready or not. I have spent all my 60’s caring for my family members (my dad and my 2 sisters), that have passed including my mother and my mother is the last from my immediate family. I will be 70 yrs old soon. I was triggered to write this morning because I needed to vent. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am a shadow of my former self. I wonder if I will ever have my life back to be free to do as I please. My poor husband has been on this never-ending journey with me. I wouldn’t even know where we could begin again. Blessings to all caregivers today.
It's time to set some long overdue boundaries with mom, and just let her know that you cannot and will not continue to enable her in her denial that she is "managing" on her own. The only reason she is managing is because you are the one managing everything. It's time to step back and let her hire some outside help(with her money)to come in, and assist her, as you just can't do it anymore. Enough is enough. It's now your time!!!
So make an appt. to get a manicure and pedicure, then a haircut, and like daughter1930 suggested, buy yourself a new outfit, and go out on a nice date with your hubby. And after that, make sure you doing something just for you every week. You will then start to see your old self reappear, and find the joy in life again. Only you can make the necessary changes, so why not start today? May God bless you and keep you.
This is more than you (or anyone!) can do alone. You're sacrificing yourself to a woman who shoved you out the door the second it was legal to do so. She doesn't sound like she was a loving mom, but she expects you, her daughter, to literally lay down your life for her. You've sacrificed yourself for dad and sisters. Now it's you who needs help, and does Mom care if you get it? Nope. Does she care if looking after her literally kills you? Nope.
I may be wrong, but it sounds like you've accepted this role of taking care of everyone. You've been the scapegoat. It's one thing to offer your help, but it's another to be the automatic go-to. It has to stop. Take your life back!
Others on here are more knowledgeable about how to get Mom some outside help or assisted living.